Was I right to be jealous

[Jip]

Hi folks,

 

I've been reading all of this with great interest lately and not sure mine should be here or in breaking up but here goes? Warning this could be long!

 

I'd been with my 23 ( Im 26) yr old b/f for 20 months before we split. 8 months prior to that I was mucking about with his mobile as I was thinking of replacing mine to his model. I was checking out the text messages when I came across loads of messages to another girl. All the messages had Xxx on the end and if you'd read them you'd have thought they were to me. I've never been a jealous person and was fine for the 1st yr of our relationship. I let it be and confronted him about it another day and he told me eventually she was just some young girl in this club ( we're both in the same organisation but in different areas). I told him that she could get the wrong idea from what he is sending and he agreed but I said no point being rude and that he could still reply to her sometimes although he should have known I wasn't too thrilled by it all. Anyway I finally saw this girl and she was a stunner - blonde blue eyed and 17 ( and they have quite a lot in common)! Anyway time went on and every so often I did bring her up when I knew she was sending something and didn't like it - he couldn't see that she was after him. Anyway I tended to bottle it up and it would usually come out on a night out and ruin it. ( Altogether we had 5 times we 'argued' over her... he tended to go quiet when I brought it up) He assured me there was nothing going on and that he would stop and that I was the only one he cared about and I assured him I wouldn't look at his phone anymore. It should be said that other than this we were very much in love and very good together and I wasn't jealous of him and anyone else just her.

 

Anyway I made the big mistake of still looking in his phone ( human nature I think and more to see if she was still bothering to text) and noticed she was phoning alot and occasionally he answered and a few times he called. I got the usual assurances and sometimes he would explain the v few calls and I could see he was getting tired of me bringing this up. I think I looked to see if she was trying to lure him away - I didn't believe anything physical was going on at all. Although he was deleting both her texts to him and his sent items but occasionally I would get one from her answering something from him and they were always v flirtatious like ' oh please come to XXX... don't stand me up again.. he he Xxx' ... perhaps he was hiding it not to upet me but then he swore he'd stiop but tobe fair I swore I wouldn't look.

 

Anyway in Aug we went for a lovely holiday - couldn't have been better. The minute we got back though he found his phone and had started keeping it in his pocket instead of the one place in his house you get a signal ( he had been doing this for a wee while before we left). 2 days later we went to a dance and I got very wound up by this girl talking to him ( I was drunk and know this was me being very silly) Anyway I blanked him after that that night and other people got involved making the situation worse and next thing there was a rumour he was with her and he had people accusing him of all sorts. I did try to find him by the end of the night once I realised I was being very stupid and irrational. For 3 weeks after that we were never the same he could barely look, touch, talk to me never answered my calls and barely answered my texts. He kept saying he was lost in his head, didn't know what he wanted anymore and didn't know how we could ever get back what we had... he said he'd lost that 'click'. He also said ( which he'd never talked to me about before) that he felt he couldn't go places these days without wondering if I thought he was where he actually was... which I always did - it was just the texting and phoning that bugged me and that he had always worried about rumours getting back to me - I know they'd been phoning each other during this time. . We split up after 3 weeks of this torture - he made me bring it all to a head and I felt like he pushed me into ending it all.

 

Anyway now I hear he's been seeing her for the past 2 weeks at least , only 2 weeks after we split( although I try not to listen to rumours too much they caused damage to our relationship).

 

For so long I was blaming myself for being so silly over this girl... although I've been told she's been after him for the past year!! I know looking at his phone was very bad of me but it was accidental in the first place and I'd never have gone looking for anything! Also I know if you do trust someone you really should believe what they say and not have had a problem with her trying her damndest but I'm only human. I know that last dance where he was getting accused of all sorts was also my fault altho it snowballed through others getting involved.

 

Can't help feeling I've played right into her hands or do you think him losing all his feelings for me was due to my actions or was he toying with her all along given that they have so quickly ended up going out!!! Would anyone else have put up with this behaviour... either mine or his? The thing is if he really was after her I doubt he would have wanted to come on holiday with me but you have to wonder having moved on so quickly if this was always at the back of his mind... my fear was always that he was testing her out for maybe sometime in the future if he got bored and she certainly was doing her damndest to get him.... ofcourse the minute we slipped up she was right there saying the right things!! Who does that???

 

Was I right to be jealous??

[iceprincess]

Yes, you had the right concerns to be jealous but I think you let him know too much that you didn't like this girl and he used it to his advantage to hurt you (maybe not intentionally, but he still did).

 

If he really cared about you, then he would've stopped text messaging that girl as soon as he found out about how you felt about it. BUt seriously, I'd be mad too if my BF was text messaging a hot chick that he met at the clubs!!!

 

Let that bas*tard go because if he had respect for you and really loved you, then he wouldn't have done what he did.

[tiki]

He ran all over you and this is NOT how a man treats a woman. There are other people out there that will treat you better. Because you deserve better.

[Jip]

Thanks for your comments ice princess.

 

To be fair it wasn't at clubs it was at an organisation - a thing over hear for 14-30 year olds which hold meetings and do fun activities etc... oh well I might as well say it, its called ' young farmers' (embarrasing or what) so he would chat to her at that as she was in his local club ie young farmers club!

 

I just keep thinking that I should have been big enough not to look at his phone I wouldn't have liked it if he'd done it to me. Me saying no you can't have that probably made him want it more! I just can't believe he would run to her.... she is very manipulative though! He knows I would hear about it and it is such a slap in the face. Although this is the longest realationship either of us have had and we were very happy apart from her sticking her nose in - what kind of girl actively goes about chasing a spoken for man?? She was just lucky that I turned out to be the jealous type and that he was stupid ebnough to be a very chatty type.... swinging from anger to regret to pain at the moment... at least knowing he's seeing her is helping me move on a bit! So i wasn't being psycho jealous g/f then? Thanks for listening.

[tiki]

Just because you looked, didn't mean it wasn't happening if you failed to look. He's still a cheater.

[Jip]

Thanks Tikibrandy!

 

Call me a fool but I really don't think there was anything going on while we were together but that doesn't mean he wasn't attracted to her and she wasn't trying her hardest. Just because she wanted something to happen doesn't mean she gets her way... no? He is a very popular guy and looked so hurt everytime I brought it up as he said it felt like I didn't trust him. People were very shocked when we split because they could tell he was so content and he would tell them so. I'm glad to hear that I've not reacted wrongly though - you can only feel what you do but did I mean so little to him that he just cuts me dead and goes running to her because she's less hassle. Think being younger he's confused himself with all this and whats acceptable. Although I'm mad as hell with him right now I intend to be the bigger better person when we next cross paths.... we were like best friends after all. I have been the one maintianing contact and we are still friendly towards one and other but have started NC and am not finding it too difficult now one month on and knowing what I know as I know there's no chance of making up. However, the thought of them together is the killer!

[tiki]

You've been bigger about it than I would've ever been. Seriously. I would've flipped my lid.

[Jip]

Think because I really did trust him and knew how much I was hurting him by bringing it up - he said it was like a complete slap in the face to him like I didn't trust him. I still love this guy as if you can't tell and believe me thisbvis the worst pain I've ever had in my life but I know he is a good guy.. he's just inexperienced in realtionships - I don'ty think he realised he was doing wrong. Its just the replacing me with her when I think about that then I sometimes think I've been right all along or maybe I've just driven him to see how young and lighthearted she is.. while I was being nagging doubtful g/f. Don't mean to sound so pathetic - believe me I'm raging about it all and was at the time but everyone I know sees him as a genuine likeable guy - hard to go against that!

 

Thanks though.

[MelWell]

Wow girl, I am in somewhat of the same situation. Except my relationship hasn't ended - and I really don't think he's texting as much anymore.

 

Thing is, this girl who used to be best friends and an occasional fling used to text him all the time and with stuff I didn't like, he told her to stop but she still kept it going saying "stop being an *** you know I don't mean it" bla bla bla...

 

It all started because of a phone situation also, 100% with no intent of snooping, but we had switched SIM cards and his messages came into mine - and there they were.. Most of her messages were like regular messages from a friend, but i saw one or two of her trying to be fresh with him.

 

They were best friends for years, with an occasional benefit i guess

 

I seriously don't think anything happened, and he has truly stopped the messages (as far as i have "SEEN"), but i always have it in the back of my mind that something is going on just cuz he has found her attractive in the past and then she out of nowhere started to message him when she broke up with her boyfriend. After everything was ok and he acknowledged how hurt i was that this girl was being fresh with him and hadn't stopped - I found myself still bringing it up sometimes even when i had no proof of anything - and it was just getting him so tired. So i've decided to moap to myself with my own insecurities, and if i have no reason of being upset again - then i need to stop mentioning it to him.

 

I love this guy, and as tempting as it is to go through his messages and his things - i've realized i think it's more of the fact that i'm insecure because he really did listen to me and stop the crap.. .its just so hard cuz i can't get it out of my head cuz i'm scared of getting hurt...... i still get tempted sometimes to look but i'm proud - i haven't in a long time!!!!!!

 

ok i feel better...

[Jip]

Melwell - not a day goes by I don't wish I hadn't flared up (stupidly) at that dance and had just let things lie. Part of me thinks I pushed him to her but then to run so fast in her direction the minute we were over also tells me a different story!

 

Well done you for not looking - like you I think I was afraid he would leave me eventually so I kept digging to get to the bottom of it! I was also insecure in myself I'm 26 this girl is 17!! Who knows what was right but as folk keep saying things happen for a reason. Sounds like your guy is at least talking about it more than mine ever did - I find myself questioning if he ever loved me to not be able to stop the flirtation with her on some level.... its such a horrible depressing situation to find youself in... I hope you're strong enough to just believe him and it all works out. I just can't believe we were'nt strong enough to pull through all this - and the thought of them both together now just kills me an makes me feel like a fool!! Best of luck!

[MelWell]

It's really not an easy thing to go through. Sometimes I feel like he had no idea how bad it made me feel - since they were just friends and were friends before me - and he was so used to her flirting all the time, hethought he could keep that thread going and it really was no big deal at all... things are different though once you get a girlfriend, which was i wanted him to understand - and i think he did.... i'm not saying not to talkto her at all, but keep the conversations respectful and LIMIT them... I'm sure she still calls every once in a while i can't stop it completely - besides, if i go too crazy about him talking to her, he's going to want to talk even more and she might even be more itneresting to him...

 

thankfully it's under control, but the temptation to look is always there... i think its the insecurity

 

you seem like you're really into this guy still.. have u tried talking to him again? i know it may be weird, but still....

 

Maybe it's YOUR turn to send HIM text messages now that he's with her -- hehehe that's just wrong, (dont' attack me people it was a joke, but it sure sounds goooood) lol

[Jip]

Good for you! I think the difference with us was that this girl came into our lives after we got together so he never had the chance to pick me over her. I know he think she's attractive although he said the last time on the phone (2.5 wks ago) that she wasn't THAT nice ( ie not completely the most gorgeous girl ever) when I was banging on about why I was jealous... pretty young thing etc. I can see how them having a friendship before you came on the cene would be difficult too! Although I know he had friends he had dated before and that really didn't bother me. I think you need to remember he chose you over her and keep being strong!!

 

I'm in NC now since i found out he's seeing her. Ok only since Saturday but had only sent 2 texts in the week before that and since we've split they've been relatively light hearted although mentioning a few things we used to joke about. I did all the begging in the 3 weeks before we split when he went silent on me and said he just didn't know anymore.

 

I just can't bring myself to contact him now knowing he's with her... he'll be lapping it up... he knew that was the one thing I couldn't bear to happen when we ended - she's the reason all this has happened after all!! I know I'll see him at something in a months time and so will leave any contact to then ( unless I get weak) or unless he contacts me - unlikely as its been me texting ( except once) since we split.

 

You're right about him wanting to talk to her more if you put constraints on him - I think thats where I went wrong - so much so that I thiink he was still texting her and hiding it just because he could - proabaly an excitment element to this and someone else giving him chat is always appealing but really if they care they should stop! Albeit - the girl in your scenario is an old friend so harder to say 'don't' to that as opposed to some new man -stealer on the scene - think he was blind to what she was up to.

 

As for your last comment - think that crossed my mind even though it was a joke but not going to stoop to her level - but hope I'm big enough to talk to him in front of her - see how she likes it!! Then again the sensible part of my brain is shouting just acknowledge him act friendly and then walk away when next we meet.

 

Thanks Melwell

[MelWell]

of course, don't take my advice of the texting him now lol - it was a joke although it is tempting, you don't want to stoop to her level.

 

i do think though that complaining about the girl would make him want to talk to her more, so i have really tried to stop doing it... and i know if he DID ever get a message from her, he would just delete it right away so i can't see it.

 

So i dug my own grave, before he wouldn't hide it cuz he had nothing to hide, he wasn't doing anything it was her and they are old friends - and now i'm stuck to think a)he really did stop or b) he's just deleting it so i won't complain.

 

well everything does happen for a reason - and if they're gonna cheat they're gonna do it no matter what you say... so might as well keep your eyes open (as someone always should), but on the same front try not to be paranoid and learn how to TRUST!!!!

 

paranoia affects Trust, and with no trust, there is no relationship.

 

Thanks for listening!