who_am_i Posted June 3, 2013 Share Posted June 3, 2013 I recently asked... The OW is told repeatedly that there should be NC under any circumstances. Ignore...ignore...ignore!!! Yet the BS pounced immediately. I guess I don't understand. Doesn't NC -or- shouldn't NC work both ways? ...and the OP was hesitant to answer. Any takers? Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted June 3, 2013 Share Posted June 3, 2013 I recently asked... ...and the OP was hesitant to answer. Any takers? Sorry, no idea what you are asking. Please could you explain differently? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bellasue Posted June 3, 2013 Share Posted June 3, 2013 Yes it should work both ways. I guess that the BS feels he/she has the right to do since they were the one manipulated and lied to. In my case, xMM said that his BS "called all the shots now." They have me blocked all over the place and neither one of them has contacted me, so it does work both ways...... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 3, 2013 Share Posted June 3, 2013 Fairness kind of goes out the window in affairs. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author who_am_i Posted June 3, 2013 Author Share Posted June 3, 2013 Sorry, no idea what you are asking. Please could you explain differently? Sure...this is my original post I'd been encouraged for quite some time to create a profile on a popular business networking website...which I did a few weeks ago. The other night when I was away from home I received an email stating that someone I knew had requested access to my contact information. While trying to allow this through my "smart?" phone I was prompted to download the App for that...I'm sure you know the drill. Finally I was able permit access and immediately following a list of suggested "People You Might Know" appeared on the screen. Sure as sh*t about 4 or 5 people down the list is xMM. Being new to the App as well as the site in general I hit the X next to his name assuming this would remove him from my list...thus making it so I don't have to see his face on a regular basis. Makes sense...right?! Nope!! I received a message that I had "requested to view (his) profile"!! OH SH*T!! I panicked. I started looking all over the site for a place to undo this...but nothing. When I got home about an hour later I logged onto my account through the PC. I still couldn't find how to undo this. All I could think of was how much self control it has taken me to stay away all this time only to blow it with something so completely stupid. When I finally found this "People You Might Know" list again I was able to remove his name and hoped that would cancel any automatic requests I'd sent to him. But that was not the case. The next morning I received an email from xMM's wife...and lets just say it was not friendly. I felt awful...for 2 reasons. First because I promised myself I would never give him the satisfaction in knowing I was still thinking about him... Second because I've read here so may times that when the OW won't let go and keeps contacting it is extremely unsettling for xMM & his wife as they attempt to make things right. So...I replied. I apologized and then told her pretty much word for word what I said here. It was not intentional and I always intended on respecting her wishes when she asked I not contact them again. Well her reply to that was just awful. I guess I can understand why she might not believe me...but it's been nearly 4 months & I already know where he works. Contacting him like this wouldn't make much sense. I didn't reply again. I figured I'd given my explanation and there really wasn't more to it then that. I don't want to make things any worse and replying blow for blow would have totally done that. Sigh...any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
Author who_am_i Posted June 3, 2013 Author Share Posted June 3, 2013 Yes it should work both ways. I guess that the BS feels he/she has the right to do since they were the one manipulated and lied to. In my case, xMM said that his BS "called all the shots now." They have me blocked all over the place and neither one of them has contacted me, so it does work both ways...... If she contacts me then she is defending herself, but if I contact her it's harassment. Hummm.... I haven't contacted either of them since d-day (well...intentionally), but the way she attacked me you would have thought that I had been a constant nuisance. I get she is angry and I don't begrudge her that...but had I ever replied to her this way I would have been labeled a bunny boiler. All I'm wondering is if it continues...what's a girl to do? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 3, 2013 Share Posted June 3, 2013 I recently asked... ...and the OP was hesitant to answer. Any takers? In your situation, the BS contacted you, not him. She strongly let you know whatever it was in that email to you. NC is between you and her husband - Forever. In her mind, (even though it was an accident) you reached out to him, testing the waters, so she reacted by letting you know to back off and leave him alone. Maybe four months in she's not ready to ignore since this was 1st contact since NC was set in place. I'm sure if the accident happened a year from now, it wouldn't have bothered her as much and they would have ignored. Whether she found out on her own or he told her doesn't matter, they are united now. Try not to focus on this for too long and get yourself back on track, not focussing on him or her. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted June 3, 2013 Share Posted June 3, 2013 Sure...this is my original post You did really well in keeping your distance and this was one error as a result of a technological quirk. I don't think you can win anything on this one. It's best to just drop it and keep away. Explaining to wife didn't work so no point fanning the flames by keeping up any more exchanges. Just accept that you tried, she misunderstood and there's nothing more can be done. You've done a great job so far and you deserve a guy who's there for you with none of these upsetting ties. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sweet_pea Posted June 3, 2013 Share Posted June 3, 2013 NC is between you & MP (and by extension, BS). However, if you do contact the MP, of course the BS will step in and say something, and possibly the MP. NC does usually go "both ways," but clearly if you contact the MP/BS (intentionally or not), you will possibly get a response. It happens the other way around, as seen on this board, as well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 3, 2013 Share Posted June 3, 2013 If she contacts me then she is defending herself, but if I contact her it's harassment. Hummm.... I haven't contacted either of them since d-day (well...intentionally), but the way she attacked me you would have thought that I had been a constant nuisance. I get she is angry and I don't begrudge her that...but had I ever replied to her this way I would have been labeled a bunny boiler. All I'm wondering is if it continues...what's a girl to do? You are in NC mode with him, not her. And, considering she is the victim in all of this mess, you mistakenly sending that request, set her off and she reacted. She has a right to be pissed off since you had the A with her H. I'm sure a lot worse was and has been said to him! You are a threat to her marriage so her back is up if it has to do with you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
sweet_pea Posted June 3, 2013 Share Posted June 3, 2013 That aside, this was an accident (your contact) and you shouldn't worry. You tried to explain it, and as many know, 4 mos. down, feelings can still be very raw. Stick to NC, no need to dwell on that any more. Hope you're doing okay. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 3, 2013 Share Posted June 3, 2013 You tried to explain it, and as many know, 4 mos. down, feelings can still be very raw. I agree. And in his wife's mind, you breaking NC (how is she really to know and also to trust you OR her husband) probably set her off and she may have accused him of starting up the A. It shook her trust in him or at least tested it for sure. Everybody is still shaky ground, four months is not that long when it comes to fixing a marriage and regaining trust. Try not to be offended at her that she reacted so much. Link to post Share on other sites
Author who_am_i Posted June 3, 2013 Author Share Posted June 3, 2013 I agree. And in his wife's mind, you breaking NC (how is she really to know and also to trust you OR her husband) probably set her off and she may have accused him of starting up the A. It shook her trust in him or at least tested it for sure. Everybody is still shaky ground, four months is not that long when it comes to fixing a marriage and regaining trust. Try not to be offended at her that she reacted so much. ...but she just keeps on reacting (if you catch my drift). she has sent a few emails. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 3, 2013 Share Posted June 3, 2013 ...but she just keeps on reacting (if you catch my drift). she has sent a few emails. Ignore them. Don't even open them..Put her on block. She is reacting because the trust has been shaken. She is angry at you for breaking NC - Even though you know and we all know on here it was accidental, she does not believe you. Put yourself in her shoes, how things ended, how she found out and how NC was put in place. I doubt you'd be jumping for joy or so opened minded four months of NC and finding out NC was broken.. If you reply back it'll just flame the fire, so just ignore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author who_am_i Posted June 3, 2013 Author Share Posted June 3, 2013 Ignore them. Don't even open them..Put her on block. She is reacting because the trust has been shaken. She is angry at you for breaking NC - Even though you know and we all know on here it was accidental, she does not believe you. Put yourself in her shoes, how things ended, how she found out and how NC was put in place. I doubt you'd be jumping for joy or so opened minded four months of NC and finding out NC was broken.. If you reply back it'll just flame the fire, so just ignore. you're right. i completely agree. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted June 3, 2013 Share Posted June 3, 2013 Fairness kind of goes out the window in affairs. Not just in affairs...ALL relationships are this way...Stevie Wonder said it right..."All is fair in love" TFY Link to post Share on other sites
Praying4Peace Posted June 3, 2013 Share Posted June 3, 2013 Ignore them. Don't even open them..Put her on block. She is reacting because the trust has been shaken. She is angry at you for breaking NC - Even though you know and we all know on here it was accidental, she does not believe you. Put yourself in her shoes, how things ended, how she found out and how NC was put in place. I doubt you'd be jumping for joy or so opened minded four months of NC and finding out NC was broken.. If you reply back it'll just flame the fire, so just ignore. I don't get it. Of course she doesn't trust OP but she trusts MM, right? Otherwise what's the point? Time will tell and her trust will get stronger with each month but I don't see how anything OP does has any relation to her H's feelings. I also don't understand why she wouldn't have H write back? That's what I'd do bc 1) OW would hear it from him and never contact again and 2) that whole protective mom thing is not my idea of security. I'd want my H to tell her or ignore her. If a small contact like that will ruin things it's love by omission of all others rather than a choice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 3, 2013 Share Posted June 3, 2013 Not just in affairs...ALL relationships are this way...Stevie Wonder said it right..."All is fair in love" TFY I haven't seen that (unfairness) personally in my relationships but I guess it's possible. It definitely was a feature of the affairs I was involved in or privy to. 'Doing the right thing' pretty much got suspended all around. That tends to happen when people's base emotions and 'red tapes' get exposed. I would never expect a BS to treat me, whether as an OM or MM, with any real sense of fairness. I would expect a pure emotional response, generally one of hurt and rage. Kind of hard to be fair when one's finger is on the trigger Link to post Share on other sites
sweet_pea Posted June 3, 2013 Share Posted June 3, 2013 I don't get it. Of course she doesn't trust OP but she trusts MM, right? Otherwise what's the point? Time will tell and her trust will get stronger with each month but I don't see how anything OP does has any relation to her H's feelings. I also don't understand why she wouldn't have H write back? That's what I'd do bc 1) OW would hear it from him and never contact again and 2) that whole protective mom thing is not my idea of security. I'd want my H to tell her or ignore her. If a small contact like that will ruin things it's love by omission of all others rather than a choice. Ignoring all other points you've made, have you ever been a BS? A small bit of contact can definitely ruin things as far as healing and moving forward are concerned, especially early (yes, 4 mos. can be considered early). I'd imagine as an OW, a small bit of contact from the MM would ruin things in terms of healing, wouldn't it? If you're finally coming to a better place, healing from the wounds of DDay/etc. and MM contacts you, it would throw you off, no? I think you saying that it's love by omission is a bit far fetched. I don't think it's love by admission at all. She's in pain (as is WAI) and having the OW who helped, in her eyes, bring her world down, contact her husband intentionally or not (I know WAI did it accidently, but for all intents and purposes..) would definitely mess things up for her, or bring back her anger, etc. Maybe not to you, but whether reading this board, or the infidelity board, little bits of contact from those who brought you pain definitely reopen wounds, at least, while you're still in the early stages of healing. Hope that all made sense but I just wanted to touch on that point... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 3, 2013 Share Posted June 3, 2013 I wasn't commenting on a specific quoted passage from history, rather the concept of fairness forwarded by the OP. I know all about fairness in love and war, trust me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author who_am_i Posted June 3, 2013 Author Share Posted June 3, 2013 To the OP, the BW didn't break no contact, you did. Yeah she might be losing it now, but it's because you are the one who first broke the no contact agreement. You're original question was misleading because you made it sound like "should the BS be allowed to break No contact when the innocent OW is just peacefully minding her own business?" That is not what happened, she would have never contacted you if you hadn't sent her husband that request. In her mind you broke the NC agreement, not her. Stop responding to her, she doesn't believe you. She will calm down and NC will be resumed. Ok...yes, that is what happened! I NEVER intentionally contacted him. When she contacted me she was angry...I'll give her that. She assumed I was playing games. I tried to explain and apologize...ONCE! To that I have received several emails. All of this in my opinion was unsolicited. I kept NC as she requested...and it was hard at first...but I respected her request. I have not replied since, so yes...should the BS be aloud continue to contact me? I'm not replying...keeping NC...soooo??? Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted June 3, 2013 Share Posted June 3, 2013 She should now leave you alone. You shouldn't have contacted him (Yes it was accidental but she won't beleive it for now so it's irrelevant) You and her H shouldn't have had an affair. Lots of shoulds. Rules were broken all along the line. Why make her the bad guy for breaking the least important one? Let it go. Ignore the emails. Forgive her. Beleive me she is in a great deal of pain right now. Let her assuage it in whatever way she wants short of really hurting you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted June 3, 2013 Share Posted June 3, 2013 who_am_I, I guess I kind of liken it to a territorial animal. A wolverine let's say, they have marked territory. Once in a while another wolverine will come in wanting to take the marked and acknowledged home and make it their own. There is a fight or confrontation. The intruding wolverine is run off. In some cases, the same wolverine will try again w/the same result. The intruding wolverine will eventually get the picture and stop trying while the wolverine protecting her home is now on high alert, looking for Anything that may be a threat. Even if the intruding wolverine wants to get beyond the territory of the other and accidentally treads onto the property of mamma wolverine, she will see it as yet another intrusin or challenge and lash out until the threat is gone, for good. Maybe a lame analogy, but that how I envision BW. As far as Time since DDay? Four months is no time at all when building trust that has been broken, try Four years for some. Listen, no amount of festering or dwelling on this will make a difference. It was a mistake. Mistakes happen. If the exOW made the same mistake as you then apologized, I'd certainly forgive BUT I'd make the necessary changes so that the mistake cannot happen again. NC should go both ways* Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted June 3, 2013 Share Posted June 3, 2013 LFH, you have a point yet Someone has to step up and be the "better" person. Seems that since the AP made the mistake of accidental contact that they Also be the one to change or get rid of that mode of possible future contact no matter how accidental. I also think H should delete his account too. For now* Link to post Share on other sites
Athens Posted June 3, 2013 Share Posted June 3, 2013 I am thinking she is upset because she understands how difficult it is to friend someone on those apps by accident. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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