Any takers?

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I'm still confused - if its the site I'm thinking about it is easy while on a mobile device to click and view the profile - I've done that before a few years back and my heart sank. I didn't mean to do it. As far as connecting with them, I suppose if you were going down the list without really looking at who you connecting with going "connect, connect, connect" the it could happen for sure. Unfortunately you cannot block anyone on this site and you can't prevent anyone from viewing your profile anonymously (that's something we have contention with - why be anonymous on a business website and you can view my profile and I don't know who you are ? Creepy.).

 

At any rate, you have apologized and explained - that is all you can do. You have to just ignore the outbursts now. I understand that it is very raw right now and trust is trying to be rebuilt, but also the flip side of this is that she was monitoring him - if she hadn't been this maybe would have gone away, idk?

 

Question - did you send an invitation to connect and it was accepted and that's how this all started? Or was it just a viewing of his profile?

[thefooloftheyear]

I haven't seen that (unfairness) personally in my relationships but I guess it's possible. It definitely was a feature of the affairs I was involved in or privy to. 'Doing the right thing' pretty much got suspended all around. That tends to happen when people's base emotions and 'red tapes' get exposed. I would never expect a BS to treat me, whether as an OM or MM, with any real sense of fairness. I would expect a pure emotional response, generally one of hurt and rage. Kind of hard to be fair when one's finger is on the trigger

 

I guess my point is that cheating, lying, "future faking" and just plain getting dropped on your head for no apparent reason are certainly not exclusive to affair based relationships...

 

Having said that, I do get the point you are trying to make....

 

TFY

[whichwayisup]

Originally Posted by LFH

After a while, people need to stop letting the "wronged" party call all the shots too.

There comes a time when enough is enough. I said it was expected to send an email initially... but exactly how many emails does she get to send without a reaction?

 

After FOUR months, no way. In a year or more, sure, but for now, their marriage is barely off the ground and on the way to recovery.

[Got it]

These threads always sadden me. The ow has intruded on a daily basis into the bw's life. DAILY BASIS without the woman even knowing it and then when the bw finally knows and is angry how dare she intrude on the ow's life. It's harassment. Seriously??? Your affair with her husband wasn't an attack on her family every single day?

 

Leave her alone. Let her vent.

 

Except the law says differently.

 

harassment (either harris-meant or huh-rass-meant) n. the act of systematic and/or continued unwanted and annoying actions of one party or a group, including threats and demands. The purposes may vary, including racial prejudice, personal malice, an attempt to force someone to quit a job or grant sexual favors, apply illegal pressure to collect a bill, or merely gain sadistic pleasure from making someone fearful or anxious.

 

I would ignore to a certain extent and if they continue I would response back that anymore would constitute harassment and you will seek legal action. Yes I would agree that one or two responses back is understandable to the mistaken attempt to connect, anymore is unneeded.

 

NC is for all parties, not just the WS and the OP.

 

I hope they have stopped now and everyone can move forward.

[Owl]

That may be true, but it's not the OP's responsibility to grow and heal their marriage. Her responsibility is to herself, and what's going to be beneficial and helpful to her is to not hear from his wife anymore. Period.

 

And the BEST way to reach this goal is to block further interactions with the BW, not provoke her further with ANY kind of contact or interaction.

 

As others have said...it's all in viewpoint an perception.

 

From the OP's viewpoint, the 'contact' was an accident and the BW's response to it was over the top.

 

From the BW's viewpoint, the 'contact' was a 'fishing expedition', and she's spelling boundaries out loud and clear.

 

The best way to de-escalate this conflict is to simply break off the engagement. OP blocks any further contact from the BW, and remains cautious about future accidents.

 

Simple enough.

[So happy together]

One email telling OP to stop contact is fine. Several unwanted emails is not. I wouldn't put up with it.

[whichwayisup]

Except the law says differently.

 

harassment (either harris-meant or huh-rass-meant) n. the act of systematic and/or continued unwanted and annoying actions of one party or a group, including threats and demands. The purposes may vary, including racial prejudice, personal malice, an attempt to force someone to quit a job or grant sexual favors, apply illegal pressure to collect a bill, or merely gain sadistic pleasure from making someone fearful or anxious.

 

I would ignore to a certain extent and if they continue I would response back that anymore would constitute harassment and you will seek legal action. Yes I would agree that one or two responses back is understandable to the mistaken attempt to connect, anymore is unneeded.

 

NC is for all parties, not just the WS and the OP.

 

I hope they have stopped now and everyone can move forward.

 

It's not harrassment. Wow, four months ago there was D-Day. Four months now of NC. NC was broken by mistake, BS reacted by email. Over board? Maybe, but under the circumstances, understandable. It's not like MM's wife is calling, doing drive by's, sending 100 emails a day, freaking out. All Who has to do is use the block function in her email. Problem solved! This isn't worth getting the cops involved, unless actual threats were made.

 

Well, NC is for all parties, yes, but she also looked up his account, clicked on his name, so that action in itself is breaking NC for herself. Knowingly googling, lurking facebook IS breaking NC even if the other person doesn't know..

[lilmisscantbewrong]

She didn't say she looked up his account. If you are linked to anyone the other person is linked to, much like FB, people come up as possible connections. The only way that these people won't show up again is if you click the x beside their name and on a mobile device that is sometimes difficult to do. Also, I'm not clear as to whether she just viewed his profile (it will tell you who viewed your profile) or if she actually sent an invitation to join her network.

 

My xom (or his wife, I don't know which for sure) has viewed my profile off and on - now I can't be 100% sure it's them, because it's anonymous but generally I can pinpoint it back to something that is related to them, so I'm pretty sure. Also, right after my husband's affair, his xOW viewed my profile. I told him about it and asked HIM to tell her to stay away from me. For the next three months I would have to see her name when I logged into who viewed my profile. But I realized also, it's just about curiosity - what is the other person up to. Natural curiosity.

 

I have no way of knowing what actually happened in the OP's case and neither does anyone else, but this is something that can happen very easily by mistake.

 

However, I can definitely see how the BS would see it as a fishing expedition. When my husband's xOW called and showed up at the office the very next day while I was out of town, I would say THAT was a fishing expedition for sure. Although it torked me off that he didn't even tell me about it for a couple of months until something more major happened (I received a bizarre anonymous letter in the mail and he thought it might have been her), I know how this all happens.

 

These are very, very messy situations. And we don't know on the BS's end whether she was checking and had access to his account or whether he saw it and let his BS know about it. Either way, he is heavily monitored.

 

Just keep the emails as proof in case it goes further, but for now ignore. Just know things are messy at home and this just, unfortunately, opened the wound again...

[whichwayisup]

That may be true, but it's not the OP's responsibility to grow and heal their marriage. Her responsibility is to herself, and what's going to be beneficial and helpful to her is to not hear from his wife anymore. Period.

 

You're not understanding what I'm saying. Because of this mistake made, and by accident it sending off a request, all that made his wife react and email. She can take measures to block his wife and MM from her email. Problem solved immediately!

 

She didn't say she looked up his account. If you are linked to anyone the other person is linked to, much like FB, people come up as possible connections.

 

The name may have come up along the side, but she must have clicked on his name to view his profile, and that's when the invitation went out.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

You're not understanding what I'm saying. Because of this mistake made, and by accident it sending off a request, all that made his wife react and email. She can take measures to block his wife and MM from her email. Problem solved immediately!

 

 

 

The name may have come up along the side, but she must have clicked on his name to view his profile, and that's when the invitation went out.

 

 

This is what I was trying to figure out. I had asked the question but it wasn't answered - did the invitation actually go out or did she just view the profile? You can do either one - you can view it or you can send an invitation or you can do both! Either way it is very easy to do and an easy mistake to make on a mobile device for sure. Over two years ago I was on twitter on my phone at a doctor's appointment and the phone was acting up and I mistakenly requested to follow my xom - I panicked in the same way and finally figured out how to rescind it (you can do that with twitter - at least you could then) but I stewed and stewed over it - I hated that I did that. I was so mad at myself.

[sweet_pea]

Yes, I'm confused as to why some OW here think it would be best to provoke the BS rather than just block her? Block her and she won't be able to contact you. Saying you'll contact her husband and so forth doesn't make the scenario any better. Juuuuuuuuust block her! Hope you do that, WAI!

[Got it]

It's not harrassment. Wow, four months ago there was D-Day. Four months now of NC. NC was broken by mistake, BS reacted by email. Over board? Maybe, but under the circumstances, understandable. It's not like MM's wife is calling, doing drive by's, sending 100 emails a day, freaking out. All Who has to do is use the block function in her email. Problem solved! This isn't worth getting the cops involved, unless actual threats were made.

 

Well, NC is for all parties, yes, but she also looked up his account, clicked on his name, so that action in itself is breaking NC for herself. Knowingly googling, lurking facebook IS breaking NC even if the other person doesn't know..

 

Umm, repeated unwanted emails can be harassment. I understand that for some in their viewpoint they don't see things the same way but I tend to use the law as a good leveler on what is legal and what isn't.

 

So based on the legal definition of harassment repeated unwanted emails are considered overkill and harassment. You may beg to differ, the BS may beg to differ, but the law is the law.

 

Again, one or two, makes sense, appropriate. A continued number is not and is superfluous. And that is when it starts to step into harassment.

 

I am not saying she should be arrested, I am not saying contact the cops, I am saying, if it continues to say it is wanted, please don't continue, if you do I will take legal action. There is nothing inappropriate or wrong about that. We don't know the number emails that have taken place, so we don't know if it is 100 or if it is 3. If it is a superfluous amount then it is now a bigger concern. We also don't know if they are threatening or not, the OP has only said that they are "not good".

 

I get the BS is, for a colloquialism, peeing on her property. Message understood and received. If it is up for debate on whether or not it is harassing, I think it is best and easiest to just the law/attorney decide.

[who_am_i]

I am thinking she is upset because she understands how difficult it is to friend someone on those apps by accident.

 

Clearly it's not all that difficult...but I didn't "friend" him. It just sent him a generic automated request to view his profile which is full of things I already know. There wasn't even any text directly from me! Smh...

[Athens]

Was it linkedin...our ow did the same thing and feigned it was a mistake, as all of the hang ups being butt dials....how can one butt dial someone they should not have in their contact list, me....and li is a 2 step process to request access...either way, you made contact, she pissed, don't engage...it just prolongs the crazy.

[who_am_i]

I'm still confused - if its the site I'm thinking about it is easy while on a mobile device to click and view the profile - I've done that before a few years back and my heart sank. I didn't mean to do it. As far as connecting with them, I suppose if you were going down the list without really looking at who you connecting with going "connect, connect, connect" the it could happen for sure. Unfortunately you cannot block anyone on this site and you can't prevent anyone from viewing your profile anonymously (that's something we have contention with - why be anonymous on a business website and you can view my profile and I don't know who you are ? Creepy.).

 

At any rate, you have apologized and explained - that is all you can do. You have to just ignore the outbursts now. I understand that it is very raw right now and trust is trying to be rebuilt, but also the flip side of this is that she was monitoring him - if she hadn't been this maybe would have gone away, idk?

 

Question - did you send an invitation to connect and it was accepted and that's how this all started? Or was it just a viewing of his profile?

 

I had downloaded the app while I was away from the house in an attempt to accept a colleagues request. Once I accepted them a list of "people you may know" appeared...lets say for arguments sake that it had been on my phone about 30 seconds at this point. So now I'm checking it out...right? Natural I imagine to see who they think I might know. And there he was...I don't know how he got there (I assume because it cross references email addresses)...regardless, I didn't care. I just wanted him gone. So...similar to other social networks I attempted to hit the X adjacent to his name and photo to remove him only to be notified that by doing this I had sent him a request to "view his profile".

 

Realistically...why would I even want to do this. I know where he went to school, college, his past jobs, and where he works now. Why would I want to look at these things? It just doesn't make sense. If I was gonna contact him...I'd call, plain and simple.

 

I'm not sure what site you are thinking of, but in this case I am able to choose what the public sees and what my "network" sees. I assume by sending this request you are not asking to join their "network" but just to review their qualification? Who knows...I'm new to the whole thing and haven't been back to the app since.

 

I have not viewed his profile nor am I aware that he has viewed mine.

[snowflakes88]

Yes, I'm confused as to why some OW here think it would be best to provoke the BS rather than just block her?

 

Makes no sense at all. Some things come part and parcel with sleeping with someone's husband. If she finds out, there's a pretty good chance she'll be upset. If she is, there's a pretty good chance she'll contact you -- particularly if she thinks you're still contacting her husband. You assume the risk of this sort of thing when you embark on an affair. I have never been married and have never carried on with a married man, so I have no dog in this fight at all... but I find it so mind-boggling that you can knowingly sleep with someone else's husband for months, years, etc. and be okay with that - but if she sends you 2 emails after finding out, THAT is a totally inappropriate intrusion on your life and she needs to be more respectful. So, so mind-boggling.

 

But yeah, another vote for blocking her. And more social media sites should consider a confirmation window thingie when you friend someone. It is waaaaay to easy to accidentally add someone on FB, and I'm hyper paranoid about it. I accidentally "liked" an ex-friend's photo on instagram and shut down my whole account in a panic. LOL.

[who_am_i]

These threads always sadden me. The ow has intruded on a daily basis into the bw's life. DAILY BASIS without the woman even knowing it and then when the bw finally knows and is angry how dare she intrude on the ow's life. It's harassment. Seriously??? Your affair with her husband wasn't an attack on her family every single day?

 

Leave her alone. Let her vent.

 

In similar news...the grass is green.

 

I am aware that I did these things.

I never said anything about harassment.

I never said anything about "how dare she..." do anything.

 

What I said was why are OW told NC is so important for both parties to heal, yet the OW can just keep'em coming?

 

So...Seriously???? Yes! I know that her husband chose to betray her after standing up and promising to be faithful forever in front of dozens of their closest friends and family. I also know that I helped him do this. And, Yes! His affair was an attack on his marriage to her every day. Lets not get it twisted...I didn't attack her alone.

 

If you knew anything about me, you would know that these are things I'm not proud of. I'm simply trying to gain understanding. Individuals who get on their soap box and state the obvious in an attempt to make others feel bad is not what THIS section of LS is about.

[who_am_i]

Well, NC is for all parties, yes, but she also looked up his account, clicked on his name, so that action in itself is breaking NC for herself. Knowingly googling, lurking facebook IS breaking NC even if the other person doesn't know..

 

NO...she did NOT do these things. Not one time!

 

And just to be clear...someone on her told me that if I reply to her I could be faced with a restraining order which clearly implies harassment, yes? So if I'm playing devils advocate here then the same thing can be said for BS...she can just block my emails so I should be able to send as many as l like too, yes?

 

Listen...after d-day I respected her wishes. I didn't search him out or cyber stalk him in an attempt to contact. I did NOTHING!! I can't go back in time and take the affair away...but I'm trying to do what I can now.

 

For the record I have not replied to her chain of messages...and she has stopped. But, as awful as I feel about this entire situation...its time we ALL get on with our lives, separately!

[who_am_i]

She didn't say she looked up his account. If you are linked to anyone the other person is linked to, much like FB, people come up as possible connections. The only way that these people won't show up again is if you click the x beside their name and on a mobile device that is sometimes difficult to do. Also, I'm not clear as to whether she just viewed his profile (it will tell you who viewed your profile) or if she actually sent an invitation to join her network.

 

My xom (or his wife, I don't know which for sure) has viewed my profile off and on - now I can't be 100% sure it's them, because it's anonymous but generally I can pinpoint it back to something that is related to them, so I'm pretty sure. Also, right after my husband's affair, his xOW viewed my profile. I told him about it and asked HIM to tell her to stay away from me. For the next three months I would have to see her name when I logged into who viewed my profile. But I realized also, it's just about curiosity - what is the other person up to. Natural curiosity.

 

I have no way of knowing what actually happened in the OP's case and neither does anyone else, but this is something that can happen very easily by mistake.

 

However, I can definitely see how the BS would see it as a fishing expedition. When my husband's xOW called and showed up at the office the very next day while I was out of town, I would say THAT was a fishing expedition for sure. Although it torked me off that he didn't even tell me about it for a couple of months until something more major happened (I received a bizarre anonymous letter in the mail and he thought it might have been her), I know how this all happens.

 

These are very, very messy situations. And we don't know on the BS's end whether she was checking and had access to his account or whether he saw it and let his BS know about it. Either way, he is heavily monitored.

 

Just keep the emails as proof in case it goes further, but for now ignore. Just know things are messy at home and this just, unfortunately, opened the wound again...

 

thank you...

[WakingUp]

Sending that message was an accident, pure and simple.

 

The BW has reacted, and that is understandable too.

 

I agree with just blocking, deleting, ignoring any emails.... otherwise you are just feeding the craziness.

 

Don't even read them. Do not let any of this be part of your life anymore.

 

Don't lose your progress!

[underwater2010]

Yes it does...but the fun part of all this drama you helped cause, is that she/he has a little leeway to ask what the heck truly went on. Do yourself a favor and answer her/his questions then, STOP. You owe them that much!!!

[lilmisscantbewrong]

So all you did was view the profile? You didn't send a request to connect? Big deal. Easy mistake to make. Just don't do it again - lol.

 

Sorry - I don't think you owe them anything else. It's all been done. Now you know how the site works and its possible he will "pop up" again. It's happened to me. There is no way to prevent this entirely on this site. Just go about your business and ignore. You have apologized - beyond that you can't do anything else.

Edited June 4, 2013 by lilmisscantbewrong

[spice4life]

Wow, so clicking on the "X" next to a person's name in "people you may know" sends a request like that? Someone popped up in my "people you my know" on that same site and hit the "X"...I certainly hope it didn't send a request to view their profile! I didn't even know that site did that! Where do you look to see if a request like that was indeed sent? Does this only happen on the mobile version? I did it on my PC and not mobile. Everytime I try to download the mobile version my phone gets messed up so I stopped...lol.

[Summer Breeze]

I had downloaded the app while I was away from the house in an attempt to accept a colleagues request. Once I accepted them a list of "people you may know" appeared...lets say for arguments sake that it had been on my phone about 30 seconds at this point. So now I'm checking it out...right? Natural I imagine to see who they think I might know. And there he was...I don't know how he got there (I assume because it cross references email addresses)...regardless, I didn't care. I just wanted him gone. So...similar to other social networks I attempted to hit the X adjacent to his name and photo to remove him only to be notified that by doing this I had sent him a request to "view his profile".

 

Realistically...why would I even want to do this. I know where he went to school, college, his past jobs, and where he works now. Why would I want to look at these things? It just doesn't make sense. If I was gonna contact him...I'd call, plain and simple.

 

I'm not sure what site you are thinking of, but in this case I am able to choose what the public sees and what my "network" sees. I assume by sending this request you are not asking to join their "network" but just to review their qualification? Who knows...I'm new to the whole thing and haven't been back to the app since.

 

I have not viewed his profile nor am I aware that he has viewed mine.

 

This is what I don't get as well. On the professional sites there isn't a whole lot of personal stuff -- none in mine or the other people I'm connected to. Why would you look? What does it get you even if you do want to have a peek? I'm with you that if you wanted to contact him that would probably not even be an option you'd take. If you wanted to see what he's doing in life it's not the place you'd be going. Well at least I wouldn't be.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Wow, so clicking on the "X" next to a person's name in "people you may know" sends a request like that? Someone popped up in my "people you my know" on that same site and hit the "X"...I certainly hope it didn't send a request to view their profile! I didn't even know that site did that! Where do you look to see if a request like that was indeed sent? Does this only happen on the mobile version? I did it on my PC and not mobile. Everytime I try to download the mobile version my phone gets messed up so I stopped...lol.

 

If you are on the full site clicking on the x on the right of the name should prevent them from popping up as "someone you may want to connect with". However one little miss to the left and now you are suddenly viewing their profile. There is another button that actually says "connect". It would be easy to mistakenly send a request.

 

I don't know if that has happened because the op hasn't really answered my question - did she view the profile or send an invitation to connect?

 

The other thing is you can actually set your profile that there is another step before you can connect - like you have to answer a question first (how do you know so and so) and also another step where you actually have to out in their email address before you send the invitation. So there are ways to make it more difficult to connect and apparently this xom has not done that (nor has his wide - lol).

 

At any rate, whatever has been done is done - just don't do it again- lol.