A long tale of my deceit. I need a serious slap

[Journee]

great advice from WWIU but I went with LG. I told her to respect my decision, that id set things straight in my life and I don't appreciate her contacting me. I said if she ever cared she will respect this. I got a reply saying she is glad i am happy and that she feels silly for contacting me now but just cares still. I have not replied to this one and had no further. I said all in the first one. I hope that sorts that. I think she wanted to just stick the knife in maybe. I dont need her pity, i need her to disappear.

 

 

You may have done something foolish and regrettable but your actions in the aftermath have been very noble. Giving you partner the truth about her own life and then to let the OW have a bit of closure also. Rare to see around these parts.

 

What are your plans going forward? How have you been holding up since seeing your little girl?

[Ps33]

You may have done something foolish and regrettable but your actions in the aftermath have been very noble. Giving you partner the truth about her own life and then to let the OW have a bit of closure also. Rare to see around these parts.

 

What are your plans going forward? How have you been holding up since seeing your little girl?

 

Honest answer is, I dont know what my plans are going forward. Just take each day as it comes an try to do my best throughout it. Everyday I get stronger towards the OW. I do see now how stupid I was and how I could never be with someone like her but Id be lying if I said it was easy. Since seeing my little girl I've been ok. I feel sad and full of regret constantly. Ive caught up on a lot of breaking bad and luther! lol but I need my own company I feel for a bit. A few people have said what Ive done in the aftermath deserves respect ect but I dont see it that way. I see it as the least I could do. I've messed up big time so I deserve the way I feel right now, not sympathy! I appreciate your kind words however.

[Ps33]

It's not sympathy for your screwups, it's respect that you are doing your best to make it right. You are new here, but you have no idea how few people do what you've done. To come clean and that you are changing your life is an honorable thing.

 

Kudo's to you and my most sincere best wishes.

 

"we can't change the world, unless we change ourselves". Hey no Im appreciative of the words of incentive, they offer me motivation. I just don't feel I deserve them but you make a good point in that I dont really know much about how people deal with my situation themselves. God, I don't know how it couldnt get to the point it got with me! Ive been depressed pretty much straight after it started until I came clean. It wasn't a fun experience. I continued for many wrong reasons and if id not come on here an made the right choices, I think I would have had a break down. Ive got a long way to go but I feel good about my choices. Theyve given me peace of mind, happiness will find me at a later date hopefully.

[whichwayisup]

great advice from WWIU but I went with LG. I told her to respect my decision, that id set things straight in my life and I don't appreciate her contacting me. I said if she ever cared she will respect this. I got a reply saying she is glad i am happy and that she feels silly for contacting me now but just cares still. I have not replied to this one and had no further. I said all in the first one. I hope that sorts that. I think she wanted to just stick the knife in maybe. I dont need her pity, i need her to disappear.

 

Well done. You handled that well, perfect wording and also by not replying to her reply back is even better.

 

You don't want to hear from her anymore, make it impossible for her to contact you, even if that means changing your email address and closing the other account. Sure it'll be a pain in the ass to update your friend contact list again, but it'll be well worth it. Last thing you need is in a month or two, she reaches out to test the waters, see how you're doing and just to say 'hi'.. Chances are quite high she WILL do that in a few months, hoping you'll change your mind about her or possibly just to fish to see what is going on in your life, if there's hope for her again. Crush it now, change the email address for your own sanity.

[Ps33]

Well done. You handled that well, perfect wording and also by not replying to her reply back is even better.

 

You don't want to hear from her anymore, make it impossible for her to contact you, even if that means changing your email address and closing the other account. Sure it'll be a pain in the ass to update your friend contact list again, but it'll be well worth it. Last thing you need is in a month or two, she reaches out to test the waters, see how you're doing and just to say 'hi'.. Chances are quite high she WILL do that in a few months, hoping you'll change your mind about her or possibly just to fish to see what is going on in your life, if there's hope for her again. Crush it now, change the email address for your own sanity.

 

Ive terminated my yahoo account. It was tough but I've done it. Now she could still possibly contact me through my work email an I cannot change that as easily but hopefully when she doesn't get a reply from my home email, she will get the hint. Ive uninstalled my messaging app on my phone aswell (KIK) and swore on my daughters life not to go back on it for at least 6months (I did contact other people on it). I could've just blocked her but if I'm on I can see her profile pic (whatever it'll be would pee me off) and the temptation to text her would be high. Ive got a new number as I stated a few days ago so she cant text and I've deleted her number (I could only get that by going through my O2 records online and I cant see me doing that on a drunken night out thankfully). All in all I feel like crap but I can't deny, I do feel in control of my feelings a but more. Like I'm teaching myself a lesson. As always, Im thankful of your advice and I appreciate the fact you want me to keep you updated. I will. It helps me loads. Hopefully in time, I will feel confident enough to offer advice back on other threads :-)

[Ps33]

Hey. Its 8am here and I've not slept much. I phoned in sick today also. I don't think today is gonna be a good day an its gonna take a lot of strength to get through. Is it normal to have these major relapses? I've been so positive but I just feel sad an lost today! What a mess I am. I just bought some cigs too an I've been quit for years. I will not contact the exow. I swear I will not but today I feel is my test.

[waterwoman]

Stay strong. Don't undo all the work you've done x

[Calcmag]

It's absolutely normal to have really bad days where you feel like you're right back to square one. Or even to feel worse than you have ever before. It's normal. Expect a huge rollercoaster ride in the weeks and months ahead.

You've done an amazing job so far - don't let yourself down now!

I hope you've kept busy today.

[whichwayisup]

Hey. Its 8am here and I've not slept much. I phoned in sick today also. I don't think today is gonna be a good day an its gonna take a lot of strength to get through. Is it normal to have these major relapses? I've been so positive but I just feel sad an lost today! What a mess I am. I just bought some cigs too an I've been quit for years. I will not contact the exow. I swear I will not but today I feel is my test.

 

Get your butt out of bed and go the gym. Do a big work-out, tire yourself out.

 

Then come home, cry and grieve the loss of your exOW. Shower and do something fun, watch a movie that has humour in it and keep your mind occupied.

 

It's okay to have bad days, you'll probably have more. Just don't give into them and most of all, don't cave and contact her. You post here if you feel an urge.

[Ps33]

Get your butt out of bed and go the gym. Do a big work-out, tire yourself out.

 

Then come home, cry and grieve the loss of your exOW. Shower and do something fun, watch a movie that has humour in it and keep your mind occupied.

 

It's okay to have bad days, you'll probably have more. Just don't give into them and most of all, don't cave and contact her. You post here if you feel an urge.

 

I certainly won't bloody cry over her haha. No seriously, I can't cry over her if anything I'd cry over the hurt I've caused my family. My mums been really good and offered me sound advice. Today after posting, I played some video games, watched a few episodes of breaking bad (season 2 is really good) and I fell asleep. Gonna have tea with my mum so today wasnt so bad. Tomorrow I'm off and have the house to myself again so I'm gonna set up a plan! Wed Thurs I've got my daughter so that's fantastic and friday sat I'm in work. Also I got some fantastic news, it doesn't mean anything (and I was told exactly that) but my ex partner invited me round for Sunday lunch cos its fathers day an she wants our daughter to give me her gift. God she's such an amazing woman, I'd be an idiot full stop if I was her.. Truly humbled and greatful. Got something to look forward to at last.

[Journee]

I certainly won't bloody cry over her haha. No seriously, I can't cry over her if anything I'd cry over the hurt I've caused my family. My mums been really good and offered me sound advice. Today after posting, I played some video games, watched a few episodes of breaking bad (season 2 is really good) and I fell asleep. Gonna have tea with my mum so today wasnt so bad. Tomorrow I'm off and have the house to myself again so I'm gonna set up a plan! Wed Thurs I've got my daughter so that's fantastic and friday sat I'm in work. Also I got some fantastic news, it doesn't mean anything (and I was told exactly that) but my ex partner invited me round for Sunday lunch cos its fathers day an she wants our daughter to give me her gift. God she's such an amazing woman, I'd be an idiot full stop if I was her.. Truly humbled and greatful. Got something to look forward to at last.

 

 

If you have not made it to the season finale of season 4 you GOTTA buckle down and get there lol It is unbelievably good. AMC continues to out do themselves. Breaking Bad, Mad Men and Walking Dead hit after hit..

 

Anyway! It is perfectly normal to have bad days. I still have them. I am a BS who chose to reconcile. I grieve what I thought I knew and what will never be. Feel what you need to. You may change your mind about things a hundred times before it's all said and done. Like anything else take the good with the bad.

 

I am glad you are looking forward to Father's Day. Don't let this define you.

[Ps33]

If you have not made it to the season finale of season 4 you GOTTA buckle down and get there lol It is unbelievably good. AMC continues to out do themselves. Breaking Bad, Mad Men and Walking Dead hit after hit..

 

Anyway! It is perfectly normal to have bad days. I still have them. I am a BS who chose to reconcile. I grieve what I thought I knew and what will never be. Feel what you need to. You may change your mind about things a hundred times before it's all said and done. Like anything else take the good with the bad.

 

I am glad you are looking forward to Father's Day. Don't let this define you.

 

Yeah I can't wait to get to season 3/4 which are supposed to be the best. I love walking dead (season 2 was tough at times) but never heard of madmen. I'll see if it's on Netflix. I'm feeling a bit better today. I've been making myself make promises and even swearing on my daughters life which I know will force me to do the right thing. For example I swore not to reinstall Kik which I know she's on but I'll only look at her profile or worse, message her. And I've also swore never to search for her on Facebook (I know she recently joined). I won't go against what I consider a promise on my baby's life. Never. So as much as I struggled, I said the words and I feel so much better for it. Got to use whatever we can eh?? Also what's a BS? I've worked most acronyms but can't that! X

[skywriter]

BS- Betrayed Spouse

[Journee]

Yeah I can't wait to get to season 3/4 which are supposed to be the best. I love walking dead (season 2 was tough at times) but never heard of madmen. I'll see if it's on Netflix. I'm feeling a bit better today. I've been making myself make promises and even swearing on my daughters life which I know will force me to do the right thing. For example I swore not to reinstall Kik which I know she's on but I'll only look at her profile or worse, message her. And I've also swore never to search for her on Facebook (I know she recently joined). I won't go against what I consider a promise on my baby's life. Never. So as much as I struggled, I said the words and I feel so much better for it. Got to use whatever we can eh?? Also what's a BS? I've worked most acronyms but can't that! X

 

 

BS is a betrayed spouse. I won't go in depth here as this post is about you but it would had been very easy for my H and I to give up. Would have made since even. Let me tell you though, when it comes down to it nothing is more important than those who love you, your family. There will always be someone willing to help you be destructive , whether it be in an affair or something else. My husband and I chose to work things out and reconcile. There are not guarantees in life but it's worth it for us. He is working on himself and I am working on myself. We have children and ten years of history that cannot compare to the influx of men and women that may be interested. All the energy expended into affairs take away from what could be an amazing relationship or marriage. It baffles me how anyone has time for it.

 

I just want to express to you that the pain your ex partner is feeling is unimaginable. It is life changing. Even if you never plan to be with her again ( I see more mention of the OW in your posts) she is forever changed. This may be a positive for everyone involved. Lessons learned and all that. You sound like a good soul who got lost along the way. You will be alright. Just remember the type of person that you were during the affair. The secrets and lies. Who wants to live like that?

 

Also knowing what you are capable of and also your OW it may make it difficult for you to trust in future relationships. This will have a lasting impact.

 

You are doing great. I know it's very hard to lose not one but two folks you cared for. It is probably very overwhelming. You can right what went wrong though.

 

Check out Madmen, it's worth a look.

[Ps33]

BS is a betrayed spouse. I won't go in depth here as this post is about you but it would had been very easy for my H and I to give up. Would have made since even. Let me tell you though, when it comes down to it nothing is more important than those who love you, your family. There will always be someone willing to help you be destructive , whether it be in an affair or something else. My husband and I chose to work things out and reconcile. There are not guarantees in life but it's worth it for us. He is working on himself and I am working on myself. We have children and ten years of history that cannot compare to the influx of men and women that may be interested. All the energy expended into affairs take away from what could be an amazing relationship or marriage. It baffles me how anyone has time for it.

 

I just want to express to you that the pain your ex partner is feeling is unimaginable. It is life changing. Even if you never plan to be with her again ( I see more mention of the OW in your posts) she is forever changed. This may be a positive for everyone involved. Lessons learned and all that. You sound like a good soul who got lost along the way. You will be alright. Just remember the type of person that you were during the affair. The secrets and lies. Who wants to live like that?

 

Also knowing what you are capable of and also your OW it may make it difficult for you to trust in future relationships. This will have a lasting impact.

 

You are doing great. I know it's very hard to lose not one but two folks you cared for. It is probably very overwhelming. You can right what went wrong though.

 

Check out Madmen, it's worth a look.

 

Thank you for this reply. You sound very grounded and wise after your experiences. I hope to get there. Your right I have mentioned the ow more but in my heart and with full brutal honesty, that's because I am selfish and my ego was put out. That's embarrassing but if I'm not honest with myself I will be back where I started. I cared for the ow an losing that friendship completely from my life is not easy but the right thing rarely is.. It's a bit of grief I feel for that. That's all an it will pass. No matter what she did or said, my mind is complete made on who I want to be from this point on. Can people change? I don't know but I feel I am just changing back to who I am. I need no focus for that. My life is no longer a lie an that is liberating. Yeah, my life is in an awful state at the minute but it's a step up than what it was during my betrayal. I betrayed myself too.

 

My ex an I had problems sure but nothing a bit of serious effort would not have fixed. I DO love her and am devastated an ashamed of how I hurt her and our family. That is true, however I'd be lying if I said we've been still in love over the past couple of years. Can that be saved? Who knows, there would have to a compromise on both parts and lots of work on my behalf. One day and for both our sakes that can't been soon, but I hope to get the chance to fix my wrongs.

I know if I don't this mistake WILL define me as it will haunt me forever. Maybe that'll be my punishment an I will respect it, if so. I pray that is not my destiny, though I probably deserve it to be. That's how I feel. Thank you for the madmen referral!

[Journee]

Thank you for this reply. You sound very grounded and wise after your experiences. I hope to get there. Your right I have mentioned the ow more but in my heart and with full brutal honesty, that's because I am selfish and my ego was put out. That's embarrassing but if I'm not honest with myself I will be back where I started. I cared for the ow an losing that friendship completely from my life is not easy but the right thing rarely is.. It's a bit of grief I feel for that. That's all an it will pass. No matter what she did or said, my mind is complete made on who I want to be from this point on. Can people change? I don't know but I feel I am just changing back to who I am. I need no focus for that. My life is no longer a lie an that is liberating. Yeah, my life is in an awful state at the minute but it's a step up than what it was during my betrayal. I betrayed myself too.

 

My ex an I had problems sure but nothing a bit of serious effort would not have fixed. I DO love her and am devastated an ashamed of how I hurt her and our family. That is true, however I'd be lying if I said we've been still in love over the past couple of years. Can that be saved? Who knows, there would have to a compromise on both parts and lots of work on my behalf. One day and for both our sakes that can't been soon, but I hope to get the chance to fix my wrongs.

I know if I don't this mistake WILL define me as it will haunt me forever. Maybe that'll be my punishment an I will respect it, if so. I pray that is not my destiny, though I probably deserve it to be. That's how I feel. Thank you for the madmen referral!

 

 

 

Okay, let me throw this at you as a possibility. Is it possible that you and your ex partner have not been inlove for the past couple of years because a good part of your energy was going into an affair? It is very difficult to spread yourself out like that. How can one cultivate true, mature and deep love when distracted by someone else? Your partner had to have felt that too. She may not have known exactly what but I bet if you ask her ,in hindsight, she is connecting dots. Having plenty of Aha! moments. That's the thing about discovering an affair...everything finally makes sense...

 

Thank you for you compliment but trust me I am not an easy woman to love. I have my issues and my growing pains too. My husband could have given up on me at times too but he never did. I didn't deserve him sometimes too but he loved me anyway. I think that is what a lot of long term relationships have in store for the participants. Someone that loves you despite yourself. I bet there were times when your partner felt rejected, alone, confused...but she loved you anyway. Times when 2+2 did not equal 4 ,but she loved you anyway. Yeah, she may have pulled away right now (wouldn't you?) but love her anyway. She may cry and rage and lose control ,but love her anyway.

 

I really do wish you the best and I can feel the conflict in your posts. I bet your partner can feel it too. You know something else? You beating yourself up like this? I bet your betrayed partner actually would hate to hear that. My husband has taken me through the ringer but I hate to hear him down on himself. Yeah he mucked up, but I love that man. One of my promises to him as his wife is to be there when no one else is. When the chips are down. Do you think his OW would have done that? I think he knows that too.

 

I am only going by your posts but you will not let this define you. You are not the "typical" male poster that comes along here.

 

You will make it sir. You can right this wrong.

Edited June 11, 2013 by Journee

[Ps33]

Okay, let me throw this at you as a possibility. Is it possible that you and your ex partner have not been inlove for the past couple of years because a good part of your energy was going into an affair? It is very difficult to spread yourself out like that. How can one cultivate true, mature and deep love when distracted by someone else? Your partner had to have felt that too. She may not have known exactly what but I bet if you ask her ,in hindsight, she is connecting dots. Having plenty of Aha! moments. That's the thing about discovering an affair...everything finally makes sense...

 

Thank you for you compliment but trust me I am not an easy woman to love. I have my issues and my growing pains too. My husband could have given up on me at times too but he never did. I didn't deserve him sometimes too but he loved me anyway. I think that is what a lot of long term relationships have in store for the participants. Someone that loves you despite yourself. I bet there were times when your partner felt rejected, alone, confused...but she loved you anyway. Times when 2+2 did not equal 4 ,but she loved you anyway. Yeah, she may have pulled away right now (wouldn't you?) but love her anyway. She may cry and rage and lose control ,but love her anyway.

 

I really do wish you the best and I can feel the conflict in your posts. I bet your partner can feel it too. You know something else? You beating yourself up like this? I bet your betrayed partner actually would hate to hear that. My husband has taken me through the ringer but I hate to hear him down on himself. Yeah he mucked up, but I love that man. One of my promises to him as his wife is to be there when no one else is. When the chips are down. Do you think his OW would have done that? I think he knows that too.

 

I am only going by your posts but you will not let this define you. You are not the "typical" male poster that comes along here.

 

You will make it sir. You can right this wrong.

 

 

Your words lift me they really do. Thank you. Your right, I wasn't putting all in and your right about love. I will love her, no matter what she does or says. I will be there for when she needs me to be and go when she needs me to go. I'll do all I can and if it's not enough then, well I don't want to think about that cos I want to be positive. I've saved some of the things you said about love because that's what it is all about and it made sense to me. I will try and be less hard on myself but I do feel I betrayed myself. I know now of us are perfect but we should try our best and I didn't do that. I won't make that mistake again. That is something that will take time for any other person to believe from me but I will.

 

Little true story for you (sorry I know I go on ha) but my grandma died when she was 51 and had been married to my grandad (who passed a few years back) for 30 years. He w English, her irish. Her family said some mean things about him, typical man he'll be remarried in a year ect ect. He never did. He never had another woman by his side until he died 21 years later. I asked him why an he said cos shell wait for me an I'm waiting for her. He was a great man. My father was womaniser. I know who I wanna be like. Thank you again, I wish you happiness too x

[Journee]

Your words lift me they really do. Thank you. Your right, I wasn't putting all in and your right about love. I will love her, no matter what she does or says. I will be there for when she needs me to be and go when she needs me to go. I'll do all I can and if it's not enough then, well I don't want to think about that cos I want to be positive. I've saved some of the things you said about love because that's what it is all about and it made sense to me. I will try and be less hard on myself but I do feel I betrayed myself. I know now of us are perfect but we should try our best and I didn't do that. I won't make that mistake again. That is something that will take time for any other person to believe from me but I will.

 

Little true story for you (sorry I know I go on ha) but my grandma died when she was 51 and had been married to my grandad (who passed a few years back) for 30 years. He w English, her irish. Her family said some mean things about him, typical man he'll be remarried in a year ect ect. He never did. He never had another woman by his side until he died 21 years later. I asked him why an he said cos shell wait for me an I'm waiting for her. He was a great man. My father was womaniser. I know who I wanna be like. Thank you again, I wish you happiness too x

 

 

=============================================

 

 

 

Beautiful post sir

 

 

 

You are welcome. When I was hurting ,just a few months ago ,some pretty great posters helped me through. Good luck.

[Ps33]

Hey all. Just an update of sorts cos there's nothing to really update. No contact from OW thankfully and I'm on friendlyish teems with my ex. Seen my daughter on fathers day and it was great to be back in the house and my home. Although the drive back to my mums was upsetting. But basically I'm doing ok.. Time works and I'm hoping the more that passes the better it gets!

[findingnemo]

Keep going, Ps33. I am so proud of you (Lol! I know this is an anonymous forum but hey)!!

[thecharade]

I have read through your story and you do seem to be a pretty good guy at heart, so I wanted to mention something. You were with your gf for many years prior to the A, but you had not married her. To me, that is a red flag that you felt a deep down reluctance to commit, even if your conscious self felt content. You do also bring up the fact that your gf is wonderful and all that, but more like a best friend. That could indeed be a big problem and the reason you "needed" the OW.

 

I was in a similar situation. My H is a great guy, very kind and giving. I married him knowing full well that I didn't feel that spark, but I thought his other qualities were enough. Then my A started, and I wasn't really happy about what I was involved in or happy with myself. So I tried out several counselors and distinctly remember telling one, "I know my H sounds like a great guy, so you probably don't think I should get a D." But she oddly answered, "Oh, I would definitely not say that!" I didn't go back to her (for an insurance reason) but do feel she was noticing something I didn't want to see: being a "great guy" was not the same as meeting all my needs or the same as being the "right guy."

 

Maybe neither of these women are the right one for you? Maybe you love and respect your gf but do not have that spark for her that you need to feel confident she's The One? I'm sure the idea of hurting your gf and giving up your perfect family sucks, but if she isn't meeting all your needs (romantically, sexually, etc.) you may find yourself either empty and depressed or back in this cheating situation again. I married Mr. Great Guy, but it turns out that I was denying important needs, needs that refused to be denied. My H and I are working on it in IC and MC, but you can't necessarily get back what was never there.

 

Many here say "ego boost" and "attention seeker," but my therapist says that is only one POSSIBLE reason people need As. There are many others. Do not assume that every time an A occurs it is because the wayward is simply a broken loser. That generic explanation does not even begin to cover the many complex psychological intricacies. Again, according to my IC, a betrayed spouse herself, sometimes the relationship dynamic is actually the problem, and we waywards either cannot or do not want to see it. If your relationship with your gf is lacking in a certain area, it is better to figure that out and admit it to yourself now than it is to hurt her again later. Maybe it can be fixed, but if not, it's okay to pursue--honestly and openly--a better one.

 

Good luck.

[Pierre]

I have read through your story and you do seem to be a pretty good guy at heart, so I wanted to mention something. You were with your gf for many years prior to the A, but you had not married her. To me, that is a red flag that you felt a deep down reluctance to commit, even if your conscious self felt content. You do also bring up the fact that your gf is wonderful and all that, but more like a best friend. That could indeed be a big problem and the reason you "needed" the OW.

 

I was in a similar situation. My H is a great guy, very kind and giving. I married him knowing full well that I didn't feel that spark, but I thought his other qualities were enough. Then my A started, and I wasn't really happy about what I was involved in or happy with myself. So I tried out several counselors and distinctly remember telling one, "I know my H sounds like a great guy, so you probably don't think I should get a D." But she oddly answered, "Oh, I would definitely not say that!" I didn't go back to her (for an insurance reason) but do feel she was noticing something I didn't want to see: being a "great guy" was not the same as meeting all my needs or the same as being the "right guy."

 

Maybe neither of these women are the right one for you? Maybe you love and respect your gf but do not have that spark for her that you need to feel confident she's The One? I'm sure the idea of hurting your gf and giving up your perfect family sucks, but if she isn't meeting all your needs (romantically, sexually, etc.) you may find yourself either empty and depressed or back in this cheating situation again. I married Mr. Great Guy, but it turns out that I was denying important needs, needs that refused to be denied. My H and I are working on it in IC and MC, but you can't necessarily get back what was never there.

 

Many here say "ego boost" and "attention seeker," but my therapist says that is only one POSSIBLE reason people need As. There are many others. Do not assume that every time an A occurs it is because the wayward is simply a broken loser. That generic explanation does not even begin to cover the many complex psychological intricacies. Again, according to my IC, a betrayed spouse herself, sometimes the relationship dynamic is actually the problem, and we waywards either cannot or do not want to see it. If your relationship with your gf is lacking in a certain area, it is better to figure that out and admit it to yourself now than it is to hurt her again later. Maybe it can be fixed, but if not, it's okay to pursue--honestly and openly--a better one.

 

Good luck.

 

Charade: Perhaps you and the OP do not understand love.

[Ps33]

Keep going, Ps33. I am so proud of you (Lol! I know this is an anonymous forum but hey)!!

 

Thank you, don't feel quite there but it's coming along. Time heals hopefully

[Ps33]

I have read through your story and you do seem to be a pretty good guy at heart, so I wanted to mention something. You were with your gf for many years prior to the A, but you had not married her. To me, that is a red flag that you felt a deep down reluctance to commit, even if your conscious self felt content. You do also bring up the fact that your gf is wonderful and all that, but more like a best friend. That could indeed be a big problem and the reason you "needed" the OW

 

I was in a similar situation. My H is a great guy, very kind and giving. I married him knowing full well that I didn't feel that spark, but I thought his other qualities were enough. Then my A started, and I wasn't really happy about what I was involved in or happy with myself. So I tried out several counselors and distinctly remember telling one, "I know my H sounds like a great guy, so you probably don't think I should get a D." But she oddly answered, "Oh, I would definitely not say that!" I didn't go back to her (for an insurance reason) but do feel she was noticing something I didn't want to see: being a "great guy" was not the same as meeting all my needs or the same as being the "right guy."

 

Maybe neither of these women are the right one for you? Maybe you love and respect your gf but do not have that spark for her that you need to feel confident she's The One? I'm sure the idea of hurting your gf and giving up your perfect family sucks, but if she isn't meeting all your needs (romantically, sexually, etc.) you may find yourself either empty and depressed or back in this cheating situation again. I married Mr. Great Guy, but it turns out that I was denying important needs, needs that refused to be denied. My H and I are working on it in IC and MC, but you can't necessarily get back what was never there.

 

Many here say "ego boost" and "attention seeker," but my therapist says that is only one POSSIBLE reason people need As. There are many others. Do not assume that every time an A occurs it is because the wayward is simply a broken loser. That generic explanation does not even begin to cover the many complex psychological intricacies. Again, according to my IC, a betrayed spouse herself, sometimes the relationship dynamic is actually the problem, and we waywards either cannot or do not want to see it. If your relationship with your gf is lacking in a certain area, it is better to figure that out and admit it to yourself now than it is to hurt her again later. Maybe it can be fixed, but if not, it's okay to pursue--honestly and openly--a better one.

 

Good luck.

 

Your right of course. There was things lacking from my relationship yes. My OW gave me constant attention, compliments and the sex was really good. My ex gave me all this in the first 6 years of our relationship... But it dried up. My OW didn't compare to my girlfriend in many other ways.. She's not as good a person, weak, shallow, desperate and constantly looking for attention too.

 

My reasons for straying are shameful. Attention, sex and a major ego massage..

 

I can work on myself to improve the shallow, weak parts of me. If my ex an I get back together I know it'd be a long time in the future.. I want that. It will give me time to be a stronger person. If things are still lacking at that stage, I will look to improve things and communicate with her.. I never did that. I took the easy option. No relationships are prefect. I'm not saying people should settle ... But one day, on my death bed (hopefully many many years from now) I know she'll be the woman on mind..

 

I can't give that up without a genuine fight. No matter how long it takes

[thecharade]

That's sweet.

 

My situation is a little different because I pursued the R with my H and know how it affected me as the years went on. I don't want to project because we are not in identical situations, but I did want to mention that missing something important takes its toll.

 

A couple questions:

 

Why did you never marry her?

 

Why do you think you needed attention and/or better sex? You're still young, so why wasn't the R you were in enough?

 

You seem very comfortable blaming yourself and insulting yourself, but isn't that the easy way out? In other words, "I was just weak" is not really a reason for doing something. Most BS will tell you that your 'whys' are much deeper and will take more work.

 

It seems in your earlier posts you were a little more real where your ex was concerned, but your posts now seem to put her on a pedestal. Is it possible your guilt has caused this change in perception, that maybe you are romanticizing her a little now? I'm sure she's great, but she is just a person. Right?

 

She is now your ex, huh? Are you guys allowed to see other people? Where do things stand?

 

Hating yourself for an A is common, especially when other people in your life start weighing in. You have the added baggage of your own dad, too. But you are not 100% horrible. If you believe that, you won't do the necessary work to do better from here. You can do better, sure, but try to appreciate the steps you've taken already.