A long tale of my deceit. I need a serious slap

[Ps33]

That's sweet.

 

My situation is a little different because I pursued the R with my H and know how it affected me as the years went on. I don't want to project because we are not in identical situations, but I did want to mention that missing something important takes its toll.

 

A couple questions:

 

Why did you never marry her?

 

Why do you think you needed attention and/or better sex? You're still young, so why wasn't the R you were in enough?

 

You seem very comfortable blaming yourself and insulting yourself, but isn't that the easy way out? In other words, "I was just weak" is not really a reason for doing something. Most BS will tell you that your 'whys' are much deeper and will take more work.

 

It seems in your earlier posts you were a little more real where your ex was concerned, but your posts now seem to put her on a pedestal. Is it possible your guilt has caused this change in perception, that maybe you are romanticizing her a little now? I'm sure she's great, but she is just a person. Right?

 

She is now your ex, huh? Are you guys allowed to see other people? Where do things stand?

 

Hating yourself for an A is common, especially when other people in your life start weighing in. You have the added baggage of your own dad, too. But you are not 100% horrible. If you believe that, you won't do the necessary work to do better from here. You can do better, sure, but try to appreciate the steps you've taken already.

 

Thanks for the reply.

 

I don't know a lot of the answers to the questions you've asked.

 

There was a lot of reasons I didn't marry her. Mainly money if truth be told. We do ok but had to save for a house ect but then there wasn't a plan which I suppose there could have been. I didn't feel the need for better sex, I thought sex say really good with my ex. It was different with the ow and I guess taboo and exciting... Novelty?

 

I've been accused of putting my ex on a pedestal before, non more so than by the ow. Maybe your right and I should monitor that because if things don't work out, it could cause issues with anyone else.

 

Yes, we are both single now so could potentially see other people although the thought has not entered my mind. I'm really of the thought and point in my life where I need to sort some long term issues out with myself. I don't feel I've got serious problems in the grand scheme of life but I need to understand my actions and mistakes in order to grow from them. I'm really unhappy at my actions throughout this whole affair and it will take a long time to forgive myself. By that time, the 0.1 chance I could recover this situation may be zero and I accept that. I also accept that I may not even want to at that point. I really don't know. But if I don't sort me out now, I would never be able to commit to an 'us' with anybody. I don't have the answer but I'm hoping that time and learning from what I've done will help me grow and become a better man. Someone I'm happy in myself to be. Someone I've not been for a while. I do give myself credit for the steps I've taken because I feel happy my conscience is at least clear from lie but really, in the truest sense of the words.. It was the least I could do.

 

What about you, do you think your relationship will recover completely?

[JustAReformedGirl]

 

I had been with my girlfriend for 7 years, we lived at my parents house for 6 of those and had just got our own place. I was a couple of years into a really decent career and had never strayed. I love/d (you decide) my girlfriend dearly. She's a better person than me and a fantastic lady.

 

A married woman started at work and after a few months ended up working with me once or twice. She told her life story, shed separated from her husband over 12 months ago after finding him cheating but had two small children to him. Anyway we exchanged numbers as was normal and the texts started... it got flirty and I was really flattered. A work night out came about and we were chatting. I played it very cool and somewhat too cool as after moving pubs I found out she snogged some lad in-between.

 

 

He was with a girl an basically said it shouldnt have happened. I was abit disappointed. she text me and I jokingly said I thought she liked me! She said she did and would give me a snog next time. I laughed it off but sure enough the texts got more an more flirty.

 

I'm not sure what to make of your AP. At this point here, at the very least, I don't think her feelings for you had truly developed. Being separated from her husband, chances are she was lapping up any/all attention she could get, at this time.

 

 

 

 

I then went on a stag do and ask one of the lads what he thought about her. He

told me he'd shagged her a few times and she was abit of a fruit loop in his

words. I confronted her and she phoned him up and went mad. He was laughing his

head off and I saw shed text him thanks and that she really liked me ect. He was

with someone and I later found out off her he'd rang to swear his undying love

to her but she apparently binned him off that night.

 

This is where it gets more muddled. If I had to guess, neither one of them was telling the full truth here. If she rejected him, it's plausible that he lied about her being a fruit loop...or at least, to the extent he made it sound.

 

She talked me round and came on to me several times at work and on other nights

out. I resisted. I said I couldnt cheat... eventually Id had enough and I slept

with her. My girlfriend is not very forthcoming when it comes to sex. Shes open

to most things and good in bed but initiating sex and making me feel lusted

after was never there. This girl was different and seemed to want me really

badly. She confessed her dying love for me constantly.

 

It sounds like you received with your AP what you lacked with your girlfriend. I'm not condoning what you did-but, I do see the reasoning behind it. However, perhaps instead of engaging in the affair, you should have openly discussed with your girlfriend that you wanted her to pursue sex with you, now and then. Relationships involve some sacrifice and compromise to work. However, having cheated myself, I won't condemn you. What should have been done can't be done, now. Both you and your AP got something emotionally and physically from each other that you needed. That being said? It doesn't mean it will work out.

 

We had an affair and after a few months, I found her talking to the lad shed

slept with, I confronted her to which she said she was not interested in him

anymore but if I wanted a say I needed to show her shes more than a bit on the

side. I told her id broke up from my girlfriend and wanted to be more serious

with her. It was a lie.

 

I somewhat understand her logic, but at the same time, she entered into the affair knowing full well she was just on the side. You lying was your next mistake, but you clearly know that.

 

We continued to see each (telling nothing to no-one, much to her dislike) and

eventually we started arguing over her past liaisons with work colleagues.

People would say horrible things about her, not knowing I was seeing her and I

lapped it up. It caused arguments big time. I was jealous even though I was

cheating!

 

Even if they didn't know you were seeing her, doesn't mean they didn't lie, embellish, or omit some of their faults, in whatever affairs they'd had with her. As to your jealousy...well, emotions seldom are logical. You got jealous, and if your legitimate gf had cheated, you'd likewise get jealous in regard to her, too-even with you having committed the act, yourself. It's selfish, but it's a very human response that sometimes, cannot be helped.

 

 

 

But my affair was obsessed with me big time. She honestly talked like she adored

me. Sex was explosive and very raunchy. She made me feel amazing. Wanted

marriage, kids the lot with me...but i resisted and fed her lines and excuses

 

I can't say if your AP truly loves/loved you, or not. I can say she probably genuinely believed she did. But it's more likely the high of being in the stages you two are with each other...or were. She may have loved you, but it may not be the right kind of love. Who knows?

 

 

The affair was tough and we split. A week later she text me to tell me she

was trying again with her husband.. it lasted a week before she was texting me

again. We got back together but a month later we were arguing again.

 

 

Based on this, and something you say she admitted later, she had developed an emotional dependency on you, and when she couldn't count on you, reverted to her dependency on her eventually-to-be- ex husband. Maybe she didn't mean to jerk either of you around emotionally (or at the very least, she may not have meant to jerk you around), but that's what she did. Of course, you're guilty of the same. But, your guilt could be to do with being as confused as she probably was, too. In essence, maybe neither of you meant to be jerks.

 

 

I split with my affair and said some really nasty things to her. I was upset. I wouldnt speak to her. two days later I went to her flat, she told me her mum was there and she would speak to me in the morning. I persisted and found her husband was there. We got into a fight and I left.

 

I met up with him the next morning and he said shed asked to help sell her car

and they spent the day together. Apparently everytime she fell out with me, she

text him but they never got it on but on that night he had nipped back to their

old house to fetch some porn. She told she had some new stuff (I did her a cd).

He said they'd kissed but he never found the porn and then I ruined the party.

She was devastated when we both turned up at the flat to confront her. She told

him coldly she loved me but when I ****ed her off, she would contact him when

she was bored and lonely. It was awful. texts were flying everywhere after that

and he told shed told him I was better in bed (why do we ask, as men!) and she

loved me. I even believed her when she said she just wanted to show him the porn

to make him jealous of the stuff shes into with me.. fool.

 

This is the part I'm talking about. She told you she did it to make him jealous, but she may have spoon-fed him some b.s. about you, as well. It's hard to say. She also may have meant it.

 

I got really upset by all this and thought id come to my senses an tried to be

more forthcoming with my girlfriend. I asked her for a baby... it took two times

of having sex in her ovulating week to establish wed been successful... I was

made up but also disgusted in myself for still replying to texts from the other

woman.

 

Quick conception. But...very ill-timed. Getting her pregnant sounded like a way to get back at your AP, or perhaps you did it to force yourself to move on from the affair. Either way, very poor timing, indeed. I'm not judging you, but it was. And that child will have a lot of crap to deal with, unless you make a choice, and stick to it.

 

So, I went round an told her thinking Id show her... it was a c**ts trick and

she was gutted. I felt bad and lied... said we had sex once when I was really

upset at finding her husband there and I wanted to be with her. She stuck

around. Came to terms with it and I made her promises that I would not go back

to my girlfriend and we would share responsibility of my daughter. Them months

were hard for her and me an mostly my girlfriend who had suspicions but never

confirmed. Baby came and it was the most wonderful day of my life.. I knew I

could never leave her side.

 

If nothing else, it sounds like you're a good dad. Not good to the mother, necessarily, but your relationship struggles aside, you won't abandon your kid. That counts for something.

 

Meanwhile, feeling terrible I lied further an strung my affair along. Told

several lies about not being able to trust her (major trust issue with her, hows

that for twisted).

Not completely twisted; the trust issues, I imagine, would exist on both sides. She was party to your infidelity. Maybe for part of that she was under the assumption you'd broke it off with your gf, but for other parts? She knew full well. So if she can be party to it, she may be capable of it, as well. So no, your logic isn't fully twisted.

 

 

12 months later I left my affair and found out after two days shed gone on a

dating website and met a guy for drink but binned him off after not liking him

(I saw the emails and kinda believed her). I was really upset by it weirdly.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I then asked my girlfriend to marry me.... anyone been sick yet cos I am

trash.

 

I can't judge that; my affair began 6 months before I got married. I got married for two reasons: 1) Pressure from my then fiancé, family, and friends, and 2) my AP had started a legit relationship, and I thought he and I were done, and I was trying to move on. I deluded myself into believing I could salvage my legit relationship. It all backfired. Biggest ****-up of my life, so I can't and won't judge you. I will say it was a mistake, and I'm sure you'd change things, if you could go back. I would.

 

The other woman wanted to carry on the affair (her thinking we together but with

me having different obstacles) and 4 months later we split for two weeks. I

contacted her after finding out shed met a guy.. shed not but had been on a

dating website an was speaking to several. She told me she liked one. I told her

in anger I still loved my girlfriend who shed always had an issue with an

especially as she was the mother of my child and I also told her that for

18months I had a close friendship with girlfriend (who was my ex to her) but

never crossed the line.

 

It sounds like both you and your AP played jealousy games with each other. Maybe subconsciously, but you particularly seem possessive of her. You'd split, but as soon as you thought she'd be happy with someone else, you'd get in contact again. I can tell you now, what you and your AP have/had isn't healthy.

 

A week later I saw a photo of my affair kissing a guy on facebook. I confronted

her and she said she was gutted I had been lying to her for 18months (she only

knew the half of it) and couldn't get back with me. We got chatting an invited

me round for sex. She told me shed been seeing this guy and liked him, She'd

slept with him several times but he couldn't excite her like I did. She made

several unprovoked references to him not being as good in bed and that she still

loved me but he was kind to her and I just break her heart. She said all her

family hate because she's been the other woman and Ive took the piss (again,

they only know the half of it).

 

Definitely going with my jealousy games theory. She's just as guilty as you, here.

 

So, why am I gutted beyond belief? Pride? Ego? Shame? I love my girlfriend but

its not the same sexually. Its like we are best friends not lovers. Ive tried in

the past week to spice up our sex life and it really seems to work and she's

responding fantastically but Im heartbroken about my ex. Why!!! I ****ed about

with her life. I pushed her constant love away for so long. She claims to still

love me but says we cannot have sex again as she likes this lad and wants to be

faithful. I said I want to be with her (I wouldn't leave my girlfriend and

daughter so I don't know why I said it) and she text her family she was meeting

me for a coffee. They responded badly and she said it was too hard and too much

had happened.

 

Ego and Pride definitely are players; maybe not the only players in this game, but I'm seeing it. You want to be with her...but you won't leave your girlfriend. Along with that, you're working on your legit relationship. My advice? As hard as it is, let your AP go. Just...let her go. Things are starting to work out with your gf, and even if they weren't, and you were to leave, your AP and you likely wouldn't have a healthy relationship; not with all the drama you've caused with each other, and especially now that she wants to try her hand at her own faithful relationship.

 

Im so sorry for my actions and I know Im feeling sorry for myself but I do feel hurt and guilty. Im the worst kind of person and I really dont want to be. My dad was cheat and left us to rot and I swore id never be like him but I am and that kills me. Id like help and Id like to fix my relationship with now fiancé. I just dont know how to get my affair out of my head...

 

Sorry for the long text... for those that read it all, I thank you sincerely .

 

Like you, my background consisted of similar. My bio dad was cheating on his wife with my mom. the affair went on for 4+ years. My mom intentionally got preggers with me, but not to trap him. Her biological clock was ticking, and she wanted a daughter. My bio dad had four legit kids (2 from first marriage, 2 from the second, and current marriage; his wife never found out). He has only one son, so my mom figured the odds for a girl were good. Anyway, in my affair, I've basically donned the role of my bio dad-only my affair is just physical. It's very emotional as well; in fact, that's where it began. I can't say that because we're products of this sort of thing, that we were destined to do what we've done. I can say it may have been somewhat of an influence-even though we both hated and rebelled against it.

 

Anyway, grieve; even if it seems stupid, given the fact it was an affair, it is perfectly normal to grieve. You need to do this, or you will never heal; if you don't heal, you won't be able to better your relationship with your gf, and by extension, that could affect your child. Grieve for as long as you need to, put your AP out of your mind, and above all, work on your relationship. If you truly want it to succeed, this is what you need to do. I wish you the best of luck.

[Ps33]

Just a little update. Been a while. I'm doing ok. Things settled with ex and we getting along in a civil sense.

The ow contacted me the other day... I made the mistake of meeting her for a coffee. That's all it was however, nothing happened. She told me shed been in two relationships and had a few dates in past 6/8 weeks but wait for it.. They didn't compare to me and she's struggling to move on. I told her that I was sorry for all the hurt I caused and that I made a lot of mistakes in trying to put right. Think she was surprised at how relaxed I was. She asked if it was ok to email me again (work email that was only way I could be contacted as I can't change it) and I said it wasn't a good idea. We parted on ok terms, no arguing or anything like that.

 

I'm sure people will think I've relapsed by meeting her but I'm glad I did... There is nothing there for me anymore. Which is good. I felt no love or affection towards her. She's jumping from guy to guy via two dating websites she's on and although it hurt a little to see she's waisted no time in playing the field I'd like to think I chose better by being single and not looking. Although I know my chosen path is harder.

 

Apart from that I'm doing good. No drama is great!