splitopen Posted October 6, 2004 Share Posted October 6, 2004 short summary: married over 20 years. H has cheated for most of them but i didn't know until a couple years back when i caught him red-handed. therapy for him. therapy for me. he has changed a lot, i give him credit. he has been trying so very hard to become a better husband and father and he has succeeded in many ways. he's closer to our kids. treats me better. is far less demanding and controlling. so why can't i feel for him anymore? he comes home and does all the things i used to wish he would do. helps me around the house. takes me out on weekends. tells me he loves me. constantly says i'm sexy, blah blah (*snort*). i do all the right things. smile at him, hug him, say nice things about him, etc., but inside i hurt all the time. i am so afraid. do i really not love him anymore? how can that be? i must love him. i always have. i have been thinking alot about this. what is it that keeps me from forgiving him and moving on from all this emotionally. here's what i think so far... in order to accept what he has done, i have had to numb myself to alot of things. in order not to be afraid he's meeting up with a woman when he's really out golfing or something, i have to tell myself i don't care if he is. i have to tell myself i cannot control what he does or who he sees. i have to tell myself my life is my own and his is his. in order to live with what's been revealed to me, i have to shut off so much of myself. is this what it feels like not to love someone anymore? or will it pass? i see older couples all the time. they do things on their own, without each other, have seperate interests and friends. they don't hate each other, but they don't seem very close to each other either. is this the best i can hope for? a life like theirs? wouldn't it be better just to be alone? Link to post Share on other sites
The_Analyzer Posted October 6, 2004 Share Posted October 6, 2004 I'm sorry you've been hurting and going through this. No one can tell you what you need to do but you. I think you need to sit down and really think through what you truly want. If you want to be with your husband then you got to learn to let some of this stuff go. I understand you have been hurt and are afraid. However, sounds like he was sorry for the things he has done in the past and is moving forward by doing alot of the things you are saying. If this is something you have tried to let go of before but can't, then maybe its best for you to be alone. I think wheather you're with him or not, you will always think of what happened in the past. So its up to you to either move forward with him or without. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
cloudie bay Posted October 7, 2004 Share Posted October 7, 2004 Once a cheater always a cheater, if he has been doing it for the last 20 years, and you have forgiven him over and over again, what makes you think he will change just cause he is being a little more attentive and helping out around the house? Go with your heart, you deserve to feel secure and happy and a man who will give you 100% of yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
GirlDown Posted October 7, 2004 Share Posted October 7, 2004 "once a cheater, always a cheater" is an unfair blanket statement. don't paint everybody with the same brush. however, if her feelings are this way, clearly something is wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
supermom Posted October 7, 2004 Share Posted October 7, 2004 I personally feel that if your husband isn't cheating anymore, then maybe he is growing up. 20 years is a long time, and time enough that there is a possibility. Is there any way do you think you two could get some marriage counceling? Enough is enough is what I think your heart is telling you. You've lived through the infidelity so long that you are emotionally exhausted in regards to this and maybe something is telling you to change that. Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
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