Being in a relationship with someone going through a divorce...

[Brittany2012]

I'm interested in hearing from those of you who are going through a divorce.

 

I am in a relationship with a guy who is married. We met 6 months ago online--not on a dating site. We just started chatting in a small talk kind of way. I never intended on really starting up any kind of relationship with him. Two weeks after we met, I received a message from his wife, saying that he is married. I was pretty shocked, but didn't think much of it, because I had no intention of getting involved with this person. This guy then told me that his marriage was on the rocks and that he was planning on getting a divorce. He met his current wife at age 18, married her at 22 in a courthouse and is now 26. He served a few deployments and said that when he got back, he had just really grown apart from his wife--she seemed like a kid to him.

 

Over a period of months we cultivated a relationship through phone and text, eventually met and started a relationship. That was a month ago. He has now told his family about me and would like me to meet them. He also wants to be in a serious long term relationship with me and discusses our future together.

 

What I cannot comprehend is how he can so quickly move on from his wife with whom he's been in a relationship for 8 years. For those of you going through divorce, do you have any lingering feelings for your spouse? Is it normal to just get into a new relationship right away?

[CarrieT]

What I cannot comprehend is how he can so quickly move on from his wife with whom he's been in a relationship for 8 years.

You explained it - he was with his wife since he was 18 and has, therefore, NEVER been alone as an adult. You are simply the band-aid to staying in a relationship and I would hazard to guess that a relationship with you would not last either.

 

For those of you going through divorce, do you have any lingering feelings for your spouse? Is it normal to just get into a new relationship right away?

Everyone is different in how they separate out from a relationship and there is no "normal" in getting into a new relationship.

 

However, many of us here heartily recommend getting involved with married/separate people. There needs to be a mourning period for the ending of a relationship and by jumping into a new one so quickly, he has not had that time to do so (i.e., like my previous statement, HUGE immaturity issues of never having been on his own).

 

Personally, if I were you, I would run to the hills away from this guy - too many red flags.

[Brittany2012]

This is exactly what my gut tells me. Especially at his age I find it strange that he doesn't want to take time for himself, let the dust settle from the divorce or just date a bunch of different people and see what that is like.

 

I have tried discussing my concerns with him, but he his adamant that he has strong feelings for me and wants to pursue a serious relationship. He says he is not interested in casual dating, doesn't feel like he needs time to process his divorce and that while the timing might not be perfect, he doesn't want to lose me.

 

I am definitely proceeding with caution on this one...

[tinam]

Ugh. I often wonder if my stbx ow thinks about this. Me and him been married 15 years he out of nowhere comes home says he's leaving hasn't been happy. Been talking to this ow at work for about a year. Just recently got physical. Now he's leaving me and his 3 kids. Moving right in with her and her 6. My kids are a mess. Im a mess. Loved him with all i had. I wonder what kind of person she is to sleep with a married man with kids and let him move in so soiin. Im sure he's feeding her a bunch of crap but still. Just don't get it.

[imtooconfused]

I have to caution you that if he exhibits this behavior with his wife, he will probably repeat this behavior in the future. I am going to flat out say be careful.

 

Having said that, I do feel the need to share that me and my spouse have been emotionally "estranged" for close to 5 years. It would be difficult to envision lingering feelings with her. We stay married (and cordial) for the family. It's extremely difficult to meet new people and not develop feelings for others.

[CarrieT]

However, many of us here heartily recommend getting involved with married/separate people.

 

Brittany, I missed a word in this sentence... Many of us heartily recommend AGAINST getting involved with married/separated people!

 

Like I'mTooConfused stated, what he is doing to his wife now is something that could very easily happen to you.

[GuyInLimbo]

Brittany, RUN. You are involved with someone who clearly is emotionally immature. HE'S STILL MARRIED!! And, yeah, he's gonna do the same thing to you down the line. You need to extract yourself PERMANENTLY from this guy's world.

 

It's very abnormal for someone just to jump into something new (or even stable). I think it's pretty clear this guy hasn't figured out what he's all about. He wants to move way too fast. Get out now while you can. Please.

[Brittany2012]

I appreciate everyone's input on this. My boyfriend's behavior has definitely raised some red flags for me. I am kind of at a point where I give this a 50/50 chance of working out. Immediately becoming involved in a serious relationship while just starting a divorce process seems really odd to me. At the same time, I view his telling his family about us to be a positive, encouraging thing. He is very to himself about his private life and sharing this with his parents is a really big deal.

 

I feel like it's too soon to give up on what could become a great thing. Though in the meantime, while I figure it all out, I am definitely proceeding with caution.

[coaches24]

I appreciate everyone's input on this. My boyfriend's behavior has definitely raised some red flags for me. I am kind of at a point where I give this a 50/50 chance of working out. Immediately becoming involved in a serious relationship while just starting a divorce process seems really odd to me. At the same time, I view his telling his family about us to be a positive, encouraging thing. He is very to himself about his private life and sharing this with his parents is a really big deal.

 

I feel like it's too soon to give up on what could become a great thing. Though in the meantime, while I figure it all out, I am definitely proceeding with caution.

 

Im still married and in the middle trying to make things work but the D word is a big worry for me and I do think about what I will do if my wife does decide it's over. I can say after 7 years of marriage and 9 years together the thought of being alone scares me. I don't like the thought of it at my age and I think if I do get to that point I would be inclined to start looking for someone right away (yes even before the divorce became final).

 

Now that's my emotional response and likely would win out in that situation even though the logical side of me knows that any relationship I get into right away would likely be a rebound type situation and the odds of it working out long term would be slim as I don't know that I would be available emotionally to the new woman. It's not impossible for your relationship to work out however the odds say it's unlikely simply because he is still dealing with the breakup of his marriage (regardless of how the divorce came about and who initiated it he would still have some kind of moarning to go through and it will likely take time before he knows truly what he wants from you.

[Deerhunter]

His WIFE seems to still love him if she texted you. She may be trying everything she can to save her marriage. If he had a deployment or two for military service in a war zone, he could possibly have post tramatic stress disorder. Symptoms are similar to bipolar but very treatable. They push away the ones they love the most.

 

If they are BOTH truly unhappy and they want to divorce, then get divorced. Until then, I would stay away. If he won't try with her, do you really think he will try with you?

[Brittany2012]

Yeah I was a bit worried about dealing with his current spouse if she still has feelings for him. The last thing I need is for her to hassle me. Plus, she can sue me for alienation of affection--still a valid law in some states. I obviously don't want that headache and have told this guy to really be cautious about with whom he discusses our relationship until their divorce is final.

 

Where things stand right now, he says she accepts that they are divorcing and that they have sat down to divide up their things. I suppose that's progress.

 

He says that the marriage has been pretty bad for about a year and a half and they have lived basically as roommates since he returned from his deployments. He claims that she complained that he didn't contact her enough during his time away--which he said would have been impossible since he was on the front lines in combat. He also says that the war matured him a lot and when he returned home to his wife, she was like a kid--drinking a lot of beer, living a somewhat directionless, unambitious life with a simple job. He is all about bettering himself. Even at 26 he owns his own home and has a great job. He said his wife felt like a dependent. She would also consult her father about everything and he felt like he was married to her dad--that the dad would interfere in their marital life.

 

I think these are valid things, but I don't feel like I know the full story. He claims he does not have PTSD. I haven't seen him exhibit any unusual or alarming signs. His moods are very stable. He is rational, level headed. Though he does sleep with a loaded gun on his nightstand. I know PTSD symptoms can sometimes take years to surface though, so I could be in for a wild ride.

 

I think this is a tough situation because he says he has feelings for me that he's never felt toward anyone or experienced before. I don't think he's bull****ting me when he says this. And I genuinely feel the same way about him. Still, I'm nagged by all of these little red flags and struggle with figuring out how much to discuss with him at this point and how much to just keep to myself and wait to see how it all plays out.

[jf2good]

You can't judge a book by it's cover is the saying. There is no guarantee that the relationship will work out, but there is nothing saying it won't. Many people getting divorced despite the recommendations start a new relationship before ending the last. That is our human nature, some call it cheating. Sometimes cheating is for the obvious reasons, other times it is more complex.

 

If you had met this guy post divorce, I am willing to bet the odds of things working out and him having issues if any are about the same as now. Doesn't make the odds that great, but neither are the odds for any relationship, in fact they are very low.

 

The question is it normal to get into a new relationship right away. YES. The experts tell you it is wrong, but people do it anyway. Sure there are people who don't and find it difficult to start a new relationship post or pre divorce, but human nature is that most people do not want to be alone and find someone relatively quick. Out of the billions of people on this planet, we truly for the most part aren't that selective and are usually happy with the next one that comes along.

 

Best of luck no matter what you decide to do.

[Oberfeldwebel]

Take a very good look at his wife, as this is your future. If he is willing to cheat with you, he will cheat on you. He has already proven himself to be a liar and a cheat, I don't see why you don't think that you deserve better than this? Do yourself a favor and put this Barney back on the shelf and find a person more deserving of spending a lifetime with you.

[GuyInLimbo]

I appreciate everyone's input on this. My boyfriend's behavior has definitely raised some red flags for me. I am kind of at a point where I give this a 50/50 chance of working out. Immediately becoming involved in a serious relationship while just starting a divorce process seems really odd to me. At the same time, I view his telling his family about us to be a positive, encouraging thing. He is very to himself about his private life and sharing this with his parents is a really big deal.

 

I feel like it's too soon to give up on what could become a great thing. Though in the meantime, while I figure it all out, I am definitely proceeding with caution.

 

You're in denial. He's rushing things and he's not even divorced.