Does this decreases the chance of getting cheated on?

[Floride]

I've been dating my bf for a bit over a year now but early on, I told him that cheating is a deal-breaker (as well as any type of major disrespect) and something I would never forgive. He stated about feeling the same way about this too.

 

Then last month we were watching a Maury show regarding cheater and how they seek forgiveness. I told him ''You do know what my response would be right''?, to which he replied ''Yes, a kick to the curb, I would do the same thing too''. I ended with a ''Good, I'll never stand getting made a fool of''.

 

Those were the only two times the cheating subject was brought up and how I wouldn't be a forgiving woman if he does that. So if you let them know in advance that cheating = an immediate break up, I'm hoping they're get the message and not be stupid enough to still cheat and expect forgiveness right?

[carhill]

Ideally, that kind of conversation could be beneficial. However, life experience has taught that reality doesn't always match up with ideals. Especially if reality matches up with the general LS description of cheating. A lot of people match up but don't feel or realize they've met the description. The power of perception is strong. I know numerous MW's who've never had an affair, they think. If they think, is it true? I guess we each decide that for ourselves.

 

Anyway, you've had a meeting of the minds. I hope it sticks. Good luck.

[Floride]

It should work. If you cheat, then you should be expected to get kicked to the curb. I wouldn't blame him if the cheater was me and was told ''Go to hell''. I wouldn't waste time asking for forgiveness either and if the one getting cheated on gives second chance, then the cheater will now see him/her as a weak, spineless person.

[tbf]

Floride, not sure if you've ever peered into the mind of a cheater but they rarely believe they'll get caught. If you've expressed an anti-cheating mentality, someone with a cheating mentality will just be more discreet.

[Floride]

Floride, not sure if you've ever peered into the mind of a cheater but they rarely believe they'll get caught.

Hence, why cheating is stupid from the beginning. Sooner or later they get caught and that's when most start telling a tearful story. If they've expressed remorse and promises of never doing it again, then an ''I'm sorry for being a truly selfish person and being stupid enough not to hide it too way'' is better than an ''I'm sorry, it meant nothing, you're the one...yada, yada..

If you've expressed an anti-cheating mentality, someone with a cheating mentality will just be more discreet.

I'll give them 1 point for at least not being dumb enough to leave obvious evidence such as an open inbox, cheating at home, leaving their cellphone with romantic messages, etc.

But overall, they're still losers.

[Cutiepie1976]

What matters is making sure that you pick a partner who has integrity, is honest, can be trusted, and shares your values.

 

What would you expect a liar to say in those two scenarios? Do you think he would care what you threaten? Of course not. Cheaters think they can outsmart you so they exploit your trust and naivete.

 

Imagine if I said to a thief, "I'm not going to talk to you again if you rob me." Effective deterrent? Or he's silently laughing at my threat?

 

Focus on your partner's character, not your threats. Your verbal threats aren't going to frighten the dishonest into suddenly doing the right thing or deter him when faced with an enticing opportunity.

 

What prompted you to broach the topic of cheating with your boyfriend? Do you not trust him?

[Floride]

What prompted you to broach the topic of cheating with your boyfriend? Do you not trust him?

I do but it's also good to lay out the boundaries early on. Another reason is I'm sick of tire of seeing more women taking back a cheating man, thus accepting crappy behavior. Unlike most men, they don't put up with cheating as much as women tend to do.

 

Overall, men are more logical and rational in that area. I give them credits for not tolerating getting taken for a fool as it should be.

Edited June 3, 2013 by Floride

[tbf]

I do but it's also good to lay out the boundaries early on.

Boundaries are a good thing but this one's pretty obvious, as long as you had the initial discussion surrounding an exclusive relationship.

 

Harping on cheating won't be a deterrent for cheating. What it will do is to make you appear distrustful and insecure.

[jphcbpa]

It think it was/is a good conversation to have for couples. People have different ideas of what cheating is and what forms it takes. Being on the same page on expectations never hurts.

[youngnlove89]

I've had this discussion also. It is a deal breaker. I've been with a cheater before and I know that it ruins everything once they committed the act. There is no going back after that, even if it hurts.

 

BUT, if anything I agree that if they do cheat, they will just be more discreet about it. Cheaters are good liars. They don't want you to know what they are doing behind your back. They will work extra hard to hide it. I know this because it took me awhile to catch my ex ex, and my dad hid it for a year.

 

That's why you just have to be able to trust your partner. I know I have trust issues since I've been cheated on before and since my dad is a cheater, but I really do trust my bf. I have my moments of jealousy and wondering if he really is hanging out with his guy friends. But it's just because of my trust issues. I know this.

 

But wondering, thinking, accusing and not being able to trust can ruin a relationship even if there is no cheating going on. So be careful. Trust your partner until he proves otherwise. That's all you can do.

 

So make your stance...this is what I don't like x, y, z. For example, I think cuddling, flirting, sending pictures, and sex are cheating. Ass-out hugs, fine. But nothing more. He knows where I stand. I know where he stands. We know each other's deal breakers.

Edited June 4, 2013 by youngnlove89

[salparadise]

What matters is making sure that you pick a partner who has integrity, is honest, can be trusted, and shares your values.

 

 

^^^ Ding ding ding!

 

Those whose motivation to conform is based in avoidance of consequences are pre-conventional, the lowest form of ethics from a developmental perspective. If they're relatively confident they won't get caught, all bets are off. Choose someone who does the right thing simply because it's the right thing to do and you'll be able to watch the Maury show without having to remind him.

 

I like the ones where a woman, acting all high and mighty, brings in three guys for DNA tests to determine which one is the father... they're all scared to death, the drama builds... Maury reads the results one at a time, and proves... it's none of the three! Hilarious!

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I've been dating my bf for a bit over a year now but early on, I told him that cheating is a deal-breaker (as well as any type of major disrespect) and something I would never forgive. He stated about feeling the same way about this too.

 

Then last month we were watching a Maury show regarding cheater and how they seek forgiveness. I told him ''You do know what my response would be right''?, to which he replied ''Yes, a kick to the curb, I would do the same thing too''. I ended with a ''Good, I'll never stand getting made a fool of''.

 

Those were the only two times the cheating subject was brought up and how I wouldn't be a forgiving woman if he does that. So if you let them know in advance that cheating = an immediate break up, I'm hoping they're get the message and not be stupid enough to still cheat and expect forgiveness right?

 

 

Does this decrease the chance of getting cheated on?

 

 

 

In answer to your main question, I think not.

 

The reason is that two people who already have that "deal-breaker" status as a shared standard are already among those least likely to cheat.

 

And besides, there is nobody who begins a relationship by assuring: "if you cheat, I will sulk for three weeks, withhold sex for three months (or seven years), start drinking (again), and run to your parents' house crying at 4:25 in the morning, but I will resume our relationship under the guise of trying again, and knowing that everybody makes mistakes".

 

 

A great indicator about whether your partner might cheat is to learn whether there was any cheating prominent in his/her upbringing, and/or in his/her previous relationships. Those who have never been around cheating are most likely to adopt and stick with the stern standard you mention.

 

The others may say as much, but are least inclined to stick to their guns that way.

[noble]

I dont know if being upfront about cheating being a dealbreaker is a good thing.

For example, me and my bf have been together about 5 years. As far as I know he's never cheated, and I know I never have. I trust him, and he says that if he ever did cheat he would feel so guilty even looking at me that he wouldnt be able to keep in quiet..

Because of this sentiment I've told him.."you know sweetie, if anything ever did happen, and you came out truthfully and told me I would try to forgive you and move on"... even though if he ever did tell me, I dont know if I'd be able to get over it.

But I think that telling my boyfriend I would consider forgiving him is going to make it more likely that he would tell me, as opposed to saying "if you ever cheat on me we are over" because then he definitely wouldnt tell me.

Whether I would forgive him or not I can't really say right now.. But I think it's better to sort of address the situation by telling him that his honesty would at least buy him a consideration.

Cause if he does cheat, and he thinks I'll dump him, then he never will be honest and Ill just never find out..

but..I try not to obsess over thoughts like these because I don't feel that he has cheated or will..

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Wow, Noble, that was a very good point!!!

[sayyes19]

I dont know if being upfront about cheating being a dealbreaker is a good thing.

For example, me and my bf have been together about 5 years. As far as I know he's never cheated, and I know I never have. I trust him, and he says that if he ever did cheat he would feel so guilty even looking at me that he wouldnt be able to keep in quiet..

Because of this sentiment I've told him.."you know sweetie, if anything ever did happen, and you came out truthfully and told me I would try to forgive you and move on"... even though if he ever did tell me, I dont know if I'd be able to get over it.

But I think that telling my boyfriend I would consider forgiving him is going to make it more likely that he would tell me, as opposed to saying "if you ever cheat on me we are over" because then he definitely wouldnt tell me.

Whether I would forgive him or not I can't really say right now.. But I think it's better to sort of address the situation by telling him that his honesty would at least buy him a consideration.

Cause if he does cheat, and he thinks I'll dump him, then he never will be honest and Ill just never find out..

but..I try not to obsess over thoughts like these because I don't feel that he has cheated or will..

That's a good point. I cheated on my first long term girlfriend. I was a ****ty person back then, but because she said she'd dump me if I did I kept it from her for a long time and she was made a fool of. We are casually friends now years later, but I still apologize sometimes for what an ass I was back in college.

[BetrayedH]

I would agree with Noble. By virtue of being exclusive, you've made it clear that your expectation is to be exclusive. It's known to be a dealbreaker. If anything, by announcing your hard-line view, you've just made it less likely that he would confess and more likely that he would keep it further underground.

 

Things to watch out for:

 

(1) Severe conflict-avoidance

(2) An overdeveloped sense of entitlement

(3) An excessive need for external validation

 

Or, of course, a combination of these. Add in a little life stress & an opportunity and the coping mechanism rears its ugly head.

[pteromom]

So if you let them know in advance that cheating = an immediate break up, I'm hoping they're get the message and not be stupid enough to still cheat and expect forgiveness right?

 

The problem with this thinking is that you assume that the other person has the same values, morals, and way of thinking that you do.

 

If the person has a personality disorder, is immature, is selfish, is impulsive, when the opportunity to cheat comes up, they don't think "Oh, remember? My BF/GF will leave me if I do this." They don't consider the consequences at all. For some narcissists, it's actually a game - to see how much they can do without getting caught. They consider it a "win" against you if they cheat.

 

So - what Cutiepie said. Choose a partner who has integrity. Choose someone whose idea of a successful relationship is one in which both of you are happy and accepting of each other. Choose someone who has positive relationships and a healthy outlook on life. THAT will reduce your odds of being cheated on.