Not wanting to be the "other woman"

[crowdreamer]

I met the perfect guy for me and he's married. I contacted him from an internet site that was not about dating. He quickly told me he was married, but we continued to talk and found that we had a lot in common. I was cautious and told him I did not want to be "the other woman", having been through that once before years ago and swearing it would never happen again (it gets to be awfully lonely). He had no plans to leave his wife immediately when we first met, but after getting to know each other and meeting in person a couple of times he began to talk about leaving her. He said he had only been staying with her for his son, and because he was afraid he wouldn't be able to make it financially because she has practically bankrupted them, writing bad checks over the years and putting them in debt for $60,000 against their house.

 

He is now, after a month of knowing me, ready to start working on a divorce. He's seeing a divorce attorney tomorrow. He has not moved out yet and has not told her in so many words that he is divorcing her, although she suggested he leave after he told her he was only staying for the kid (last week). He says I treat him better than he's ever been treated and he absolutely loves being with me.

 

Good for me, right? I am still very cautious about all this, because I can foresee a situation where I fall in love with him and he doesn't grow the balls to actually leave her. So far I have been trying to take precautions to prevent that from happening--I told him no sex until, at the very least, he files the papers, and he is not allowed to move in with me either. I am not getting involved in the divorce at all even though I am a divorce attorney (ironic, eh?). But it is getting very difficult to stay away from sex--we have already made out on several occassions and our hormones are raging. I've been trying to keep us in public places so we wouldn't go all the way. I don't know how much longer I can hold out.

 

And really, what difference does it make at this point anyway? I am falling for him quick, and I may fall in love even without the sex, and then I'd be hurt just as bad as if I waited. The only benefit I can see to waiting is that he may get motivated to actually leave her if he still has to wait for "that one thing". But then, wouldn't he be tempted to go right back to her after he started getting it from me?

 

I like to think he is different from the other men I've heard about, that he really is leaving because the time is right and won't go back. I know when I left my ex I did not go back to him, which is different than what most people do. So he could be different. I don't know, the whole thing is driving me nuts.

 

The other thing is, how much space do I need to give him while he's leaving her? I'm afraid if he rushes into something new right away (which he's already doing), he's going to skip right through the grieving and introspection stage and it's going to cause problems with us.

 

But I don't want to leave him entirely because he is just such a great guy and I really think we're meant to be together, as long as he can really go through with it.

 

I hate the thought of having to wait through all that garbage and not getting to see him while he's divorcing.

 

I am so confused. I have nobody to talk about these things with.

 

crowdreamer

[whichwayisup]

I would not see him on a romantic level AT ALL until those papers are signed and he's moved out. Even once he is moved out he is definately not ready to jump into another relationship so fast. I'm glad you are aware of that. Probably why most don't workout because it's out of one relationship and right into another. People need time between relationships to heal (and he will need to heal either way, no matter what he tells you he still loves her because they have a child together.) so I wouldn't have any sex until then...I know easier said than done, but it's your heart that is going to be hurt. Continue going out, movies etc, but just no sleepovers!!

 

Right now you have control over this situation. You knew going in the risks, knowing he was married and the full situation yet you still continued a relationship with him.

 

If you really do love him, then wait for him. He will always have that baggage, an x wife, a child...They will always be part of eachother's lives in one way or another so keep that in mind.

 

Good luck and keep on posting!!

[Merin]

If he hasn't told her he is divorcing her (he told her in so many words? whats wrong with I want a divorce?) and he still lives with her (I'm sure they sleep in different rooms though right? ) then the bottom line is...

 

HE IS MARRIED.

 

Until he IS divorced, then he is MARRIED.

 

Regardless of how much he says he loves you or loves being with you.. He is STILL married.

 

So unless or until there comes a time when he isn't saying "in so many words" but is being very direct in his talks with her, like "I want a divorce" then follows throught with it..

 

Best thing is to NOT allow yourself to get anymore involved in this.. and if he means what he is telling you then I guess he will be inspired to do the right thing for everyone and follow through.

[crowdreamer]

 

He went to see a divorce attorney today, someone who is a personal friend of his. They talked for 2 hours and the papers are being prepared. She could be served as early as next week. Meanwhile, he is busy looking for an apartment and trying to find a day job (working the night shift won't help his custody case).

 

I've never seen a man move this quickly to get out of his marriage. He was originally talking about waiting until after his son's b-day (Nov. 11) to move out but has changed his mind and is moving out as soon as he can find a place he can afford. He is having a realtor come out tomorrow to see about putting the house up for sale (time is of the essence here, the longer they keep the house, the more debt she runs up on it without him knowing--they are close to foreclosure at this point). He has not told her yet but wants to wait until the papers are ready.

 

I was feeling anxious yesterday so he reassured me that there was no way in h*ll he was going to go back to her--he met who he was looking for in me and is ready to relieve himself of the misery he's been in.

 

Meanwhile, I've been good. Not completely, but I'm trying... The sexual tension between us was so high that I thought I was going to cave in for sure Tuesday night. We went to a park, and made out for hours and I let him touch me a little. After that, the sexual tension was relieved to some extent and I don't feel so urgent about it any more. I'm going to avoid anyplace real private for the time being.

 

I don't know if I can hold out until he is completely divorced...I mean, what if she gets an attorney and tries to drag this thing out for years? I am an attorney who has handled divorce cases before--I see how one person can make the whole thing drag out forever.

 

But I will definitely wait until he's moved out and the papers are served.

 

I know a lot of people have heard all this before and are probably thinking, "Yeah right, he's not leaving." But he just told me Friday he wanted to leave her and it's less than a week later and he's already taken HUGE steps to make it happen.

 

Does anyone know of any success stories? All I ever hear about are the failures.

[whichwayisup]

I do wish you all the best. Sounds like he is doing some serious movement on the D.

 

Glad you guys are taking it slow, hard or not (no pun intended, but hey, it's funny), it will be worth it!! For both of your sakes.

[supermom]

That's good he's taking those steps quickly - almost seems like it will work.

 

Holding out on sex until papers are filed is a good idea.

 

Good luck in this and watch out for your heart!

[SoleMate]

There's something weird about this - your mutual lust is driving the divorce decision?

 

And he's been staying because she built up so much debt???? That would be a reason to leave, wouldn't it?

 

How long are you planning to keep him around before you dump him?

[veronese]

Baby. I have a suspicion he's giving you a line. Maybe I'm wrong but you can easily find out.

 

Take a step back for now.

 

If he's leaving a marriage he's going to need to give it a huge amount of time, energy and emotion to get through the process. While he's doing this you can keep a very respectful, supportive distance which he should be grateful for.

 

Everything you know to date are facts he has told you, the most telling of which is that as yet, his wife is completely unaware that her husband is receiving legal advice to commence divorce proceedings while at the same time becoming involved and intimately acquainted with, by the sounds of it, a very nice, slightly naive lady.

 

The proof in the pudding is in the eating, so until the wife knows his attentions are in your direction, he is behaving like the stereotypical, opportunistic, two-timing wanker of a man who basically 'wants his cake and eats it'.

 

Your resistance to succumb to the obvious temptation of his body is admirable, it's probably the reason you've retained his interest for so long. We all like a challenge and you are his. His persistence will continue unabated until he achieves his goal - be aware honey that his goal may not actually be the same as yours.

 

I hope what I've said doesn't come over as a pile of cynicism because I admit, it may well be. Maybe this is going to turn out to be true love. Maybe he is your knight in shining armor. Maybe his feelings for you are as real and true as yours are for his.

 

Having lived in a rose colored world until 6 months ago, who the hell am I to comment? I have been living in a different zone to many other people and only now having to learn about a new world, a new culture, an alien lifestyle.

 

Keep in touch and let us know how it turns out. Be strong in your convictions, protect your heart. If you two are really meant for each other then letting him leave his marriage first with dignity, grace and kindness is essential.

 

Take care

[cateinaus]

Yeh yeh, sure sure.....he is leaving his wife now, after meeting you?! What was wrong with him getting off his butt himself for HIMSELF and leaving her B4 you came along??? Hmmmm??? It's not all bad, or he wouldn't have been there still. And the way you found him is the way you'll lose him.

[hurtinheart]

he is telling u what u want to hear and ur loving it!!!! you'll always be the other woman!!!!their are 2 sides to every story!!!i am sure he helped write some of those checks!!!well u will end up hurt in the end but u will deserve it not to be so blunt or rude but ur breaking up a marriage!!!! if he was a REAL man he would leave her get a divorce then pursue other women!!!!always remember how u met him cause i am sure ur not the first he met on line and won't be the last!!! what makes u think he won't cheat on you?????? HIS POOR WIFE AND CHILD!!!! homewreckers can't stand 'em!!!

[overseas2004]

You are a divorce attorney and you are doing this to yourself. Oh for Christs sake... are you out of your mind.

 

Even if he is telling the truth you know how these things can backfire?? You are on the front lines and you know that most men dont leave their wives and especially if they have kids. What are you going to do if six months down teh line it just pops into his head that "oh I love her after all and I want to go back" OR "I miss my kid too da** much and I am going back to be with him even though I dont love her"????

 

Good luck

 

Overseas2004

[crowdreamer]

Overseas, I have worried about exactly what you said, that he will go back because of the child. I guess I should tell you all why he HAS stayed for so long. He stayed because he loves his little boy, and couldn't imagine he would be any happier being a part-time dad if he had to live by himself. I know it's not a good reason. He knows it too now. All along he had this fantasy he would meet his dream girl and he would have an excuse to leave the marriage. Now that's happened, and he's realizing it's not so easy as he imagined it to be.

 

I am not a fool. I told him right up front I was not willing to be "the other woman". I have expressed my concerns to him and told him I would not be here 6 months from now if he was still with his wife. And I know I can hold to that--I did it once before.

 

You all assume he is like "your man", but I have seen one exception to the "they never leave" rule--me. When I was married, I met "the other man" (who was also married) and we ended up having an affair even though I didn't plan on it happening. I was younger then and more naive. But it was enough to get me off my butt and leave my husband. I was gone within a couple of months.

 

I can read character pretty well--I am not taken in by the suave, charming type, and he is no prince charming. He did not think he would find anything better if he left, so he figured he'd stay and at least get to see his kid. He is not arrogant, he is not mr. cassanova, he is a sweet gentle man and has not fought me on anything. He's let me set my own pace. Meanwhile, after the very first kiss, he said he knew, it was time to leave. He finally realized that there was something better out there. We have discussed it and we don't hold any illusions about the future, we may not make it in the long run. But at least he knows that there are other possibilities now. It's the same thing I learned when I left my marriage after finding another man.

 

As for "breaking up the family", there was no family. I know he contributed to the problems but his contribution was to not be demanding enough when she went behind his back and wrote checks out of *CLOSED* bank accounts. He did not do that, she did. His problem is that he did not insist on watching her actions more closely.

 

Meanwhile, he told me today he got into a major huge blow-out fight with her last night and almost took his stuff and left. He almost told her. So why would he wait? Because, and I can say this from my experience in this business, it gives him an extreme advantage to be the first to file the papers, to not give her time to think about how she can get the best of him. If he can arrange it all so that he has a place to live and a good job lined up even before the divorce is started, he has a better chance at getting custody. Personally, I don't think he's going to be able to wait that long--he's ready to leave NOW and is tired of fighting with her.

 

I see one major difference between him and the other men described on these sites--mine did not want to be in the marriage. He was sick of his wife and almost left her many times before he met me. They were separated once before. And once he met me, he began the divorce proceedings right away. Like I said, it's been less than a month.

 

So, I hope I am right and you all are just biased based on your own experiences. If I'm wrong--I'll learn pretty soon and I'll live with it but I'll move on in the next few months. It won't be easy but I'll still have my whole life ahead of me.

[crowdreamer]

Veronese, you brought up the fact he has not told his wife about me yet. That was my doing. He said he was just dying to tell her about me, but I suggested he get the divorce going first, because if her told her about me the focus would be on "him cheating" (even though we have not had sex yet) and it could become a lot more contentious. I am hoping that she will just agree to custody and it will be a quick divorce, but if she knows there is another woman out there lurking she may fight even harder.

 

Maybe I'm wrong, it's just a feeling.

[crowdreamer]

Originally posted by SoleMate

There's something weird about this

 

And he's been staying because she built up so much debt???? That would be a reason to leave, wouldn't it?

 

 

Actually, that's not the main reason he stayed, but it was a contributing factor. Ten years ago he owned his house outright, and then his wife kept writing bad checks and put them in debt, so they had to borrow money against the house. He kept thinking they could pay down the debt, but instead it kept going up with each new check she wrote behind his back. The mortgage is now up to $60,000. About a year and half ago, he began talking to his buddies about leaving her because of the bad-check writing (and not feeling appreciated and not sleeping with her for 10 years), but he was worried that he would not make enough money on his own to support himself and his son--the ironic thing is they both make a decent amount of money, when put together!

 

It has finally gotten to the point where he has a choice, sell the house or risk it being foreclosed on because she continues, to this day, to write bad checks. He has taken them away from her, but she finds old boxes of them and writes checks out of closed accounts (which is a double felony). Just yesterday, he found out she had ordered *more* checks from *his* account without telling him (he got separate accounts sometime ago because of her actions). She steals his debit card and takes money out. Meanwhile they are two months behind on their mortgage again.

 

It has gotten to the point where he has to take action or risk the entire family going homeless.

 

I think there is more he could have done to prevent her from getting away with all this. But she obviously has a problem. She went for counseling a couple of years ago and stopped writing checks for a while, but then started up again. Now he is at his wits end. I honestly think he would have left her anyway, but meeting me was like the proverbial final straw.

[SoleMate]

OK, crowdreamer, you've convinced me that if anyone can pull this off, it'll be you.

 

The statement "They never leave" refers to married men, not married women. Lots of married women leave for the OM, or at around the same time as the OM appears on the radar screen. The reason is that men have a much higher tolerance for living in a crummy marriage than women do, plus possible a keener awareness of how much they'll be paying to support two households.

 

As far as his wife fighting to keep him, or the kid...doesn't he have a major weapon to wave over her head, that she has written all these bad checks? Doesn't he need a good lawyer to help him start a civil suit against his wife for fraud and forgery? That could then be dropped as part of a divorce settlement. He could be sitting very pretty indeed.

[crowdreamer]

Thanks for the vote of confidence, soulmate. Yes, that was my thinking exactly--that he could use the forged checks against her in the custody battle...BUT if he were to bring me out and wave me around, she would have ammo against him and they would be on equal footing (i.e. she commits forgery but he cheats). Which is exactly why I won't have sex with him and why I don't want him telling his wife about me. He said after last night's fight he wanted to so bad, but held out. He also has not told his family about me, knowing it might get around to his wife. The only people he's told have been close friends and co-workers.

 

Yes, he should definitely have a good attorney, and he does. He went to see a local attorney I know well, someone who has been practicing family law around here for many years. It is also someone MM is friends with. The good thing is, MM used to work in the court clerk's office for the family law division, so he knows all the attorneys, judges, clerks and such in town (our city is about 350,000 people, small enough to where connections can affect an outcome). So hopefully he will be able to pull this off to his advantage.

[cateinaus]

All along he had this fantasy he would meet his dream girl and he would have an excuse to leave the marriage.

Couldn't get off his fat backside and do it himself. What strength, what character.

 

his wife kept writing bad checks and put them in debt, so they had to borrow money against the house. He kept thinking they could pay

He would have written them too.

 

Like I said, it's been less than a month.

No need to comment here.

 

 

He did not think he would find anything better if he left, so he figured he'd stay and at least get to see his kid.

Wow, not into using people is he. I s'pose he does his own washing, cooking, ironing and cleaning.......and while he is there he may as well have sex too. Don't give me this 'he hasn't slept with her in 2 years or months' crap. His wife may be unhappy too and how about freeing her up so as she can find someone with a spine. Guess he didn't think about HER.

 

because if her told her about me the focus would be on "him cheating" (even though we have not had sex yet)

You ARE cheating.

 

The people who put their posts on here are not trying to have a crack at you, but they can see the 'whole picture' and are I guess trying to help you get a grip on planet earth. Sorry for being so blunt, but a spade is a spade. Your posts have so many holes in them. It's easy to see you have your head in the clouds and fair enough, you say you love him or whatever, but for goodness sakes girl, try to see it for what it is. I can see this guy saying the same things about you one day to someone else that is willing to be his scapegoat.

I wish you luck!

[crowdreamer]

I'm not going to comment much on your post, cateinaus, as it is really not helpful at all to just say to me, "He's just an @sshole" and "You're just a fool." Perhaps you are projecting your own sorry story onto my situation, in a feeble attempt to feel superior. Obviously you are no better off, or you would not be here... I'm going to stop trying to "defend him" because obviously, just the fact that he is seeing someone else while married makes him a bad person to some. If he had left her because of her criminal behavior (writing checks on closed accounts is a FELONY!), and then met me, somehow that makes him into an instant honest man. I prefer not to be so judgmental, as I had an affair myself once...for the same reasons.

 

Anyway--Friday night he got into another major fight with his wife, over the fact that she called HIS separate bank behind his back and ordered more checks for herself. He told her he had had enough and wanted the marriage to be OVER. We went out that night...went to the cash machine to get some money and yep, his bank account was empty. He had had $150 in it, but she took his debit card while he wasn't watching again and wiped it out. He told me it would be different if she just TOLD him she needed money, but she goes behind his back.

 

So yesterday, he sat her down and talked to her about ending the marriage. She was upset but agreeable. She did not beg him to stay or ask him to reconsider. They talked about how they were going to handle custody, and she was agreeable to him having full custody with her getting to see her son anytime she wants to. They decided to make a list of the stuff they want from the house, and to go over it together and make decisons on how to split it. She is going to move into her mother's house, and they are going to sell the house. They are going to tell their son about the divorce together.

 

Doesn't sound like someone who is trying to have his cake and eat it too.

 

I love everything about this guy right now. He is one of the few men who has been willing to openly communicate with me about everything, even the hard stuff, without being evasive or defensive. I have been very cautious and doubtful up til now, but now I feel like I am on top of the world.

[whichwayisup]

Wow, I can't believe she wiped out his account. That's horrible!

 

Anyways, it does sound like he's had enough and moving on.

 

Glad you're happy but still keep the guard up just a little bit. He sounds like he's been good for you.

 

All the best.

[cateinaus]

Did I call you a fool? I must have missed that somewhere.

 

I'm really not sure how old you are but surely you must have seen guys that will tell a woman what she wants to hear.......anyway, I'm glad for you that he IS actually doing something about his situation and that the divorce issue etc is being settled. (different than the other day- he was just talking about it and hadn't made any moves to do it yet).

I wished you luck b4 and I do again. I also agree with whichwayisup- keep your guard up a little.

[cateinaus]

I just had another look at your last post........very snakey! No need for that, I did explain to you that people are NOT trying to have a crack at you, but trying to see the situation as you project it and from there they are trying to ascertain what they think is really going on. THEN, they take the time to reply with YOUR best interests in mind. I think most people on here give a toss about the others and want to help EVEN if that means being blunt.....sometimes we need that too! If you are only here to get the 'OK' comments from people then you shouldn't post. Not everyone is going to agree with EVERYTHING. BTW I don't care if he is having an affair or not, it's not up to me to say if it's right or wrong and he isn't affecting me!

[immoralist]

The lightening speed in which this extra-marital drama is unfolding gives me pause.

 

After only one month of lust your MM was willing to discard wife and child? That's too fast. Right now, your MM is a mess inside regardless of how rational he might appear on the outside. His affectional life is in a major upheaval and I hope that, when the dust clears, your MM will still commit to you, and not move on to the Single Life.

 

The possibility exists that you're his ticket out of a marriage that burdens him. You're his exit strategy. You will end up being his midwife to a new, fun bachelor life; not the new wife

 

Once he becomes unencumbered from wife and child, you may lose your allure to him. He might want to play the field rather than move from one encumbered relationship into another.

 

He'll be a free man, and he'll have you to thank when he starts his dating frenzy.

 

I call this the "Kerry factor." In John Kerry's case, during his first marriage he had a lengthy affair with a Boston lawyer (who's now a judge). This OW kept waiting for the divorce. When it finally arrived, however, Kerry did not stay with his OW. Rather, he started dating Hollywood starlets. The OW was devastated.

 

The Moral: some OW are simply way stations and when the marriage ends so does the relationship with the ex-MM. Once the now ex-MM has thrown off the marital yoke, in large part because of his OW, all the OW gets is a thank-you note. The OW has created a bachelor, not found a husband: The law of unintended consequences.

 

Be careful.

[Nosmas]

Ya had to mention the "K" word didn't you?

 

Practically as enticing a thread weaver as "Penis."

 

Or are they one and the same?

 

Anyway, I don't think the MW has the timeline right. Her husband has had this planned for more than a month, probably MUCH longer.

 

Also I have to disagree to some extent with the comment from immoralist:

 

Once the now ex-MM has thrown off the marital yoke, in large part because of his OW, all the OW gets is a thank-you note. The OW has created a bachelor, not found a husband:

and claim that this may be law. If anything, it might be one paragraph of the entire statute, but it may be worth noting another paragraph: 21.016

 

"Once the now ex-MM has thrown off the marital yoke, in large part because of his WIFE, all the OW gets is a thank-you note. The wife has created a bachelor, and lost a husband"

 

Additionally it seems that a thank you note is often quite appropriate and acceptable to the receiving sympathetic party.

[immoralist]

If anything, it might be one paragraph of the entire statute, but it may be worth noting another paragraph: 21.016

 

"Once the now ex-MM has thrown off the marital yoke, in large part because of his WIFE, all the OW gets is a thank-you note. The wife has created a bachelor, and lost a husband"

 

I stand corrected, Nosmas!

[Fran_H]

Originally posted by crowdreamer

 

 

So yesterday, he sat her down and talked to her about ending the marriage. She was upset but agreeable. She did not beg him to stay or ask him to reconsider.

 

I love everything about this guy right now. He is one of the few men who has been willing to openly communicate with me about everything, even the hard stuff, without being evasive or defensive. I have been very cautious and doubtful up til now, but now I feel like I am on top of the world.

 

Crowdreamer

 

Can I just ask, how do you know all this drama is really happening? How do you know he has said this and she has said that? Are you just taking his word for it? Because believe me they will tell you ANYTHING to keep you where they want you. And right now he wants you waiting in the wings for him just incase his marriage goes tits up.

 

If he is that serious about you, if you really are the woman of his dreams, get him to shout it from the highest hill - I love this woman! But he won't do that. And you can say its because of divorce, child, this, that, whatever. You are making excuses for him. If he loved you and his marriage was over he would leave. He would leave now. Tonight.

 

And you should not attack people giving you advice and say they are just trying to feel superior, or that they have a 'sorry situation' because you asked for advice, thats why you are here. You must have a shed load of doubt about this guy, or you would not be here looking for answers.

 

All I can say is your situation sounds alot like mine. You think you have found a good one and you'll hang on and fight tooth and nail to keep him. You'll see all the warning signs, and we are pointing a few out for you, but you'll choose to ignore them for a while. But one day you won't be able to ignore them anymore. You'll wake up and think 'what the hell was I thinking'. I hope you prove me wrong, but somehow I don't think so.