Not wanting to be the "other woman"

[Paradise]

Originally posted by crowdreamer

He is now, after a month of knowing me, ready to start working on a divorce. He's seeing a divorce attorney tomorrow. He has not moved out yet and has not told her in so many words that he is divorcing her, although she suggested he leave after he told her he was only staying for the kid (last week). He says I treat him better than he's ever been treated and he absolutely loves being with me.

 

And really, what difference does it make at this point anyway? I am falling for him quick, and I may fall in love even without the sex, and then I'd be hurt just as bad as if I waited. The only benefit I can see to waiting is that he may get motivated to actually leave her if he still has to wait for "that one thing". But then, wouldn't he be tempted to go right back to her after he started getting it from me?

 

I hate the thought of having to wait through all that garbage and not getting to see him while he's divorcing.

 

crowdreamer

 

He sounds like he’s ready to end his marriage. You realize that divorce is a big thing for lot of people (for some it’s not a big thing, I know). So, he may some way try to saves his marriage, at least for the kid’s sake. It doesn’t matter however, it’s how you feel about this guy that really matters. I don’t condemn having an affair with a married man, although it’s not my style so by you telling him he need to file for a divorce is a good tactic.

You need to live today for today. If you love this guy and if you want to have any future with him then stay with him, but understand that there is a chance that things might not work out just like in any other kind of relationship (with or without being a OW). Just don’t let yourself get in too deep, before you cannot pull yourself out.

[cateinaus]

And you should not attack people giving you advice and say they are just trying to feel superior, or that they have a 'sorry situation' because you asked for advice, thats why you are here.

 

 

Cheers Fran!

[crowdreamer]

Originally posted by Fran_H

Crowdreamer

 

Can I just ask, how do you know all this drama is really happening? How do you know he has said this and she has said that? Are you just taking his word for it? Because believe me they will tell you ANYTHING to keep you where they want you. And right now he wants you waiting in the wings for him just incase his marriage goes tits up.

 

If he is that serious about you, if you really are the woman of his dreams, get him to shout it from the highest hill - I love this woman! But he won't do that. And you can say its because of divorce, child, this, that, whatever. You are making excuses for him. If he loved you and his marriage was over he would leave. He would leave now. Tonight.

 

And you should not attack people giving you advice and say they are just trying to feel superior, or that they have a 'sorry situation' because you asked for advice, thats why you are here. You must have a shed load of doubt about this guy, or you would not be here looking for answers.

 

All I can say is your situation sounds alot like mine. You think you have found a good one and you'll hang on and fight tooth and nail to keep him. You'll see all the warning signs, and we are pointing a few out for you, but you'll choose to ignore them for a while. But one day you won't be able to ignore them anymore. You'll wake up and think 'what the hell was I thinking'. I hope you prove me wrong, but somehow I don't think so.

 

Well let me just first say that, I believe my original questions had to do with "When should I sleep with him?" and "What do I do after he's left his wife?" But most of the advice I keep getting is "He will never leave", "He is a jerk", and "He's playing you for a fool--you have your head up your @ss." Not in those exact words, but...

 

If you want to give advice, what would be helpful is, "Be careful, you still don't know if he's leaving for sure". What is not helpful is saying stuff like, "He must be writing bad checks too." If you make such harsh judgments about the man I love with absolutely no evidence or reason to give me for it, obviously I will get defensive, and I will not apologize for that.

 

The other thing that bugs the crap out of me right now is that I keep hearing, "Oh, he's leaving so soon, that's a bad sign", and then someone else will say, "Oh, he has not 'proclaimed his love for you on the highest hills yet', he's not really serious". And then, "Oh, he hasn't left yet, he will never leave." So instead of deciding based on your own experiences that he is or isn't going to do something or he is or isn't doing the right thing, and stating it as law, it would be more helpful for you to ask questions (like you did above) and maybe share your own stories of woe as examples of what could go wrong.

 

Yes, I do think I have the one man who is doing the right thing. And yes, I could be wrong. But I have strong feelings for him, please remember that before you wholeheartedly bash him for every little thing he does.

 

To address some of the things that were said, I think the marriage was over before I got there. He was looking for an excuse to get out. That's why he is leaving so quickly. But, it also takes TIME to move out of the marital house, and I don't see how he could do it any quicker. In three consecutive days, he 1) saw a divorce attorney, 2) told his wife he was leaving, and 3) sat down and talked to her about splitting up the property and custody. It takes more than one day to 1) find a place to live, for cheap, in your son's school district, 2) put a house up for sale, and 3) file divorce papers. It's been three days folks. Anyone who says he isn't moving fast enough has obviously never gotten a divorce.

 

Now, I would think that if he was lying to me about the fact that he told his wife, he would not sit there and tell me every detail about what was said in the conversation with her, for a half hour, but instead would want to avoid the topic and tell me "they talked about it" and drop it.

 

I am a 33-year old attorney. I have met snakes and liars and dirtbags (hell, I work with them!), and I know one when I see one. I am not some 18-year-old naive child who cannot tell when she's being lied to.

 

Perhaps he will go back to her, or take his time going through with it because of lingering doubts, or need space, or decide he wants to be "free" (although I doubt it cuz then why would he have stayed in a committed relationship for 24 years?). But one thing I know now, after these last couple of weeks--he is not playing me.

 

I guess that's another reason I got upset about cateinaus' post earlier--I feel like people are treating me like I'm an idiot or something. I have enough life experience with enough people to know better than to fall for dishonest characters. I guess what I really want is practical advice, not judgments.

[crowdreamer]

Paradise, I appreciate what you said, that makes sense to me. And Nosmas, I like what you said too, although I do feel like there are always two people at fault in the relationship. One may be more at fault than the other, however, both parties contribute to the problems.

 

I think my guy's "fault" was in giving her too many chances, and being naive enough to believe she would change. He is a very mild-mannered person, and I've seen his friends walk over him sometimes. I have a feeling she got away with too much, even if she wasn't meaning to cause him harm.

[cateinaus]

One person did call you a homewrecker but you didn't jump on it but yet when people are trying to give you honest advice you are going crazy!

No one is calling you a fool....I think that a lot of us saw smoke and thought there has to be fire.

Remember this......we are all here for each other, whether some give us a reality check or treat us with kid gloves doesn't matter as we could possibly do with both. But there is no reason to act like a cut snake. Like I said, people take the time to read your posts and then reply THINKING about you, not ATTACKING you.

If you think that people are out to attack you, then you need to address that issue of why you turn things around like that. What about the ones that have wished you luck- including myself???? You didn't zone it on that did you.......why.

[izzybelle]

i'm sorry that you've felt like your judgements have been attacked in some ways. some people can be harsh, believing that the difficult advise is what people don't want to hear. and sometimes that's the case. i think, based on what some of us have been through, we're just a little sensitive about what's happened.

 

i know when my MM ended things with me, i definitely questioned whether or not the "drama" he'd told me about was really happening. there were a few things that just seemed too coincidental. i too, thought i had found, the one who would make me happy forever, instead i ended up with the worst heartache that could have ever happened. and yes, it perhaps makes me read a little more than i should into situations that are similar, it's hard not to. i've heard some of the same things you did and was convinced his marriage was over, it wasn't. but..... then again, if he's already taken some steps ..... at least you have that. and yes, it does take time. it's not so easy to move out. i asked for a divorce and had wanted to stay in the house until my kids school year was done. my ex made staying unbearable, but then it was another month before i could find a suitable place to live. so yes, it all does take time.

 

but ... each situation and each person is different and only you will know what's the right path. and if for some reason it doesn't work out, then i'm sure you'll deal with that as well. i think for some, and perhaps i should just speak for myself, i know that the heatache from one of these experiences is unlike any other that you may experience (except perhaps for infidelity) and sometimes i think people are just trying to "save" others from going through what they have.

 

whatever you do, and you will know in your heart what you have to try, just be cautious. i'm not saying don't trust a word that comes out of his mouth just take care of yourself. you obviously know him better than any of us and although those here may offer advice, it is ultimately your choice to take it or dismiss it.

 

good luck and i sincerely do hope things work out for the best for everyone involved.

[crowdreamer]

Cateinaus, I have not been responding to every single post because if I did address every judgmental thing said, I would be on this computer 5 hours a day. Your remarks got to me because you said, "He is writing bad checks." This is not advice "for my own good", this is a judgment plain and simple. Remember, you are making accusations (based on NOTHING) about a man I care very much about.

 

Turn it around and see how you would feel.

 

I know everyone's a little sensitive because of their own experiences being hurt and all. I have been there before--several years ago I WAS very much the "other woman" and going through it as well. Back then, my MM was on the fence about leaving (and never did, never even took steps to do it), and experienced first-hand how hurtful that was. I can understand that everyone here's been through it, people believe their experiences may be the same as the ones they are reading. But there is a way to say it without making foregone conclusions about the whole thing. THAT is what I can't stand, and it does not feel helpful, and it is not advice.

 

Men do sometimes leave, and sometimes they end up with the OW, and sometimes they are happily married for years and years. I know, because there are other boards I have been on where the MM have gone all the way through the divorce. So every situation is different. Please remember that before making up your mind about my situation.

 

I appreciate those of you who have been able to give advice without being so harsh. Not every reply has been that way. I am just responding to those who have.

[guest]

Some things I would worry about here. The check writing, it could be that he is being honest and his wife is the one who wrote all the bad checks or it could be that he is partly responsible too in some way for the financial mess. You've only known him a couple of months or so, even less, one month. That is just not long enough to know what someone is truly like., and sexual feelings tied up with feelings of being in love can cloud anyone's judgement no matter what your experiences. The speed of it all: Anyone who falls in love and then instantly decides to get a divorce would make me nervous, I would think either they are crazy or they must have had this planned for a while and are now latching on to me to give them the strength to do it. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but it is something to think about.

 

I would take all of this very very slowly, back off and let him get his divorce, let him prove that he is actually going through with it. DON'T have sex with him whatever you do. Since you say you are a divorce lawyer I guess you know how this can affect the divorce. Get to know him better. It seems you don't really know him well enough to know if you are truly in love with him, and the same goes for him. If you met a single man, would you be thinking after one month that you were in love and ready to tie the knot? Good luck