Would you tell if it was over?

[JustBeenMe]

I'm relatively new here, and I have a somewhat sordid tale to my name, but the only part I'm battling with about ending things, it's over, NC achieved, all that, and I'm happy for it, I believe he was lying to me up until the last day, I'm not sure if it's relevant or not at this point, but would you tell his BS? Should I tell her?

What if the divorce did happen? What if he wasn't lying and this just complicates matters for him? I don't know why I care, I guess, I just wouldn't want to carry on loving someone that did that to me.

[JustBeenMe]

Why would you tell her?

What reasons do you have for telling her now, when you wouldn't tell her while you were involved?

 

What would you be gaining out of this, or what would be your motivation or what do you hope to achieve?

 

If you really feel she deserves to know then wouldn't you have felt that way during?

 

I was selfish during, for some of it I was blinded by his lies. I don't know, I guess I didn't want it to get ugly. He always told me she suspected, I know that was another lie now. I'm not sure if this makes any sense, and I know I'm no angel so I have zero right to try and get moralistic, but I think finding out just what kind of person he really is, how he would make me go there and spend time with them, him and BS, and feed me all the lies, I've really just recently discovered what a compulsive liar he is, and what kind of person he really is.

 

I'm not saying I'm any better, I know I'm just as wrong if not worse.

[Goodbye]

I'm relatively new here, and I have a somewhat sordid tale to my name, but the only part I'm battling with about ending things, it's over, NC achieved, all that, and I'm happy for it, I believe he was lying to me up until the last day, I'm not sure if it's relevant or not at this point, but would you tell his BS? Should I tell her?

What if the divorce did happen? What if he wasn't lying and this just complicates matters for him? I don't know why I care, I guess, I just wouldn't want to carry on loving someone that did that to me.

 

 

I've grappled with this myself. It sounds like your motivation would be revenge. From what I've read here, "outing" due to revenge doesn't usually help you in your healing...in fact it can compound it, make it harder.

 

What happened? I assume he lied to you about his plans to leave his wife?

[HonestNeurotic]

Let me preface my thoughts on the matter before I give them. i.e., I totally understand and recognize that I live outside of the box in this world for the most part. There is right and wrong to consider, but there is also how much is MY personal responsibility in the world.

 

I would not want to know. When I was in my first marriage - that lasted 17 years, 14 which were pretty great, 2 which were so-so, and the last was in name only as we were separated. I had this idea in my head that most men cheated and it was because they were not fulfilled in their sex lives with their wives. So I made damn sure that I was all that and then some in the bedroom. My ex was insatiable. Twice a day at minimum.

 

Still, I told him, and more than one time - "If you ever cheat on me, I don't want to know about it." Unless he had fallen in love with someone else, then he would of course have to go. But I didn't want to know. Because see, he took care of us, of our family. I was not denied any sex or money or time with our children. So if he just had some sex with someone else, I didn't need his guilt ridden confession having free rent inside my head. Because it didn't change all those other things - the fact that he had sex with someone else. At least - that was my thought patterns way back when.

 

Now - HE NEVER CHEATED. We had a very bitter separation and divorce, and he could have thrown that in my face (cuz he slung a lot of ca ca at me) so I know that to be true.

 

That said, I realize there are many women that DO want/need to know. But to me, if there was no dday, the dude/dudette says they need to work on the marriage whatever - I don't know that it's my place to say anything. Some people actually DO change - I know that I have quite immensely - especially after being single for some years.

 

I also don't hold sex and love in the same category. They CAN be, but for the most part are two entirely different things. It seems to me that the majority of women do not seem to separate those two things. Men lie and say "I love you" and they don't. Or people confuse lust with love. I dunno.

 

I do know that I would never tell the BS unless she ASKED me. I would not lie to her. But to go out of my way to tell her would be an act of meanness on my part - meant to hurt the MM, as I would be doing it to hurt him back. i.e., he's rejected ME, so now I want him to feel that rejection from his wife.

 

If someone HAD ever told me that my husband was sleeping with them, I would just be "so what?". I'm not going to be in some competition. I can't make someone love me, come home to me, live with me, support me. It truly is just SEX to me. I am currently remarried, in a virtuously sexless marriage, which is now an open marriage. But I still ensure that it avoids any and all interaction with our own castle here. Don't ask, don't tell, is how my husband prefers it.

 

IMHO ~ as always.

[who_am_i]

There are about 1846390 threads on LS with regard to telling the BS. Out of those threads there is not one where the answer is cut and dry...trust me, I've checked.

 

All I can say to you is this...

...you better have a real good reason for telling her! "Because I all the sudden feel bad" isn't gonna sound so genuine when those words are followed by "but...I love him".

 

Take it from someone who knows. At the beginning of all of this you will try to rationalize everything. I was doing elaborate equations in my head weighing each possibility and outcome. The WORST thing you could do is tell her with the hope that she is going to show him the door.

 

Don't talk yourself into doing something that logically doesn't make any sense. There is no expiration date on that information...

Edited June 3, 2013 by who_am_i

[2sure]

There are many reasons OW at least thinks about or does tell BS.

 

Revenge, jealousy , spite, need for drama, entitlement. religion.

Sympathy, empathy, decency, .

 

The end result of telling , regardless of OW's motive is that BS knows.

The end result for OW, regardless of her original motives? She did the right thing.

[Pjonstone]

It sounds as though some time has passed; that you're happy with that the relationship has ended and are working through what you need to work through.

So, I'm wondering what would be the motivation for saying something now to his wife. Do you think this would help her in some way now? It's quite likely he wasn't lying when he says his wife suspected - women have pretty good meters that way So now the A is over, he's likely returning to his normal routines with her, she's probably trying to work on things from her end. Isn't that what you'd want for him? That he focus his attention on his marriage and make it work if it's going to?

There may be reasons in some circumstances to inform the wife of an affair and that depends entirely on the situation, people involved, etc. etc. But just my HO, if it were me in this circumstance, I'd be just letting it go.

[mercy]

There are many reasons OW at least thinks about or does tell BS.

 

Revenge, jealousy , spite, need for drama, entitlement. religion.

Sympathy, empathy, decency, .

 

The end result of telling , regardless of OW's motive is that BS knows.

The end result for OW, regardless of her original motives? She did the right thing.

 

 

Exactly!

 

I was told in the most cruel of ways that could be told. BUT! At least I had the truth and truth is a precious gift.

[ComingInHot]

It didn't benefit your Selfish behavior to tell her while you were having intercourse w/her H. The Only ways it would benefit your selfish behavior now that he ended things w/you are to hope His W leaves him Or to try and make him "pay" for ending the A.

 

Tell His Wife because she deserves to know. Period. She didn't do anything to you or her H to have you both treat her like dirt.

 

As much pain as you will cause her by FINALLY doing Something honest (regardless of integrity lacking), she will have the TRUTH of her M, her H, You & her life.

[2sure]

Not every BW actually wants to know, but that's a thread of my own to start later after I finish working through my own thoughts on it this morning.

 

Agreed. I personally know people who have chosen to turn a blind eye from their spouse's affair for a variety of reasons that are valid to them.

But they know. If there is a mind F going on, its their choosing. It isnt crazy making if you know but choose to ignore or not believe. On the other hand - too many OW assume BS knows because it offers some comfort to them, and it just cant be assumed.