targaryen Posted June 3, 2013 Share Posted June 3, 2013 So, I've been absent from her for a while (actually participating a bit in the dating forum) but there's something that's been bothering me. Basically I've been four months NC and I'm still not totally over my ex who I spent four years with. The problem, I feel, is because I never let her know how badly her decision affected me. While she was breaking up with me I was simple like "Ok, i understand bye" and then cut off all ties. But now I really feel I can't move on until I show her that her decision had repercussions. So I wrote this email which I'm about to send but something's keeping me back. It's emotionally charged, and includes everything I want to say, but it's not angry or sad, more like "I'm closing this book" kind of tone. There's just this nagging feeling that's whispering at me that it's a bad idea. Actually, I feel guilty because I'll stir up her emotions! So I guess I'm looking for a reason not to..beyond the usual NC stuff because I've done that and clearly it's not for me. I'm friends with all my exes so her choosing not to keep me in her life in any way shape or form really hits harder than it might normally. So yeah, I really want to send this email, but I also have this gut feeling it's not a good idea...without knowing why. So confused. Link to post Share on other sites
tinker683 Posted June 3, 2013 Share Posted June 3, 2013 Don't do it! You'll be horribly disappointed. It *WILL* not have the effect on you that you're hoping. What's going to happen is that she's not going to react the way you're going to want her too and it's going to invalidate your feelings and you will feel WORSE! Just let her go man. Yell, scream, do whatever you need to but do it alone. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
aisuru Posted June 3, 2013 Share Posted June 3, 2013 Don't do it. You won't get the response you seek. It's too much time gone by. This is why you are hesitating... You have to find your own closure. It's hard. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author targaryen Posted June 3, 2013 Author Share Posted June 3, 2013 I'm not hoping for a response though. In fact I'd rather she didn't (because that will prove the contents of the emali right)....I just want her to see it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author targaryen Posted June 3, 2013 Author Share Posted June 3, 2013 I think the strongest reason not to send it is that if it were the right thing to do I'd already have sent it...the fact that im doubt it shows that it's not a good idea... Link to post Share on other sites
youngnlove89 Posted June 3, 2013 Share Posted June 3, 2013 I think you should do it, but let me read it first. You don't want the email to sound needy, mean or weak. Make it a good email, since it will be the last. Don't worry about sending it right away, work on it until it's perfect. It can actually help you get to that final step: acceptance. As long as you hold no hope or expectations to that letter. Don't send it hoping to get a response, because you won't. Send it for you. Say everything you want to say. Then block her. Door shut. I did this once with an ex from awhile ago. It helped me get over that last hump. I wasn't mean. I wasn't weak. He didn't respond. I knew he wouldn't. But I said what I needed to say and then I was okay. It really helped me say the final goodbye. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted June 3, 2013 Share Posted June 3, 2013 So, I've been absent from her for a while (actually participating a bit in the dating forum) but there's something that's been bothering me. Basically I've been four months NC and I'm still not totally over my ex who I spent four years with. The problem, I feel, is because I never let her know how badly her decision affected me. While she was breaking up with me I was simple like "Ok, i understand bye" and then cut off all ties. But now I really feel I can't move on until I show her that her decision had repercussions. So I wrote this email which I'm about to send but something's keeping me back. It's emotionally charged, and includes everything I want to say, but it's not angry or sad, more like "I'm closing this book" kind of tone. There's just this nagging feeling that's whispering at me that it's a bad idea. Actually, I feel guilty because I'll stir up her emotions! So I guess I'm looking for a reason not to..beyond the usual NC stuff because I've done that and clearly it's not for me. I'm friends with all my exes so her choosing not to keep me in her life in any way shape or form really hits harder than it might normally. So yeah, I really want to send this email, but I also have this gut feeling it's not a good idea...without knowing why. So confused. I wrote a closure letter to my ex....last year some time......i told him i will always love him........that i needed him to know that......and that with writing that i could move on wherever my life will take me.....i will always love him...he gave me three daughters.........but as far as my love for him goes.......it exists in my children's eyes...he never loved me truly...and i deserve to find that kind of love.......for me.....and to give love to someone who is deserving of what i have closure letters are good...if you can forgive........and move on...that is what a closure letter is...its words that are said that allow you to find peace........they should never be mean or accusatory.......more healing and forgiving.........there is no peace, no form of closure in harsh words written or spoken...so if you write this closure letter...let the peace flow........and find that peace within....i still talk to him over the ohone...but my feelings for him have been dealt with.........and put to rest............i wish you luck and best wishes in your closure..deb 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SimonSerenade Posted June 3, 2013 Share Posted June 3, 2013 I'm gonna say.... Send it to her, I mean what's the worst that can happen?, haven't you already felt the worst, i feel it'll probably give her satisfaction she doesn't deserve though but if it eases the pain in your heart then let it out man but trust me, nothing she says will bring closure for you, her actions have spoken for her, her words won't mean jack no matter how nicely she gift wraps them for you, like a few have said, you find your own closure, you find it in acceptance and out of love and respect for yourself. I've probably told this story a thousand times but I'll tell it again, my last 2 long term exs just left, nothing said, no cushioning the blow, just flat out left, the first long term relationship i had was different, she broke up with me to my face, had one last coffee in our favourite coffee shop and had a nice chat to me then took me to the spot where we had our first picnic, it was sweet, she sat me down and put her arms around me and told me all I meant to her and how hard a decision it was to make to break up, she kissed me one last time, cried on my shoulder and put her hand to my face and told me how precious our time was. Her actions spoke so loudly and that gave me acceptance despite the fist full of pain I just received, I had no unanswered questions, no regrets, it ended in a beautiful way and looking back I have a lot respect for her, she showed me love and it spared me so much pain and prolonged suffering, if she had told me what she said in an email or something then it woul be worthless because yeah I'd see it but I wouldn't SEE it if you follow. Unless a woman gives you that then she never deserved you in the first place and isn't worth your pain right now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
na49 Posted June 3, 2013 Share Posted June 3, 2013 What a horrible idea that is. "closure" my @ss. This is you trying to guilt trip her in my eyes. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenShades Posted June 4, 2013 Share Posted June 4, 2013 I'm telling you not to do it, but for reasons other than what others have already been mentioned. You wrote that you're friends with all of your ex's except for this one. Everyone heals differently and in their own time. It sounds like she is taking a tack, that you may disagree with, but that allows her to more fully heal. Once she's done this you may be able to rekindle a friendship. Don't sour the pot, so to speak. Remain NC and then in 8 months, at the 1 year mark, shoot her an email and see if you guys can be friends. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aloneinaz Posted June 4, 2013 Share Posted June 4, 2013 It's been four months. It's over, history. As someone said above, you're only looking for simpathy from her. Sadly, she'll only think your pathetic to bring this all back up four months later. I wouldn't give her the satisfaction. You should channel that energy in finding someone better than her and moving on with your life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
na49 Posted June 4, 2013 Share Posted June 4, 2013 Of course everyone does their own thing and deals with it their own way, but if he wants our opinion then we're going to give it to him. Sending it just so he knows it's out there and as long as he's willing to accept the result (whatever it might be) then it doesn't really matter. It's just that so many people send these "closure" emails and drive themselves mad over whether they will get a response or not, wondering if their ex read it, what they did when they read it, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
BustedUpInside Posted June 4, 2013 Share Posted June 4, 2013 I'm not hoping for a response though. In fact I'd rather she didn't (because that will prove the contents of the emali right)....I just want her to see it. If you're not hoping for a response, then I guess my questions would be why do you need her to see it at all? I am not saying that you don't know what you are doing, but maybe you should hold off sending it. It will still be there ready to go in a month, but you might have changed your mind by then. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted June 4, 2013 Share Posted June 4, 2013 Seems like you did the really hard part by going NC for 4 months... that's usually what people struggle with the most. Stay the course. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
eleve82 Posted June 4, 2013 Share Posted June 4, 2013 To be honest, without knowing the context of your breakup it's hard to really get a feel of what is the best action. If she broke up with you suddenly (let's say over pent up issues) and you just told her "ok sayonara" without as much as trying to figure out what the problem was, then maybe it will be constructive to let her know exactly what you think - there may be a small chance that the miscommunication can be cleared up although you really shouldn't have waited this long. But don't delude yourself - if you are trying to show her what a bad decision this was, or to guilt trip her, she won't respond in a good way. In fact, just as you are expecting her actions to "prove the contents of the letter", the letter might well "prove the reasons" behind her breaking up with you. It doesn't seem like you two were 100% transparent with each other. To truly move on and get closure, you need to know and understand you have irreconcilable differences and have given the relationship a fair shot. Be 100% honest with yourself what you want. People don't send emails to get closure- its clear you expect some sort of response from her, even if it was just imagined. The reality is you only need to communicate with someone IF you want to see whether there is a chance to work things out (if that's what you want). Link to post Share on other sites
Author targaryen Posted June 5, 2013 Author Share Posted June 5, 2013 I think you should do it, but let me read it first. You don't want the email to sound needy, mean or weak. Make it a good email, since it will be the last. Don't worry about sending it right away, work on it until it's perfect. It can actually help you get to that final step: acceptance. As long as you hold no hope or expectations to that letter. Don't send it hoping to get a response, because you won't. Send it for you. Say everything you want to say. Then block her. Door shut. I did this once with an ex from awhile ago. It helped me get over that last hump. I wasn't mean. I wasn't weak. He didn't respond. I knew he wouldn't. But I said what I needed to say and then I was okay. It really helped me say the final goodbye. Thank you for understanding! I really don't see why I'm scared of sending this email. I guess I don't want to be seen as weak. But to be honest this is a person that knows me more than anyone else, who spent 4 years with me at my best and worst. I don't see why I should be scared of being judged. This is the email I wrote: I just read this article: "Five Ways to Know When to Leave Your Lover" (link) I supposed I was looking for an answer as to why you left me and never looked back. I didn't find it; don't think I fit any of the five categories. Not to brag, but I honestly can't see you fitting better with anyone else (and vice versa)...although you're probably better at being on your own than I'll ever be. So, which one was it? I think none of the above. It seems the only reason you left me is because you wanted to do so (in other words, you didn't want 'a lover' anymore,(or you didn't want me as 'the lover'...the lines are somewhat blurred). I guess it's pointless trying to understand. Maybe we were just much too young, and that's all there is to it. Take care girl. I hope you're happy in the end. (My name) PS: I don't expect (or need) a reply to this; I just wanted to let you know that the "but why" question has been on my mind more lately. I guess it's the one thing holding me back from getting the full closure you seemingly achieved. Link to post Share on other sites
Author targaryen Posted June 5, 2013 Author Share Posted June 5, 2013 (edited) To be honest, without knowing the context of your breakup it's hard to really get a feel of what is the best action. If she broke up with you suddenly (let's say over pent up issues) and you just told her "ok sayonara" without as much as trying to figure out what the problem was, then maybe it will be constructive to let her know exactly what you think - there may be a small chance that the miscommunication can be cleared up although you really shouldn't have waited this long. But don't delude yourself - if you are trying to show her what a bad decision this was, or to guilt trip her, she won't respond in a good way. In fact, just as you are expecting her actions to "prove the contents of the letter", the letter might well "prove the reasons" behind her breaking up with you. It doesn't seem like you two were 100% transparent with each other. To truly move on and get closure, you need to know and understand you have irreconcilable differences and have given the relationship a fair shot. Sorry about the lack of context, I posted the story so many times in LS that I'm tired of it haha. Basically she felt we met too young ( she was 18, I was 19) to be in the fast track to being together forever..which I wanted..she had doubts about being in a relationship at all, while I was sure I loved her and wanted to be with her..that's our irreconcilable difference. And she had been telling me once a month for about a year about these doubts but she could never bring herself to leave me (I'm a really good boyfriend haha) I was actually telling her that I'd understand if she broke up with me for a couple of months and she always said "no! i don't want to lose you! you're so perfect! why do I feel this way?" My point in the email is that she cut all contact without looking back once and that's a clear sign she doesn't want me in her life anymore..that's why I feel that she won't reply, am expecting it, and am OK with it. That's what I meant by "proving the email right". Be 100% honest with yourself what you want. People don't send emails to get closure- its clear you expect some sort of response from her, even if it was just imagined. The reality is you only need to communicate with someone IF you want to see whether there is a chance to work things out (if that's what you want). Well in this case I'd like to do it to get closure and am not expecting even an acknowledgement. Four months with no hint of communication from her have spoken clearly to her intentions. I don't think the only reason to communicate with an ex is to try and "get back together". The world isn't that black on white. Edited June 5, 2013 by targaryen Link to post Share on other sites
Author targaryen Posted June 16, 2013 Author Share Posted June 16, 2013 Why can't I do this???? I must have written TENS of text messages and emails but when it comes to pressing the send button...I just can't!!! What's keeping me back?? Maybe fear that she won't answer (even though I say I'm willing to face the risk)?? But I think mainly it's that SHE left me..SHE cut contact...SHE should be the one to reach out...but then again..it's ME who needs closure!!! ugh :/ has anyone else experienced this phenomenon? of being unable to contact their ex but still wanting to badly enough to waste HOURS crafting emails? sorry for reopning this thread but yesterday her girl friend told me that 'she would tlak to you if you didn't keep acting like you're allergic to her and avoiding her' so it just kicked back my need to reach out (and my inability to do so) in full force again Link to post Share on other sites
inaya42 Posted June 17, 2013 Share Posted June 17, 2013 hmmm -- i do not oppose a closure letter in general. it can be a nice way to say goodbye, thank you, to wish someone well. your letter seems to be a little accusatory and is asking for a reply. there doesn't seem to be much closure to it at all. it's more like "WHY -- oh well..." how about starting out by apologizing for emailing out of the blue, including some reminiscences about the relationship and some words about how you have grown as a result of knowing her, and then wishing her the best -- or offering friendship, etc.? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Praying4Peace Posted June 17, 2013 Share Posted June 17, 2013 I think he should send it because from what he wrote he feels great regret that it may have looked to her that he let the relationship go too quickly. Sometimes women read into the whole "He didn't even fight for me" thing and it helps them erase their feelings. As LONG as you do not expect a reply. And even if you do, not getting it will get you to acceptance. But as long as you have this very, very real feeling that you misrepresented your true feelings when you broke up, it will always haunt you. As for the guilt trip, people who don't care don't feel guilty. It's not like she's married and there's nothing wrong with her knowing more truth concerning the story of her life. Knowledge is power and all that jazz OP...it might rekindle the hurt for a while, not hearing back...but it will be more healing for you IMHO. You know how doctor's sometimes have to rebreak a bone to reset it correctly. You are ending it the way you wished you would and it will help your healing in the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
Author targaryen Posted June 17, 2013 Author Share Posted June 17, 2013 Thanks everyone....I'm working on the letter right now ... Maybe finally I'll send it this week . will post here first for your thoughts.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author targaryen Posted June 17, 2013 Author Share Posted June 17, 2013 hmmm -- i do not oppose a closure letter in general. it can be a nice way to say goodbye, thank you, to wish someone well. your letter seems to be a little accusatory and is asking for a reply. there doesn't seem to be much closure to it at all. it's more like "WHY -- oh well..." how about starting out by apologizing for emailing out of the blue, including some reminiscences about the relationship and some words about how you have grown as a result of knowing her, and then wishing her the best -- or offering friendship, etc.? Listen, I was wrong. What I really want is for HER to contact me without me having to be the one to reach out....She left me...I feel it makes no sense that I have to do this and that the fact she hasn't means she doesn't care. So yeah, this is not about closure. It's about knowing she still thinks about me. I don't want to get back with her. But I've remained friends with all my ex girlfriends in the past and it feels weird as hell that the most important girl until now has chosen not to speak to me anymore (I would understand it if i cheated or was horrible but i was a very decent guy and she left me because she was too young when she met me and now wants to Experience Life on Her Own). So I'm changing the scope of my email/letters/sms/whatever...I want her to consider restablishing contact, or at least to explain if she's always going to be like this, avoiding me, not talking to me..I can't imagine that my life will be devoid of her forever... So what about this instead: Hey Isabel, how are you? First of all, apologies for texting out of the blue. I just want to let you know that even though it's been months, I still really miss our conversations about everything. Maybe I should have told you earlier, but something kept me back. I'm wondering if you'll ever want to start one ever again. You should be aware that I don't want you to disapper from my life forever, and would like us to restablish regular contact at some point (if you're willing, and when you're ready). What do you think? Let me know, take care [/i] Keep in mind that she might not answer, but I guess that's the risk I'm willing to take....if she doesn't it's been 4.5 months of NC anyway, I'd just have to continue on like I have so far. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted June 17, 2013 Share Posted June 17, 2013 The question isn't about her establishing contact when she is ready, the fact is that YOU aren't ready. And even if she established contact, you are nowhere near of having any type of contact with her. Four months is nothing when it comes to healing. The first six months is volatile in that you're battling all sorts of emotions. You can send the letter but if it has taken you this much flip-flopping, you're doing yourself damage by sending it. If you send it: 1) You'll be back to where you are if she does not respond and probably feel another round of rejection. 2) She'll reply and you'll have a so-called friendship whereby you'll feel bad again if she doesn't keep consistent contact or according to your expectations or if you are always having to reach out 3) You'll feel like crap if you find out she's banging another guy or in a relationship, and with that don't expect much contact from her 4) You'll soon realize that the dynamic you had then will never be the same as you hope for now because everything has changed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mfleck91 Posted June 17, 2013 Share Posted June 17, 2013 Wow, I could swear you were my twin. I've thought about doing the same thing down the road. My opinion, don't do it. When I tried contacting my ex it just caused more pain....a lot more. All I found out is that she is sleeping with the guy she left me for after not sleeping with me once throughout our 4 year relationship. Save yourself the misery my friend, it isn't worth it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
theonlyjuan Posted June 17, 2013 Share Posted June 17, 2013 Don't do it. Maybe you just need to talk to someone about it. If you are never going to speak again and you feel you have to, it's your decision. I still talk to my ex and I sent her an email telling her all my feelings. Now I just feel like she could manipulate me if she wanted. Everything is in her court. Although after I sent it i felt I got it off my chest and felt better Link to post Share on other sites
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