I really need to do this for closure

[targaryen]

The question isn't about her establishing contact when she is ready, the fact is that YOU aren't ready.

 

And even if she established contact, you are nowhere near of having any type of contact with her.

 

Four months is nothing when it comes to healing. The first six months is volatile in that you're battling all sorts of emotions.

 

You can send the letter but if it has taken you this much flip-flopping, you're doing yourself damage by sending it. If you send it:

 

1) You'll be back to where you are if she does not respond and probably feel another round of rejection. 2) She'll reply and you'll have a so-called friendship whereby you'll feel bad again if she doesn't keep consistent contact or according to your expectations or if you are always having to reach out 3) You'll feel like crap if you find out she's banging another guy or in a relationship, and with that don't expect much contact from her 4) You'll soon realize that the dynamic you had then will never be the same as you hope for now because everything has changed.

 

Best reply I've gotten all week, not even my therapist helped so much. Thank you. I decided to wait for at least the 6 month period to pass but it'll probably be that I'll contact her a year from now .... I've written an email which I'll send when not getting a reply won't kill me or set me back ie when im over her

 

Hey (name), how are you?

 

First of all, apologies for sending this out of the blue. The truth is, I'm tired of the current frustrating situation. Even though it's been a while, I still really miss our conversations about everything...and I'm wondering if you'll ever want to start one ever again. You should be aware that personally I don't want you to disappear from my life permanently, and would like us to re-establish regular contact at some point (if you're willing, and when you're ready).

 

I know you've never remained on talking terms with an ex before, and yeah it'll be a bit weird at first, but....you're still one of the few people that know the real me, and hopefully I know you better than most after all this time. Unfortunately we didn't work out as we both hoped but I'd rather retain that as a good friendship rather than continue down this path of becoming strangers.

 

What would work best is if we just exchange emails for some weeks/months, to get comfortable with each other gain, before considering meeting in person. (We might decide not to). From my side, I can confidently promise that I won't try prying into your personal life, bug you too much, or expect you to contact me regularly - you know by now I'm not that type - but it will be good to know I can send you an email with my reaction to (something on a TV show) without agonizing whether you'll answer or not. (Seriously, nobody except you watches (TV show) in my life, wtf).

 

What do you think? If you agree - and you know you do if you've thought about me at least once this week - there's no need to explain yourself. Just start a conversation as you would with any friend....for example you can answer me this: did you see (movie name) and what did you think about it? Since it's based on one of your favourite novels I'm quite curious to know your opinion!

 

If for some reason you disagree or are not interested in trying, you can ignore this, I suppose. But I don't think you will. This is your chance to show me that time can be changed as by replying to the (movie) question you'll be creating a new timeline; one that we never glimpsed through time-travelling SMSes.* I hope you use this immense power responsibly and for the good of humanity

Have a nice day filled with (favourite crisp brand)** & wonders!

 

-T

 

 

 

*I used to send her texts from "future me" showing a time when we'll be living together

**some references nobody else will get

[Zahara]

I've written an email which I'll send when not getting a reply won't kill me or set me back ie when im over her

 

Slow down buddy.

 

You're drafting an email based on how you feel NOW, in hopes of sending it to her in a year when you're over her? Makes no sense. Yes?

 

If you're going to send her an email when you are OVER HER, say in a year or so, the context of your email will be far more different than what you are writing now. A year changes a lot of things. But get this, when you're over her, you probably won't even care to write her, and even if you do, your message and expectations by then will be quite the opposite of what you write now.

 

I suggest you put the pen down. Write your letter a year from now based on how you feel, a year from now, that is, if you even want to.

 

For now, focus on what you want for yourself, what you hope for your future, and your steps towards healing.

 

PS: The email screams desperation. A simple hello would be more tolerable and will suffice. She'll either entertain it or not. If you want a friendship, don't bring up the past to try to attract her interest. Melodrama isn't appealing to someone that isn't emotionally attached.

[RespectfullyAlone]

To be honest, without knowing the context of your breakup it's hard to really get a feel of what is the best action. If she broke up with you suddenly (let's say over pent up issues) and you just told her "ok sayonara" without as much as trying to figure out what the problem was, then maybe it will be constructive to let her know exactly what you think - there may be a small chance that the miscommunication can be cleared up although you really shouldn't have waited this long. But don't delude yourself - if you are trying to show her what a bad decision this was, or to guilt trip her, she won't respond in a good way. In fact, just as you are expecting her actions to "prove the contents of the letter", the letter might well "prove the reasons" behind her breaking up with you. It doesn't seem like you two were 100% transparent with each other. To truly move on and get closure, you need to know and understand you have irreconcilable differences and have given the relationship a fair shot.

 

Be 100% honest with yourself what you want. People don't send emails to get closure- its clear you expect some sort of response from her, even if it was just imagined. The reality is you only need to communicate with someone IF you want to see whether there is a chance to work things out (if that's what you want).

 

Does this apply to the dumpers who have contacted you in the past asking for help on projects and so on, when they could have easily asked dozens of other friends?

 

I never got my closure, but she did seem to try to give it to me. Sadly it was not a good experience and I am more sure now than ever, it was actually her trying to allieviate her guilt by giving me "closure". Words like her feeling so much better after talking with me. Yet her purpose was to try and answer any questions I had after she up and left suddenly get with, and get engaged to another guy. Weird. Her words seemed to make sense, but this feeling I could never shake was that she wasn't there for me, to comfort me, or actually answer any questions, it was because guilt was still a factor in her life and I guess she wanted me gone even in her feelings of guilt.

[youngnlove89]

"Hey (her name),

First of all, apologies for sending this out of the blue. The truth is, I'm tired of the current frustrating situation. Even though it's been a while, I still really miss our conversations about everything...and I'm wondering if you'll ever want to start one ever again. You should be aware that personally I don't want you to disappear from my life permanently, and would like us to re-establish regular contact at some point (if you're willing, and when you're ready).

This is just too much, it screams needy. Instead say:

 

"I know we haven't talked in awhile, but I've been thinking of you lately"

 

I know you've never remained on talking terms with an ex before, and yeah it'll be a bit weird at first, but....you're still one of the few people that know the real me, and hopefully I know you better than most after all this time. Unfortunately we didn't work out as we both hoped but I'd rather retain that as a good friendship rather than continue down this path of becoming strangers.

 

"I hope you are doing well and I'm sending good thoughts your way. (maybe you could say something like, "hows work going, is your boss still a jerk" or something along the lines of that)

 

(that right there says: I'm curious, I miss you, I miss our conversations, and I don't want to be strangers)

 

What would work best is if we just exchange emails for some weeks/months, to get comfortable with each other gain, before considering meeting in person. (We might decide not to). From my side, I can confidently promise that I won't try prying into your personal life, bug you too much, or expect you to contact me regularly - you know by now I'm not that type - but it will be good to know I can send you an email with my reaction to (something on a TV show) without agonizing whether you'll answer or not. (Seriously, nobody except you watches (TV show) in my life, wtf).

EH. Needy still. I don't like it. Don't tell her what to do. I wouldn't like that. Delete all this and replace it with:

 

"I know the time may not be right for either of us right now, but I look forward to that day where we can share a laugh or have a couple beers at our "your favorite bar" (insert name of bar and why it was your favorite, example: because the chips and salsa were always to die for or an inside joke you guys shared that happened there) and reminiscence the good times."

 

What do you think? If you agree - and you know you do if you've thought about me at least once this week - there's no need to explain yourself. Just start a conversation as you would with any friend....for example you can answer me this: did you see (movie name) and what did you think about it? Since it's based on one of your favourite novels I'm quite curious to know your opinion!

oh my gosh. that is horrible. don't say that! again, you are telling her what to do. say this:

 

"I understand you may not want to talk yet. I just thought I'd send a quick email to let you know I still care about you and hope life is treating you well."

 

That shows her that she can contact you when she is ready, you will be there.

If for some reason you disagree or are not interested in trying, you can ignore this, I suppose. But I don't think you will. This is your chance to show me that time can be changed as by replying to the (movie) question you'll be creating a new timeline; one that we never glimpsed through time-travelling SMSes.* I hope you use this immense power responsibly and for the good of humanity

Have a nice day filled with (favourite crisp brand)** & wonders!

don't tell her to ignore it because that's not what you want. and don't assume what she will do either. that's your problem. you keep speaking for her. stop that.

 

just say:

 

"Well I better get going, I have to leave for work now. Hope you have a wonderful day and I look forward to talking to you"

 

 

Of course you can tweak what I say, but make it short and simple. Be confident, not needy. Let her fill in the blanks.

 

Sorry my reply was late. Wish you the best OP.

[targaryen]

YoungLove and Zahara...you both give great advice but from opposing ends...I guess it's up to me to decide now...

[targaryen]

So...I was in Vienna on my own for a whole week and I don't know what took over me...I suddenly felt that it wouldn't matter if she didn't answer but I needed to get this damn email out, let her know that it's her choice not to talk to me, not mine...this was yesterday afternoon and this is what I sent (based a lot on the advice above). No answer yet but I feel better.

 

Hello (ex girlfriend name)

I know this is a bit out of the blue as we haven't talked in a while, but recently I ve been meaning to get in touch somehow.

Anyway, how's work going? Is (colleague name) still as whiny while taking hours to finish a sentence? Obviously you must have finished your thesis by now but a huge good luck for the Viva if that's still upcoming

While this may or may not be the right time for you, I thought you should know I look forward to that day where we can share a laugh or have a couple beers again! We didn't work out but we can still reminiscence the good times and start making new memories.

I understand you may not be ready to talk yet. I thought I'd send a quick email anyway to let you know I am and check on how life's going for you

Well I better get going, I had to pick up someone 5 mins ago. Hope you have a great weekend, and I look forward to talking to you!

[js1967]

In my opinion, and I understand everyone situation is different, I think it is ok to send a letter asking for closure, reasons etc if you think it will help YOU and YOU alone.

 

Earlier, there was a post that mentions she might see you as weak...I say, Who cares what she thinks, at this point,she broke up with you and left you hanging, why do you care if she thinks your weak or strong or whatever. I think there is a right way and a wrong way to end a relationship. I think just dumping someone out of the blue, then "hiding" behind no contact is cowardly, no reasonable explaination and leaving someone to just forever wonder why is TERRIBLE.

 

When I got dumped earlier on this year, I wrote a letter. I never got a response, but it made me feel better at least letting her know how I felt about the situation and what her actions did to me. My problem wasnt as much with the break up as it was with the way it was handled. I have no idea if she read it, if she laughed at it, or cried over it and to be honest I dont care...at least I got my say, which right from the words "its over" the door got slammed in my face.

 

Writing that letter got some of my thoughts and feelings off my chest and it actually empowered me. I am so over my ex now, have moved on and actually have met a very nice person and am starting again. Right out of the gate, communication is huge and the foundation on a a new relationship. So I turned one bad experience into a good foundation which I learned from.

 

With respect to some of the great advice you get on here, I think you need to weigh it all and do what you think is right. For me, writing a letter helped me. If it made my ex feel guilty...oh well, my intention wasnt to make her feel guilty, it was all about me and what she did to me and I needed to be clear that I did not appreciate it. It also made me realize that I did not want to be with someone who would treat me or anyone else like that. A leopard doesnt change its spots. Im blessed to be not be with her, Im just not going to tolerate the action.

 

So good luck with all of this, I hope what ever you choose to do works out.

[chamachama]

Sorry man. It won't have the desired effect. And no matter what anyone on here tells you, it does not feel good when you write a well thought out and genuine letter in hopes that the person gets back to you and sees you in the light that you hope that they do after reading said letter.... only to be completely blanked or even worse the "do not contact me ever again." or something cold and callus...

 

You are in denial right now and not at all thinking correctly. All that letter really did was tell her "hey! I am the same dude you thought that I was...and I am trying to get you back to the table because I am obsessed with you and thinking about you constantly!..." And she will tell herself "see?! I knew he couldn't just move on like a man..."

 

Lesson here is that there really is only one answer whether you want them back or you want to move on. That answer is NO CONTACT and start doing things with YOU in mind. Not them. Go out and find some new healthy activities to start experiencing in your life. Meet new people, see new things, and bring new fun experiences back into your life...and start building the foundations of a better more exciting life for yourself...

 

And "maybe" one day a long time from now...she starts to wonder in her own mind about you. Maybe she contacts you and you are loving your new life and its exciting and fun.... maybe at that point you get to make one last decision about her. Whether to give her another try or kick her to the curb... my guess at that point would be she would be curb bound...

 

Dude, you sent the letter. Its too late. But just remember what this feels like when you put forth a very nice heart felt (seemingly) innocent and feel good letter and the sentiment is not at all returned to you.

 

Remember it and feel the pain and never ever do it again.

 

Now its time for NC. Be the NC my friend.....live it and embrace it.

 

 

"The best way out, is always through." -Robert Frost

Edited July 2, 2013 by chamachama

[targaryen]

Thanks for both your comments. Just to clarify I did SIX MONTHS of NC. I've done all of the above, met many new people, moved, and am loving my new life. I sent the above letter because I genuinely felt that finally it wouldn't matter whether she replied or not. In fact I did NOT solicit a reply. I merely stated that I'm in a position to start talking to her again and left it up to her. To be honest I started this thread thinking that I needed to send the email to get closure, then realised I wanted to restart my contact with her on a different level (as friends, since we only knew each other in romantic terms), and then ended up realising that I only could send it because I got closure when I was abroad (in my own head). So, I think NC is great for the first few months as both people recalibrate their lives and emotions, but this is a person I spent 4.5 great years with and I actually agree with the reasons she broke it off - as I've said before on these forums I should have had the courage to do it myself earlier. So why not stay in touch? Not necessarily the closest of friends, but on amicable terms.

 

So what happened after I sent that email? She replied, we've exchanged 4-5 friendly emails over the past 10 days, updated each other about life, and might be meeting over a friendly coffee soon. During these days it was also my birthday and she text me to wish me a great day. And it's great. But you know what? Even if she didn't it wouldn't matter that much to me anymore - yes I still get 'flashes' of memories 3-4 times a day when I see something that reminds me of times spent with her but I don't get the 'twince' (twinge+wince) of pain I used to get. So the lesson is, only contact your ex if you really don't have a hidden agenda to get back with them anymore, and when it really doesn't matter to you anymore. I see a possible friendship with this girl as a positive side effect, but without it, I will still have a life. So I'm glad to announce on LS that I think I'm over it and have a date lined up for this week

Edited July 7, 2013 by targaryen

[chamachama]

only contact your ex if you really don't have a hidden agenda to get back with them anymore, and when it really doesn't matter to you anymore. I see a possible friendship with this girl as a positive side effect, but without it, I will still have a life. So I'm glad to announce on LS that I think I'm over it and have a date lined up for this week

 

Nice man, I stand corrected then. Personally, I think that it depends on the relationship. I went NC with my ex last year for 8 months. We then started texting a bit again citing friendship as the new goal. We decided to meet at a coffee shop for coffee. As soon as we sat down together we started holding hands and caressing each other. We have this incredible physical connection that just never dies or fades. We can't seem to help it. We are so affectionate with each other and so hopelessly attracted to each other physically that its simply the way we are when we are near each other. And not even 8 months of no contact or the fact that I was with others or the fact that she was dating others had even the slightest effect on us.

 

That lasted about 2 months where we consumed one another again, but fell into the same exact traps that we always fell into. It becomes toxic and we start hurting each other. In the end, I had to tell her to never ever contact me again. Its for both of our own good. We must move on and stop hurting each other. We aren't pals and never will be pals. That's just not how we are together. Maybe because your relationship was different, it will allow for you two to be pals. But for us....no freaking way.

[pipedream7]

im in a position thats similar. I want to say what I TRULY feel however for me it would undermine my goal of getting back with her. (I realize my goal is flawed and i should just get over her).

 

I would say think about what you want your end goal to be. I read this one day "anything written with high emotion should sit in your inbox for 5 days. Read it after 5 days and send it".

 

I've followed this rule and have a LIST of draft emails I haven't sent because they were so emotionally charged and in the moment felt and sounded so good to send.

 

I totally get wanting to tell this hurtful person what is really inside. And yes it would feel good and if you are absolutely 100% over the person then I'd say go for it. In my experience its best to ask questions rather than make statements. Your questions can contain your feelings. For me my biggest grievance is my ex pretended like everything was cool when it wasn't. So i want to grab her and yell at her at the top of my lungs "You lied about how you felt and you betrayed our relationship by doing that! but rather its better to say "How the heck am I supposed to know you aren't happy when you just act like everything is great?"

 

its a brutal place to be in. I really hope karma is real and whatever your belief system is to allow that.

 

lastly, i read a great quote today walking through downtown oakland. it was serendipitous. "TRUST YOUR STRUGGLE"

[Larry Walker]

Thanks for both your comments. Just to clarify I did SIX MONTHS of NC. I've done all of the above, met many new people, moved, and am loving my new life. I sent the above letter because I genuinely felt that finally it wouldn't matter whether she replied or not. In fact I did NOT solicit a reply. I merely stated that I'm in a position to start talking to her again and left it up to her. To be honest I started this thread thinking that I needed to send the email to get closure, then realised I wanted to restart my contact with her on a different level (as friends, since we only knew each other in romantic terms), and then ended up realising that I only could send it because I got closure when I was abroad (in my own head). So, I think NC is great for the first few months as both people recalibrate their lives and emotions, but this is a person I spent 4.5 great years with and I actually agree with the reasons she broke it off - as I've said before on these forums I should have had the courage to do it myself earlier. So why not stay in touch? Not necessarily the closest of friends, but on amicable terms.

 

So what happened after I sent that email? She replied, we've exchanged 4-5 friendly emails over the past 10 days, updated each other about life, and might be meeting over a friendly coffee soon. During these days it was also my birthday and she text me to wish me a great day. And it's great. But you know what? Even if she didn't it wouldn't matter that much to me anymore - yes I still get 'flashes' of memories 3-4 times a day when I see something that reminds me of times spent with her but I don't get the 'twince' (twinge+wince) of pain I used to get. So the lesson is, only contact your ex if you really don't have a hidden agenda to get back with them anymore, and when it really doesn't matter to you anymore. I see a possible friendship with this girl as a positive side effect, but without it, I will still have a life. So I'm glad to announce on LS that I think I'm over it and have a date lined up for this week

 

 

It's because of that text message I told you to send. You acted like a complete jerk for a moment in time and she remembers it. Remember when I told you to send that text about "when are you going to let me tap it again"?

 

I told you it will work. Just took some time.