TheGuard13 Posted June 4, 2013 Share Posted June 4, 2013 A few weeks into beginning a casual romantic/sexual relationship with a friend of a year or so, she confided in me that as a preteen, she had been raped by a medical professional while she was in the hospital. She has sought counseling for this issue, and has more or less moved on with her life, with no apparent serious sexual or social hangups, though she does have some mental issues that may be related to this trauma. She has told me that she still has flashbacks from time to time, and last night, while we were having sex, I experienced it firsthand. Now, it wasn't that bad for me. Along the lines of a panic attack, and she sort of backed off and shut down, but she told me that she felt like she was back there, that age again, and that it was happening all over. It lasted a few minutes, and I just tried to calm her down and let her realize she wasn't in that situation. Afterward, she was embrassed, but I told her it was okay. She swore it had nothing to do with what I'd been doing physically, but more with the environment we were in, as it was new. Has anyone had a relationship with someone who had to deal with something like this? Is there anything I can do to minimize the risk of her having these flashbacks, and how should I be dealing with them when they happen? My understanding is that they're going to happen, and when they do, it's best for her to let herself kind of ride it out and experience it fully VS pushing it back down. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted June 4, 2013 Share Posted June 4, 2013 You said that she had sought treatment, and showed no sexual or emotional issues from the trauma. But if she has having flashbacks to such a degree that they are unavoidable and expected....that's serious . She should be back n therapy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheGuard13 Posted June 4, 2013 Author Share Posted June 4, 2013 She is in therapy. Apparently they happen fairly rarely, a few times a year. Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted June 4, 2013 Share Posted June 4, 2013 Is there anything I can do to minimize the risk of her having these flashbacks, and how should I be dealing with them when they happen? Well, I was going to say that you should ask her these questions, but I read back and noticed that you said this was "a casual romantic/sexual relationship with a friend" so I'm not sure it would be appropriate for you to try to help her through these deeply emotional occurrences since you're just FWB. It seems as though she's not ready for a casual sexual relationship if it has (even once!) made her feel like she's "back there, that age again, and that it was happening all over." I mean, ****, that's intense. You wouldn't want to even take the chance that she might go through that again with you, so I think you should just go back to being friends with her. It would be different if you were in a committed, serious relationship with her. As her friend and only her friend, maybe you could support her through this, but not while you're also trying to have sex with her. It's just a weird conflict of interest. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted June 4, 2013 Share Posted June 4, 2013 It would be different if you were in a committed, serious relationship with her. As her friend and only her friend, maybe you could support her through this, but not while you're also trying to have sex with her. It's just a weird conflict of interest. cc12 put it perfectly....casual sex.......can have a detrimental effect on someone who has flashbacks........i have flashbacks......casual sex to me is mechanical...i stay away from casual sex relationships and i get to know a man well enough that i can open up about my history...sometimes that takes a while...my history isnt something i would share with just a casual sex guy...i avoid putting myself in new situations i am not entirely comfortable with...if i am uncomfortable physically, actually in pain, i am likely to flashback..... flashbacks to me have to be ridden out...you are correct..i cant be touched while having one.....every person is different however........yoru friend i feel you need to step back ...get to know her better and for her to know you i have learned that for me to be comfortable the guy i am with....has to know my history.......way before hand........i stick to committed relationships.......and i have never flash backed while making love with someone i consented to make love with......i already know them and feel secure, safe and have strong feelings for that man...that is key...casual sex you dont have that knowledge and they dont know you.......its a risk..i just dont take it...when i have had casual sex, a long time ago it was not good, it was mechanical and regret filled for me......people who have suffered abuse need a very patient partner who knows them pretty well.....enough to know when they are uncomfortable and not to proceed until they are comfortable and secure...........deb Link to post Share on other sites
Feelin Frisky Posted June 4, 2013 Share Posted June 4, 2013 If you're going to continue to see her, you have to know that rape is an act of violence, not sex. You have to show her that you know that and perhaps gently lead her to not see sex and violence as associated or one in the same. I can only empathize. I hope she wasn't brutally assaulted. I was never sexually assaulted but I was assaulted brutally twice. Having your life treated with vicious intent ain't a crime for nothing. It stays with you as a wound. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Shepp Posted June 4, 2013 Share Posted June 4, 2013 I get flashbacks (I was in a fire when I was 14) I work as a firefighter now so I have to be able to control them - and I can, by...its hard to explain, I have to root myself in the present. So like i'll know im getting one because I feel the pain in my head, the same pain I had at the time, and kinda a tightening in my chest. and then I have to wake myself up, so like gripping onto something really sharp in my hand works great or smelling salts work good too, so i'll normally carry a small sharp stone or smelling salts just in case. Havent had one for ages now. Link to post Share on other sites
Shepp Posted June 4, 2013 Share Posted June 4, 2013 This says it better than I can:: Sound: Turn on loud music Loud, jarring music will be hard to ignore. And as a result, your attention will be directed to that noise, bringing you into the present moment. Touch: Grip a piece of ice If you notice that you are slipping into a flashback or a dissociative state, hold onto a piece of ice. It will be difficult to direct your attention away from the extreme coldness of the ice, forcing you to stay in touch with the present moment. Smell: Sniff some strong peppermint When you smell something strong, it is very hard to focus on anything else. In this way, smelling peppermint can bring you into the present moment, slowing down or stopping altogether a flashback or an episode of dissociation. Taste: Bite into a lemon The sourness of a lemon and the strong sensation it produces in your mouth when you bite into it can force you to stay in the present moment. Sight: Take an inventory of everything around you Connect with the present moment by listing everything around you. Identify all the colors you see. Count all the pieces of furniture around you. List off all the noises you hear. Taking an inventory of your immediate environment can directly connect you with the present moment. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheGuard13 Posted June 4, 2013 Author Share Posted June 4, 2013 Umm...why? Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted June 4, 2013 Share Posted June 4, 2013 Don't date people with traumatic histories, not seriously at least. so people who have had trauma in their past should not be considered for a serious relationship.....or should remain dateless......well that sucks for a vast amount of people if that were to be true......deb Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheGuard13 Posted June 4, 2013 Author Share Posted June 4, 2013 Because if you do you'll have to deal with situations like these. I also said it wasn't that bad. So you're advocating I never date anyone with issues because I might have to deal with things? Riiiight. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted June 4, 2013 Share Posted June 4, 2013 I can still have flashbacks and it's 20-something years in the past. The thing with flashbacks is it takes a certain type of touch, a smell, a word, the way the lighting is, etc. and suddenly the feelings come back. If your gf can pinpoint what it was that brought on a flashback, then you can take care to avoid that again. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted June 4, 2013 Share Posted June 4, 2013 Correct, you'll be much happier in the long run. Not necessarily true. There isn't a person alive with zero issues. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Shepp Posted June 5, 2013 Share Posted June 5, 2013 There are, however, plenty of people who don't have flahbacks to traumatic events. Everyones screwed up in there own way - whys flashbacks any worse that people with addiction problems or eating disorders or mental health issues or emotional hang ups? No ones perfect and if they are then I sure wouldn't be able to date them - they've clearly been living in bubble wrap all there life! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
drr6 Posted June 6, 2013 Share Posted June 6, 2013 I assume you have a good relationship that makes sense overall. We all have issues. In that case, it's great that you are supportive. It is also important that she is being transparent with you about this and has sought help to overcome it. The only caveat to add (not relevant to you necessarily): Watch out for people who use and exploit some past trauma as an ace up their sleeve. They pull it out whenever they feel like it. They act irresponsible at random times, and then use the past trauma as an excuse and then shut down any further discussion. They are vague about the details of the abuse, and don't seek treatment for it. They are more interested in keeping it as an excuse for all their messed up behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
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