bf despised cheaters yet he was one himself..

[skyisfalling]

So I've been dating my bf for about 9 months and he was perfect.. we rarely got into fights and when we did, it didn't drag on like my other relationships. He spoiled me a lot by taking me to a lot of great restaurants and we met our parents and introduced each other as the one we wanted to marry..

 

we always openely talked about how wrong cheating is and how clear we need to make our boundaries with other people. We talked about what we expected from each other and what we wanted from each other and my needs were ALWAYS met as he was a very affectionate person.. always wanting to hold me, touch me, kiss me.. during the whole 9 months to this day.

 

well a couple days ago, i happened to read one of his facebook messages and read that a girl "fell for him.." i was so shocked. For a girl to "fall for someone" it means that he must've done something to her. I didn't want to give him a chance.. but he begged and pleaded that nothing happened and that girl kept flirting with him so he just played along.. i believed him. but I was still not completely sold.. so today, I found out that he had messaged her how she made him "rock hard.." and how she was so sexy and she messaged him back saying, "im sorry i gave you blue balls.." That was all I had to read. I was shaking and I just could NOT breathe. He denied it at first and told me they only kissed.. but who really knows. He later said that he's being selfish and he doesn't deserve me and that he should let me go as he is a bad person with problems. So I drove him and here i am on loveshack writing to you hoping to get some clarity.

 

i should be hating him and i should be disgusted with him, but right now, im in shock and disbelief that this loving bf whom ive known for 9 months was this cheating monster.

 

The question is this.. it ****ing hurts like hell, my heart has literally been shattered into a million pieces.. how do i quickly bounce back from this? Should I keep repeating the situation over in my head as they come in? Or should I block the thoughts from entering my mind and just keep busy? I am sooooooo confused as to how a loving boyfriend of mine could be so cruel and evil to have done this to me. I could really use all your support. Thanks loveshack.

[dreamingoftigers]

I am so sorry.

 

Those messages burn it your head pretty bad.

 

And yes they did more then kiss. And yes he totally lied.

 

Most cheaters can't admit that they are. Most cheaters have crappy coping skills and low resolve.

 

Be glad that you found out and that you are strong enough to clip him from your life. You'll be glad that you did.

 

For awhile it will feel pretty traumatic. But then it will start to dissipate. Clearing him out right away and doing everything you can to keep your faith in humanity is a very strong way to go. The bad dreams will come every now and then. You'll probably feel sick to your stomach for awhile.

 

Expect flashbacks for months and crying jags. The more you adjust to the idea, the better you'll handle it.

 

Block and delete him from everything. Don't look back on this one.

[BryanP37]

I agree. Time to send him to the curb with the rest of the trash. This guy is a player and a fraud. A moron too if he writes it down for all to see on Facebook. Unrefutable evidence of his stupidity. Send him packing. Someone better is waiting for you out there.

[dreamingoftigers]

OP,

 

He might have given the best testimonials about "not cheating" in the world. But words are only if value when actions match them.

 

It's imperative to find a mate whose actions match their words.

 

Best of luck.

[Maleficent]

In psych, we call this projection.

 

Sorry you went through this hun. *hug*

[jphcbpa]

Better to find out now, as painful as this is for you, then married to him. Just remember to keep your heart open with love for others. He did not do this at you or to you, he is a cheater because of something he is lacking. You could never fix that so stop with the would have could have should haves. He is not a bad person, just makes/made bad choices. His loss in the end.

[ascendotum]

What he is doing is certainly not right. He is obviously flirting with another girl or she is instigating the flirting as he said and he enjoying it and playing along and its crossed over to physical contact. Not something that's going to give you faith that things may not get out of hand in the future when he might find married life a bit boring.

I certainly would not say its a sure thing he has had sex with this woman though. You do know what blue balls mean?

[skyisfalling]

Thanks everyone for your wonderful words of encouragement. I just could not bear being at work today so I took the day off to give myself time to grief. We're both not naive in relationships (i am 30 and he is 33) so for me, this marriage talk was serious..

 

I'm really feeling like ****. Even though im feeling like this I just want to call him and let him console me. I miss him yet i despise him. The very person who made me this way is the one person who i want seek out for comfort. Is this normal??

 

He wrote a 2 page email on how sorry he is and that i dont deserve any of this. That it wasn't my fault and he accepts full responsibility. He also mentioned how he wish he could be in a time machine and not just go back to the incident but also back to when we first met so he could spare the pain of this and the pain of losing me. *So what the **** does that mean, given the conditions he would have done it again?

 

I really am in a world of hurt and I know 9 months is NOT that much of a time considering there are people who have been dating 10+ years and got cheated on with family. BUt pain is still pain and I just want it to go away. This isn't even my fault, why do I feel such immense pain.

[skyisfalling]

What he is doing is certainly not right. He is obviously flirting with another girl or she is instigating the flirting as he said and he enjoying it and playing along and its crossed over to physical contact. Not something that's going to give you faith that things may not get out of hand in the future when he might find married life a bit boring.

I certainly would not say its a sure thing he has had sex with this woman though. You do know what blue balls mean?

 

yes, I know what blue balls mean. Sex or no sex what he did was wrong. He basically told her how he was getting rock hard thinking about her.. *(i really want to puke, i hate the visuals!!!!!!!!!) but yes you are right. How can i trust him. I was reading infidelity articles and I came across marriage counseling and how people overcome this.. especially if the person is remorseful.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thanks everyone for your wonderful words of encouragement. I just could not bear being at work today so I took the day off to give myself time to grief. We're both not naive in relationships (i am 30 and he is 33) so for me, this marriage talk was serious..

 

I'm really feeling like ****. Even though im feeling like this I just want to call him and let him console me. I miss him yet i despise him. The very person who made me this way is the one person who i want seek out for comfort. Is this normal??

 

Yes, it's normal and typical. A bunch of different portions of your brain are going to be lighting up when you think of him for awhile. It's a mind-fu*k. When you think of him, a piece will associate it with the happy relationship, another piece will associate it with the pain you are going through now, another piece will be angry, and yet another piece will tell you to go back and restore the equilibrium because as we bond to someone, we add them into our "neural environment" as it were. So we get used to them and when our Equilibrium is upset, our brain looks for what is missing.

 

Fortunately, you have a reasoning center and can pick which memory etc. serves you best and make a decision. Eventually the rest of emotional you catches up.

 

He wrote a 2 page email on how sorry he is and that i dont deserve any of this. That it wasn't my fault and he accepts full responsibility. He also mentioned how he wish he could be in a time machine and not just go back to the incident but also back to when we first met so he could spare the pain of this and the pain of losing me. *So what the **** does that mean, given the conditions he would have done it again?

 

It means that he spent 2 more pages blah blahhing about things he's "sorry about" and "doesn't like" and "accepts responsibility for." But then when push comes to shove he has as much strength as that paper. Oh wait, he wrote an email....nope, the analogy still works.

 

It also means that he is "hurting" but that instead of facing it head-on he "wishes" he could make the "hurt" disappear instead of owning his crap and making it right. Let him enjoy Fantasyland, he seems at home there.

 

I really am in a world of hurt and I know 9 months is NOT that much of a time considering there are people who have been dating 10+ years and got cheated on with family. BUt pain is still pain and I just want it to go away. This isn't even my fault, why do I feel such immense pain.

 

You feel immense pain because you would still be in the "honeymoon stage" where you can't see just how effed up this guy is. Once the hormone buzz dies down, he'll just be the latest asshat that needs replacing. Like buying a new car that dies after 5000 km. (3106.9 miles)

[dreamingoftigers]

yes, I know what blue balls mean. Sex or no sex what he did was wrong. He basically told her how he was getting rock hard thinking about her.. *(i really want to puke, i hate the visuals!!!!!!!!!) but yes you are right. How can i trust him. I was reading infidelity articles and I came across marriage counseling and how people overcome this.. especially if the person is remorseful.

 

Honey, it's nine months. You don't have enough to build on. Anything short of 10 years or married with a kid, forget it. He has the fortitude of a gnat.

 

Seriously. Not enough foundation to recover before a betrayal. Seriously.

[skyisfalling]

Honey, it's nine months. You don't have enough to build on. Anything short of 10 years or married with a kid, forget it. He has the fortitude of a gnat.

 

Seriously. Not enough foundation to recover before a betrayal. Seriously.

 

Thank you for that dreamingoftigers. There is nothing to build on, you're right. Have you been cheated on before? How did you get over it?

 

When will I be OK from this? We had a europe trip planned for my birthday leaving this Thursday and now its all gone to ****. what a ****ing waste of money! What a ****ty birthday for me..

 

and I HATE myself for wondering how he's doing and holding up? I know he's not dancing around with a beer in his hand but do you think he is in comparable pain as i? I hope his guilty can eat him alive.

 

That woman had a BF, and he proposed to her a couple days ago, so she finally said to my bf that they should just remain "friends". I SOOOO wish I could email the fiance and tell him what a ****ing c*nt s*ut she is.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thank you for that dreamingoftigers. There is nothing to build on, you're right. Have you been cheated on before? How did you get over it?

 

Turns out that I married a sexual addict, found out at eight months pregnant, surprise!

 

I won't say that I "got over it." In all honesty, I stretched myself further than I should've gone largely because I realized his issues were, well, based on some very screwed up things that were fixable (with a ton of hard work) if he used the tools given. And really, it felt like getting kicked in the head for a long time. It didn't get any better until he actually got the boot and then lived in the back of his car for awhile. He also relapsed on alcohol. He hit a wicked rock-bottom. I've got threads kicking around here.

 

I thought that he would vanish or die. It's been over a year since there's been addictive issues going on. It's been a long road but he's resembling more the man I married and had a child with. And they've bonded very well.

 

I am not *over* it. We still both have a lot of work to do. The average infidelity takes 2-5 years to get over. Not a good ROI on a 9 month relationship.

 

And frankly, if my daughter hadn't been born, I would've gladly washed my hands completely clean of him. But when we became a family unit, that was a game-changer for me. Some disagree. I'll live with that.

 

It might've been "easier" to find another partner/step-father or just be on my own. (Actually it was much, much easier on my own than living with someone who was messed in the head. Really felt grounded by myself.) I believed that I should be able to tell my daughter that I did all that I could to save our family. And actually do all that I could.

 

But this. My God. I tell other women: if you are dating them, that's the audition. They don't fit the role! Next!

 

If you've got the guy in the cast as one of the leads, he's much harder to write out or replace.

 

When will I be OK from this? We had a europe trip planned for my birthday leaving this Thursday and now its all gone to ****. what a ****ing waste of money! What a ****ty birthday for me..

 

Honey, three years ago I had another D-day (found cheating) right on my birthday. I am Mormon. My father was an alcoholic. The only time since 2002 I had a drink was on that birthday. I bought myself a bottle of vodka and drank 3/4 of it. That was a shi**y birthday. I am not competing whatsoever. I am just saying, we all get one. I'm turning 31 in a week (or so). Go to Europe. Go and see amazing European things. It's not a waste unless you let it be. Stand so solid for yourself. You might not have a dopamine-filled rock star birthday. This year, have a proud-of-yourself-for-not-allowing-some-guy-to-use-you-as-an-option birthday. You'll probably remember this birthday as actually more meaningful by doing so.

 

Or, you can just give me tickets to Europe! Happy Birthday to me!

 

Honestly, the short answer: six months if you cut him off right away. Your brain will start to make record of his absence and it will bug you accordingly. Ignore that part, and the primitive part of your brain will adapt and adjust to a new equilibrium. Relational stuff like this is called a limbic injury. The majority of it heals within six months IF YOU DON'T FEED INTO IT. The residuals: a year or two if you don't meet someone amazing in the meantime. Or course, give or take a bit.

 

He's going to be a trigger for you. Throw out whatever crap he's given you. Don't torture yourself with it. Be pragmatic.

 

and I HATE myself for wondering how he's doing and holding up? I know he's not dancing around with a beer in his hand but do you think he is in comparable pain as i? I hope his guilty can eat him alive.

 

This cord cuts eventually, you know relationships, they disappear when there isn't any truth to them anymore. I can't tell you how he's feeling or reflecting but I can't tell you this, he isn't being genuine with himself or with you. That's really all you need to know. I know that it doesn't feel like it now. It will harden you up a bit. This isn't a bad thing. It seems like it to people who are afraid of keeping people out. But the truth is, it lets the right people in. There will always be people who will waste your time, blatantly and inadvertently. Sort column A from B because we only get one trip through this life.

 

That woman had a BF, and he proposed to her a couple days ago, so she finally said to my bf that they should just remain "friends". I SOOOO wish I could email the fiance and tell him what a ****ing c*nt s*ut she is.

 

Enh, do it. I don't really see what stops people in this situation.

But if you are Hellbent on not doing it. Then don't. I guess.

[skyisfalling]

wow, that's quite a journey you've been through with your husband. I admire your tenacity.. and compared to my 9mmonth relationship, it really means nothing.

 

I wonder what he's up to, if he's thinking about me, if he's with that bitch. I drive myself crazy up the wall.. and then other times i'm calm and feel like i have a good grasp on this.

 

I hope that tomorrow is a better day, and its cathartic to write here on loveshack about my journey so i think i'll do that from now on.

 

I know tomorrow when i wake up i'll feel the lump in my chest and the world will feel so empty and cold but eventually i know i'll get through it. i just wish it didn't hurt so bad on the journey.

[dreamingoftigers]

wow, that's quite a journey you've been through with your husband. I admire your tenacity.. and compared to my 9mmonth relationship, it really means nothing.

 

I wonder what he's up to, if he's thinking about me, if he's with that bitch. I drive myself crazy up the wall.. and then other times i'm calm and feel like i have a good grasp on this.

 

I hope that tomorrow is a better day, and its cathartic to write here on loveshack about my journey so i think i'll do that from now on.

 

I know tomorrow when i wake up i'll feel the lump in my chest and the world will feel so empty and cold but eventually i know i'll get through it. i just wish it didn't hurt so bad on the journey.

 

Enh...

We get placed in situations sometimes that require us to have skills or fortitude that we didn't initially have. It's not like you or I sent a special request to have a cheater in our life where you the chose 9 month model and I chose the "years of marriage model" (Extra-strength). Either one would rack up quite the blow. Being blindsided tends to come hard no matter where you are sitting. The advantage you have is that you can more easily walk away and you were hit with this even earlier on than I was. My husband's issues largely awakened from anxiety over being "trapped" with a family that he wasn't expecting.

 

Not that he didn't want a family. But that he had some serious childhood baggage that he didn't even realize would hit him so hard. I had thought that he was the happiest, most well-adjusted man that I ever met. He thought so too. So he thought that his super-anxiety and cheater crap was my fault. And most of them do think either "Well if THEY wouldn't blar de blar blar OR if I wasn't such a piece of poo..... than I wouldn't have cheated." BTW no one sprung a baby on him that he didn't want. I was told that I couldn't conceive but we had always agreed that if the magic happened, we both would welcome our child with open arms. She was conceived just two years after we married. He went off the rails for awhile until he could come to terms with his own stuff.

 

Our situations might be different, but many of the emotional impacts in the beginning are the same. The confusion, the emotional roller-coaster. Trying to contextualize how much you meant to someone that meant the world to you. The anxiety, bad dreams, possible vomiting, mental exhaustion, crying, anger, resent, and sort of a "life and dating vertigo" for awhile.

 

Not many respond well to these types of things. Especially if you go "all-in" in a relationship emotionally. Sounds like you do. I did too. As we get older I find that we keep a little space to cultivate for ourselves. But not in selfishness. To give ourselves strength so that we can best be there in empathy and otherwise to the people that we love. Things like this foster that cultivation. At first it may feel unnatural, even selfish. But then you see the value of it. Cultivating your own emotional space that you don't share for even years with someone gives you a lot of internal fortitude. You'll pull through a lot more unscathed. You won't be bothered by mosquito bites because you have been through the swamp and come out the other side impervious to such things. (Ugh, the metaphor generator in my brain must be offline. )

 

Cheaters need to either throw you or themselves under the bus to justify it. Just like the drunk who says he gets loaded because "my wife's a total bitch, I can't that that sh*t." OR "Well, I'm just wanting to have a little fun, it's just a little booze on Saturday night." (and Tuesday, and Wednesday and Thursday etc....) OR "Well I guess I'm just a drunk and I'll always be one so that's just the way it is. Sorry it's a problem for you."

 

Just crapola over having poor coping skills and passing off responsibility for it in a way. Even "Admitting the problem like" like your bf is doing but doing nothing somewhat suggests that all you need to do is talk about what have done and everyone should just be okay with that.

 

He was almost cathartic about it. "Oh whoa is my cheater self, I have yet lost one for my foolishness. If only I had not brought her into my cheating crapola, I may not be in so my pain right now. Woe, woe is me.":rolleyes: Meanwhile they avoid the real issue. Stopping, taking full accountability. Facing those issues head-on. Figuring out their stuff and being a partner that they can be proud of.

 

You write that you are wondering about him and what he's up to. Don't check up on it, it only fuels the fire. BUT I am proud of you (even though I don't know you from anything) that you are pulling on out of there and not going back even though it's hard to consistently resist the pull. It's quite hard because when we get shattered, we crave comfort. That often comes from those we have strong feelings for. But in cases like this, it's like trying to grizzly thinking it's a teddy bear. Doesn't work to well.

 

What I did find interesting throughout is that many nights you'll head to bed scared of the dreams and the morning. And some nights it will definitely be tough. But then...some mornings... you just pop out of bed wondering what the heck the problem was to begin with. You'll make your toast, drink your coffee (unless you're a Mormon like me. ) and then just think, "what an awesome day."

 

Do lots of nice stuff for yourself.

What are you doing about your tickets? (I was just kidding about sending them to me, hope you got that).

 

Are you going to go out there tomorrow? Or are you going to give yourself a vacation in Porta Backyarda instead?

[skyisfalling]

dreamingofTigers,

 

Thank you for that insight. It definitely helps to hear from someone whose been there iron clad extra strength. Has your husband changed? I know you mentioned it was a long journey but do you see the light at the end of the tunnel? Has it been worthwhile for you?? I know you mentioned that its wise not to go "all in" into a relationship.. so does that mean dont let the relationship be you? How would you go about doing that?

 

we've been 2 days of no contact from 9 months of everyday talk. I miss him and i start to ache for him but then all these images come into my head of what he did to me and then i get disgusted and nauseous. For the past couple days I've been medicating myself with benedryl to sleep at night. My heart feels so heavy and i feel like such a zombie. I know that this is nothing but a small bump in my life but it feels like my world is over. I hate myself for caring about him wondering how he is. Im sure he's not in any shape close to mine, he's probably going about doing his **** that bastard. I wish he was hurting and dying i wish he felt the pain. When i cried in front of him asking him how he could hurt me, he told me he couldn't look me in the eye.. well **** you. i hope he dies.

 

I decided to forgo europe.. it was a trip that just wasn't meant to happen.. i was looking forward to it for months.. but who knew. id rather waste money than trade in my heart.

 

Thank you for helping me along this journey.. its such a rough time and i hope it gets better soon.. very soon.

[skyisfalling]

its been 2 days since it happened and during now and then i've received 1 long email and he's pretty much given me my space. I'm sure this is a good thing but i also wonder if he's going behind my back and messaging that slut again?? Shouldn't he be remorseful? At least attempt to show some guilt by at least making sure i was oK? Or am i just thinking out of bounds? everything is so confusing these days..

[dreamingoftigers]

Happy 31st 29th Birthday!

[AverageCat]

All I have to say is that: It's really easy to put all the fault into the other person, but you should look inside yourself and see what YOU can improve.

 

IMHO the fact that he needed to cheat means that you didn't fulfill him in an emotional way. You said above how he cared about you and he was affectionate but not one mention about what you did for him.

 

If he was this affectionate and giving and he wasn't getting anything, then there was a disbalance in the R which could have been solved by him only by exterior gettings, hence the cheatnig

[MidwestUSA]

All I have to say is that: It's really easy to put all the fault into the other person, but you should look inside yourself and see what YOU can improve.

 

IMHO the fact that he needed to cheat means that you didn't fulfill him in an emotional way. You said above how he cared about you and he was affectionate but not one mention about what you did for him.

 

If he was this affectionate and giving and he wasn't getting anything, then there was a disbalance in the R which could have been solved by him only by exterior gettings, hence the cheatnig

 

ONLY BY EXTERIOR GETTINGS?

Um, no. If you're not getting your needs met in a relationship, you move on. Or sit and talk it out. Cheating isn't justifiable.

[dreamingoftigers]

All I have to say is that: It's really easy to put all the fault into the other person, but you should look inside yourself and see what YOU can improve.

 

IMHO the fact that he needed to cheat means that you didn't fulfill him in an emotional way. You said above how he cared about you and he was affectionate but not one mention about what you did for him.

 

If he was this affectionate and giving and he wasn't getting anything, then there was a disbalance in the R which could have been solved by him only by exterior gettings, hence the cheatnig

 

Yes OP that is exactly true.

 

Since we are a race of telepathic beings designed solely to read minds and tell the future for the life-purpose of pleasing our partners only, you should take full responsibility for this.

 

We all know that our partners are like infants with needs that are to be nourished like breast milk from our loving, perfectly shaped teats.

 

Furthermore, since our partners ARE infantile, they must do whatever they can to survive and meet their needs on this desperate, nearly-deserted world, where no counselors, relationship guidance or internet forums for such things exist. Since you refused the ultimate, telepathic nourishment of his every waking need, he had no choice, no choice at all but to seek nourishment from the outside.

 

How could you not second-guess his every motivation? How could you not see his caring for the desperate infantile cry that it was? How did you miss the tears and sobbing in his mind when he telepathically projected to you his problems his needs, desires and desperate longings?

 

OP, it's like you acted as though you were never telepathic at all! For shame! And considering you KNEW in the future that he would have to hide his shame of having to look for his "needs" elsewhere. A man cannot survive off of breasts alone! He needs the release that almost comes with the blue balls he got. Oh how desperately alone and bereft he must have felt to float upon that sea of infidelity. Woe, woe to him OP.

 

You saw the trip to Europe you both planned for your birthday and here you were just living your life pretending that your relationship was what it appeared to be. Foolish you. The tide turns now doesn't it!

 

And still after this vast eternity of nine months where he's shown every ounce of commitment he possibly could before casting his blue balls around for his "outside gettings" you still refuse to forgive him. You act hurt, despondent. More concerned with the "emotional injury" and "betrayal" he's cast upon you. Just how selfish are you OP?

 

Can't you see that his balls glowed the colour of azure just a few short days ago. And that another young telepath was willing to keep your infantile, and "needing" partner warm for you while you did your daily plodding of "working" and "sleeping" and other such self-serving nonsense when you could've been watching him like a hawk to keep him away from himself. You should be thanking her for the help she's given you! My goodness. If only I could find a nice need-filling woman to keep my husband at bay, oh how that would be nice! Maybe every man should have two or three we a row of backups to make sure that he never hungers nor thirsts for any scrap of attention!

 

Like the unsupervised and constantly needing infant he was, HE HURT HIMSELF. THE BALLS WENT BLUE! PERHAPS EVEN CEUREULEAN. And just who's fault is that OP!? Who lets the man-child out of their sight? Who just waits around for their partner to say what is honest or decent or accurate? Just who in their telepathic mind does that!?

 

I'm beginning to think that you don't fit in with us Telepathic, Fortune-Predicting, Completely available at all moments, need-supplying, extra-responsibility-taking, blame-accepting people AT ALL!

 

I am so disappointed OP, so disappointed.

[dreamingoftigers]

Next you'll be expecting "loyalty" and "responsibility" or even "Adult behaviour" from a partner.

 

Or maybe even that they won't wreck your birthday! How entitled!

 

 

I'm beginning to think that you don't fit in with us Telepathic, Fortune-Predicting, Completely available at all moments, need-supplying, extra-responsibility-taking, blame-accepting people AT ALL!

 

I am so disappointed OP, so disappointed.

[dreamingoftigers]

I just found something interesting from another thread. Hmm.....

 

not even gonna read this.

He cheated. You dump him. Plain and simple.

I don't see the fact that he put his penis somewhere else as a big deal but cheaters are a no-no because you want someone you can trust and who has core values.

If a guy wants to sleep with someone else why not just SAY IT before doing it?

[CarrieT]

OP, I am really sorry you cancelled your trip to Europe - that might have been the best place for you to go to truly separate yourself from what happened, give yourself a great birthday present of a fabulous vacation, and meet new people.

 

Did you already cancel?

[MidwestUSA]

I just found something interesting from another thread. Hmm.....

Yes, VERY interesting! Thanks.