bf despised cheaters yet he was one himself..

[skyisfalling]

Average Cat: You are completely right.. now that i think of it. How SELFISH was I to not even Attempt to fulfill his needs.. i bring this upon myself for my bf straying and finding another to satisfy his needs.. because this is something I should have known and done before he went looking...

Can I give you a big F*** YOU? ahh, that feels better.

 

While there may have been some shortcomings from the relationship, that gives nobody the right to cheat. This motherfu***ing bf of mine wrote me a long ass letter as to how perfect our dynamic was and how he ****ed it up. I say good you piece of sh*t, i hope you regret it for the rest of your life. He has deep rooted self esteem issues which I refuse to help him with.

 

My bf bought my european trip for my 30th birthday coming up and he paid it all on his own so fortunately for me, i dont have any money loss.. except the pain that this was a trip i was looking forward to for Months.

 

Thanks for the birthday wishes!! I'm planning what I should be doing for my big 30th this tuesday, but i think with the recent events, I might just stay at home and watch movies with the genre men suck.

 

Last night he texted me multiple paragraphs of how he was sorry and that he ruined the best thing ever.. i wrote him back "I'm trying really hard to forgive you, but i also hope you learn to forgive yourself one day. I had an amazing 1 year with you and ill cherish what we had. i dont hate you but i hope you learn to love yourself. " and sent it off. after that, i got a floodshot of 20 different texts of "let me make it up to you please.. " "please dont leave me" "i want to make these up to you with my lifetime"

 

It hurt reading those messages and it still hurts knowing i still care for him and this was a complete slap in the face. Although cheating is one of those things you tell yourself you'll never overcome, i can't help but miss him and entertain the thought of giving it another chance. I'm so dumb and I'm so stupid. I think maybe the best thing for me is to give myself some more time and im sure i'll see things a little more clearly.

 

Thank you EVERYONE on this post for helping me through.. really, your words and your concern help me during such a difficult time.

[venusianx13]

Skyisfalling,

 

Your strength is amazing. I really wish I'd had even a fraction of it when I repeatedly took my cheating ex-fiancé back over the span of 6 years. Best of luck to you and I hope you come to realize your blessings, even if at the moment, they are disguised as pain.

 

Happy Birthday.

[skyisfalling]

Thank you Venusian.. that means a lot to me. I'm so miserable inside but instead of thinking like my life is over, i think its healthier for me to think its a bump in the road.

[AverageCat]

Average Cat: You are completely right.. now that i think of it. How SELFISH was I to not even Attempt to fulfill his needs.. i bring this upon myself for my bf straying and finding another to satisfy his needs.. because this is something I should have known and done before he went looking...

Can I give you a big F*** YOU? ahh, that feels better.

 

Go ahead if that makes you happy.

 

Yet I've seen same scenarios happen over and over and over.

 

Am I saying cheating is GOOD? OBVIOUSLY NOT.

 

But hey everything that happens in a relationship is somewhat a product of both partners.

 

In the case of cheating it might be 95% his 5% yours, but I believe in bettering ourselves and therefore think you should look for your improvment since that of this guy does not matter.

 

I used to have a friend of mine who had 4 BOYFRIENDS. ALL DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH HER. ALL GOODY GOODY BOYS. ALL CHEATED. WHY? Simple, the girl really needed their attention, without giving much. Now she was everything they could ever want, hot (probably a 9), good career path, great family values, but at the end of the day all of them cheated.

 

Every cheat has a problem in the current relationship, so look into that as well as another bf obviously.

 

In the above case, it's called something like self-rejection cheating or something, where your insecurities created from the relationship and from you investing a lot more than the other partner lead you to cheat.

 

Finally, most problems get immediately minimized if you create a balanced relationship from the get go.

[dreamingoftigers]

Average Cat: You are completely right.. now that i think of it. How SELFISH was I to not even Attempt to fulfill his needs.. i bring this upon myself for my bf straying and finding another to satisfy his needs.. because this is something I should have known and done before he went looking...

 

I knew that you'd come around. Welcome back sister. We'll all find a way to become more pleasing to our ever-so-delicate partners.

 

Can I give you a big F*** YOU? ahh, that feels better.

Oh my goodness, is that a swear? I hope that you meant to say "Fank you" to Average Cat. I mean, he gave such helpful advice, right.

 

While there may have been some shortcomings from the relationship, that gives nobody the right to cheat. This motherfu***ing bf of mine wrote me a long ass letter as to how perfect our dynamic was and how he ****ed it up. I say good you piece of sh*t, i hope you regret it for the rest of your life. He has deep rooted self esteem issues which I refuse to help him with.

 

Welcome to anger. Looks like yours is productive and ahead of schedule. Glad that you whipped right through denial. And anything that looks like defeat. I think you already did sadness too. Who cares that it's out of order. It'll go quicker if you cut him right off. It really will. Good for you. Really, honestly good for you. You are saving yourself a world of BS in the long run!

 

My bf bought my european trip for my 30th birthday coming up and he paid it all on his own so fortunately for me, i dont have any money loss.. except the pain that this was a trip i was looking forward to for Months.

 

Thanks for the birthday wishes!! I'm planning what I should be doing for my big 30th this tuesday, but i think with the recent events, I might just stay at home and watch movies with the genre men suck.

 

LOL, I dreaded my 30th, I tried to hide from it. My 31st is on Tuesday. It snuck up on me when I wasn't looking. I'm so glad to see that you are right around my age on not sitting on the fence with this twit. So glad, you have no idea. Perhaps one day you'll have a daughter and you know that you'll be able to tell her to drop a cheating doofus if she dates one and that you did and it was fine. Even though it hurt at first. Good for you OP for not tolerating the disrespect of a smooth-talking Johnny-come-lately.

 

Last night he texted me multiple paragraphs of how he was sorry and that he ruined the best thing ever.. i wrote him back "I'm trying really hard to forgive you, but i also hope you learn to forgive yourself one day. I had an amazing 1 year with you and ill cherish what we had. i dont hate you but i hope you learn to love yourself. " and sent it off. after that, i got a floodshot of 20 different texts of "let me make it up to you please.. " "please dont leave me" "i want to make these up to you with my lifetime"

 

It hurt reading those messages and it still hurts knowing i still care for him and this was a complete slap in the face. Although cheating is one of those things you tell yourself you'll never overcome, i can't help but miss him and entertain the thought of giving it another chance. I'm so dumb and I'm so stupid. I think maybe the best thing for me is to give myself some more time and im sure i'll see things a little more clearly.

 

Nine months and two major lies. It isn't that he isn't fun or nice to be around. It's that he has a pretty clear pattern of disrespect and covering for it. I can tell you sworn on an oath that if you go back at this point, it WILL be a pattern. My husband didn't even have the moxie to do this during the dating stage. These are supposed to be the early fun and carefree years. You can't recapture that.

 

Furthermore, he is even disrespecting you by doing this line by line begging. You drew your line. It's been drawn since the beginning. He got caught, twice. He used words without actions. Make it up to you? Like how? You can't make it up to someone? It's not an "IOU!" What actions has he said that he will do? Buy you something? That won't break the pattern. Has he said even one single thing about "I will look into this issue and get myself some effing therapy." I doubt it. And if he hasn't, he hasn't thought this through. He's only focused on his own comfort and not feeling the pain of loss. If he was focused on your comfort, he wouldn't be whinging at the gates trying to get back in. He would be saying, "what do you need from me to be able to make this work, and if not, I understand. I do. I love you and I'll miss you. I'll also wish you the best." And then he would back up his words with actions.

 

Right now all that he's doing is begging like a petulant 4-year-old asking for a popsicle at bedtime because "I whhhhaaannnnttt it!"

 

Thank you EVERYONE on this post for helping me through.. really, your words and your concern help me during such a difficult time.

 

You're welcome.

If you decide to go back to him, that is of course your choice. I can recommend some resources. But I hope that you would choose to find a more stable and fulfilling relationship. You are strong OP. It's hard to find those "restoring romantic equilibrium" urges to do what is long-term best for us. Very hard indeed. You know in your heart that you'd always be looking over your shoulder if you stayed with him, right?

 

I am only just getting slowly past that point myself.

 

Happy 30th 24th!

[dreamingoftigers]

Sorry if my post seems harsh.

 

And no offense was meant to any men in general, just the OP's boyfriend and the hypothetical "men" on the alien planet. Those guys suck!

[MidwestUSA]

BTW, happy birthday! (Was it 23, or did I read wrong?)

[skyisfalling]

Thanks Midwest! You're right on the money!! 23rd birthday for the past 7 years. LOL.. although my birthday is on the 11th thank you for the early bday wishes.

 

Tomorrow is my trip and i should have been happily packing my things getting ready to see the world but I'm at home watching anthony bourdain, watching the world through tv.. its so sad how things turn out. He messaged me tonight saying that he's going to go on the trip alone to punish himself. He said he wants to torture himself by going on this trip watching other couples and families have fun. He also said how he would be selfish to ask me back and he doesn't deserve my love. He's going to do a lot of thinking on the cruise and get some therapy when he gets back. Reading all this, makes me want to believe that he'll really change and that he's not a compulsive cheater.. ive been strong though, i've resisted replying back. Although he's been messaging me, I haven't given him an ounce of my attention.

 

Oh how i wish i could turn the love switch off and not think about him forever... It pains me to read his messages and it hurts me to see him in pain, even if he did cause it.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thanks Midwest! You're right on the money!! 23rd birthday for the past 7 years. LOL.. although my birthday is on the 11th thank you for the early bday wishes.

 

Tomorrow is my trip and i should have been happily packing my things getting ready to see the world but I'm at home watching anthony bourdain, watching the world through tv.. its so sad how things turn out. He messaged me tonight saying that he's going to go on the trip alone to punish himself. He said he wants to torture himself by going on this trip watching other couples and families have fun. He also said how he would be selfish to ask me back and he doesn't deserve my love. He's going to do a lot of thinking on the cruise and get some therapy when he gets back. Reading all this, makes me want to believe that he'll really change and that he's not a compulsive cheater.. ive been strong though, i've resisted replying back. Although he's been messaging me, I haven't given him an ounce of my attention.

 

Oh how i wish i could turn the love switch off and not think about him forever... It pains me to read his messages and it hurts me to see him in pain, even if he did cause it.

 

Yes because taking a trip to Europe has been listed as the #1 way to punish yourself.

 

Look, he may be 200% genuinely remorseful.

Do you really, honestly think that you can pull through this trauma where he's still contacting you and showing you "hey, look I'm flagellating myself!" After nine months and go on to live a happy, trusting life?

 

I am not saying that he isn't remorseful or feel "bad" or "guilty." But everything you've repeated about his contacts still has "him" at the center. He's a "bad person" who "doesn't deserve you" and is going "to punish himself" and "go yet help" so "baby, please!"

 

Even after you've said your peace and stopped contacting him!

Has he mentioned about the effect this must have on you? Tried to put himself in your shoes? See it from your perspective? Anything like that?

 

Or is he stuck at "I'm a bad boy."

Because that doesn't do anything but allow him to stick a juvenile label on himself.

 

Every (habitual) cheater I know splits into two categories: they either minimize and lie (we already got that one covered) or upon having that fail turn into the biggest, most cathartic dramatists. Almost Shakespearian.

 

"Oh woe to me, greatest woe of woes!"

"I do not deserve to be a slug crawling amongst the rocks and yet here I stood in your presence. Even your shadow cast upon me is pure paradise compared to the Sun of Hell in which I deserve to bake!"

"Dearest Lady how ever shall I forgive myself, it would be better to cast myself off of the highest cliff than to suggest that you should ever have to forgive for what I have done. Never should your pure and opulent eyes have to taint themselves with the image of my wriggling, grotesque form. Woe be to me forever my Lady!"

 

"So, um, you wanna to friends with benefits or what?"

 

It's like they shame themselves to put on a show. I'm not saying they they are "bad people." It just smacks of that level of maturity that caused the cheating in the first place. When I think of a four year old, I'm not kidding. I have one. If she doesn't get her way the first time she has been know to cry, scream, throw a tantrum (occasionally), say things like "FINE!", beg and beg and ask and ask and ask again (I actually have to tell her that my answer stands and I'm not responding to the question anymore, she'll also "bargain" with me like negotiating etc.

 

Whatever button she can hit to try to get what she wants.

Not at the point of maturity where she just says she understands and hopes that I'll keep an open mind to her request. (all the time, she's actually pretty good most of the time). Or that she can see why I've said know. Or any sense of much beyond, "I want I want I'm sad because I don't GET."

 

Because somewhere along the line they learned: if I do this, yeah sure I'm bad. But eventually mommy will forgive this and just freak in me or guilt me or whatever because she'll see how much pain I go through over this. She'll forgive me.

 

They just have to "feel bad enough" as a form of "penance."

 

My husband was so obtuse about this. I would discuss with him my trauma over what his actions have done etc. His response: "I FEEL BAD ENOUGH! I GET IT. I HURT YOU CAN WE JUST FORGET IT AND MOVE ON!"

 

That's the mindset: "I FEEL BAD, therefore I am "paying my dues" over this."

What the vast majority of people trying to reconcile want is someone who can look beyond themselves and their selfishness. Someone who can see the pain that they've inflicted and not see "oh hey I'm a bad guy" but "oh, whoa my actions really hurt you and I never want to hurt you like that again. What do you need to be okay?"

 

When does he realize his response needs to include more acknowledging you and less flagellating himself?

 

Well, maybe keep the flagellating but putting you FIRST there is crucial. It doesn't sound like he's hit that level of reasoning.

 

By the way. If you start reading about wayward spouses that come here in an affair, they usually put at the forefront of their posts something like "I feel really bad about this BUT" or "I know it's bad" or "I already feel bad ENOUGH so....."

And it usually comes FIRST.

 

Not "I've caused so much damage and destruction with my actions. I want to turn this around, what's the best way to do that. I feel really bad about this."

 

I hate to hammer this point in but I've really noticed a strong correlation between "here's how _I_ feel and how my actions have effected me. And here's how my SO is acting."

 

Vs the more mature and remorseful one, "I can see my actions, here's how it's effected my SO/relationship. I want this to change for the better for everyone. And as an after note or summation I also feel really bad about this whole situation and here's how it's effected me."

 

People really do generally tell you who they are. We as a species aren't great listeners though.

 

And of course it isn't a "hard and fast rule." I do notice a strong correlation though.

[skyisfalling]

I never thought of it that way and you are so right. The texts, the messages, they're really all about him.. how he feels, how he ****ed up, how he deserves it.. there is nothing in there that shows concern or care for me. And here I was actually feeling sorry for him!! I get it that he's throwing a tantrum because he can't get what he wants.. and i hate him for going to europe to punish himself. everyday my emotions for him change. UGH i hate having to even focus or think about him, how do i make myself stop thinking of him??

 

dreamingoftigers, your insight to this has opened my eyes.. and helped me tremendously.. really. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart to really helping me stay grounded in not replying to his "temper tantrums.." to really showing me what a selfish ******* he really is. there is still a part of me that is somewhat hopeful that he is truly remorseful and it would never happen again, but then I think of how he went behind my back and deceived me and it makes me hate him all over again.

 

I hope that by the time he comes back, i will have moved on and stand firm in my decision to walk away from this toxic relationship. I just want the pain to go away.

[dreamingoftigers]

I never thought of it that way and you are so right. The texts, the messages, they're really all about him.. how he feels, how he ****ed up, how he deserves it.. there is nothing in there that shows concern or care for me. And here I was actually feeling sorry for him!! I get it that he's throwing a tantrum because he can't get what he wants.. and i hate him for going to europe to punish himself. everyday my emotions for him change. UGH i hate having to even focus or think about him, how do i make myself stop thinking of him??

 

dreamingoftigers, your insight to this has opened my eyes.. and helped me tremendously.. really. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart to really helping me stay grounded in not replying to his "temper tantrums.." to really showing me what a selfish ******* he really is. there is still a part of me that is somewhat hopeful that he is truly remorseful and it would never happen again, but then I think of how he went behind my back and deceived me and it makes me hate him all over again.

 

I hope that by the time he comes back, i will have moved on and stand firm in my decision to walk away from this toxic relationship. I just want the pain to go away.

 

Of course you would feel sorry for him. You love/d him and invested in a relationship with him. It's hard to watch him suffer. Even if he brought it on himself.

 

The same way that I feel sorry for my four year old when she has resorted to having an enforced time out instead of taking a break or modifying her behaviour. It's a choice and as adults we are generally supposed to respect other adult's choices.

 

Your relationship and this other girl were two mutually-exclusive, non-overlapping choices. Once he went there, he chose it. By leaving you are sending him the very clear message that his choices are his responsibility.

 

He hasn't handled it well and has instead done what many adults do: they insert the idea of feelings in place of acting responsibility. As in "I will proceed on with feeling responsible and show you how responsible I feel." Instead of I will be responsible and take responsible actions to fix this.

 

Many parents when they are raising their children will actually try to modify their feelings instead of the actual behaviours. They assign a meaning to a behaviour and then get after the kid about the supposed meaning.

1. For instance getting into Mommy's jewelry box because there's a bunch of neat shiny jewelry in there. Well instead of setting a boundary around "if you want to see my jewelry, you need to ask. We can look at it together but it is disrespectful to just go and take people's things. Let's get it cleaned up and find something else to do for now."

2. The less assertive parent may just go the "OH MY GOODNESS. What are you doing!? That is my super-expensive ring, my stuff is all over the floor. Pick it up! Pick it up now. I'm SO MAD at you right now! You're so rude and disrespectful!" Later they might say "Oh I'm sorry I yelled and hurt your feelings. Maybe we'll play or something later tonight."

 

Now what dynamic 2 sets up is instead of outlining that A) There is actually a problem with a behaviour and that there is a reason that it is bothersome or contravenes a commonly-held principle, dynamic 2 automatically labels the child as "rude," "disrespectful" and really "wrong." So the child was doing something they thought was okay or interesting and it turned out that they found out it was "wrong" and that they were "bad" only because their mother completely freaked on them.

B) It sets up the child to not reason out actions and long-term consequences, but instead avoid emotional reactivity from their parent (and later their partner). They aren't able to objectively see their behaviour and the consequences of it. It simply encourages a "do what you want but hide it from someone that might freak out about it. It you get caught it means that you will be "punished" by the emotional consequences and "you are bad."

 

(Ironically my four year old went in my bedroom and dumped a cup of on my bed, where my schoolwork was sitting. So yes, I got to practice what I preach. )

 

I guarantee that this man has those issues. He's not able to draw boundaries for himself and is literally engaging in the behaviours of a scolded child. You aren't "punishing" him so he's doing that himself and making a big show of it. Sure he's hurting. But it has an expectation attached to it. That you will look at him as having "hurt enough" over this and that you'll give him the metaphorical "big hug" so that you can go back to playing together.

 

He might not cheat again, but dealing with those other conflict-avoidant issues etc. takes years. That is a very large investment for a dating relationship. If this is the pattern he manages himself with it will permeate many other areas of your life together. Think about it, certain totally reasonable upsets like him overspending or something turn into this "self-flagellation" instead of dealing with the issue, getting any empathy or making any progress. And if you aren't responsive to the "self-punishment" and giving him his "get out of mad-wife jail" card, he'll probably lash back at you.

 

This may seem really at length. But having spent eight years with my husband I've really had to heavily examine these dynamics because our history is so skewed. These behaviours are rarely isolated and tend to represent an underlying attitude. Granted I am NOT a professional. But quite frankly many "professionals" haven't had to live with how difficult it can be day in and out.

 

I'm not saying DON'T get together with this guy, but be aware, it's probably a gigantic, life-sucking headache. But hey, he'll be your gigantic, life-sucking headache. :love:

[skyisfalling]

please bare with me while i try to grasp this idea..

 

To my understanding in dynamic 2 the kid is essentially trying to "hide" what he is doing because he knows he's going to get a negative reaction from his parent.. yet he doesn't really understand that what he's doing is wrong? So does this mean that my bf who cheated, thinks that by playing the "poor me" card, he doesn't really feel remorse about what he's done?

 

This is my first time hearing of conflict-avoidant issues and I'll definitely google this after i'm done with the post.. but in the past when my bf and i had an argument, it was mostly him succumbing and saying he's sorry.. is this part of conflict-avoidant personality?

[AverageCat]

please bare with me while i try to grasp this idea..

 

To my understanding in dynamic 2 the kid is essentially trying to "hide" what he is doing because he knows he's going to get a negative reaction from his parent.. yet he doesn't really understand that what he's doing is wrong? So does this mean that my bf who cheated, thinks that by playing the "poor me" card, he doesn't really feel remorse about what he's done?

 

This is my first time hearing of conflict-avoidant issues and I'll definitely google this after i'm done with the post.. but in the past when my bf and i had an argument, it was mostly him succumbing and saying he's sorry.. is this part of conflict-avoidant personality?

 

Saying sorry is usually an easy way to avoid conflicts. Everyone does it. Does not mean they're actually sorry or that they "learned the lesson". Does not mean they did NOT learn it either.

 

Just means they won't the argument to be over and do not want to be judged anymore.

 

Real change has to come from within. You can't help someone who is not seeking help.

[skyisfalling]

 

I guarantee that this man has those issues. He's not able to draw boundaries for himself and is literally engaging in the behaviours of a scolded child. You aren't "punishing" him so he's doing that himself and making a big show of it. Sure he's hurting. But it has an expectation attached to it. That you will look at him as having "hurt enough" over this and that you'll give him the metaphorical "big hug" so that you can go back to playing together.

 

He might not cheat again, but dealing with those other conflict-avoidant issues etc. takes years. That is a very large investment for a dating relationship. If this is the pattern he manages himself with it will permeate many other areas of your life together. Think about it, certain totally reasonable upsets like him overspending or something turn into this "self-flagellation" instead of dealing with the issue, getting any empathy or making any progress. And if you aren't responsive to the "self-punishment" and giving him his "get out of mad-wife jail" card, he'll probably lash back at you.

 

im trying to grasp the bolded areas and seem to have trouble understanding. And i thank you in advance for your patience. How does conflict avoidance and cheating correlate with each other? And when you say issues, do you mean that he doesn't know that his behavior is wrong? He only knows it because of me getting mad at him?

 

Sorry, Im just trying to piece everything together and understand a little better all these things. Avoidant personality seems to be something my bf may have had, as he rarely talked about his issues or his concerns with the relationship. It was always about what i wanted and him glossing it over..

[dreamingoftigers]

please bare with me while i try to grasp this idea..

 

To my understanding in dynamic 2 the kid is essentially trying to "hide" what he is doing because he knows he's going to get a negative reaction from his parent.. yet he doesn't really understand that what he's doing is wrong? So does this mean that my bf who cheated, thinks that by playing the "poor me" card, he doesn't really feel remorse about what he's done?

 

This is my first time hearing of conflict-avoidant issues and I'll definitely google this after i'm done with the post.. but in the past when my bf and i had an argument, it was mostly him succumbing and saying he's sorry.. is this part of conflict-avoidant personality?

 

Sorry, sorry, The KID might not realize what he's doing is "wrong." And then get conditioned not so much to learn the larger idea of problemic behaviours and their consequences and why one acts the way one does.

 

As he grows up, he is more likely to avoid situations that trigger emotional reactivity instead of thinking of the consequences.

 

Of course your XBF knew that it was wrong BUT he was more concerned about the reaction then the "what and why" he was doing what he was doing. He was merely trying to avoid getting caught and metaphorically "yelled at."

 

He may or may not really feel bad, I suspect that he actually does feel bad, but he probably feels bad for making someone else feel bad. But doesn't necessarily attach it to: "I really effected this person by doing X behaviour which was inappropriate and beneath my personal standards. I need to at least learn from this and realize my fault here and take any corrective action I can."

 

He's saying "Oh woe is me, I am a terrible person for doing this and now I feel awful about it. Having my girlfriend find out what I was up to is horrible."

 

Because if it was the cheating that bothered him, he would've stopped and come clean. But it was the getting caught and "in trouble" that hit him first.

 

Yes, he knows it's wrong. It's hard sometimes to cram an idea into a post, come up with a framework to explain it and get other stuff in the day done. Sorry if that wasn't clear.

[dreamingoftigers]

Saying sorry is usually an easy way to avoid conflicts. Everyone does it. Does not mean they're actually sorry or that they "learned the lesson". Does not mean they did NOT learn it either.

 

Just means they won't the argument to be over and do not want to be judged anymore.

 

Real change has to come from within. You can't help someone who is not seeking help.

 

Yes, that is 100% true.

 

"Sorry" is a HUGE conflict-avoider if they aren't resolving the issue whatsoever.

 

That's a really great insight to catch this far out of a conflict-avoidant relationship!

 

My husband was the classic apologizer. But it was just to make things stop. Then when I realized that he wasn't really considering me at all I was furious. Because "nice people" don't keep "pushing the issue" after the apology has gone out there.

 

My husband literally thought that "sorry" would cover off cheating. Oh yeah. And "Feeling bad about it."

 

Adulthood is tough for those that don't grow up by the time they reach it. (I know I was late on that one too.)

[KatZee]

Honey, it's nine months. You don't have enough to build on. Anything short of 10 years or married with a kid, forget it. He has the fortitude of a gnat.

 

Seriously. Not enough foundation to recover before a betrayal. Seriously.

 

OP she is correct. I was with my ex 3 years and he cheated on me. Because of the years invested I decided to stay and try to "work it out." I read all of the articles you're reading, I made excuses, I tried to justify...

 

Long story short, giving him that second chance was the worst mistake I ever made. He wound up cheating again, this time emotionally.

 

You don't have any foundation strong enough to warrant a reconciliation from this. You're not married. There are no kids.

 

Cut your losses NOW.

[jlola]

All I have to say is that: It's really easy to put all the fault into the other person, but you should look inside yourself and see what YOU can improve.

 

IMHO the fact that he needed to cheat means that you didn't fulfill him in an emotional way. You said above how he cared about you and he was affectionate but not one mention about what you did for him.

 

If he was this affectionate and giving and he wasn't getting anything, then there was a disbalance in the R which could have been solved by him only by exterior gettings, hence the cheatnig

 

OMG! THis is incredible! Reminds me of my father explaining why he had to give us a "spanking". But it was more of a brutal beating. His reasoning was we were not behaving as perfectly as he wanted. We were human. Punishment never fit the crime. Noone is perfect and noone can meet your needs a 100% of the time.

 

My father was a selfish horrible human being. He felt entitled to whatever he wanted. But my mother could not be human God forbid. If you focus on a fault, you will find it. My 2 cheating sisters(one step-sister) the same. they would find real lame reason they had to step out. But everyone had to except their short comings. shopaholics,hypochondriacs,flirts,selfish,chronic complaining about what people do to them,me,me,me. But those people are so quick to tell you how THEIr needs are not being met.

 

Gee, I wonder how wonderful and attentive cheaters are to their spouse who DIDN"T cheat when their needs were not met! When the heck did the excuse of "My needs are not being met" give you an excuse to behave so atrociously!

 

None of my needs were met as a child! None! I felt no safety,was beaten for any small infraction,my heart would beat out my chest everyday after I left school knowing i was going home to a man who I now know was malignant sadistic narcissist,beaten naked with my hands TIEd behind my back, even as a small child. Self esteem trashed,insults to the point I could not sleep,crying thinking if my own father thought me so horrible, then how did everyone view me? But I was a good kid.Shy, but good. No drugs,good grades, lost my virginity in my 20's. A respectful adult. I would never intentionally hurt anyone. If I have an issue with someone I care about, I discuss it. If they can't respect my feelings, I walk. But as an adult I understand I have the obligation to treat others fairly.

 

I have 2 dogs I treat better than most people who claim to "love".

[jlola]

Sorry to lose it! Just that I spent my life around a culture and family members who think cheating is a-OK as long as they are not on the receiving end. If i have noticed one thing, it is that the more selfish people in my family are the ones who feel so entitled. Sure their needs are not met. Because they are so full of "needs" no one person can fulfill them. They cannot even fulfill themselves.

[dreamingoftigers]

OMG! THis is incredible! Reminds me of my father explaining why he had to give us a "spanking". But it was more of a brutal beating. His reasoning was we were not behaving as perfectly as he wanted. We were human. Punishment never fit the crime. Noone is perfect and noone can meet your needs a 100% of the time.

 

My father was a selfish horrible human being. He felt entitled to whatever he wanted. But my mother could not be human God forbid. If you focus on a fault, you will find it. My 2 cheating sisters(one step-sister) the same. they would find real lame reason they had to step out. But everyone had to except their short comings. shopaholics,hypochondriacs,flirts,selfish,chronic complaining about what people do to them,me,me,me. But those people are so quick to tell you how THEIr needs are not being met.

 

Gee, I wonder how wonderful and attentive cheaters are to their spouse who DIDN"T cheat when their needs were not met! When the heck did the excuse of "My needs are not being met" give you an excuse to behave so atrociously!

 

None of my needs were met as a child! None! I felt no safety,was beaten for any small infraction,my heart would beat out my chest everyday after I left school knowing i was going home to a man who I now know was malignant sadistic narcissist,beaten naked with my hands TIEd behind my back, even as a small child. Self esteem trashed,insults to the point I could not sleep,crying thinking if my own father thought me so horrible, then how did everyone view me? But I was a good kid.Shy, but good. No drugs,good grades, lost my virginity in my 20's. A respectful adult. I would never intentionally hurt anyone. If I have an issue with someone I care about, I discuss it. If they can't respect my feelings, I walk. But as an adult I understand I have the obligation to treat others fairly.

 

I have 2 dogs I treat better than most people who claim to "love".

 

I hear you. I have an NPD father too who makes himself the "victim" in order to justify victimizing others. He was (is?) and adulterer too.

 

EMDR therapy really really helped with the trauma and the anxiety. Also, it helps you in relationships because your baggage and fear of being controlled or abandoned don't get triggered unnecessarily.

[AverageCat]

OMG! THis is incredible! Reminds me of my father explaining why he had to give us a "spanking". But it was more of a brutal beating. His reasoning was we were not behaving as perfectly as he wanted. We were human. Punishment never fit the crime. Noone is perfect and noone can meet your needs a 100% of the time.

 

My father was a selfish horrible human being. He felt entitled to whatever he wanted. But my mother could not be human God forbid. If you focus on a fault, you will find it. My 2 cheating sisters(one step-sister) the same. they would find real lame reason they had to step out. But everyone had to except their short comings. shopaholics,hypochondriacs,flirts,selfish,chronic complaining about what people do to them,me,me,me. But those people are so quick to tell you how THEIr needs are not being met.

 

Gee, I wonder how wonderful and attentive cheaters are to their spouse who DIDN"T cheat when their needs were not met! When the heck did the excuse of "My needs are not being met" give you an excuse to behave so atrociously!

 

None of my needs were met as a child! None! I felt no safety,was beaten for any small infraction,my heart would beat out my chest everyday after I left school knowing i was going home to a man who I now know was malignant sadistic narcissist,beaten naked with my hands TIEd behind my back, even as a small child. Self esteem trashed,insults to the point I could not sleep,crying thinking if my own father thought me so horrible, then how did everyone view me? But I was a good kid.Shy, but good. No drugs,good grades, lost my virginity in my 20's. A respectful adult. I would never intentionally hurt anyone. If I have an issue with someone I care about, I discuss it. If they can't respect my feelings, I walk. But as an adult I understand I have the obligation to treat others fairly.

 

I have 2 dogs I treat better than most people who claim to "love".

 

Dafuq does this have to do with what I said.

 

All I was trying to say is that this R is over anyway, so look for ways to improve yourself. Focusing on the other person's fault does not bring any progress or anything constructive.

 

Focus on yourself (as in in your actions) ALWAYS and it'll be easy to see other people's actions as completely independent from yourself. Therefore it would be easier to accept a loss or a cheating if you were confident that you did the best you could do.

[jlola]

Dafuq does this have to do with what I said.

 

All I was trying to say is that this R is over anyway, so look for ways to improve yourself. Focusing on the other person's fault does not bring any progress or anything constructive.

 

Focus on yourself (as in in your actions) ALWAYS and it'll be easy to see other people's actions as completely independent from yourself. Therefore it would be easier to accept a loss or a cheating if you were confident that you did the best you could do.

What you said was

"IMHO the fact that he needed to cheat means that you didn't fulfill him in an emotional way. You said above how he cared about you and he was affectionate but not one mention about what you did for him."

 

My answer has to do with the fact some people will never be fulfilled emotionally. Some people expect perfection so blaming the "victim" gives the cheater an excuse.

 

What I mean is just because I never got my NEEDS met as a child and sometimes as an adult gives me no right to treat people with disrespect,cheat or whatever because someone didn't "fulfill me in an emotional way" copout. "My partner is failing to fulfill my needs" seems to have become a popular excuse for bad behavior and cheating .When does human decency ,empathy and respect come into play?

Edited June 8, 2013 by jlola

[skyisfalling]

I just got back from a long jog and I am not in a great place today. I see couples and families and it pains me that I once thought I would have that with my ex. I wonder what he's thinking I wonder what he's doing I wonder if he's hurting like I am.. And then I get angry. Angry that he violated the trust I gave to him.. Angry that he could make a decision to cheat on me.. Angry that he's in Europe without me.

 

I wonder when these rollercoaster of emotions will start to fade. I know deep down inside what I need to eventually let him go but why is it that I can't? I still miss him despite his selfish betrayal and I still think want him. I wake up in the morning with a huge lump in my chest and I don't even want to get out of bed. It hurts so much.. It really sucks and I really want to know how and when the agonizing pain will go away. It's been one week since dday and I feel like I haven't made much progress. I feel like dying:(

[dreamingoftigers]

I just got back from a long jog and I am not in a great place today. I see couples and families and it pains me that I once thought I would have that with my ex. I wonder what he's thinking I wonder what he's doing I wonder if he's hurting like I am.. And then I get angry. Angry that he violated the trust I gave to him.. Angry that he could make a decision to cheat on me.. Angry that he's in Europe without me.

 

I wonder when these rollercoaster of emotions will start to fade. I know deep down inside what I need to eventually let him go but why is it that I can't? I still miss him despite his selfish betrayal and I still think want him. I wake up in the morning with a huge lump in my chest and I don't even want to get out of bed. It hurts so much.. It really sucks and I really want to know how and when the agonizing pain will go away. It's been one week since dday and I feel like I haven't made much progress. I feel like dying:(

 

Six months-ish give or take.

 

But you seem to be processing it at an okay pace. And you're pretty clearly not torturing yourself second-guessing if you were responsible for it, which a LOT of cheating victims do and it prolongs their agony.

 

Cut yourself some slack. Brains weren't built in a day! And they don't heal in a day either.

 

No one ever advertises how long grief can take. There should be some minor relief around the three week mark. But yeah Hun, It's going to feel like you were hit by a bus.

 

Just be glad you didn't marry him. Then it's like you'd get hit by the bus and have to completely re-tool your whole life and possibly family too.

[skyisfalling]

today is my birthday! and I'm feeling a million times better than I did over the weekend. my stupid ex texted happy birthday oversees and his self righteous attitude it's so revolting! he says that he's glad I'm using this time away for my benefit since I'm obviously not replying to any of his messages. well no ****ing **** you cheating dick why should I respond to a ****ing cheater. ugh.. no remorse.

 

his friends have always said what a good guy he was and how I shouldn't break his heart since his heart had been broken many times before. what a ****ing joke.

 

happy birthday to me!! thank you for the support and ls has helped me tremendously.