A series of unfortunate events

[kickme]

I've been seeing an amazing girl. I'm in love with her, I have been for a while. She's a one off, right now I don't think I'm ever going to meet someone like her again. I'm 33 and I never have before.

 

We've only been seeing each other for 3 months, but it's been tough. She has commitment problems. She's said it and her Mum's said it. She told me near the start of the relationship that she seemed to 'freak out' after about 3 months. Well I watched her drive away yesterday, exactly 12 weeks to the day after our first date.

 

The first 4 weeks was great. We were falling in love. We both really liked each other and were really excited about seeing each other. But then she got impetigo, an airborne infection which got into some dry skin on her face from my stubble. A couple of days later she got a UTI which lead to her taking an antibiotic which causes another embarrassing ailment. Then the impetigo spread before she got it under control. Anyway she's incredibly laid back although she was annoyed at me, if anything just to have someone to take it out on. However I knew she didn't really blame me. So it all cleared up and we had an amazing night out. I was already in love with her and she told me she was falling in love with me. I was the happiest guy ever.

 

The next day she got another UTI. After that everything started going downhill. I started worrying that these ailments were going to keep coming and end up breaking us up, and I because closed off. I'm kicking myself now, it's such an unattractive strait I know.

 

I was just starting to get my head together and she told me she was applying for a job about 4 hours away. I was totally supportive, it's an amazing job and it will open up so many doors for her. It is her dream job without a doubt. Immediately though I realised that this could be the last nail in the coffin. She had to go away for a few days for the interview, and she was staying with her parents too. The night before she left we had a brief chat because she's noticed my quietness. I told her the reasons why, as above and we agreed to see how things went. However we never got a chance.

 

She got the job the day before she came back. She was so excited but my heart sank. She came back and the next day we had to go abroad for her friends wedding. I saw it as one last opportunity to try and win her heart back, but the whole 5 days we were away we were with other people, constantly. On Friday night we were both quite drunk and she told me she didn't think it was going to work out. I was gutted. Not only was I losing her but I was stuck in a foreign country for another 3 days with nobody I knew. I was so annoyed with her for not waiting until we got back. The next day I was quite drunk and emotional and said some things I shouldn't have. I certainly didn't mean them but it was out of order.

 

So finally we got home yesterday morning. We had the first chance for a proper chat all weekend, but it was just her saying goodbye really. I was visibly upset, I really don't want to lose her. I made sure she knows how I feel about her but I just don't think she believes me. She says she's going to miss me and is going to make sure we remain friends, but I told her it would have to wait a while.

 

So she goes away on Friday. This is like a bad dream. I want to wake up and she'll by asleep next to me. I know these aren't very original emotions, most people have been there at some point but I don't know what to do. I want her back so badly but I don't know how to go about it, or if it's even possible. I'm crazy about her and it wasn't long ago she was falling in love with me too.

[eleve82]

It's odd how people say that when men tell you upfront they have commitment problems, you're just asking for it if you don't take it seriously. Unfortunately, it's the same with women! I once read that it takes a certain special personality to get a commitment-phobe to commit- the kind that is willing to give it 100%, and then have the strength and courage to walk away when necessary to stand your ground for what you are worth.

 

The point is this: commitment phobes are precisely afraid to commit because they are afraid of losing their freedom or of sacrificing anything for a relationship. Chasing after them will not do you any good, in fact it may only justify their decision to leave further. With commitment phobes, you must be able to show them that you love them, can have a great time with them, but can also be independent enough to walk away with the confidence that you can be happy - with OR without them. Until you are in that place, most can sense when they have the upper hand and will not think twice about walking. It is only when they find themselves having a great time with you, and missing you (meanwhile realising that you are perfectly happy even without them) that they will realise that nobody is threatening their freedom and that being with you is by their own free will and choice. But until a commitment phobe comes to that conclusion his or herself, no amount of persuasion and words will change their mind.

 

In other words, it often takes an equally free spirit to "tame" a commitment phobe.

 

I wish you luck and love.

[totallylost5040]

Very well put eleve82, that's the SAME person I'm dealing with now, well except for the fact she kinda dumped me..... I'll take your advice to heart, actually I've been living perfectly happy now, at times I'll get that sinking feeling but right now, im trying to live my life, once they see that, then maybe it'll change for her?

[totallylost5040]

I am going through the same thing, KICKME, it sucks, I know.

 

But you if you want that initial spark back, you're going to have to show her that you CAN live your life without her and genuinely happy, I think that's the only way to kind of rekindle that spark back.... but it will have to be genuine.

[eleve82]

I hear you, totallylost5040. You can never tell if this approach will work to get that person back - but it is the one that will work the best for you yourself - if you can love and let go, honestly and without deception, you will open yourself to as many opportunities in life as possible. Commitment phobes tend to value their own interests before others and anyone in such a "relationship" must also show a healthy amount of self love to balance this.

 

One thing is for sure though, to deal with the volatility of a commitment phobe, you will need to be as free spirited and independent as he/she is or you will only drive yourself crazy and prevent your true personality and strengths from shining thru. It sounds like you are doing great though, keep it up

[kickme]

Since my original post, we exchanged a couple of texts initiated by her. I caved in and asked her if I could see her one last time before she left so last night we went out and had a couple of drinks, I just wanted her to leave with a better memory of me than those from the trip abroad. We had a nice time, chatted, had a laugh, and I tried my best to keep the conversation away from our recent history and managed to keep it pretty light. Anyway she came back to my place for the night. Whether that was a mistake or not I don't know but I actually feel better for it. She's already texted me this morning saying she's sad about everything, me, the move, leaving town, etc. I'm not sure if I should reply, I think I'll leave it for now. Maybe I'll write to her in a couple of weeks to see how she's getting on.

[totallylost5040]

I hear you, totallylost5040. You can never tell if this approach will work to get that person back - but it is the one that will work the best for you yourself - if you can love and let go, honestly and without deception, you will open yourself to as many opportunities in life as possible. Commitment phobes tend to value their own interests before others and anyone in such a "relationship" must also show a healthy amount of self love to balance this.

 

One thing is for sure though, to deal with the volatility of a commitment phobe, you will need to be as free spirited and independent as he/she is or you will only drive yourself crazy and prevent your true personality and strengths from shining thru. It sounds like you are doing great though, keep it up

 

 

 

Thank you Eleve, I'm trying to do the NC thing for now, but in about 2 weeks it'll be a month, I'm not sure what I should try doing, I've been talking to other girls and actually went to see a dating coach, who said I was doing very well handling this.... but my heart still wants her back, I'm not too sure how I should go about this, I know its patience, but at the same time, I have those images in my head of when we went on vacation and all that. I believe we moved WAY to fast for her since she's got an avoidant style of attachment, but if I knew that before I think it'll be different. The break up didn't end up bad or I didn't get mad or BEG her to try again. I did ask to try again and she didn't want to so i just left. Did you see my thread?

[kickme]

Today she texted asking if we were friends and asked me to help her out with something on the internet. It was only yesterday we said goodbye. I decided not to reply, or at least not immediately. She emailed about an hour later with more details of the help she required. I didn't reply to that either.

 

I really want to reply to her and after reading all over the web about No Contact, I'm still not sure I'm doing the right thing. I feel like ignoring her is not the right thing to do.

[Stay]

Not everyone is the same, no contact may work for some and not for others. You know her best so you should go according to how you know her too. She can be the person to be really upset about it or the person to not even care if you help or not. Sometimes she's reaching out asking for help just to get contact and sometimes it's to see if she really wants something again.. It all depends on who you're dealing with.

[Simon Phoenix]

Not everyone is the same, no contact may work for some and not for others. You know her best so you should go according to how you know her too. She can be the person to be really upset about it or the person to not even care if you help or not. Sometimes she's reaching out asking for help just to get contact and sometimes it's to see if she really wants something again.. It all depends on who you're dealing with.

 

If they want you back they'll do more than ask your help for a problem. It's her trying to place him in the friend zone more than likely, or her checking up on him to relieve her guilt.

[totallylost5040]

For real, I was doing NC, until last night.... got an email asking how i was doing and what i have been up to... thought it was genuine, but then after that asked me for something we did a while ago, wanted the pictures....

 

*sigh* haven't emailed back

[eleve82]

totallylost5040 and kickme.. my thoughts are this

 

NC is only going to be useful if you want to get rid of someone from your life! If you in reality want to keep things light-hearted and keep an open mind about the future with your exs, ignoring them only reinforces that either you don't care about them (which isn't the point you want to convey) OR that you are still hurting (which doesn't seem cool either).

 

Now, the point is this, commitment phobic girls are NOT going to be direct about their feelings and them reaching out to you is already a positive point (vs complete silence - this you can be sure is a definite sign of indifference to you - flirts will ignore you like a vengeance if they don't want you around).

 

You are going to have to accept that SHE has to be the one to realise she wants to be with you. If you want to open the doors to her coming around, you must be willing to accept being her FRIEND and use this opportunity to just be yourself and let your best qualities shine through to her.

 

Instead of ignoring her emails, tell her something that reflects something positive about yourself - for e.g. "Just letting you know I saw this, I'm going to be busy helping out a friend move/going to a weekend party/friend's birthday dinner so can't really help right now but will reply as soon as I'm back!" Just be cool about it! Don't make it a priority to respond ASAP, but also let her know that you care. The point is you want her to want more.

 

Note that I'm not advocating that you let anyone abuse your feelings or take advantage of your feelings. I'm assuming the exes in question are genuinely at a point in their lives where there is a deeper complex at play (fear of loss of freedom/slow movers/been hurt in serious relationships before, etc) than just attention seeking which is causing their indecision. If someone shows repeatedly they do not respect you, or care about you fundamentally, then they do not deserve your attention.

 

At this moment, if they are honest with you, however, and have been reaching out to you, going NC is just going to worsen the notion that even being friends has not worked out - why would a relationship which requires more commitment?

[kickme]

Thanks eleve82. That is some really good advice. Well I caved in and helped her out in the end but then intended on NC. She starts her new job this week so I think I'll send her a card to wish her luck. Hopefully a nice personal way to start communicating on a more positive note.