cristiana Posted June 4, 2013 Share Posted June 4, 2013 So.... very long relationship that has been a LDR for more than 1 year. We see each other each 6 or 9 weeks. I was supposed to be studying but I ended up in a city where everybody is partying and I want to party too because I never had to chance to do it before. I never had many guys interested in me before, but now I don't know what happened but each time I go out I have more guys interested in me, they are each time cuter and hotter, and I'm losing control... The thing is: I want to have my cake and eat it too. I think I wouldn't mind if my bf did the same. I would though prefer not to have these urges, but I don't know how long I can take it. I'm already having some sort of "naughty" behaviour (like grinding), which I find very hard to control. I can't concentrate on my work and I think about sex, making out, grinding, guys and guilt 24/7. The way I'm feeling now, I would rather have an open relationship, but my bf will be against it, because he is the shy type, I think he likes me and is also not very confident to go out there and get other girls. We're going to be together in a few days for a week, and I'm happy about that but terrified that I won't be able to control myself until that day... and after that. Maybe I'm a sex addict and I didn't know before. So I have two dominant feelings in my life: one of having immense joy/fun at the parties (many new friends, I feel attractive like never before, I love dancing etc) and the other feeling of guilt for feeling tempted and actually engaging in flirting and teasing with the opposite sex.... and the fear that at some point I'll lose control. And it's like... you love the person, but you wish you could make "pause", "enjoy", and then get back to the person. This only happens when you're watching a DVD, in real life there are really people that get hurt. Is there any way I could convence him of being in an open relationship while we are far away? Or how can I calm down - my bf doesn't even want to have skype sex with me? Should I tell him about the way I'm feeling or will I just hurt him and increase his mistrust? I think I can control myself and not have sex with anybody, but what if I end up making out with a guy or give him a few kisses???? How bad is that???? Should I tell my bf "hey I'm not going to have sex with anybody but at some point I might lose control and kiss other ppl"???? This sounds so horrible! It's like you're swimming in chocolate, sweets and ice-cream but can't eat any of it, or you're seriously going to disrespect somebody you don't want to. I just don't want to be a bad person to my dear bf Link to post Share on other sites
Author cristiana Posted June 4, 2013 Author Share Posted June 4, 2013 Plus... I'm at the risk of getting emotionally involved with a guy too (my neighbour). We were sort of promising to help each other since we are good in diferente fields, but I know he is attracted to me, and he is attractive and really sweet. Quite my type though I barely know him (just spent on the whole 2 hours with him). I met him yesterday and we chatted outside while eating fruit. I told him "accidentally" that I have a bf (so that he wouldn't get any ideas) and he looked a bit sad... We had a very friendly conversation and I could show some distance, but when I arrived home my heart started jumping and I felt hormones partying like crazy in my body. So maybe I should be wise and "cancel" the lessons with my neighbour before I fall for him?? I'm sad because he could be a really good friend, but my hormonal imbalance and overall vulnerability might not be smart enough to keep distant :( Plus we live too close to each other (though we could be safe having our lessons in the table outside the building in the garden and thus avoid intimacy) Link to post Share on other sites
Carenth Posted June 4, 2013 Share Posted June 4, 2013 Your boyfriend would be shattered if he heard any of this. Obviously the arrangement you guys have is not working for you. You can't really have your cake and eat it too if you want to be fair to your boyfriend. Some of the stuff you are doing already (grinding etc) is borderline cheating to a lot of people, hell even to a lot of people that is going too far when you are in a relationship. I know I wouldn't put up with my girlfriend behaving like that. Shows that you have no respect and care very little about his feelings. Honestly you really need to consider what is more important to you, your boyfriend or having the freedom of being single. Both are fine but trying to do both at the same time is really unfair. I noticed you barely even talked about your boyfriend just lamenting you can't go after all these cute, hot guys and that you wish your boyfriend would wait on the sidelines until you get it out of your system. In short it doesn't sound like you are very committed to your relationship. I would be letting your boyfriend go before you hurt him more. Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted June 4, 2013 Share Posted June 4, 2013 Break it off with your bf. You are not committed! Good luck! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cristiana Posted June 4, 2013 Author Share Posted June 4, 2013 It would be really easy to decide if I didn't love him as you say When we are together it is always great, and we have been together for may years and went through some hard times together. We survived hard moments and supported each other, but it is so stupid that my silly hormones are having this impact upon my behaviour and thoughts. I neither stopped liking nor feel less attracted to him. I know that if he was here I wouldn't really care that much about the others. Of course this attention I'm getting is flattering... but it would remain just as flattering instead of tempting. I am very sweet to my bf and I'm emotionally attached to him (though I recognise that it doesn't sound like that from my 1st post). The bad thing is that I realised know that sex and love can be different things. I want to have both with him, which doesn't mean I don't desire other ppl when I'm far from him. Sad truth! I don't really know if dancing really close is grinding... it's not like I'm having sex with clothes on the dance floor... but it is certainly not salsa or "Normal" dance either. (regarding that, my older sister who has always been a "good girl" says... "hmm many thoughts occur to me as you tell me this, and one of them is life is short, enjoy yourself, just don't go too far, because then you'll feel terrible about yourself and I don't want to listen to you crying for ages"). Ok... so maybe I should find a way to calm down my hormones and "enjoy the flattering moments", instead of "suffering with the temptation". Do not drink when I go out. Avoid my neighbour... maybe give up on wearing clothes that suit me well + make up... :/ meditate on my bed and think of birds and fllowers... join a religion... stop all the porn going inside my mind... Link to post Share on other sites
LittleTiger Posted June 4, 2013 Share Posted June 4, 2013 Cristiana, you posted on someone else's thread that you felt the same as her boyfriend in that you couldn't keep your eyes and thoughts away from other people while your partner is away. There are no similarities between the two that I can see. Your desire for sex doesn't seem to be reminding you how much you love your boyfriend and want him but nobody else. On the contrary, you seem unsure if you are even able to control your urges. I don't think you have strong enough feelings for your boyfriend to stay committed to him from a distance. If you did the title of this thread would be 'Heart wins over hormones every time!' Your heart doesn't even get a mention, so you might as well call it quits on the relationship and just enjoy the perks of being single. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cristiana Posted June 4, 2013 Author Share Posted June 4, 2013 Your heart doesn't even get a mention. Read my second post... above yours... Link to post Share on other sites
Carenth Posted June 4, 2013 Share Posted June 4, 2013 How about you try and figure out a way to close the gap between both of you rather than thinking about cheating all the time? And sorry I don't buy the hormones thing. That seems like a lame excuse for for your behavior at the end of the day you are the one making the choice to do these things. I understand people have urges but most can keep them under control for someone they love. Everything you have written so far makes me feel you don't want a relationship, which is fine. You want to be single but you would like your boyfriend to be around once you get bored of that. In short you are being selfish and unfaithful to your partner, you should let him go if you really care about him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted June 4, 2013 Share Posted June 4, 2013 You say you love him but your always thinking of other guys. No. You don't love him. You just know he will be there no matter what, and you are going to fully take advantage of his trust. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cristiana Posted June 4, 2013 Author Share Posted June 4, 2013 Read my post... above yours... And I don't mention love because I know I love him, as strange as it might seem. That's why I'm feeling bad and that's why I posted this. I clearly see that there's no way I can have my cake and eat it too. He would never want to be into an open-relationship, so I have to swallow my temptations, have cold showers and whatever I need to control myself. This is probably the hardest test since the beginning of the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted June 4, 2013 Share Posted June 4, 2013 How old are you? Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted June 4, 2013 Share Posted June 4, 2013 I don't think you're suited to an LDR, especially one with a partner who's not wanting to find ways of having sex with you when you're apart (ie skype sex), which is fair enough, most people aren't suited them, they are tough. I never thought about looking elsewhere during my LDR, nor did he, even though both have hight sex drives, too committed to him, what I have/had with him is more precious than sex with a stranger or FWB. What are your priorities, your r/ship with him, or sex with random people? Read my post... above yours... And I don't mention love because I know I love him, as strange as it might seem. That's why I'm feeling bad and that's why I posted this. I clearly see that there's no way I can have my cake and eat it too. He would never want to be into an open-relationship, so I have to swallow my temptations, have cold showers and whatever I need to control myself. This is probably the hardest test since the beginning of the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cristiana Posted June 4, 2013 Author Share Posted June 4, 2013 My relationship with him is more important. Maybe I just had a bad afternoon in which I felt dispaired. I calmed down a little in the meanwhile. I can control my behaviour (as long as I don't drink alcohol - and drinking alcohol or not is something I can control before I do it). What I really can't control is desire. I don't like to feel this way. In fact, I hate feeling like this. I talked to him on Skype and I like to see him so much. I'm not the sort of person who has ever had random sex in life. And there´s no one here that is better than my bf... still I feel desire and curiosity... craziness... whatever you call it. Have you ever heard of Exchange students namely Erasmus?? Yep... almost everybody having free sex and wasted every night and you have to tame your inside party monster... I know I can't have both things, but I wish I could (call me a person with no morals or no heart. I wish I could have both). Maybe that's because I started working very early and only studied years later, that I feel this urge of having the full life of an Erasmus student. But yeah... I love my bf more than just going to bed with random guys. It's tough: messages on facebook and mobile from the guys here: "do you want to go for a walk in the hoods with me?" NO "do you want to taste some Italian food that I'd like to cook for you?" NO "do you want to come to my place and we study physics?" NO Me drunk and attractive guy asks: "come to my place and I'll play some nice songs in the guitar for you" I'm very drunk but NOOOO. I think I still control myself quite a lot... though could(should control even more. What I can't control is desire!! Mad desire!! Hopefully my bf is going to be the only one suffering the consequences of this Basically: for now I'd love to party in peace, having fun without temptation; then be with my bf and be happy together... Link to post Share on other sites
LittleTiger Posted June 4, 2013 Share Posted June 4, 2013 I know I can't have both things, but I wish I could ......... It's tough: messages on facebook and mobile from the guys here: "do you want to go for a walk in the hoods with me?" NO "do you want to taste some Italian food that I'd like to cook for you?" NO "do you want to come to my place and we study physics?" NO Me drunk and attractive guy asks: "come to my place and I'll play some nice songs in the guitar for you" I'm very drunk but NOOOO. I think I still control myself quite a lot... though could(should control even more. This makes no sense to me. I'm in a LDR. I have been for three and a half years. We don't get to see each other for months at a time - eleven months was our longest time apart. I don't wish I could have a loving boyfriend as well as random sexual encounters and nor do I find it tough staying faithful - despite my high sex drive and my ability to attract men. I really don't see how this relationship is going to work for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cristiana Posted June 4, 2013 Author Share Posted June 4, 2013 It maybe works out if I go and live in a normal place, not in a bubble full of students from all over the world. Btw my relationship has almost always been sort of a LDR (8 years btw), but we would see each other more frequently than now. I never had problems to control myself before coming here. At the beginning I was an au pair for several months and had no problems to control myself, though it was hard to be so far apart. I had many situations before in which men would be attracted to me in the last 8 years. i might have felt slightly tempted only once... at most twice. SLIGHTLY tempted, not like now. Right now this environment is NOT helping... Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted June 4, 2013 Share Posted June 4, 2013 Eight years and not married yet? I think you have outgrown your boyfriend and he is more of a "friend" than lover. Break it off and have fun and then later when you are able to, find someone stable who lives nearby. Link to post Share on other sites
Carenth Posted June 4, 2013 Share Posted June 4, 2013 So I must ask, you have been in a LD relationship for 8 years. What is stopping you two living locally with each other. 8 years is a very long time to be in a LD relationship... I do think you have gotten to the point where you are bored of your boyfriend and want to be single which I said before is fine, but you need to do right by your boyfriend and end it before you go have your fun single time. I wish I could see my girlfriend every 6 - 9 weeks as it is I haven't seen her in person since the end of last year which is hard but I don't find it hard being faithful to her. I'm certainly not thinking about all the amazing sex I could be having with other people or being tempted by others. The thing is if you are in a relationship you are satisfied with it shouldn't be this hard to remain faithful to your boyfriend which is why I think there is something a miss here. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted June 5, 2013 Share Posted June 5, 2013 Not everyone wants to get married, even with 'the one', we're not all the marrying type, doesn't mean you're not committed to that person. Eight years and not married yet? I think you have outgrown your boyfriend and he is more of a "friend" than lover. Break it off and have fun and then later when you are able to, find someone stable who lives nearby. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cristiana Posted June 8, 2013 Author Share Posted June 8, 2013 I do think you have gotten to the point where you are bored of your boyfriend and want to be single which I said before is fine, but you need to do right by your boyfriend and end it before you go have your fun single time. I guess there's some truth there! Somehow my feeling is that I am having this "grass is greener" syndrome, i.e. I'm curious about what's out there and so on. On the other hand, I saw people breaking their relationships to have some wild fun for a while and regretting it later or getting back to their bf's (and the relationship is not the same afterwards). I also see my fear to commit and grow up The idea of having children scares me totally, for instance. Another problem is that in the last times we were together I felt we had really mismatched sexual drives, which left me with a feeling of being undesired and somewhat rejected (I didn't feel such a mismatch before). This certainly has had an influence on me liking too much the attention from the other guys. Despite these fears and doubts, there's a special connection there... and it quite often feels like we've just started... and we have the same feeling as in the beginning... and it is sooo nice to have this feeling after this time And added to this, he is great as a person! I'd like it if we could be with other ppl while we're far from each other. I'd like to try having sex or making out with other ppl (and he could do the same). I'd go on crazy stuff like threesomes as well... But I know it won't work in our case because he wouldn't want that... it'd probably be the fastest way to destroy everything. I hope I calm down after being with him... and these thoughts stop. I think that if he made me feel really sexually desired and we had great sex a lot of times, I'd calm down... (there would still be my fear of growing up, being an adult, having children...) Link to post Share on other sites
Carenth Posted June 8, 2013 Share Posted June 8, 2013 You keep saying you would be ok with him doing this stuff. However you know full well it isn't his personality type to do that, so you don't really need to fear that. Which is why an open relationship would be win-win for you and lose-lose for him. This is basically you being self indulgent and selfish. Have you tried talking to him about these problems in regards to mismatched sex drives? I know in a lot of relationships this can be a real issue and one that sadly for many if it can not be solved will eventually lead to a break up anyway. You also haven't explained why you guys have been in a LDR for 8 years? surely some of this would be resolved if you guys were living in the same area. What is preventing you both from doing that? I'm still of the opinion you don't want to be in a relationship (which is fine) and are being very unfair towards your boyfriend by doing this while still in a relationship with him. Either you try to resolve the issues you have with him and your sex life or let him go and have your wild party sex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Nerona Posted June 9, 2013 Share Posted June 9, 2013 Dear cristiana, after reading the whole thread one major question occurred to me: for how long have you been "suffering" from that urge to get sexual with other guys? As I think I know quite well what you are talking about. I had the same feelings quite in the beginning when my relationship turned into a LDR and it lasted a few weeks and,yes, although I adore my bf I was also thinking about an open relationship for some time. Although I knew it would destroy him to ask that from him (so I didn't) and I also knew that I probably never would be able to do that kind of sex-without-feelings-thing. So, after a few weeks I calmed down and never again have thought about that any more. So, if you've really got the feeling you still love your man don't simply give up on it. Try to withstand that urge (maybe don't get yourself into tempting situations for a while) and let's see what follows... Furthermore, is it mainly your desire to try new things (your bf maybe wouldn't be very open for), your desire for intimacy or your desire to make experiences with other men? Would be important for you to figure that out, wouldn't it Link to post Share on other sites
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