Divorce Busting Book

[SoLostWithoutHim]

HI

I read a good thread on here about the divorce busting book. I tried to post to it, but it said that the thread was too old to post back on so I'm starting a new thread

My H left me two months ago. I've already started 180 on him, which has made him pull away even more! I know that sounds crazy, but he's saying that I'm doing a lot more things now that he's not on the scene and the only difference is that he's not there. The only thing I've not tried on the 180 list is making myself unavailable and now I think that sounds like a good idea as I have been at his beck and call!

We've been getting on ok in the last couple of months and I really did think there was a chance for us to be R. I try my best to keep positive and upbeat for the sake of my son. I thought that the more love I can give him, the more he'll want to come back. By love I mean such as giving him compliments, any love that is acceptable in his eyes.

Today he said he'll pick me up from town and drive me home. I didn't think anything of this because he does things like this on a regular basis. He made us a coffee and we went to sit down. That's when the bomb shell hit! He wants a divorce and he's going to the solicitor next week!

I don't really think he's thought this through though as he still wants to be close friends with me and always be there for me, but he said he's happy living on his own in his one bedroomed flat. The reason I say that he hasn't thought this through is because he thinks the D is going to be plain sailing and I'm not going to put up a fight. Well he's wrong! He wants half the house and if my parents had any say in this then he won't get any of it.

I have been through this before about 12 years ago when he left me for another woman. My dad was down the next day, changing the locks and taking me to the solicitor to make sure I got all the house. My stepdad paid off our mortgage for us when he was alive and so my parents assume that the house is mine! In the eyes of the law though it might not work like that as my H has been paying the mortgage for 18 years, so he says!

I've not told my parents that we've separated because of the aggro it caused last time. I do not want my dad to interfere this time around. My parents are full on and as it's only been 2 months that he's left that I feel it's too much too soon! My H might have moved on, but I'm still in shock and grieving. I was doing alright when I thought there might be hope that we'll get back together, but now I feel hopeless again.

I've been reading this book called hope for the separated which I thought was a great read. It teaches you how to connect back with your spouse and have a better relationship with God first and my H second.

My parents are also very controlling of me and it took them a while to accept my H back into the family. My H still thinks they hate him and that they will support me financially when they know he's gone and they will be happy that he's gone. I don't think it will make any difference, but my H refuses to believe me. They would rather get a good solicitor than pay him for his share of the house. My H is also annoyed with me that I've still not told my parents, but surely that's up to me isn't it?

I really don't need this aggro at the mo. I thought of getting the book divorce busting, but don't know if it will help me in my situation.

Also I can't afford a solicitor on my own without my parent's aid. How do I know that my parents aren't just going to turn round to me and say well you're on your own this time! H doesn't realise how much I've had to fight to make my parents accept him again.

Can anyone recommend this book for me or is there another book that is more suitable for my needs at this moment? I am a believer that one person can save the marriage, with the help of God! A friend of mine read another book I recommended called love life for every married couple and she said that book helped save her marriage and she is now back with her H

[hayewils]

I just ordered divorce busters, should show up the day after tomorrow..I have never been a book reader but I want to read this one. I have no expectations of it saving my marriage but I wanted to get it for myself. Hopefully I can learn something if anything.

[SoLostWithoutHim]

I just ordered divorce busters, should show up the day after tomorrow..I have never been a book reader but I want to read this one. I have no expectations of it saving my marriage but I wanted to get it for myself. Hopefully I can learn something if anything.

 

I've now ordered the book and like you hayewils it will arrive the day after tomorrow. What a coincidence! I want this book to improve myself as well and it's also a last ditch attempt to try and save my marriage!

[2sunny]

Do you support yourself by earning money?

 

I'm left wondering why - as an adult woman - you ALLOW so many people to control your life?

 

Make your own decisions, stand on your own two feet!

 

Why are you looking for everyone else to do the action for you?

 

I'm not suggesting a book - you need counseling to help you be an independent woman.

[hayewils]

my book has not showed up yet, still waiting.

When it does, maybe we could discuss parts, bring the forum in and get more out of it than we could all imagine.

However, I am going to say something you may not like but, could be for your own benifit

I have to agree with 2sunny..

Do you not work? In my opinion, a woman who has the ability to support herself is a strong woman. My wife worked and she worked hard, she would pull her computer out at night and weekends and work.. I think, LOL

maybe she was posting her profile on a dating site as far as I know..

Anyway, I always found it attractive to be with a woman knowing, she does not need me. If she is with me, she likes being with me.. See what I mean?

Do not be dependant on someone else. I preach that to my children constantly. I do not want my kids dependant on another person. i want them to learn to take care of themselves.

It also builds self esteem and confindence. Cause when you know how to take care of yourself, you know you do not need to put up with someone elses crap. It makes you a stronger person..

This is not to tear you down, its only for you to consider. If your husband sees that you are taking care of yourself, he may want you in his life.

This isnt 1940-1960 anymore. Todays women that are able to take care of themselves, are attractive to men.. But, its my opinion, my wife is gone so may not hold water.. LOL

[SoLostWithoutHim]

my book has not showed up yet, still waiting.

When it does, maybe we could discuss parts, bring the forum in and get more out of it than we could all imagine.

However, I am going to say something you may not like but, could be for your own benifit

I have to agree with 2sunny..

Do you not work? In my opinion, a woman who has the ability to support herself is a strong woman. My wife worked and she worked hard, she would pull her computer out at night and weekends and work.. I think, LOL

maybe she was posting her profile on a dating site as far as I know..

Anyway, I always found it attractive to be with a woman knowing, she does not need me. If she is with me, she likes being with me.. See what I mean?

Do not be dependant on someone else. I preach that to my children constantly. I do not want my kids dependant on another person. i want them to learn to take care of themselves.

It also builds self esteem and confindence. Cause when you know how to take care of yourself, you know you do not need to put up with someone elses crap. It makes you a stronger person..

This is not to tear you down, its only for you to consider. If your husband sees that you are taking care of yourself, he may want you in his life.

This isnt 1940-1960 anymore. Todays women that are able to take care of themselves, are attractive to men.. But, its my opinion, my wife is gone so may not hold water.. LOL

 

At least you are more sensitive to my feelings than 2sunny is! Her post really hurt I am an independent woman, I don't work but I'm learning a trade as a beauty therapist so I can set up my own business, work from home and fit it around looking after my son who has special needs. My H admires me for doing this, but it's not going to change anything between us.

My H only announce yesterday that he was filing for D and is going to go and see the solicitor in the next week. Of course I still hurt, I'm not that hard!

The last two months he's been coming around here loads, we've been getting on great, speaking on the phone nearly every night and I really did think that we had a chance to R. BUT - as far as he was concerned he was treating me as a best friend and not as a wife. You best friend doesn't come round and tell you that you turn them on!! We've not been intimate since he left and he's not been trying it on BUT it's just not on to say inappropriate things like that! AS part of my course I do massage and when his back was hurting, I gave him a back massage. He was touching my knee tenderly and I had warm feelings for him and I am still so much in love with him still even though he's left!

He said on the phone a few days later that his back was much better, I said oh good and he said is that oh good that my back is better or good that you don't have to give me another massage. I said both as the massage is sending me mixed messages. He didn't understand what I meant by that!

The other night that he told me that he was going to see a solicitor, he said to me that he knows I'm strong and I will get through this. He said I'm starting to go out loads more with my son, I'm doing well at college, I'm going to be setting up my own business and losing all this weight. So no, me being an independent woman will NOT bring him back!

However, I am keen to now start with 180 on him. I will not be making myself available to him as much as I have been doing and i will NOT be best friends with him!

I'm a caring person and a carer to my special needs son and it's in my nature to be sensitive. Yes I am over sensitive to other people and I take things to heart. My mum is a hard woman and she's never accepted that my son has special needs. I've been brought up by controlling parents and you can't help who you are!

I am under IC at the moment, but the IC you get in the UK is very spasmodic. You only get it once or twice a month. When I am not under IC, I read books to help me grow as a person. It's hard to get any help in this country, you have to wait for 6 weeks for IC if you're paying and 3 months for IC if you're not paying. If you want a weekly support group, then you have to go on a waiting list, which I've been on for ages!

I'm going through a rough time at the moment, of course I'm going to be sensitive. My H only left me 2 months ago and the hurt is so raw.

I hope now that you can see where I'm coming from. You don't know me or know what my parents are like and if you did you'll be agreeing with me instead of being critical.

I look forward to sharing some of the book on here with you hayewils. I think it'll be good, it will be like having our own little book club, lol. I can't wait to start reading it as I feel it will make me even stronger and learn to cope with whatever life throws at me! I will still continue to be friends with my H, I just won't be sitting around waiting for him!

Like I said this is a last ditch attempt to try to get him to change his mind about D. I'm not asking him to move back in or R. I just want him to delay the D so I can get my head round it. Two months is not long enough to start filing for D IMO. He might've moved on and decided that he doesn't want to be with me anymore, but he's probably been thinking that for years and I've got a lot of catching up to do to get to the same stage that he is at at the moment.

[hayewils]

I also noticed your in the UK. Here in the states, when a married couple purchase something together, it becomes, "community property". Meaning, in a divorce, both parties have rights to it. My parents divorced in 1983. They sold the house as part of the divorce, which was ordered by the court. The money, after paying the lender, they had to split.

Everything purhased in a marriage is half and half here.

What you own before, is yours. As it is with my house. Its mine before my wife and I married. If we bought it while married, she would be entitled to half of it. I would have to sale it to give her, her half.

Its how it works here anyway.

[hayewils]

Gotcha!

Yes, I think it would benefit you the most if you start the 180. Mostly for your own sanity!

I tried and tried and tried to contact my wife. I tried everything and you know what it brought me? INSANITY?

I finally understood I was my own worst enemy and driving myself insane.

I feel much much better when I finally realized, leave her alone.

I havent done anything in two weeks and I feel much much better. Im not looking for that message from her anymore. I used to carry my cell phone everywhere, checking email, text messages, smoke signals. I was going crazy.

you must let it go..

Ever heard the sayng, If you love it, let it go. If it comes back, its yours..

I believe that. I love my wife enough to let her go if this is what she wants.

If she contacts me someday, i wll be nice and talk. However, Im leaving it all up to her to talk.

I do understand about parents helping, it is a very good thing to have a support system as that. My parents also have helped me through a lot financially. Its always good to know they are there for you, they are family and they love you.

But for your own sanity, go 180.. Be strong and do it.

Read the "no contact" also.. I found it under "coping" on this site..

[2sunny]

You're an adult - why aren't you relying on your adult self to handle this situation?

 

It's not up to all your family to make decisions for you - or is that one thing your husband didn't like in the marriage?

 

What was the reason(s) he gave for leaving?

 

It sounds like he may be cheating too, you need to start checking into that.

[SoLostWithoutHim]

I also noticed your in the UK. Here in the states, when a married couple purchase something together, it becomes, "community property". Meaning, in a divorce, both parties have rights to it. My parents divorced in 1983. They sold the house as part of the divorce, which was ordered by the court. The money, after paying the lender, they had to split.

Everything purhased in a marriage is half and half here.

What you own before, is yours. As it is with my house. Its mine before my wife and I married. If we bought it while married, she would be entitled to half of it. I would have to sale it to give her, her half.

Its how it works here anyway.

 

I think that's how it works here as well, but my stepdad put a lot of money into the house and paid off our mortgage for us. My mum, who's very money orientated, would be so annoyed at us if we sold this house and split the money in half. My H says I can stay in this house and I can buy him out. He said that my mum will buy him out so I can keep the house. I know what my mum is like and she will NOT buy him out! She will get my dad to come down here and find a solicitor that will make sure he doesn't get a penny out of the house! My H thinks this D is going to be plain sailing, but he is so wrong. He only wants me to tell my parents so that he can have half the money for the house. My H is very money orientated as well, he has built up a lot of debt on his credit cards and it's always caused him a lot of stress and put him in a depression. By filing for a "easy" D, he thinks he can pay off his credit cards so he doesn't have to worry about them anymore. That's why I think he wants a quick D!

He thinks just because my mum has money and we've been struggling for years financially that she should give us some money to help us along. Why should she? It's her money and she's entitled to spend it as she wishes! I've told my mum before that my H suffers from depression and panic attacks and this limits what job he can do. She just thinks he's a lazy good for nothing and she doesn't understand depression. She may help us if we help ourselves, which is the reason I went back to college in the first place so at least one of us is earning some money. She had resented the fact that my H has not been working and my H thinks that she hates him. She doesn't hate him, but like me it can get frustrating at times. This year however he's set up his own business and is doing really well now! Typical that he should do this after he left me! He also going to be getting a part time job in a supermarket. I just wish he'd done this ages ago! My mum is now really proud of him and although I've told him this he doesn't believe me.

It has also been very hard getting a job because of the recession and the amount of people that go for one job. My mum is very old fashioned and she thinks that everyone should be working 9 t0 5, 5 days a week! She still lives in the dark ages where men go out to work and the wife stays at home and looks after the house and the kids.

[hayewils]

I understand what your mom says and where she stands. Good woman!

It does sound as if your hubby is worried and looking for the easy way out. Especially if he is opening a new business. A costly divorce and fighting over property is not what he wants.. Definatly control and protect YOUR interests!

I would not let him think that mom is going to pay him off..

Get your soliciter, In the US, an "attorney" and make hime understand he can NOT do you or your mum this way. That should not be an expectation on his part. You protect YOU!

NOTHING, is free in this world!

[SoLostWithoutHim]

You're an adult - why aren't you relying on your adult self to handle this situation?

 

It's not up to all your family to make decisions for you - or is that one thing your husband didn't like in the marriage?

 

What was the reason(s) he gave for leaving?

 

It sounds like he may be cheating too, you need to start checking into that.

 

2sunny if you want to be nasty, then go and find somewhere else to do it! If you read my post properly you will see that I don't allow my family to make my decisions, that's why I'm NOT telling them about the D. I can't stop my dad from rushing down and dragging me to the solicitors. I can be an adult with everyone else, it's just my parents that I can't talk to. The times that I've tried to stand up for myself, they've turned it around so I look like the bad guy and I end up apologising to them. If you've never known controlling people like this then you won't know where I'm coming from! This is one of the issues I'm having with my IC at the moment and we're working on this!

It's not one thing that my H didn't like about the marriage. When I get off the phone to my parents, no matter what they say I'll go and do my own thing anyway! I used to complain to my H about my parents but I can never stand up for myself against them and I think this used to frustrate him. He would also get frustrated that I wouldn't ask for any money off my mum to repair the conservatory roof. If you've read my other post, you'll see why I couldn't ask for any money. She would say well your H should be going out and working and then you could afford to have it done yourselves.

He didn't really give a reason for leaving. He said we've grown apart but never in the 4 years has he actually sat me down and had a serious conversation with me about the way things were going. He might've mentioned things in passing, but I didn't realise how serious he was until he upped and left this year!

He's not got an OW. I've asked him numerous times whether he has or not. I've said to him that the only reason that people want a D so quickly is so they can be free to meet other people and remarry. He said that he knew I was going to say that and he says that there is no-one else. He said he's not bothered about other women, they are more trouble than they are worth! He said he knows that women say this about men as well! I've got to believe him that there is no OW, or it will drive me crazy!

[hayewils]

WOW!

Sounds like my own parents!

[hayewils]

I also believe women are just as bad, if not worse, than men today..

[SoLostWithoutHim]

I understand what your mom says and where she stands. Good woman!

It does sound as if your hubby is worried and looking for the easy way out. Especially if he is opening a new business. A costly divorce and fighting over property is not what he wants.. Definatly control and protect YOUR interests!

I would not let him think that mom is going to pay him off..

Get your soliciter, In the US, an "attorney" and make hime understand he can NOT do you or your mum this way. That should not be an expectation on his part. You protect YOU!

NOTHING, is free in this world!

 

I've told him that my mum is not going to pay half the house, but he doesn't believe this. I'm going to get some legal advice next week without involving my parents. When we're going through D, then I'll tell my parents and it will be too late for them to do anything about it! I know they will be annoyed that I not told them earlier, so I'm going to take the wimpy way out and write them a letter explaining why I didn't tell them before and hope they'll forgive me for not telling them straight away. I'm also talking about this issue with my IC tomorrow.

To explain further about what my mum is like, I'll tell you something. A few years ago, I was taken into hospital because I was throwing up blood and there was blood in my stools. My H said that he wanted to tell my mum, but I didn't want to worry her. I didn't know what was wrong and I wanted to know what it was before I told her. I didn't find out what I had until I left the hospital. I rang my mum and told her I'd been in hospital. She flew off the handle and had a go at my H for not telling her! I told her that I had told my H not to tell her as I didn't want to worry her. She didn't believe me and put all the blame on my H. This was very unfair! She is like that all the time with H, but I don't think she hates him! She used to treat him like a son, but ever since my stepdad has dies she's gone really nasty towards him. I've tried to talk to her about how she is treating him and how it is upsetting him. She said he shouldn't be so sensitive! She has gone really weird since my stepdad has died. She gets annoyed if we put an item in the recycling bin that isn't recycable, she get annoyed when I take a mug of tea up to bed with me, she gets annoyed if we've left a light on all night snd so on. We don't go there anymore as it's unbearable! she treats her house as a stately home and when we stayed there we feel that we are staying in a stately home and are on edge the whole time! She even accused my son of spilling a drink on a bedroom carpet, when it wasn't even him who did it!

Anyway, I must go to bed now as it's 1.45am here and I've got to get up early tomorrow. Thanks for chatting guys and see you on here soon!

[hayewils]

Found my book!

At the front door from UPS.

Will let you know what Ive read..

Sleep! And Sleep good!

[SoLostWithoutHim]

Found my book!

At the front door from UPS.

Will let you know what Ive read..

Sleep! And Sleep good!

Thanks I've got my book today as well. I'm just half way through the 2nd chapter at the moment. I'm trying to rush through this book before next Friday when he files for D!

[2sunny]

So if your step dad paid off the house - why has H been paying on the mortgage still?

 

Depending on where you live and who's on the title to the home - that will determine who owns the home.

[dreamingoftigers]

Hi folks.

 

I used Divorce Remedy (updated Divorce Busters) to help me through my crisis.

 

It was like a bible of information.

 

My husband had even moved to a different city when it all went down. I noticed changes pretty quickly though.

 

I noticed one that said she was doing everything BUT still making herself available. The availability factor was the biggest one I found actually.

 

I even talked to their coaches a few times. One said to turn down 1/4 to 1/3 of the invitations he offers up. Or contacts.

 

I started randomly ignoring texts and calls, if he asked why the next time I'd say I was "out" or "busy."

 

Often they just expect to pull the cord and out we come.

 

Sometimes it's too late, sometimes not.

 

(I don't work for them, seriously) but I would talk to one of the coaches. Chuck was pretty good. I wasn't a fan of Lenny.

 

Also even if the divorce happens, sticking to the 180 helps you navigate this so well. Just keep with your goals. Even if they don't come back, you will know that you have the skills to be a kick ass partner.

 

Another thing about the 180. Just don't talk about the relationship. At all. If he wants to file for divorce let him do the legwork. Offer no resistance.

 

Mine pulled the D card a few times (gawd, more than a few) finally I got tired of listening to it and just told him if he was going to do it that it cost $40 for the kit and $200 to file at the courthouse. So if he was going to do that he was going to but I was sick of hearing about it.

 

He was also pretty pissed about me "trying to save the marriage" through reading self-help etc. A few days later I just put all the books in a box and taped it up and put it where the trash would normally go and said if he wanted to learn more about relationships or whatever he could but I was done trying to find a solution to our issues in books. I called it "the arsenal."

 

He told me I could give them away of sell them on kijiji. I just told him that I was too busy to nitpick over it and if he wanted them to have at er or they were just going to be tossed.

 

(I kept divorce remedy in my car LOL)

 

But Gottman is really great in the "Seven Principles" and "Relationship Cure."

I think the top one for general relationship and marriage which I found so helpful was "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It."

 

Best of luck ladies! Keep busy. It helps. As does hiking.

[hayewils]

Ive made it to looking at the big picture, pg. 70.

Good book!

I can resonate with alot of this information.

[WreckedDan]

Read the whole book in a day when it arrived. All of it resonated, 180 is really hard especially during the first month. I was basically doing the 360? 0? For a whole month... likely pushed her faster awau from me... she said I did, though it was inevitable I thonk looking back now knowing she was having an EA that became a PA (or may have been already I will never know) I may need to read it again as I was still deeply in a fog, but I think I tossed it in a box of her books she was taking to goodwill...

 

Sigh,

Dan

[SoLostWithoutHim]

So if your step dad paid off the house - why has H been paying on the mortgage still?

 

Depending on where you live and who's on the title to the home - that will determine who owns the home.

 

2sunny, my H was paying the mortgage before my stepdad paid it off. I'm going to the advice centre next weeks to see what they advise.

[SoLostWithoutHim]

Hi folks.

 

I used Divorce Remedy (updated Divorce Busters) to help me through my crisis.

 

 

Thanks for the invaluable information dreamingoftigers I'll have to read divorce remedy after this one of it's not too late by then! I'll also have a look at the other books you recommended as they look good as well

[SoLostWithoutHim]

Ive made it to looking at the big picture, pg. 70.

Good book!

I can resonate with alot of this information.

 

I can relate to it as well, I find myself going "yep, yep, yep", lol.

[SoLostWithoutHim]

Read the whole book in a day when it arrived. All of it resonated, 180 is really hard especially during the first month. I was basically doing the 360? 0? For a whole month... likely pushed her faster awau from me... she said I did, though it was inevitable I thonk looking back now knowing she was having an EA that became a PA (or may have been already I will never know) I may need to read it again as I was still deeply in a fog, but I think I tossed it in a box of her books she was taking to goodwill...

 

Sigh,

Dan

 

360? lol. How do you do that? I think the NC thing in the 1st month is inevitable. There's too much hurt to be friendly with them. I wish I could read the whole book in a day, but I've still got a house and a son to look after and this D to sort out as well. Hopefully after reading this book it might give me some delay tactics. I need more time if he's going to D me. I've got to get some good sound advice first and at the moment I've got about 5 balls up in the air. I've got college 4 days a week, it's my day off today so I'm going to make an appt with the advice centre, as if you just turn up you could be waiting hours! My day off normally consists of catching up with housework, getting the shopping done and my IC this afternoon.