Divorce Busting Book

[SoLostWithoutHim]

Hi folks.

 

I used Divorce Remedy (updated Divorce Busters) to help me through my crisis.

 

It was like a bible of information.

 

My husband had even moved to a different city when it all went down. I noticed changes pretty quickly though.

 

I noticed one that said she was doing everything BUT still making herself available. The availability factor was the biggest one I found actually.

 

I even talked to their coaches a few times. One said to turn down 1/4 to 1/3 of the invitations he offers up. Or contacts.

 

I started randomly ignoring texts and calls, if he asked why the next time I'd say I was "out" or "busy."

 

Often they just expect to pull the cord and out we come.

 

Sometimes it's too late, sometimes not.

 

(I don't work for them, seriously) but I would talk to one of the coaches. Chuck was pretty good. I wasn't a fan of Lenny.

 

Also even if the divorce happens, sticking to the 180 helps you navigate this so well. Just keep with your goals. Even if they don't come back, you will know that you have the skills to be a kick ass partner.

 

Another thing about the 180. Just don't talk about the relationship. At all. If he wants to file for divorce let him do the legwork. Offer no resistance.

 

Mine pulled the D card a few times (gawd, more than a few) finally I got tired of listening to it and just told him if he was going to do it that it cost $40 for the kit and $200 to file at the courthouse. So if he was going to do that he was going to but I was sick of hearing about it.

 

He was also pretty pissed about me "trying to save the marriage" through reading self-help etc. A few days later I just put all the books in a box and taped it up and put it where the trash would normally go and said if he wanted to learn more about relationships or whatever he could but I was done trying to find a solution to our issues in books. I called it "the arsenal."

 

He told me I could give them away of sell them on kijiji. I just told him that I was too busy to nitpick over it and if he wanted them to have at er or they were just going to be tossed.

 

(I kept divorce remedy in my car LOL)

 

But Gottman is really great in the "Seven Principles" and "Relationship Cure."

I think the top one for general relationship and marriage which I found so helpful was "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It."

 

Best of luck ladies! Keep busy. It helps. As does hiking.

 

I noticed that you mentioned not to put up any resilience when he files for D. Does that mean not getting advice as well or getting my own solicitor?

[dreamingoftigers]

Read the whole book in a day when it arrived. All of it resonated, 180 is really hard especially during the first month. I was basically doing the 360? 0? For a whole month... likely pushed her faster awau from me... she said I did, though it was inevitable I thonk looking back now knowing she was having an EA that became a PA (or may have been already I will never know) I may need to read it again as I was still deeply in a fog, but I think I tossed it in a box of her books she was taking to goodwill...

 

Sigh,

Dan

Worldgonewrong wrong has a post about doing "the 360" in the last few pages of his "separation jungle" thread.

[dreamingoftigers]

360? lol. How do you do that? I think the NC thing in the 1st month is inevitable. There's too much hurt to be friendly with them. I wish I could read the whole book in a day, but I've still got a house and a son to look after and this D to sort out as well. Hopefully after reading this book it might give me some delay tactics. I need more time if he's going to D me. I've got to get some good sound advice first and at the moment I've got about 5 balls up in the air. I've got college 4 days a week, it's my day off today so I'm going to make an appt with the advice centre, as if you just turn up you could be waiting hours! My day off normally consists of catching up with housework, getting the shopping done and my IC this afternoon.

 

Stop Your Divorce with the The Last Resort Technique ? Married Life from Hitched - Social network for married couples

 

The "360" is kind of a joke. It means that you stay stuck begging your spouse and being depressed. Never go "360."

 

Of the spouses that get their spouse back and the ones that don't, one crucial difference that I notice is that the ones that don't thriw in the towel earlier, even if their getting some positive signs.

 

One guy got to move back in his house with his W and then took off on out again when she started "testing" him. Then he wrote up this big blurb about how he done everything he possibly could. She was just unreasonable blah blah. But the truth was he shifted back to the coping meachnism that got him separated in the first place, spent months trying to reverse the damage from that. Got back IN THE HOUSE and then tossed it!

 

Any positive is good. It is motion toward where you are trying to get to.

And don't TELL your spouse "I'm giving you space, I'm not begging you, I'm CHANGING in the following ways:" no matter How tempting. Let then SEE the changes and DO NOT take the bait for arguments. BIGGEST THING. If they are leaning right on your "blow up button" leave the room totally chill.

 

THEY NEED to prove to themselves that they "fight all of the time" with you and that "you are unreasonable."

 

If they start being the only one acting volcano-like, they start to see it quick.

 

Don't respond to rude texts/or messages. Anything that baits or insults you or manipulates you just doesn't exist. You aren't going to play their little-kid-teasing game.

[dreamingoftigers]

I noticed that you mentioned not to put up any resilience when he files for D. Does that mean not getting advice as well or getting my own solicitor?

 

I would say, yes, get one.

But don't be like "oh honey no, please don't file. I'll change. We'll go to marital counseling and take a vacation together in Mexico!"

 

Protect yourself but don't up the ante. And don't cave thinking that you'll save the marriage that way.

 

IMHO, in general men are more likely to bounce back from the filing stage than women.

 

What's his reasoning for wanting D?

Is it an OW?

[SoLostWithoutHim]

I would say, yes, get one.

But don't be like "oh honey no, please don't file. I'll change. We'll go to marital counseling and take a vacation together in Mexico!"

 

Protect yourself but don't up the ante. And don't cave thinking that you'll save the marriage that way.

 

IMHO, in general men are more likely to bounce back from the filing stage than women.

 

What's his reasoning for wanting D?

Is it an OW?

 

He says that there's not an OW and that he knew I would think that! He says he just wants to move on and what's the point of delaying it any longer. I have told him that I think it's too soon as it's only been 2 months since he left, but he said he's made up his mind and he wants out of this marriage. I promise you I'm not that bad to live with, lol.

[SoLostWithoutHim]

Worldgonewrong wrong has a post about doing "the 360" in the last few pages of his "separation jungle" thread.

 

Please could you send me the link to the page as I can't find it, thanks

[dreamingoftigers]

He says that there's not an OW and that he knew I would think that! He says he just wants to move on and what's the point of delaying it any longer. I have told him that I think it's too soon as it's only been 2 months since he left, but he said he's made up his mind and he wants out of this marriage. I promise you I'm not that bad to live with, lol.

 

The bolded is his argument. The italicized is your counter-claim.

 

Don't bother uttering those words to him for at least the next 90 days.

 

I am not being harsh, you, in fact are probably 200% right and he's probably exasperated for whatever reason.

 

I can only guarantee you that the more counter-arguments you come up with, the more he'll cement his position because you don't "respect his feelings/are needy/clingy/too damn musical" whatever.

 

Think of it like a marital grave, every time you disagree with his take on the matter, he pulls out another shovelful of dirt just to make a point.

 

When a couple has lost track of team-building for whatever reason, they start to tug of war against one another until someone lets of the rope and walks away. If you hold on to the rope but let it slack, he'll think that he's won. But the game will be over (as far as he can tell).

 

And just like every kid on every playground in history, it's only so much fun to win..... but it isn't as fun to play by yourself. Oh sure, you can go exploring in the trees or what have you, but eventually you are going to want a friend. Even if the last game wasn't very much fun, you're more likely to go back to a playmate that knows the games and the rules instead of trying to teach it to someone all new again.

 

It's tougher to try to find someone new to play with as an adult.

 

So don't quit the tug of war altogether, just let him think you've dropped the rope. He may come closer to check if you actually did or not.

[dreamingoftigers]

Please could you send me the link to the page as I can't find it, thanks

 

Okay, the 360 was a literal joke that WGW made. So DON'T do what's on that list, unless you want to fast-track your divorce!

 

Just for gits & shiggles, here's the 360 (the diametric opposite of the 180):

 

Beg and implore like a heartsick puppy.

Call frequently.

Keep pointing to your wedding photo.

Follow her/him around the house.

Encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

Ask for help from the family members of your WS.

Ask for reassurances.

Go broke buying your WS gifts.

Schedule dates together.

Keep saying, "I Love You!" even if your WS wouldn't pee on you if you were on fire.

Don't move on with your life.

Be morbid, depressed, sulky.

Sit around waiting on your spouse - stay in, do nothing, blow off your friends, let old hobbies fall by the wayside!

When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) keep talking and filibuster into the wee hours of the morning!

If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ask.

Your partner needs to believe that you are incapable of being awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are stuck, hopeless without them!

Be nasty, angry or even cold.

No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse your big pouty face.

Pepper your spouse with questions about the marriage!

Lose your cool, often!

Be ridiculously chirpy.

Argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, argue incessentally!

Don't listen to a word your spouse says!

Think of witty, cutting rejoinders.

Drink, smoke, make insomnia your new friend.

Fall apart in despair frequently.

Know that if you can do this 360, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write; your wayward spouse will see you for the unstable loon you really are.

Be openly desperate or needy.

Focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. Flex your muscles and ask her if she likes your "guns".

Believe everything your wayward spouse says.

Surrender all hope.

Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message that you're mentally stunted.

When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Do the thumbs-up/down thing that Julius Caesar used to do before feeding Christians to the lions.

[dreamingoftigers]

I did provide a link to the 180 on post #28 of this thread.

[SoLostWithoutHim]

I did provide a link to the 180 on post #28 of this thread.

 

I got that link thanks The 360 is so funny, thanks for sharing that with me

You made some good points in your post earlier Unfortunately, I've not got 90 days, he's going to see a solicitor next Friday.

My IC said today that I should ask him to delay going to see the solicitor by 4 weeks so I can finish my college course without having to worry about the D. I'm going to need some legal advice and I've not got a lot of time at the moment with college and appts. My week is booked up next week, I've not got time to even go to the toilet! lol Do you think he'll agree to this?

Also he had a letter come through today regarding his benefits. When I asked him why he hadn't changed them over to his new address, he said that he gets more money if they think he's still living with me. If he's going to file for D, then he'll lose that money. I want to go to the benefits office to sort out my benefits in my own right whilst I'm still at college.

Both of these things I've got to do are going to cause upset to my H. You said earlier that I've got to drop the rope, so how do I go about these two points?

My IC also said I should write a letter to my parents telling them what is going on. She said that if I want she'll have a look at them next Friday when she's over. She said that way I've got control back over when my H can D me, as at the moment he is blackmailing me and saying that if I don't sign the D papers he will tell my parents and he'll tell them that I've kicked him out not that he's left me.

[WreckedDan]

Yeah, sad to say that when this all started for me i totally panicked and did around 90% of the 360° plan... not intentionaly, but just reacted instinctively to hold on as tighly as I could to what I was losing... she has made a comment about that saying that at first she just needed space and that my actions sped her decision to leave. Of course it was inevitable as she took her EA became a PA almost right away, if not before then. The 180 is a great tool to keep your sanity and get you on your track to healing. Will it save things? Likely not, seems to me that anyone who says thry are done, are done. Not saying it's not possible but anything you do outside the 180 gives them validation in thier new screwed up mind set. When you say I love you, they hear "I am not capable of loving myself" so they feel like "why should I waste time on somone who's not as healthy as the next person I'm gong to be with"

 

My sad little 2©

Dan

[dreamingoftigers]

I did provide a link to the 180 on post #28 of this thread.

 

I found that the 180 had a bunch of "don't do this/don't do that"

 

So I made a list of "here is what you do" to make it sound more positive and empowering. It's a couple years old, and I altered it myself to fit my situation, so use it as a kind of template, not a hard-and-fast rule. I added a couple things at the end to remind myself of too.

 

Keep phone calls to strictly business

Fully support separation

Workout everyday

No more invites to him - period!

Find other discussion talks aside from communication issues, our living circumstance, addiction and marriage

Keep feelings and reflections to yourself: journal or share with a friend

Give your spouse full independence

Everytime you wish to buy them a little gift, buy something for yourself instead

Find whatever means to distract yourself from the situation at hand.

Email and correspond with others, keep things positive

Focus only on the present

Focus on what you can do

Reassure yourself that everything is going to be okay no matter what happens

Make sure that your schedules don't correspond

Schedule lots of fun/necessary activities for yourself/[child]/friends

Find something more entertaining and inspiring to watch then [husband's name]'s activities

Snap the rubber band on your wrist every time you feel like contacting him or when you find yourself dwelling on him

Accept some invites but not all (perhaps 2/3 to 3/4)

Accommodate your own schedule first and foremost

Accommodate your own finances first and foremost

Ignore all testing behaviors and DON'T TAKE THE BAIT

PERSEVERE

STAY STRONG AND CONSISTENT

 

I also learned a nice technique to help look at things more positively. Keep a journal but only write down the positive things that happened that day. Even if it is "the Sun came up today."

 

Write out the things that you ARE grateful for. I remember when I first heard this that I thought "well what about all of the bad stuff, just forget that?" Then I thought about it and realized, "why the Hell would I want to remember it anyhow?":laugh:

 

So I started to do that, and it shifted things inside me. It had me looking for the positives which turned out could be endless if I applied myself.

 

Also, have a starting point and a goal Accurately rate where you're marriage is now. I used percents. I remember telling the divorce coach that my marriage was at something like "1." And he said, " what can get it to 2?" So I started thinking like that.

 

One day it was actually at 0.05. One day it was at 0.01. The day after that I put down that it was at 0.02. Then I looked at it again: the quality of my marriage had doubled in just one day!

 

I mean, of course that wasn't exactly my goal(0.02% LOL). But if I could get the trend to continue I would have a perfect (100% marriage) in two weeks! Of course you have to have a sense of humor about things.

 

I have seen people stop and give up at 5 & 7. Some it dips to 2 and they quit. I was celebrating at 0.02 and I knew that if I had an attitude that positive that in a larger sense it didn't matter if my husband came back or not. I was going to be happy and he would be a fool to pass on a partner so optimistic, dedicated and disciplined. I had what it took.

 

I'm not saying to stay in the game at 0.01, in fact, have an exit point if you go into this. Decide exactly where you red line is.

 

I set the bar high for myself. I was going to do everything that I could to clean up the marriage on my end and help my husband with the things that he needed but was not going to be able to financially, physically or emotionally reach. But ONLY because I was married to him and that was my vow. In other words, I wouldn't bail him out of jail if he did something stupid and got arrested (he hasn't). But I would raise money for treatment if he was willing and dedicated enough to go. If not for him at all, then for our daughter to have the possibility of a functional Dad. I would also not pressure him to do any treatment etc. He would have that choice, but I put money down on a place and he could make up his mind if/when he was going to go.

 

I also decided that I would not divorce unless I was 100% sure that I wanted to for 30 days in a row. That means even if he filed, or it was completed, I wouldn't let it drop altogether or move on unless I could see or feel that it wasn't benefiting me or it was causing me trouble for 30 days solid.

 

There were days I was 80% sure, 90% sure. I think I had a string on 98% there for a bit. The highest I ever got was six days of 100%.

 

Let's just say that it was a good thing that I set my Red Line early.

 

I also had an exit strategy of what I would need in place before I filed. In my case it was money and I wanted to lose some weight first. I had the numbers written down but never you mind that.

 

I also wanted to pursue some IC or something.

 

I just really mapped out where I was, what direction I wanted to go in, what that would look like and envisioned what I would need to do to get there.

 

You remember that tug of war analogy? Well when someone has filed for divorce often the only direction they see is OUT. But not where they are going to. They can see what they are running away from but often not what they are running toward. So it's almost like they are in a free fall or aren't 100% sure about the direction. If you have a direction while they are in free-fall you are going to look very well grounded. If you are chasing them while they are in free-fall, you're going to look nuts enough to follow someone off of a cliff, because you just did. And neither one of you knows where the landing is.

 

So, the divorce coach told me, "your husband has these addictions/emotional issues etc. If he was on that substance etc, would you give him the keys to drive your car?"

 

I said: "Oh Hell no."

 

He said: "Then why would you give him the keys to the marriage? He isn't thinking clearly."

 

Bang on. So even if my husband ran out and got the piece of paper and made his grand statement, that really didn't affect me or my life goals. In fact I don't even need my husband in particular to be married. In this society one can find a new husband. However I actively chose him and chose my family unit. So with that in mind, I dedicated to my marriage, Hell or High Water, even past the date when I filed for sole custody of my daughter and my husband had moved to another city. He couldn't take the keys away from me.

 

So eventually, the phone conversations picked up a bit after long periods of silence. They got better and then he asked me to move up to where he was living. I told him flat-out no. My friends, supports etc etc and all of my activities were here. My 180 had gone so well that I wasn't about to uproot us to go live separately in a town I didn't know that well because he was happy there. I had moved with him all over the country 5-6 different towns since being with him, part of my 180 was not moving again for one of his pipe dreams. And not making him my only social outlet. He was super-pissed and things went silent for a bit.

 

Then he visited. And that's where things picked up. Sometimes they just need space. Sometimes they need 1000 km of space even. Just to clear their heads and find out that OUT may not be the best direction and that IN doesn't look so bad from far away.

[SoLostWithoutHim]

Yeah, sad to say that when this all started for me i totally panicked and did around 90% of the 360° plan... not intentionaly, but just reacted instinctively to hold on as tighly as I could to what I was losing... she has made a comment about that saying that at first she just needed space and that my actions sped her decision to leave. Of course it was inevitable as she took her EA became a PA almost right away, if not before then. The 180 is a great tool to keep your sanity and get you on your track to healing. Will it save things? Likely not, seems to me that anyone who says thry are done, are done. Not saying it's not possible but anything you do outside the 180 gives them validation in thier new screwed up mind set. When you say I love you, they hear "I am not capable of loving myself" so they feel like "why should I waste time on somone who's not as healthy as the next person I'm gong to be with"

 

My sad little 2©

Dan

 

This is so true! Sad to say I did some of the 360 as well! When he first left, he could only be contacted by text as he wouldn't speak to me on the phone. You can imagine what I said to him! I did everything the experts say not to do!

I thought I was doing ok and started treating him as a friend. I didn't argue with him, didn't beg or plead for him to come back, etc. Last Tuesdays bombshell when he told me he wanted a divorce made me go 360 on him again! I did apologise on the phone afterwards and told him it was just a shock that's all! He mentioned earlier that he'll cut the grass. initially I said no it's ok, I don't need any help from you, then afterwards when I spoke to him again I asked if he would cut it for me in exchange for dinner. During dinner I made sure the TV wasn't on so I can chat a bit more about what he expected out of the D. Since Tuesday, I've only spoken to him if I've needed to, when it's to do with our son or letters that arrived for him. On Thursday when a letter for him did arrive, I thought I can't be bothered ringing him and telling him today, I'll wait for another day! Today I texted him and he wanted to come round at 2pm. I told him he couldn't as my IC was there, so he asked me to open the mail and read it out to him over the phone.

He also asked me to post something tomorrow but I said I wouldn't have time as I'm going out for my birthday. He asked me where I was going and I told him. He said he'll post it on the way to swimming on Sunday.

I have started on the 180, not quite there yet but it's a start!

[dreamingoftigers]

Yeah, sad to say that when this all started for me i totally panicked and did around 90% of the 360° plan... not intentionaly, but just reacted instinctively to hold on as tighly as I could to what I was losing... she has made a comment about that saying that at first she just needed space and that my actions sped her decision to leave. Of course it was inevitable as she took her EA became a PA almost right away, if not before then. The 180 is a great tool to keep your sanity and get you on your track to healing. Will it save things? Likely not, seems to me that anyone who says thry are done, are done. Not saying it's not possible but anything you do outside the 180 gives them validation in thier new screwed up mind set. When you say I love you, they hear "I am not capable of loving myself" so they feel like "why should I waste time on somone who's not as healthy as the next person I'm gong to be with"

 

My sad little 2©

Dan

 

I've noticed that the 180 tends to work less-often on women. Women do tend to wait to raise the flag of war until they are completely done. And even done for awhile. I don't think it's fair either.

Since learning more about that I make sure that I always shoot straight and blunt with my husband. He's not going to pick up on the subtler stuff. That's not an insult whatsoever. Men often are quite independent and women are often wanting reassurance to reaffirm the bonds they have.

[SoLostWithoutHim]

I've noticed that the 180 tends to work less-often on women. Women do tend to wait to raise the flag of war until they are completely done. And even done for awhile. I don't think it's fair either.

Since learning more about that I make sure that I always shoot straight and blunt with my husband. He's not going to pick up on the subtler stuff. That's not an insult whatsoever. Men often are quite independent and women are often wanting reassurance to reaffirm the bonds they have.

 

Thanks for your posts dreamingoftigers They mean a lot to me I still don't know whether to mention my own benefits or delaying the D to him. What do you think?

I'm off to bed now as it's 11.30 over here and I'm shattered

Night all

[dreamingoftigers]

Unfortunately, I've not got 90 days, he's going to see a solicitor next Friday.

 

That's on him. I know that it sounds weird to say, but let it go. In fact, wish him the best. Say that you have faith that he's thought this through and that you understand that the marriage as it was, was not stable. (Say nothing about stabilizing it.) If he asks you why you've changed your tune, tell him you've had some time to think. That's it.

 

My IC said today that I should ask him to delay going to see the solicitor by 4 weeks so I can finish my college course without having to worry about the D. I'm going to need some legal advice and I've not got a lot of time at the moment with college and appts. My week is booked up next week, I've not got time to even go to the toilet! lol Do you think he'll agree to this?

 

I don't know if he will or not, BUT it does sound reasonable. But let him know that you have no problem dealing with the business end of it once your own priorities are taken care of. Remember, you are looking out for Numero Uno now.

 

Also he had a letter come through today regarding his benefits. When I asked him why he hadn't changed them over to his new address, he said that he gets more money if they think he's still living with me. If he's going to file for D, then he'll lose that money. I want to go to the benefits office to sort out my benefits in my own right whilst I'm still at college.

 

I'm not sure I understand why this is upsetting. You mean that you will need your own benefits or some such thing. I have only ever had benefits as a single, and later a separated person. Could you explain please?

 

Both of these things I've got to do are going to cause upset to my H. You said earlier that I've got to drop the rope, so how do I go about these two points?

You deliver the news like it's the weather report and if he starts acting like a jack-ass simply say, something like "it's frustrating, it is, but it needs to be done (or done when it's best for both of us)." If he insults you or accuses you of a bunch of crap just say, "okay, well, I have to run now. Talk to you again some time."

 

Don't eat his crap sandwich, but don't throw one back at him either. Let him sit there with his anger at your independence but not able to call you out on any of it because you weren't ignorant or unreasonable. If he accuses you of something, don't say " No I wasn't." You can enlighten him to your motive in a sense though, "Actually, it's just about the benefits or the college course. But I have to go now. We can talk about it some other time." Don't give specifics or try to give dates etc.

 

My IC also said I should write a letter to my parents telling them what is going on. She said that if I want she'll have a look at them next Friday when she's over. She said that way I've got control back over when my H can D me, as at the moment he is blackmailing me and saying that if I don't sign the D papers he will tell my parents and he'll tell them that I've kicked him out not that he's left me.

 

Yes, tell them. Take away his ammo pronto.

Every time my husband would pull the threat card (he did pull a few ) I just let him know in no uncertain terms that he could do whatever he felt was necessary and that I'd be just fine. I didn't say "I'll be just fine" but I sure made sure to leave that impression.

 

He liked to pull the divorce card out every now and then even after we had started the reconciliation process. Finally one day I just texted him the Alberta divorce Q&A website and said I didn't want to hear it anymore until he has gone out, bought the kit, filled it in, gone and spent the day at the courthouse getting things in order and then I'd sign. No problem. I don't want to be with someone that unequivocally doesn't want to be with me. Honestly, my husband is lazy. If he spends all day at the courthouse, he really means it.

 

I did apologise on the phone afterwards and told him it was just a shock that's all! [.

 

Don't bother defending past actions. No point. Just digs things in worse.

 

He mentioned earlier that he'll cut the grass. initially I said no it's ok, I don't need any help from you, then afterwards when I spoke to him again I asked if he would cut it for me in exchange for dinner. During dinner I made sure the TV wasn't on so I can chat a bit more about what he expected out of the D.

 

Don't manipulate him into contact. And don't make your "independence stance" on his back, either. Treat him as an acquaintance that you are friendly with that has offered to do you a favor. Stay friendly. Stay professional even. If he volunteers contact, accept 2/3 to 3/4 of the time. Delay responses to texts and phone calls sometimes. (well, often actually). You might even want to pick at random three days out of the week where you just won't respond to him. I chose to go with the random response to contact. In fact even though we've reconciled, I am not always available to reach. I have things to do. I have a life of my own. I learned with my husband, if he's in an "end-it-all" state, every time I open my mouth, I lose ground. He'll hear something that I'm not saying 100% of the time. We've made major breakthroughs as to why and what to do instead, but that came long after reconciliation started.

 

Since Tuesday, I've only spoken to him if I've needed to, when it's to do with our son or letters that arrived for him. On Thursday when a letter for him did arrive, I thought I can't be bothered ringing him and telling him today, I'll wait for another day! Today I texted him and he wanted to come round at 2pm. I told him he couldn't as my IC was there, so he asked me to open the mail and read it out to him over the phone.

He also asked me to post something tomorrow but I said I wouldn't have time as I'm going out for my birthday. He asked me where I was going and I told him. He said he'll post it on the way to swimming on Sunday.

I have started on the 180, not quite there yet but it's a start!

 

That is a good start. And he is still asking things of you and making some contact. I think you've got a good chance if there isn't an OW. You don't know 100% that there isn't. A lot of men won't leave unless there is an OW. So be careful.

[SoLostWithoutHim]

Dreamingoftigers, thanks for the great post you asked me to explain this -

"Also he had a letter come through today regarding his benefits. When I asked him why he hadn't changed them over to his new address, he said that he gets more money if they think he's still living with me. If he's going to file for D, then he'll lose that money. I want to go to the benefits office to sort out my benefits in my own right whilst I'm still at college."

He is on certain state benefits which he gets because of his panic attacks and depression. He can only do certain types of jobs without feeling panicky about it. When he is living with me, we both get one benefit in joint names. Now that he has left, he hasn't told them his new address because he will lose half the money. The joint money has always gone to him and he uses it for the household. Now that he's left, I'm entitled to one of the benefits in my own right. I know I should go and get it changed over but I've been delaying it because I'm busy at college at the moment and other commitments. When I am not at college I've got my son to look after, so I've not got a lot of time to sort them out.

I know that he'll be upset about this because he's having to appeal because they think he's fit for work and he's only on half the money. I was feeling sorry for him before and helping him out, but now that he's filing for D I'm thinking ok I'll just go and get my single benefits and to heck what he thinks! The problem I have is how to I let him know without it sounding like tit for tat. Do I not say anything and just go and do it? Won't this make him want the D more if I do things behind his back? I am managing ok without the benefit, but it would help Once I finish college, I won't need the benefit after a little while as I'm going to be building up my own business. I so can't wait until I start working I've already got some clients lined up, waiting for some beauty treatments

[dreamingoftigers]

Dreamingoftigers, thanks for the great post you asked me to explain this -

"Also he had a letter come through today regarding his benefits. When I asked him why he hadn't changed them over to his new address, he said that he gets more money if they think he's still living with me. If he's going to file for D, then he'll lose that money. I want to go to the benefits office to sort out my benefits in my own right whilst I'm still at college."

He is on certain state benefits which he gets because of his panic attacks and depression. He can only do certain types of jobs without feeling panicky about it. When he is living with me, we both get one benefit in joint names. Now that he has left, he hasn't told them his new address because he will lose half the money. The joint money has always gone to him and he uses it for the household. Now that he's left, I'm entitled to one of the benefits in my own right. I know I should go and get it changed over but I've been delaying it because I'm busy at college at the moment and other commitments. When I am not at college I've got my son to look after, so I've not got a lot of time to sort them out.

I know that he'll be upset about this because he's having to appeal because they think he's fit for work and he's only on half the money. I was feeling sorry for him before and helping him out, but now that he's filing for D I'm thinking ok I'll just go and get my single benefits and to heck what he thinks! The problem I have is how to I let him know without it sounding like tit for tat. Do I not say anything and just go and do it? Won't this make him want the D more if I do things behind his back? I am managing ok without the benefit, but it would help Once I finish college, I won't need the benefit after a little while as I'm going to be building up my own business. I so can't wait until I start working I've already got some clients lined up, waiting for some beauty treatments

 

My personal take. You can deliver the news like it's the weather report OR just switch it over and let the chips fall where they may.

 

If he confronts you on it, be very clear that you were trying to proceed with the due process involved with the divorce so as not to complicate things.

 

Don't let him threaten or manipulate you into helping him. He needs to feel the consequence of the separation. (DON'T TELL HIM THAT THOUGH)

[SoLostWithoutHim]

Good ideas dreaming of tigers where do you get your ideas from? Do they just come to you or have you got them from books? I think you should be a counsellor btw, I think you are going down the right route with your H and I wish you all the luck in the world

[SoLostWithoutHim]

Unfortunately, I've not got 90 days, he's going to see a solicitor next Friday.

 

That's on him. I know that it sounds weird to say, but let it go. In fact, wish him the best. Say that you have faith that he's thought this through and that you understand that the marriage as it was, was not stable. (Say nothing about stabilizing it.) If he asks you why you've changed your tune, tell him you've had some time to think. That's it.

 

 

 

I don't know if he will or not, BUT it does sound reasonable. But let him know that you have no problem dealing with the business end of it once your own priorities are taken care of. Remember, you are looking out for Numero Uno now.

 

 

 

I'm not sure I understand why this is upsetting. You mean that you will need your own benefits or some such thing. I have only ever had benefits as a single, and later a separated person. Could you explain please?

 

You deliver the news like it's the weather report and if he starts acting like a jack-ass simply say, something like "it's frustrating, it is, but it needs to be done (or done when it's best for both of us)." If he insults you or accuses you of a bunch of crap just say, "okay, well, I have to run now. Talk to you again some time."

 

Don't eat his crap sandwich, but don't throw one back at him either. Let him sit there with his anger at your independence but not able to call you out on any of it because you weren't ignorant or unreasonable. If he accuses you of something, don't say " No I wasn't." You can enlighten him to your motive in a sense though, "Actually, it's just about the benefits or the college course. But I have to go now. We can talk about it some other time." Don't give specifics or try to give dates etc.

 

 

 

Yes, tell them. Take away his ammo pronto.

Every time my husband would pull the threat card (he did pull a few ) I just let him know in no uncertain terms that he could do whatever he felt was necessary and that I'd be just fine. I didn't say "I'll be just fine" but I sure made sure to leave that impression.

 

He liked to pull the divorce card out every now and then even after we had started the reconciliation process. Finally one day I just texted him the Alberta divorce Q&A website and said I didn't want to hear it anymore until he has gone out, bought the kit, filled it in, gone and spent the day at the courthouse getting things in order and then I'd sign. No problem. I don't want to be with someone that unequivocally doesn't want to be with me. Honestly, my husband is lazy. If he spends all day at the courthouse, he really means it.

 

 

 

Don't bother defending past actions. No point. Just digs things in worse.

 

 

 

Don't manipulate him into contact. And don't make your "independence stance" on his back, either. Treat him as an acquaintance that you are friendly with that has offered to do you a favor. Stay friendly. Stay professional even. If he volunteers contact, accept 2/3 to 3/4 of the time. Delay responses to texts and phone calls sometimes. (well, often actually). You might even want to pick at random three days out of the week where you just won't respond to him. I chose to go with the random response to contact. In fact even though we've reconciled, I am not always available to reach. I have things to do. I have a life of my own. I learned with my husband, if he's in an "end-it-all" state, every time I open my mouth, I lose ground. He'll hear something that I'm not saying 100% of the time. We've made major breakthroughs as to why and what to do instead, but that came long after reconciliation started.

 

 

 

That is a good start. And he is still asking things of you and making some contact. I think you've got a good chance if there isn't an OW. You don't know 100% that there isn't. A lot of men won't leave unless there is an OW. So be careful.

 

He keeps telling me there isn't another woman and I believe him. When he wanted the D so quickly, I said is this because there's an OW on the scene. He said no. Later, I was joking with him when he said one of his customers wanted extras. He said not like that! he said he's told me there isn't an OW, he's off women at the mo, they're too much hassle. I've got to believe him or I'll drive myself crazy! lol

[SoLostWithoutHim]

Then he visited. And that's where things picked up. Sometimes they just need space. Sometimes they need 1000 km of space even. Just to clear their heads and find out that OUT may not be the best direction and that IN doesn't look so bad from far away.

 

That's my problem, he doesn't get enough space as he's around for my son. He does need 1000 km of space at least for a week and then we'll see if he misses the family! Also my neighbour says she sees him here most days. He takes things to do odd jobs for people as that's his work/business. He's already taken some gardening equipment which I need now that the weather is better and stuff from the garage. She suggests I lock the garage door and keep anything in there that I don't want him to get his hands on. Do you think this will antagonise him more if I do this? Also I need to put a lock on the shed, what do u think? I could say I'm doing it for security reasons. He's entitled to his key as he owns half the house, but he shouldn't really keep removing stuff without asking me first should he?

I keep asking him for the equipment back and so far he's not brought them back. I suppose it's a good excuse for not doing any gardening! lol. Another of my faults he'd probably pick up on!

[SoLostWithoutHim]

Hi Guys

Ok my update for the day. H came over to pick my son up whilst we were still in Church having a tea after the service. I was surprised to see him in Church as he never comes in, he always waits outside. Everyone was friendly with him, as they should be He had a coffee, but sat with someone else he knows. I'd finished my tea so I was looking over to see if he'd finished and he looked at me and smiled. Then he went back to his conversation with someone he was doing work for and who is my life coach.

He ran me back home and then took my son swimming. I went into town and he said let him know if I want picking up or not. He said he'd text me when he's on his way back.

I'd finished my shopping, I didn't get a text so I decided to get a taxi home. Whilst I was in the taxi, I texted him to say that I was on my way home, so he had no need to pick me up but thanks anyway. He rang me straight after and asked where I was. I said I was in a taxi on my way home. He went mad at me, saying that he was going to pick me up. I said I didn't want him to go out of his way as I knew he had a job in the afternoon. He carried on ranting at me and I repeated that I didn't want him to go out of his way. Because I was talking calmly, it made him calmer.

I got home and unpacked the shopping. He came to the door and dropped my son off. He was about to hurry off, so I went to the door and said what was on my mind.

I asked him why his state benefit letters were still coming here and he said he'd told them his new address. I told him that I'm going to go to the benefits office next week to sort out my benefits and he was ok about that.

I mentioned if he would delay the D by 4 weeks as I have to finish my college course and I can't concentrate if this is playing on my mind. He said it's too late to cancel as he's made the appt already with the solicitor. He said that he's only going to talk to her and I won't get a letter for a few weeks. I said how it's affecting my college course and he just kept saying "don't worry about it!". I said to him, that's easy for you to say! He didn't answer that!

We talked about him picking up my son next weekend and I said that my son was helping out at the Church craft fair. My son said then that he only wants to run the stall until his dad gets there and my H said well he might want to look round so we'll see how it goes. Either it's a relief that he's finally getting what he wants, ie. a D, or he wants to be involved in family stuff again. It would be so good if he started going to Church again, even if it is another Church. The Lord will be able to speak to him then and hopefully something that is said may speak to him in a kind and loving way.

I only wish I didn't have to tell my parents about our break up. I know that they will never forgive my H and it will be back to square one if he did decide to return.

I know I must think that the D is going to go through, but certain things that happened today made me think.

I know that I'm probably reading too much into these events, but him even setting foot in a Church after all this time is a positive sign

The ball is in his court now, I'm going to try and not communicate with him for the rest of the week. I'll remain calm with him and talk to him as if I'm reading the weather report. I'll make myself unavailable to him and start the full 180 on him. He won't know what's hit him! lol. I'm going to keep on reading Divorce busting to see if it can give me any insight. I'm reading this chapter on SBT therapy at the moment and it's confusing the heck out of me! I can't concentrate on all the text as some of it is psychobabble! Can anyone explain what it means in plain English or is everyone as confused as I am? lol. I keep thinking that the more I read, the clearer it will become!

One thing that I was proud of today is keeping my mouth shut. My life coach called me over and mentioned to me about all this weight that my H has lost and how she can't keep up with him. I just smiled sweetly and didn't say anything. I know that before I would've said "I've been losing weight as well, I've lost 11 pounds in 3 months" or "yes it's called the McDonald's diet". But I didn't say anything, God helped me keep my mouth shut and I've a lot to thank God for today

I read somewhere that if they do file for divorce to remain calm and friendly and don't get upset about anything. This may make him delay things as you can't shoot someone who hasn't got a gun, lol. I love that analogy!

[dreamingoftigers]

Hi Guys

Ok my update for the day. H came over to pick my son up whilst we were still in Church having a tea after the service. I was surprised to see him in Church as he never comes in, he always waits outside. Everyone was friendly with him, as they should be He had a coffee, but sat with someone else he knows. I'd finished my tea so I was looking over to see if he'd finished and he looked at me and smiled. Then he went back to his conversation with someone he was doing work for and who is my life coach.

He ran me back home and then took my son swimming. I went into town and he said let him know if I want picking up or not. He said he'd text me when he's on his way back.

I'd finished my shopping, I didn't get a text so I decided to get a taxi home. Whilst I was in the taxi, I texted him to say that I was on my way home, so he had no need to pick me up but thanks anyway. He rang me straight after and asked where I was. I said I was in a taxi on my way home. He went mad at me, saying that he was going to pick me up. I said I didn't want him to go out of his way as I knew he had a job in the afternoon. He carried on ranting at me and I repeated that I didn't want him to go out of his way. Because I was talking calmly, it made him calmer.

I got home and unpacked the shopping. He came to the door and dropped my son off. He was about to hurry off, so I went to the door and said what was on my mind.

I asked him why his state benefit letters were still coming here and he said he'd told them his new address. I told him that I'm going to go to the benefits office next week to sort out my benefits and he was ok about that.

I mentioned if he would delay the D by 4 weeks as I have to finish my college course and I can't concentrate if this is playing on my mind. He said it's too late to cancel as he's made the appt already with the solicitor. He said that he's only going to talk to her and I won't get a letter for a few weeks. I said how it's affecting my college course and he just kept saying "don't worry about it!". I said to him, that's easy for you to say! He didn't answer that!

We talked about him picking up my son next weekend and I said that my son was helping out at the Church craft fair. My son said then that he only wants to run the stall until his dad gets there and my H said well he might want to look round so we'll see how it goes. Either it's a relief that he's finally getting what he wants, ie. a D, or he wants to be involved in family stuff again. It would be so good if he started going to Church again, even if it is another Church. The Lord will be able to speak to him then and hopefully something that is said may speak to him in a kind and loving way.

I only wish I didn't have to tell my parents about our break up. I know that they will never forgive my H and it will be back to square one if he did decide to return.

I know I must think that the D is going to go through, but certain things that happened today made me think.

I know that I'm probably reading too much into these events, but him even setting foot in a Church after all this time is a positive sign

The ball is in his court now, I'm going to try and not communicate with him for the rest of the week. I'll remain calm with him and talk to him as if I'm reading the weather report. I'll make myself unavailable to him and start the full 180 on him. He won't know what's hit him! lol. I'm going to keep on reading Divorce busting to see if it can give me any insight. I'm reading this chapter on SBT therapy at the moment and it's confusing the heck out of me! I can't concentrate on all the text as some of it is psychobabble! Can anyone explain what it means in plain English or is everyone as confused as I am? lol. I keep thinking that the more I read, the clearer it will become!

One thing that I was proud of today is keeping my mouth shut. My life coach called me over and mentioned to me about all this weight that my H has lost and how she can't keep up with him. I just smiled sweetly and didn't say anything. I know that before I would've said "I've been losing weight as well, I've lost 11 pounds in 3 months" or "yes it's called the McDonald's diet". But I didn't say anything, God helped me keep my mouth shut and I've a lot to thank God for today

I read somewhere that if they do file for divorce to remain calm and friendly and don't get upset about anything. This may make him delay things as you can't shoot someone who hasn't got a gun, lol. I love that analogy!

 

Are you in an "at-fault" state?

 

Good for you for retaining your fortitude.

 

He has very poor boundaries expecting to somewhat enmesh with you whilst refusing to delay filing.

 

SBT:

 

Essentially, if there's a problem, fix the problem instead of trying to fix the person. It works quite well and validates both parties. And then you have enough trust between you to be on the same team to work on fixing your own personal issues without feeling ashamed, attacked, vulnerable.

[SoLostWithoutHim]

Are you in an "at-fault" state?

 

Good for you for retaining your fortitude.

 

He has very poor boundaries expecting to somewhat enmesh with you whilst refusing to delay filing.

 

SBT:

 

Essentially, if there's a problem, fix the problem instead of trying to fix the person. It works quite well and validates both parties. And then you have enough trust between you to be on the same team to work on fixing your own personal issues without feeling ashamed, attacked, vulnerable.

 

I'm not sure what you mean by "at-fault" state?

Thanks for clearing up SBT, I'm not sure how it will help our situation though. He's gone waaaaay past trying to fix anything between us. If there is ever any form of R, then it'll take a long time to get there. At the moment I'm probably at 1% chance of R or maybe that's too high

You're right, he doesn't get the boundaries at the moment, but he'll learn when I start doing 180 on him. I think it was frustration today that I did something on my own without involving him