Dating a hyper sexual rape vicitm? Possible red flags?

[casual_dreamer]

Let me give some background on my girlfriend. She's 38 and was raped 10 years ago. After the incident she became promiscuous (slept with over 100 men), became an alcoholic and tried killing herself 7 times within a year. This was in a span of about 2-3 years. She ended up going to counseling, became a feminist and worked hard to get over the situation. She tells me she's not that way anymore and became a more loving person.

 

We've been together for 2 months now in a long distance relationship and I really love this girl. She treats me really good when I see her and is super sweet and nice to me. She tells me I'm the best man she's ever meet in the world and is in love with me. In fact, when we agreed to be together she said she never wants to be with another man ever again but me. But there's things I see as red flags:

 

• She's very hyper sexual. She loves talking/texting about it in detail all the time. We had unprotected sex the second time we hung out (not dating yet) and I asked if she was on the pill. She said no but will "go to the doctor" if she gets pregnant (I'm guessing she means an abortion). She also wanted anal sex.

 

• She seems to be overly friendly and touchy with men and has lots of male friends. She likes to call them "baby" and tells them she loves them. She means it in a platonic way, but I know some take it wrong.

 

• I recently asked what her view on sex was and she said to have a lot of it as long as no one gets hurt and is respected. This leads me to believe she was still somewhat promiscuous even after all the counseling.

 

• I asked if she's had sex with any of her male friends, to which she responded "a few" and left it at that.

 

• She still likes to go out every now and then with her friends to bars/shows and drink heavily.

 

• She's only had 2 long term relationships. Both lasted about 4 years, and I believe it was before the rape. Everything else seemed to be flings or casual dating/sex.

 

• Right before we agreed to be a couple she ran into her ex. They were together not long ago for about 3 months, and according to her, he just stopped talking to her one day. She told me she confronted him about what he did, forgave him, wished him well in life and got closure. She said she was over him. Well I found out she saw him again 2 days later and they had sex. I asked her why if she said she was over him and she said "I thought it was a natural way of saying bye to him because I loved him so much and I wanted him to be nice to me for once".

 

I'm so torn inside because my heart says yes, but my mind/gut say no. She says she really loves me and will never cheat or disrespect me in anyway. I really want to believe her but she seems to be very impulsive with her emotions. We talk/text everyday but I always worry about what she's doing, especially since we're in a long distance relationship. I try not to judge her since she was raped and it was not her fault. But all of this seems too much to handle and I don't know if she is able to recognize and be in a healthy loving relationship.

 

Any insights?

[Keenly]

Dude... if she will bang you the second time you hang out, she will have no problem banging other guys while your sitting at home thinking she misses you.

 

 

 

Don't do this to yourself.

[todreaminblue]

question first.....

 

 

are these sexual encounters from what you know of, mainly been under the influence of alcohol?

[casual_dreamer]

question first.....

 

 

are these sexual encounters from what you know of, mainly been under the influence of alcohol?

 

Well, after the rape she became an alcoholic and claims to have slept with over 100 men. So yes she was under the influence. But after the counseling, I don't know how many more men she's been with (I'm guessing quite a bit). I would assume some of those were under the influence since she likes to drink a lot when she goes out. Hell, the first time we had sex we were both buzzed.

[todreaminblue]

Well, after the rape she became an alcoholic and claims to have slept with over 100 men. So yes she was under the influence. But after the counseling, I don't know how many more men she's been with (I'm guessing quite a bit). I would assume some of those were under the influence since she likes to drink a lot when she goes out. Hell, the first time we had sex we were both buzzed.

 

 

yeah alcohol abuse is common with victims of rape......if she is still drinking which i am guessing she is because you were both buzzed......when you did it the first time.....a relationship isnt what she needs at the moment......she needs to give up the alcohol to have a chance at a relationship that actually means anything......she needs more counselling in my opinion...and ma7yeb soem true supportive friends and family to help her get through it...deb

[Taramere]

I'm so torn inside because my heart says yes, but my mind/gut say no. She says she really loves me and will never cheat or disrespect me in anyway. I really want to believe her but she seems to be very impulsive with her emotions. We talk/text everyday but I always worry about what she's doing, especially since we're in a long distance relationship. I try not to judge her since she was raped and it was not her fault. But all of this seems too much to handle and I don't know if she is able to recognize and be in a healthy loving relationship.

 

Any insights?

 

The girlfriend she would like to be isn't necessarily the girlfriend she can be. I think the likelihood is that she'll make all sorts of promises to you in good faith, break them and continue on a downward spiral. She doesn't seem to have much in the way of boundaries.

 

Unprotected sex on the second occasion you hung out also brings your own boundaries into question. However badly one might feel for your girlfriend in light of what happened to her, the fact remains that of her own choice she went on to have an extremely promiscuous lifestyle. And yet you had unprotected sex with her almost immediately. What role do you see yourself inhabiting in this relationship? Do you think that this is somebody you can ever have a trusting adult relationship with, or are you in rescuer mode here?

 

This girl you're dating doesn't sound anywhere near in a psychologically or emotionally healthy state. I think a lot of us have been there at some point (ie in a relationship with somebody unstable). I know I have, and with hindsight what I would recommend is that you switch your focus away from her for a bit and carry out some self examination. It can be a bit of a cop-out to say "my head says one thing and my heart says another..."

 

Everything we do is rational on some level. This relationship is evidently meeting a need in you. I suggest that you try to figure out what that need is, and then consider healthier ways of meeting it...because it's abundantly obvious that this is going to be nothing more than an absolute train wreck of a relationship. I'm sorry, but it's impossible to see what else it could be.

[casual_dreamer]

The girlfriend she would like to be isn't necessarily the girlfriend she can be. I think the likelihood is that she'll make all sorts of promises to you in good faith, break them and continue on a downward spiral.

 

That's my fear. I don't know if she will eventually revert to her promiscuous ways. She does a lot for me and I feel she cares/loves me a lot. And she's a really good and caring person. But I can't seem to ignore all those red flags I listed above, so my gut feeling is never 100% even though my heart is.

 

Unprotected sex on the second occasion you hung out also brings your own boundaries into question. However badly one might feel for your girlfriend in light of what happened to her, the fact remains that of her own choice she went on to have an extremely promiscuous lifestyle. And yet you had unprotected sex with her almost immediately. What role do you see yourself inhabiting in this relationship? Do you think that this is somebody you can ever have a trusting adult relationship with, or are you in rescuer mode here?

 

She told me she was raped the 4th time we hung out/had sex. And at the time she just said it was hard work to overcome what had happened, went through therapy, subscribed to the ideology of feminism and embraced her sexuality again. She didn't go into detail. I felt bad for her and wanted to show her I wasn't going to use her for her body. So yea I guess I went into rescuer mode but at the same time I already liked her.

 

I didn't know about her promiscuous past (or even perhaps current promiscuity after therapy and before me) until this past weekend. How it came about was she kept telling me I was the best sexual partner she's ever had. So out of curiosity I asked her how many guys she had slept with and was told it was none of my business. I kept pressing her until she finally exploded in a rage of anger and tears and shouted out all the details. She then started accusing me of judging her. I felt really bad afterwards since I didn't know to what extent or how deep her trauma went. If I would have known in the beginning, then I honestly don't think I would have pursued her for a relationship. But it's too late, I'm already in love with her.

 

Everything we do is rational on some level. This relationship is evidently meeting a need in you. I suggest that you try to figure out what that need is, and then consider healthier ways of meeting it...because it's abundantly obvious that this is going to be nothing more than an absolute train wreck of a relationship. I'm sorry, but it's impossible to see what else it could be.

 

I've had 1 long term relationship that lasted 10 years, but ended due to infidelity (not by me). That was 4 years ago. After that I had a few really short sexual flings, and was celibate for 2.5 years. I felt a void in me and longed for someone to love and love me. When I meet this girl we hit it off instantly and always got along so well. She fulfilled my sexual needs and also my love needs, well so it seems right now.

 

I'm thinking there is much, much more to her story, and that you need to know the rest before you invest any serious part of your life in such a woman.

 

Believe me, I try to know more about her past but she's very reluctant to share. She keeps saying "the past is done, what matters is who I am now". I think she's right to some degree. But now she actually wants to get more serious, even considering marriage! So I tell her I need to know more about who she was or what she's done, because that helps me determine who she might be later in life when we're together. This completely sets her off! She'll yell out sarcastically "well I wore blue socks when I was 6!!" or "I cut my toe when I was 14!!" I really see this hesitation as another red flag.

 

I can see the perspective that this lady may well have had issues before, that something as traumatic as a rape would have sent into overdrive by breaking down her usual coping mechanisms

 

Well another traumatic thing that happened was she was almost murdered by asphyxiation. The only details I got from that was she was walking down an alley and was attacked. I don't know if she was raped again, or if this was part of her first rape or before it. Her details on this are a little sketchy and don't seem to always match up.

 

I'm just so torn inside. I really love this girl and she's good to me. But all of this seems like too much, and along with the red flags, has me stressing. Especially in a long distance relationship. I really feel like we should just part ways, since I don't know if she is able to recognize and be in a healthy loving relationship with all that's happened in her life. But I feel it's so unfair to her that I don't want to give it a chance.

[casual_dreamer]

Let's stay on topic please

[AlexDP]

• She's very hyper sexual. She loves talking/texting about it in detail all the time. We had unprotected sex the second time we hung out (not dating yet) and I asked if she was on the pill. She said no but will "go to the doctor" if she gets pregnant (I'm guessing she means an abortion). She also wanted anal sex.

 

• She seems to be overly friendly and touchy with men and has lots of male friends. She likes to call them "baby" and tells them she loves them. She means it in a platonic way, but I know some take it wrong.

 

• I recently asked what her view on sex was and she said to have a lot of it as long as no one gets hurt and is respected. This leads me to believe she was still somewhat promiscuous even after all the counseling.

 

• I asked if she's had sex with any of her male friends, to which she responded "a few" and left it at that.

 

• She still likes to go out every now and then with her friends to bars/shows and drink heavily.

 

• She's only had 2 long term relationships. Both lasted about 4 years, and I believe it was before the rape. Everything else seemed to be flings or casual dating/sex.

 

• Right before we agreed to be a couple she ran into her ex. They were together not long ago for about 3 months, and according to her, he just stopped talking to her one day. She told me she confronted him about what he did, forgave him, wished him well in life and got closure. She said she was over him. Well I found out she saw him again 2 days later and they had sex. I asked her why if she said she was over him and she said "I thought it was a natural way of saying bye to him because I loved him so much and I wanted him to be nice to me for once".

 

I'm so torn inside because my heart says yes, but my mind/gut say no. She says she really loves me and will never cheat or disrespect me in anyway. I really want to believe her but she seems to be very impulsive with her emotions. We talk/text everyday but I always worry about what she's doing, especially since we're in a long distance relationship. I try not to judge her since she was raped and it was not her fault. But all of this seems too much to handle and I don't know if she is able to recognize and be in a healthy loving relationship.

 

Any insights?

 

I have an insight. She sounds horrible. And the men do not take it the wrong way. She's looking for sexual attention. I also really doubt that she was raped in the first place, but that's hardly important. Why are you insisting on dating psycho?

[Taramere]

Well another traumatic thing that happened was she was almost murdered by asphyxiation. The only details I got from that was she was walking down an alley and was attacked. I don't know if she was raped again, or if this was part of her first rape or before it. Her details on this are a little sketchy and don't seem to always match up.

 

In other words, you have your doubts about the veracity of that story. I've had that same feeling. It's a horrible sensation when somebody is telling you about something traumatic that has happened to them and a nagging little voice inside you is saying "this doesn't ring true". On the one hand you want to give people the benefit of the doubt - and of course it's horrific for attack victims to find that they're not believed.

 

On the other hand, there are people out there who make up all kinds of stuff for attention. If you find yourself starting to feel unable to believe somebody who claims to have been the victim of all sorts of atrocities it's just a horrible feeling. Hard to know whether those feelings come from a place of wishful thinking that bad stuff wouldn't happen to innocent people, or if they come from an instinct. I don't envy you that position you're in.

 

 

I really love this girl and she's good to me. But all of this seems like too much, and along with the red flags, has me stressing. Especially in a long distance relationship. I really feel like we should just part ways, since I don't know if she is able to recognize and be in a healthy loving relationship with all that's happened in her life. But I feel it's so unfair to her that I don't want to give it a chance.

 

I don't really see how you can continue with this without being very upfront with her and saying "look, I have a lot of concerns about the things that have happened to you, the way you've reacted and whether it would really be as easy for you to just suddenly cancel out all that past and have the healthy relationship you tell me you're now ready for.

 

Look at the whole "embracing feminism to embrace her sexuality again" thing. That sounds good in practice. You know....feminism as in believing that if you behave like an adult then others should treat you like one and not patronise you or put unnecessary obstacles in your way simply because you're female. That as an adult woman it's normal for her to have adult sexual feelings and that she's not going to permit a rape to cancel out that part of her life. That I would applaud.

 

However, it's not really how she reacted, is it? It doesn't sound to me as though she behaved so much like an empowered, adult woman (in****ing 100 guys in the space of ten years) as a child gone wild in a sweet shop. And now she just wants to put it behind her and demand that you never bring it up/judge her for the past? It's not realistic. Lots of people have dodgy things and concerning baggage in their past. It's normal for future partners to be concerned - and to want to be able to discuss those issues to establish whether the person has taken steps to ensure they really can move on. If her reaction is to simply get angry and blame shift by accusing you of being judgemental then that doesn't sound like "successfully moving on" to me.

 

You're serious about this girl and despite other people's warnings you're not keen to give her up. Okay, but what about some couples counselling here? And I mean with a reputable highly trained counsellor who isn't just going to slip into rescuer mode and encourage you to do the same.

[todreaminblue]

If you truly doubt her story.......luckily not one serious partner i have had has ever doubted mine......mine is pretty out there...... verify with her family so that you may be supportive to her, just ask if they are aware......you cannot be supportive to someone you dont believe.....if i were to find a guy that didnt believe my story i would tell him to talk to my mum, ........i have talked openly about sexual abuse i have suffered....with my ex.....and my mother in the same room..it is actually therapeutic to be able to discuss it...my family are aware of sexual abuse i have suffered...i would say most women would turn to their mothers.......

 

 

in my personal opinion, this woman you are seeing is not right for you....that you doubt her story........if it is true then i dotn think there is anything worse than not beign believed..........or even if it isnt........doubt is enough with all the other things that you know for you to end this relationship

 

 

takes a certain type of guy to handle a woman with a history of abuse....it isnt easy..it is not easy to tell or to know to a partner, it is one of those things that when you hear it...you wish you didnt.and some men are not built to cope ....thats where you go .....nah....cant be true ...doesnt add up.....its to horrible to think about...why hasnt she got crystal clarity on what happened when where why.....(because the brain shuts down during and after)

 

 

 

it woudl not be bad for you to walk away....probably best fro her best for you......she needs more therapy and professional help.....in my opinion.............deb

[AlexDP]

If you truly doubt her story.......luckily not one serious partner i have had has ever doubted mine......mine is pretty out there...... verify with her family so that you may be supportive to her, just ask if they are aware......you cannot be supportive to someone you dont believe.....if i were to find a guy that didnt believe my story i would tell him to talk to my mum, ........i have talked openly about sexual abuse i have suffered....with my ex.....and my mother in the same room..it is actually therapeutic to be able to discuss it...my family are aware of sexual abuse i have suffered...i would say most women would turn to their mothers.......

 

 

in my personal opinion, this woman you are seeing is not right for you....that you doubt her story........if it is true then i dotn think there is anything worse than not beign believed..........or even if it isnt........doubt is enough with all the other things that you know for you to end this relationship

 

 

takes a certain type of guy to handle a woman with a history of abuse....it isnt easy..it is not easy to tell or to know to a partner, it is one of those things that when you hear it...you wish you didnt.and some men are not built to cope ....thats where you go .....nah....cant be true ...doesnt add up.....its to horrible to think about...why hasnt she got crystal clarity on what happened when where why.....(because the brain shuts down during and after)

 

 

 

it woudl not be bad for you to walk away....probably best fro her best for you......she needs more therapy and professional help.....in my opinion.............deb

 

 

I think it's more likely that she is just one of those persons who are all over the place and don't really have one story. She's just mixing up elements and seeing what gets her the most attention. Kind of you like you she'll probably also present "truths" to explain why her recollection of events is so sketchy.

[Roadkill007]

You are pulling this information out of your ass. My mother didn't become an alcoholic until she was 40

 

 

Well technically, "gene for addiction" is the predisposition to become chemically dependent on a substance, although we often mean psychological dependence when talking about alcohol addiction. There is a distinction between people abusing alcohol based on their psychological reliance on it and people whose main issues are physical backlash from withdrawal. Ofc some people have both problems combined.

 

 

 

On op, it feels like she's trying to control the feelings of helplessness from the rape by trying to interpret her own actions as of her own will. Thus the flirty and touchy feely. Most rape victims physically flinch to just a mere touch for a few months after the event, at least. I think if she can manage to get some boundaries, she might be fine... but who knows, eh?

[Keenly]

This woman is damaged beyond repair. There is absolutely no way she will remain faithful based on her current behavior.

 

She will get drunk, get hit on, enjoy the attention, and then have sex with him.

[Taramere]

Correct, IF you don't have the gene for addiction, you will never get addicted.

 

Lance M. Dodes, M.D. - Addiction FAQ

 

A summary of research over the past 35 years shows that for alcoholism, by far the most studied addiction, there is no genetic factor for most people. There is a subset of people who may have increased genetic risk but we now know conclusively that there is no single gene for alcoholism. Indeed, given what genes do (code for amino acid chains of protein molecules) it would be impossible for there to be a gene for a behavior as complex as addiction.

 

The fact that there is any genetic factor at all means that there may be many, perhaps hundreds, of genes that could bear on the condition. Inheritance of alcoholism is similar to other conditions like high blood pressure where there is no specific gene or set of genes for it but a combination of many factors including some genetic predisposition for some people with many non-genetic factors such as behavior, personality, and environment. Given our knowledge of the psychological basis for addiction, it is possible that genetic factors that might influence tolerance of frustration could have some role for some people.

Edited June 7, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[yessy21]

Dude... if she will bang you the second time you hang out, she will have no problem banging other guys while your sitting at home thinking she misses you.

 

 

 

Don't do this to yourself.

 

 

I totally agree

[todreaminblue]

I think it's more likely that she is just one of those persons who are all over the place and don't really have one story. She's just mixing up elements and seeing what gets her the most attention. Kind of you like you she'll probably also present "truths" to explain why her recollection of events is so sketchy.

 

 

you lost me....please explain "kind of like you"....what truths are you talking about ....either she is telling the truth or not alex...........are you saying i open up to people for attention......and give"truths" why i can t remember.....everything...i really hope you arent saying that.....deb

[casual_dreamer]

So I ended the relationship today. She's really pissed off, obviously. Saying how I'm using the past against her, how I'm not seeing the loyalty and love she's given to me since we officially became a couple and that I'm just like the other guys who end up leaving her. She also says I lied to her and lead her on because I told her I loved her and wanted to be more serious in the future. I'm also the biggest bipolar schizophrenic assshole liar and wished she never meet me I felt like total crap that I broke her heart, and I couldn't say much more than I really did love her with all my heart and I'm just not able to go forward anymore since my gut and heart aren't 100%.

 

This sucks so bad I know she's telling me the truth about the devastating events that happened in her life, because she even wanted me to call her mom (who she tells everything to and is close with) to verify. Regardless, this is just too much for me to handle. Maybe for most guys, who knows? All I want to do is cry...

[2sunny]

So you are dating an active alcoholic...

 

Yes, I see BIG red flags waving and screaming at you to run!!!

[casual_dreamer]

So you are dating an active alcoholic...

 

Yes, I see BIG red flags waving and screaming at you to run!!!

 

Well I was dating. I just broke up with her. I don't think I would consider her a current alcoholic. She only drinks when she's ocassionally out with friends, although it's always a lot. Though she never seemed to black out or pass out. I guess she built up a high tolerance from when she was an everyday alcoholic for a year or so.

 

I'm not trying to defend her, I just want to make sure the facts are laid out so all the readers can make acurate observations and provide good feedback.

[todreaminblue]

So I ended the relationship today. She's really pissed off, obviously. Saying how I'm using the past against her, how I'm not seeing the loyalty and love she's given to me since we officially became a couple and that I'm just like the other guys who end up leaving her. She also says I lied to her and lead her on because I told her I loved her and wanted to be more serious in the future. I'm also the biggest bipolar schizophrenic assshole liar and wished she never meet me I felt like total crap that I broke her heart, and I couldn't say much more than I really did love her with all my heart and I'm just not able to go forward anymore since my gut and heart aren't 100%.

 

This sucks so bad I know she's telling me the truth about the devastating events that happened in her life, because she even wanted me to call her mom (who she tells everything to and is close with) to verify. Regardless, this is just too much for me to handle. Maybe for most guys, who knows? All I want to do is cry...

 

 

For most guys it is hard to handle,some can cope....a lot cant...because whatever has happened to the woman affects her in many ways.....her attitudes her ways of coping are often different,you are conflicted and honestly she is conflicted........it isnt fair to blame someone for not having the capacity to cope .....you did the right thing by being honest.......i am sorry that you are hurt and that she is hurt....she is lashing out at you ..when what she needs to lash out at ...is dealing with her past i would think, alcohol free...before involving another man in her future......best wishes....deb

[2sunny]

Well I was dating. I just broke up with her. I don't think I would consider her a current alcoholic. She only drinks when she's ocassionally out with friends, although it's always a lot. Though she never seemed to black out or pass out. I guess she built up a high tolerance from when she was an everyday alcoholic for a year or so.

 

I'm not trying to defend her, I just want to make sure the facts are laid out so all the readers can make acurate observations and provide good feedback.

 

Once an alcoholic - it's not possible to be "current" or "past" - you should educate yourself on the disease of alcoholism.

 

It affects a person mentally and physically.

 

Abstinence is the only way to correct the damage done. Steps can be taken to become happy about never having another drink...

 

I'm glad for you that you ended it - she shows many areas of concern.

 

Make wiser choices next time - for yourself.

 

Get tested for diseases!

[imtooconfused]

So I ended the relationship today. She's really pissed off, obviously. Saying how I'm using the past against her, how I'm not seeing the loyalty and love she's given to me since we officially became a couple and that I'm just like the other guys who end up leaving her. She also says I lied to her and lead her on because I told her I loved her and wanted to be more serious in the future. I'm also the biggest bipolar schizophrenic assshole liar and wished she never meet me I felt like total crap that I broke her heart, and I couldn't say much more than I really did love her with all my heart and I'm just not able to go forward anymore since my gut and heart aren't 100%.

 

This sucks so bad I know she's telling me the truth about the devastating events that happened in her life, because she even wanted me to call her mom (who she tells everything to and is close with) to verify. Regardless, this is just too much for me to handle. Maybe for most guys, who knows? All I want to do is cry...

 

You sound like a "fixer." Someone who sees mostly the good side in a challenged person and are energized by the idea of making them well. To a certain extent, I have fallen into this pattern before. Very rarely is this ever successful. If a fixer is able to help the other person recover at all, most of the time, the recovery is only temporary. It could last months or years, but the relapse is almost always inevitable. I don't want to unequivocally say that you are doing the right thing, but I will say continuing the relationship will only postpone the pain.

[casual_dreamer]

Ok, so I've still been talking to this girl and finally got the whole story from her. Apparently when I asked how many sexual partners she had in the past, she became upset because of her rape and how she reacted afterwards. So in order to hurt me for asking a question (that apparently is of no business to me according to her), she said 100+. She apologized for being harsh and childlike, saying that's her reaction when she feels backed into a corner.

 

The story is she was fairly prudish (due to her upbringing) until she was raped at the age of 28. At the time she had a boyfriend of 4 years who tried his best to deal with the situation, but after some months they broke up. After the break up she was still trying to cope with the rape and how worthless she felt. So she ended up drinking everyday for a 6 month period, and according to her, slept with a few guys who she normally would have never been with. This made her feel super dirty and even more worthless, due to how sex was viewed in her family while growing up. So she finally went to counseling to deal with her depression and rape.

 

A few years went by and she was improving and starting to feel better. She said most of her therapists/counselors were feminists and told her that sex was nothing to be ashamed of. I'm guessing she took that as it's ok to be sexually open and enjoy sex. I don't think necessarily in a promiscuous way (but I'm not sure since she never told me her partner count), but more in a way of talking about it and letting people know what she likes.

 

At the age of 32 she was attacked by someone she knew. He tried choking her to death. After this incident she became depressed again and didn't leave the house for 4 years. She had no boyfriends or sex during that time, and went through therapy to get over the situation.

 

Finally about a year and a half ago, she felt she was ready to date again. She was with a guy for about 6 months, but claims no sex happened. After that relationship she had another boyfriend for about 7 months, dated a few guys and then had another boyfriend for about 3 months. She also claimed that after her last boyfriend she was celibate until she meet me, which was around 4 months.

 

Do you guys think this changes anything as far as evaluating her character?

[imtooconfused]

Perhaps it does, perhaps it doesn't.

 

She is being more truthful, but do you honestly feel in your gut that she is being completely truthful? How many different versions of her history have you heard so far? Do you think there may be a reason why she's had a lot of relationships recently but none of them has lasted more than 1 year?

 

A person who has been abused will have trouble with truthfulness and commitment, as justifiable protection mechanisms (I am not faulting those on this site who have gone through that). She will trust herself more than anyone else, including you, and maybe barely trust you at all, now that you have broken her heart once. It's likely that her depression is ongoing and you will have to deal with that continually. This person will be a real handful in your life.

 

On the positive side, she hasn't walked away from you, despite how you treated her. Her anger at the time of the break-up shows that she has real passion for you (that can't be faked). If you really feel the need to take this woman under your wings, I strongly suggest reading the following book:

 

Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Was Sexually Abused as a Child: Laura Davis: 9780060968830: Amazon.com: Books

 

It deals most with partners of people who have been abused as a child, but many of the same issues appear in victims of adult abuse.