Dating a hyper sexual rape vicitm? Possible red flags?

[veggirl]

So she's a huge liar. Nice.

 

Basically she's saying "my first version of events didnt get me my desired outcome....do you like this version better?"

 

And if you don't there's probably a 3rd version she can bring out for you!

[KungFuJoe]

Op,

 

You can't ask ANYONE here to judge your gf based on just what little information you have been telling us.

 

She could be lying through her teeth or she could be telling you the 100% honest truth.

 

You have to go with your gut and MOST OF ALL, base it on how she treats you. Don't worry about her past or what happened. If she has been good and faithful to you, then THAT is what you judge her on.

[casual_dreamer]

She is being more truthful, but do you honestly feel in your gut that she is being completely truthful? How many different versions of her history have you heard so far?

 

So she's a huge liar. Nice.

 

Basically she's saying "my first version of events didnt get me my desired outcome....do you like this version better?"

 

And if you don't there's probably a 3rd version she can bring out for you!

Yea I know how this looks. The reason I never fully got everything was because she didn't like talking about it. So I only got pieces here and there. Apparently it's still a sensitive subject that brings her a lot of bad memories when she get's into details. I guess that's why she lashed out and tried hurting me by saying she slept with over 100 guys.

 

Do you think there may be a reason why she's had a lot of relationships recently but none of them has lasted more than 1 year?

I got details on that too and she admits to making poor choices with men she dated. Once she decided she was ready to date again after 4 years, she was introduced to this one guy who everyone said would be a good boyfriend. She said he was nice and all, but there's wasn't a lot of a "spark" and after 6 months the relationship ended. She claims they never had sex either as she wasn't ready for that yet. Next guy she was with for 7 months ended up cheating on her and they broke up. After that she says there were a few guys she dated shortly, one of which attempted to hit her one time. Then she entered into a long distance relationship with a guy for 3 months, but he just stopped talking to her out of the blue one day and they broke up. 4 months went by where she didn't date or have sex with anyone until she meet me.

 

A person who has been abused will have trouble with truthfulness and commitment, as justifiable protection mechanisms (I am not faulting those on this site who have gone through that). She will trust herself more than anyone else, including you, and maybe barely trust you at all, now that you have broken her heart once. It's likely that her depression is ongoing and you will have to deal with that continually. This person will be a real handful in your life.

You mean more of a handful than an average women? Oh boy !! But yea, she says she isn't trusting of my intentions towards her at the moment. Especially since she hasn't done anything wrong towards me since we agreed to be together. But she wants to try again. However I'm still hurt that she slept with her last ex-boyfriend, whom she said she was over, right after we slept together (we weren't dating or committed yet, more of a "fling"). She admits having sex with him wasn't what she wanted after all and felt bad after. They stopped talking shortly afterwards. But I can't help thinking of her as a "slut" for doing that. And I had to force this confession out of her, she didn't freely tell me. This makes me not trust her. I couldn't be with a girl who viewed sex as just whatever and freely gave it out. So this is what caused me to start questioning her past to see if she was promiscuous or not, or any other red flags. I'll admit I have my own baggage too, I've been cheated on twice in my last relationship of 10 years, and I have suffered in the past from clinical depression as well. So I'm super sensitive to someone cheating on me.

 

You have to go with your gut and MOST OF ALL, base it on how she treats you. Don't worry about her past or what happened. If she has been good and faithful to you, then THAT is what you judge her on.

Maybe my gut feelings are overblown because of my own past? This girl has shown me a lot of love and has been really good/faithful since we agreed to be exclusive. I feel like I'm punishing her for her past, but at the same time if I can't get straight answers I'm left to assume the worst. I just feel that someone's past can be a good indicator on future behavior. But I have an obsessive mind, as many of you can already tell, so I could be blowing things out of proportion. That's why I came here for other people's insight.

[Adele0908]

Honestly, if you are a person who judges himself and others as a RULE, then you will not be strong enough to be with this woman. It takes a strong, confident man who doesn't care about other people's opinions and who is in control of his ego to be with someone in her situation.

 

If you care about her and want this relationship to work, it would benefit you to do some research on rape trauma syndrome. You talk about how great she has been to you, how loving she is, but you are stuck in the past. I myself have survived sexual abuse, so I know what she wants, and that is someone in her life who won't judge her. Can you be that person?

 

It doesn't seem like you are, since you use terms like "slut". If you believe that it is okay to call women who have more sex than you are comfortable with "sluts", then you may not be progressive enough to date her. You have to be on a different level of consciousness to not judge and punish others. Like Jesus, for example.

 

But at the same time, if she is still trapped in the misery of her past, it is not your job to bring her out of it. Only she can do that. all you can do is hold her accountable for her actions TODAY. Not her actions from 10 years ago. That requires that you live in the PRESENT at ALL times, and NOT the past.

 

Basically you have to decide if you are willing to be with this woman. Do the pros outweigh the cons? Is she what you want? Or would prefer to just be friends right now, be a listening ear and shoulder to cry on, while building trust between you? Even if you ended up not dating her, your friendship could be just as valuable to her. You might build a lasting friendship with her and learn new things from each other.

 

It seems like you are trying your best in this delicate situation and that is to be applauded.

[imtooconfused]

Adele0908, I like all that you have to say. I have said this woman will be a handful and it will take a very strong man to date her. But I would like to engage you in a conversation about one statement:

 

If you believe that it is okay to call women who have more sex than you are comfortable with "sluts"

 

Yes, the word slut is a very negative term and should be avoided. But there is very clear distinction between wanting more sex than your partner and wanting more partners than just your partner. It would be wrong to criticize the OP for wanting an exclusive relationship. I grew up understanding that being in a "dating" relationship is considered to be exclusive at least with respect to sex. That may have changed in modern times, how the hell do I know. But at least I thought an "open" relationship was negotiated and not assumed and the assumption was exclusivity rather than having to negotiate that.

 

This site is riddled with victims of men who wanted more sex than their partner and turned to other partners to meet that need. In my day, this was called two-timing which had very negative connotations. These men are typically termed "players" which is widely recognized as the equivalent of "male slut." So can we at least agree the OPs friend's pattern of serial monogamy and non-monogamy is a clue that she may be a female player and may not be an appropriate partner for a non-player male?

[therhythm]

This might be off-topic, and I apologise.

 

Keenly, did OP not have sex with her the second time they hung out, too? What makes you think that she will bang other guys, and he won't bang other girls if that is your indicator of future behaviour?

 

Applause!!!!

 

People usually forget that to have sex 2 persons are involved... so why would you condemn one and not the other one?

[todreaminblue]

Honestly, if you are a person who judges himself and others as a RULE, then you will not be strong enough to be with this woman. It takes a strong, confident man who doesn't care about other people's opinions and who is in control of his ego to be with someone in her situation.

 

If you care about her and want this relationship to work, it would benefit you to do some research on rape trauma syndrome. You talk about how great she has been to you, how loving she is, but you are stuck in the past. I myself have survived sexual abuse, so I know what she wants, and that is someone in her life who won't judge her. Can you be that person?

 

It doesn't seem like you are, since you use terms like "slut". If you believe that it is okay to call women who have more sex than you are comfortable with "sluts", then you may not be progressive enough to date her. You have to be on a different level of consciousness to not judge and punish others. Like Jesus, for example.

 

But at the same time, if she is still trapped in the misery of her past, it is not your job to bring her out of it. Only she can do that. all you can do is hold her accountable for her actions TODAY. Not her actions from 10 years ago. That requires that you live in the PRESENT at ALL times, and NOT the past.

 

Basically you have to decide if you are willing to be with this woman. Do the pros outweigh the cons? Is she what you want? Or would prefer to just be friends right now, be a listening ear and shoulder to cry on, while building trust between you? Even if you ended up not dating her, your friendship could be just as valuable to her. You might build a lasting friendship with her and learn new things from each other.

 

It seems like you are trying your best in this delicate situation and that is to be applauded.

 

 

such a thoughtful post.....and as another survivor of childhood abuse...i second every word..I know it takes a certain kind of man to get over a past of a partner that involves abuse and some men just cant.....deb

[kingston03]

Obvious red flags. You should run, and run far far away.

 

I think for the most part, this girl may have good intentions but she can't stick to her guns about them. She honestly probably has 2 other boyfriends other than you. I'm only saying this because I've known some girls to do this. It's hard to over come because she's placing sexual encounters as a way for her to feel accepted and loved by people who don't even love or accept her.

 

I wish you the best if you continue on with this relationship, but if you want to know the honest truth, I wouldn't be her boyfriend and especially in a long distance relationship if I were you.

[Adele0908]

Adele0908, I like all that you have to say. I have said this woman will be a handful and it will take a very strong man to date her. But I would like to engage you in a conversation about one statement:

 

 

 

Yes, the word slut is a very negative term and should be avoided. But there is very clear distinction between wanting more sex than your partner and wanting more partners than just your partner. It would be wrong to criticize the OP for wanting an exclusive relationship. I grew up understanding that being in a "dating" relationship is considered to be exclusive at least with respect to sex. That may have changed in modern times, how the hell do I know. But at least I thought an "open" relationship was negotiated and not assumed and the assumption was exclusivity rather than having to negotiate that.

 

This site is riddled with victims of men who wanted more sex than their partner and turned to other partners to meet that need. In my day, this was called two-timing which had very negative connotations. These men are typically termed "players" which is widely recognized as the equivalent of "male slut." So can we at least agree the OPs friend's pattern of serial monogamy and non-monogamy is a clue that she may be a female player and may not be an appropriate partner for a non-player male?

 

I'm not referring to a female player or a male "slut".

 

If you want an exclusive relationship and also want to play the field, or feel compelled to play the field because your partner is not to your satisfaction, that is different situation.

 

That is a person who does not want to be monogamous.

 

But I don't get that from the OP. His partner wants to be monogamous but has problems trusting him and trusting men. Her past is a reflection of not wanting to connect with men long-term.

 

It is not so much her past or even his past that I was addressing, but her present. How does she feel NOW?

 

What does she want NOW? Because we all know we cannot change the past.

 

Most women that I know don't want more sex than they have. They want more INTIMACY. They want someone who can accept them and be there for them and understand their needs. Sometimes they go to other men to fulfill that need. It's neediness. Men do it too. They try to get their needs fulfilled by women who cannot do that.

 

I know for me, I don't want more sex, but I would like more attraction, connection and intimacy with my current partner. I know that men frequently feel the same way.

[John316C]

by having a higher interest level than her you are weaker than her. when she find this out she will loose attraction for you.

 

dont give your heart away to anyone unless they earn it. if you give it to her when she hasnt earned it you are the woman and she is the man and when she finds this out she will loose attraction for you.

 

once you own her mind, body and soul, you've slept with her several times and she tells you my everything belongs to you - then, that person can create an effect on you.

 

in order to have an effect on this girl for good in a lasting way she has to realize you are more valuable than her. that you are the alpha and she is the beta. she has to chase you but cut the mind games that doesn't work (unless shes not too smart).

[pcplod]

Maybe my gut feelings are overblown because of my own past?

 

I'm glad that you have asked this question (of yourself) because I was about to suggest that there is another half to this equation ie you.

 

You have made reference to your own past that suggests that you potentially have 'red flags' of your own? Maybe the most objective way that you can hope to look at this situation is that you are both incompatible sexually and emotionally, at least where you both are right now. To top everything you are in a long distance relationship. On a good day, with a following wind, an awful lot of people find sustaining a long-term relationship incredibly difficult. It only takes you to casually glance at some of the stories about LTRs on LS to figure that out.

 

Two or three of the women respondents here who have talked about their experience of sexual assault have talked about how hard it can be for a subsequent partner to help them deal with it as well as deal with it themselves. They talk about a "strong man". I don't think you are that strong man and I don't think that you think that you are that strong man.

 

I would suggest that you have two broad choices.

 

1. Anticipate potential trouble and avoid it. That effectively means finishing this relationship now by telling her that you can't cope with it and that it would be unfair of you to keep her labouring under the illusion that you can.
   
2. Wait for the trouble to occur, if it is to occur and then deal with it.
   

You would be quite the man if you honestly think that you can do that. It would be a definite positive development if you could come to terms with the notion that you can take on considerable trauma and stress and manage the experience in a positive way. However, there are very few of us who are truly capable of doing that and there would be no shame in accepting that and in being honest about it.

[Combo]

I went fishing to catch a fish to eat for dinner. I hooked this one fish and reeled it in. It smelled a bit rotten and was off-color and had strange secretions near its gills. My gut feel was that eating this for dinner would make me ill and that I should throw it back and catch another fish. Instead I decided to visit loveshack.org and ask for a second opinion. What do you think guys?

 

Seriously buddy this woman is not relationship material, find another.