Do you STILL think your "looks" are holding you back? (for the Struggling Fellas)

[Mr_Flay]

Wouldn't all "unattractive" people be inherently "not attractive" since they too lack the things that spark instant attraction...?

 

Yes, in a sense, only it's much worse than merely not being attractive. In other words, there's a difference between repulsing and not attracting (or being completely neutral/bland).

 

On self-confidence: imagine a trainee pilot entering a real plane for the first time in her life. Can she really be as confident in flying as veteran aviators without having ever experience the feeling of piloting an aircraft, despite hundreds or thousands of hours of training in a flight simulator?

[Star Gazer]

I saw a guy at a charity meeting last night who I hadn't seen in person in a year. Aesthetically, he's one of the ugliest people I've ever known. He's literally a cross between David Letterman and Lurch from Goonies.

 

But he always has a pretty girlfriend. Always. And I was reminded of why when he got up in front of the room to make an announcement. He's charming and confident, and above all else, he's happy with himself and makes others feel good too. Not one ounce of bitterness with that guy.

[ThaWholigan]

Indeed, because in similar situations in the guy's past, that is what actually happened. So when you put your hand on a hot stove, and it's always hot, what do you expect to happen when you put your hand on that stove the next time?

 

 

 

Absolutely; and it's why I so heavily discount the "just have confidence" advice given to adult men who never experienced that early socialization and "success" while they were growing up as kids. If you wake up every day and see the sky is blue, you're going to expect the sky is blue the next morning you wake up. If someone tells you the sky is actually red, no amount of "confidence" will be convincing enough to make you believe the sky is red until you wake up and see a red sky.

So do they go to the other extreme? Because that would be worse.

[somedude81]

I saw a guy at a charity meeting last night who I hadn't seen in person in a year. Aesthetically, he's one of the ugliest people I've ever known. He's literally a cross between David Letterman and Lurch from Goonies.

 

But he always has a pretty girlfriend. Always. And I was reminded of why when he got up in front of the room to make an announcement. He's charming and confident, and above all else, he's happy with himself and makes others feel good too. Not one ounce of bitterness with that guy.

What's the point in bringing up bitterness or negativity?

 

Do you really encounter that many men in real life who are obviously bitter and negative about their appearance or something related to it?

[Star Gazer]

What's the point in bringing up bitterness or negativity?

 

Because that's what's holding the unsuccessful guys back; not their appearance.

 

Do you really encounter that many men in real life who are obviously bitter and negative about their appearance or something related to it?

 

No. The only bitter and negative men I ever encounter are on LS.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I have a friend as well that's quite below average looking. 5'6', overweight and unpleasant looking face. He is also confident, charming and a talented pianist. He is rarely single and all the girls he is with are a lot prettier than him. go figure...

[somedude81]

Because that's what's holding the unsuccessful guys back; not their appearance.

 

 

 

No. The only bitter and negative men I ever encounter are on LS.

I'm sorry, is the last sentence sarcasm or something you meant? I can't tell.

[jma500]

I do. There is one in my office. He does have a girlfriend currently but he is very shy so he is holding onto her. He is good looking, I see how women look at him in the pub. He is painfully shy however. I can think of 3 good looking shy men top of my head who struggle with women.

 

He isnt struggling with women, he has a girlfriend and is checked out/chatted up regularly. He is struggling with himself. The guys who are truly struggling with women have no girlfriend and do not get checked out /chatted up ever. I remember going to bars in my early to mid twenties and never was chatted up/ checked out once. After that bars and drinking became boring.

[Star Gazer]

Yup. I know several guys like that, ES.

 

Beyond the face, height is a another perfect example. Short guys who don't give an eff about their height have no trouble with the ladies, even the ladies who typically only go for tall guys. But the bitter/angry short guys, they always have a hard time.

 

Same thing goes for weight.

 

And race.

 

And hair color.

 

And whatever else.

 

Even the ladies... The prettiest girls who lack confidence or have negative attitudes? They struggle. The plain Janes or the chubby girls who light up the room with their personalities? No trouble.

 

It's why "when it rains, it pours." It's the attitude one gives off that makes the opposite sex swarm.

[Star Gazer]

I'm sorry, is the last sentence sarcasm or something you meant? I can't tell.

 

No, it's the straight truth. I have never met men IRL like the ones that make up the majority of LS. It's why I've never believed LS to be a true representation of the population.

 

But of course that's easily explained. People come to LS at first when they're struggling, so there's naturally going to be less happy/fulfilled people here. We're all looking for love, we are all on the same search. But different people have different causes of their troubles, although I'd gather that at the end of the day, it all comes down to some level of insecurity. Sometimes that insecurity is more negative (manifesting in bitterness) and other times it is actually more positive (which you see in the folks who are seeking personal growth instead of blame shifting).

[jma500]

I have a friend as well that's quite below average looking. 5'6', overweight and unpleasant looking face. He is also confident, charming and a talented pianist. He is rarely single and all the girls he is with are a lot prettier than him. go figure...

 

Go figure: he is a talented pianist. Musicians get way more attention from women than most other guys. That someone has to explain this to you is mind boggling.

[Star Gazer]

Go figure: he is a talented pianist. Musicians get way more attention from women than most other guys. That someone has to explain this to you is mind boggling.

 

Right. He has something to offer besides a pretty face. "That someone has to explain this to you is mind boggling."

[Star Gazer]

Yet the overweight and short are mostly single. No worries. You dismiss all this with a flick of the "They be angry/bitter" wand. By default you see the overweight and short as being naturally bitter. This is just another form of prejudice hidden in dishonest verbiage.

 

Again, the only negative and bitter men I "meet" are on LS.

 

Like ES, IRL I know plenty of short, overweight, and/or unattractive men who are happily attached to women who are prettier than they are. Not a single one of them are angry, bitter, negative, unhappy people.

 

Happy, fun, confident people are fun to be around, ya know? They really are. Try being one. See how it works for you. I promise good results.

[jma500]

Right. He has something to offer besides a pretty face. "That someone has to explain this to you is mind boggling."

 

Whatever. Musical talent trumps looks, insecurity, etc. Just look at how many homely, drug and alcohol addicted rock stars there are. But a regular looking guy with the same problems no chance.

[ThaWholigan]

Whatever. Musical talent trumps looks, insecurity, etc. Just look at how many homely, drug and alcohol addicted rock stars there are. But a regular looking guy with the same problems no chance.

I'm a pianist/rapper/beat-maker - I'm not exactly swimming in pussy .

 

Then again, I'm not fussed either so........

[USMCHokie]

No. The only bitter and negative men I ever encounter are on LS.

 

This would actually make sense because outside of your immediate social circle, you'd have no incentive to meet those who were physically unattractive. So naturally, you wouldn't encounter "bitter and negative" men in real life. They're there; you just don't meet them and get to know them because they don't pass muster physically.

 

On LS, you don't have that luxury of being able to screen for attractiveness.

[jma500]

I'm a pianist/rapper/beat-maker - I'm not exactly swimming in pussy .

 

Then again, I'm not fussed either so........

 

What is fussed?

[Star Gazer]

This would actually make sense because outside of your immediate social circle, you'd have no incentive to meet those who were physically unattractive. So naturally, you wouldn't encounter "bitter and negative" men in real life.

 

Huh? Didn't you just read what I wrote above, about the hideous guy in my social circle? And ugly guys I work with? Huh?

[ThaWholigan]

What is fussed?

Fussed = bothered. I don't care that much. Basically I'm not unhappy about it.

[Maleficent]

Wow.

 

Crazy how people didn't get the point of this story.

 

It looks like men are just too comfortable in their present situation to try and fix it. It does require effort on your part - you would rather sit there complaining how your life sucks and how you can't get laid and how it's everyone else's fault but yours.

 

Sad. very sad.

[Star Gazer]

More food for thoughts, guys.

 

Biologically, men and women are attracted by different things. Men are predominantly attracted by the visual, as certain physical qualities denote a woman who'd reproduce well. Women are predominantly attracted by qualities that would make a good relationship partner, such as the ability to provide and share common interests and be a positive part of her life.

 

When men ask themselves, "Is it my looks [rather than something substantive about your personality] that is holding me back?", they're projecting what attracts THEM to women, not the other way around.

 

This is why so many people fail at OLD, IMO. Men, who are visual, post pictures of themselves shirtless and looking oh so attractive, talking about what they love to do and what makes them cool ("Hey, look at me!"), sort of peacocking, thinking that the visual will attract the opposite sex, leaving out of their profile what women really want to hear: what makes them a good relationship partner, or that they're looking for a relationship at all (even if they are).

 

Women, who are more attracted by partnership qualities and shared interests, post pictures of themselves hiking and skydiving and traveling (interests they want to share with a man) and talk about the qualities they're looking for in a mate, thinking that will attract a man, because the guy reading her profile will think, "She's just like me and looking for me! Yay!"

 

Doesn't work for either of them, because they're posting from a place that explains what attracts them, as opposed to posting in a way that attracts the opposite sex.

 

It would behoove men to showcase - IRL or OLD, whichever the venue - what attracts women, that is, what makes them good relationship partners. Being attractive doesn't make someone a good relationship partner. Being positive, having a sense of humor, being sincerely happy and full of life, a man of integrity, sharing common interests, desiring commitment, passion, etc., - THAT's what makes good relationship partners for most women. That's what attracts us.

 

For relationship oriented people, this is precisely why the super hot guy who writes, "Hey cutie :)" in an email without anything more, and who's profile really only talks about his military service or how cool he is or how much he digs wakeboarding, gets him nowhere, whereas the average Joe, who might even be conventionally unattractive to most women, who posts pictures of himself holding his Godchild, and talking about how close he is with his family, and is looking forward to one of his own, or something like that, and who writes a woman an email tailored to her profile to show sincere interest in who she is, will get tons more responses.

 

Just food for thought.

[Star Gazer]

Quantify plenty. Then define short, overweight, and unattractive in concrete terms.

 

I already did that. A cross between David Letterman and Lurch from the Goonies.

[jma500]

Fussed = bothered. I don't care that much. Basically I'm not unhappy about it.

 

I am not bothered either. There is very little in life i get bothered about especially women and relationships. I look at it this way: some people get em and some don't. That is life.

[Maleficent]

The men who are good at dating put little effort into it. The men who do poorly can pour as much effort into it as possible and still end up with nothing to show for it. The lucky ones of that set might get very small returns.

 

Some men are good at dating and others aren't. Not much can change that.

 

lmao. Yes. there are a lot that can change that.

Again, like I said «cry,cry,cry, moan, moan, moan, not my fault, I can't do anything about it, poor me, evil tall guy who get all the women and I don't»

[Star Gazer]

That tells a person nothing. No one could tell how that description would pertain to weight or physical attractiveness especially when there are many women who find Letterman attractive. Completely irrelevant to shortness considering both were quite tall. I am assuming you meant Sloth since Lurch was from the Addams family.

 

 

If there are many women who'd find a cross between Letterman and the "thing" from Goonies attractive, then clearly there are many women who'd find every guy in this thread who claims to be unattractive, attractive.