He dropped off the face of the earth. I wish he would come back

[scorpio1978]

I cannot even believe my fingers are allowing me to type this when I pretty much know what I need to do, but my poor heart actually hurts and I am wondering if there is any hope here.

 

Guy I met and dated for 2 months was awesome. I met his family, slept over, met his friends, etc. and all was well. He started to get distant and stopped initiating texts, calls, or making plans. I tried to talk to him and tell him I got the vibe that he was losing interest, at which point he told me I was wrong and he was just busy at work, that he doesn't play games etc., but the behavior did not change and I started to feel awkward around him, like impending doom was coming. A few more weeks of him being aloof was enough for me. I sent him a text (yes, I know, I should have talked to him, but it had been 4 days since I heard from him and wasn't sure he even wanted to talk to me). I told him that I didn't think he wanted to date me or talk to me anyone, it was pretty obvious by his aloof behavior and I laid out a few reasons why I felt that way. I told him I think I want/need more than he does but wanted to make sure things weren't awkward at work since we are pretty close to each other. No response.

 

Yep, writing is on the wall. Sad thing is, despite this, I am having a difficult time walking away. I never had feelings like this for someone so early on and I honestly got that "He is the one" feeling, despite being so incredibly scared and insecure at times. I am not sure what happened and probably will never find out why, but him ignoring me hurts.

 

I sent a follow up text and simply said "Hey, not going to bug you and yes, I am bummed things got weird. I am not really sure why and I suppose it doesn't matter, but I just wanted you to know that I enjoyed our time together, thank you for helping me pick out my wetsuit (he took me surfing), and no hard feelings"

 

That's it. I will NOT contact him any more. I don't want to come across crazy and hope I didn't already. I just was wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation and if time apart changed anything? I don't know why, but I wish he would come around and change his mind...

[aisuru]

Yep, he already thinks you're crazy.

 

NO CONTACT. NO CONTACT. At all. Even if he decides to respond, throwing you breadcrumbs.

 

You deserve better. Hang on to your self respect and move on.

 

You will be better for it.

[scorpio1978]

Yep, he already thinks you're crazy.

 

NO CONTACT. NO CONTACT. At all. Even if he decides to respond, throwing you breadcrumbs.

 

You deserve better. Hang on to your self respect and move on.

 

You will be better for it.

 

And here I was thinking I was being the bigger person and being polite when I knew he really didn't deserve it. Trying not to hold onto hate/anger/hurt and bring good karma my way by not being nasty to people. Thank you though. I do deserve better.

[Lostint]

 

That's it. I will NOT contact him any more. I don't want to come across crazy and hope I didn't already. I just was wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation and if time apart changed anything? I don't know why, but I wish he would come around and change his mind...

 

When did you send him the text?

 

If its been a couple of days and he hasn't replied at all, he'd want to have a pretty good excuse - something along the lines of being abducted and held hostage for a couple of days. I mean, it's pretty disrespectful to not even reply. I get that you really liked him, but you have to keep some sense of your own self-respect: do you really think your future husband would just completely ignore you like that? It doesn't make him sound like a very good person.

 

I think when we really like a guy we can sometimes fall into the trap of giving him all the power and accepting pretty shoddy behaviour. Ask yourself whether you'd accept this behaviour from a friend. You'd expect your boyfriend to treat you even better than your friends treat you.

[scorpio1978]

When did you send him the text?

 

If its been a couple of days and he hasn't replied at all, he'd want to have a pretty good excuse - something along the lines of being abducted and held hostage for a couple of days. I mean, it's pretty disrespectful to not even reply. I get that you really liked him, but you have to keep some sense of your own self-respect: do you really think your future husband would just completely ignore you like that? It doesn't make him sound like a very good person.

 

I think when we really like a guy we can sometimes fall into the trap of giving him all the power and accepting pretty shoddy behaviour. Ask yourself whether you'd accept this behaviour from a friend. You'd expect your boyfriend to treat you even better than your friends treat you.

 

I sent the initial text about how I was feeling 3 days ago and didn't hear anything. The second one was just about 2 hours ago, but it's not like it's almost midnight and he could be sleeping or not have gotten it. I do agree though that this is disrespectful. Truth is, I am really intrigued by people and the human mind and I just don't GET IT. Like what is the purpose of totally ignoring someone? I was a sweetheart to him. Treated him very well and was incredibly respectful and downright doting, though keeping my distance so as not to be too clingy. It's downright mind boggling. Say something, anything. "Sorry" or "Go away" or.....SOMETHING. People are so mean sometimes.

[Lostint]

I agree. I think ignoring someone is the absolute worst thing you can do. It's like saying 'you're completely insignificant'. You didn't do anything to deserve this, it's all on him. Try to remember that his actions reflect HIM, they are nothing to do with you. Don't allow this to make you feel insignificant.

[scorpio1978]

Thank you, lostint. I appreciate your kindness. Being such a loving person and wanting to take care of people and make sure they are happy, I am so terrified of becoming jaded and will be a shriveled up meanie by the time the "right one" comes around. Is there even such a thing? These games are getting old!! It is a very real fear of mine that the constant disappointment I face in relationships will change me. So, I keep on seeing the good in people time and time again.

[Lostint]

 

Guy I met and dated for 2 months was awesome. I met his family, slept over, met his friends, etc. and all was well. He started to get distant and stopped initiating texts, calls, or making plans. I tried to talk to him and tell him I got the vibe that he was losing interest, at which point he told me I was wrong and he was just busy at work, that he doesn't play games etc., but the behavior did not change and I started to feel awkward around him, like impending doom was coming. A few more weeks of him being aloof was enough for me. I sent him a text (yes, I know, I should have talked to him, but it had been 4 days since I heard from him and wasn't sure he even wanted to talk to me). I told him that I didn't think he wanted to date me or talk to me anyone, it was pretty obvious by his aloof behavior and I laid out a few reasons why I felt that way. I told him I think I want/need more than he does but wanted to make sure things weren't awkward at work since we are pretty close to each other. No response.

 

I sent a follow up text and simply said "Hey, not going to bug you and yes, I am bummed things got weird. I am not really sure why and I suppose it doesn't matter, but I just wanted you to know that I enjoyed our time together, thank you for helping me pick out my wetsuit (he took me surfing), and no hard feelings"

 

The way you reacted here actually really reminded me of myself in my last two relationships. I'm not intending to criticize at all (especially because I can completely relate to your behaviour), but the way you reacted is quite passive. For a start, you have no need to apologise for 'bugging' this guy - you were in a relationship with him, you have every right to expect a response to your text. But also, coming to conclusions about what his behaviour meant - because he was withdrawing (or so it seemed, anyway), you came to the conclusion that he wasn't that in to you and broke up with him. This is pretty much the same thing I did with my boyfriend. In retrospect, I think if you ask someone if something's up, and they say everything's fine, you should probably believe them. However, if they aren't giving you what you need in the relationship, then you have every right to explain what it is that you need (more attention, for example). They can then choose to try and meet those needs, or not. I kind of think you should probably have had that conversation before breaking it off.

 

Like I said, I hope this doesn't sound like criticism. I've learnt some stuff about my own behaviour by going to see a counsellor and one thing I've realised is that I have been quite passive- agressive in my last two relationships, and I need to learn to be assertive.

 

In any case, it seems like this guy proved his worth by not responding to you at all. So I wouldn't waste time having any regrets about this one.

[scorpio1978]

The way you reacted here actually really reminded me of myself in my last two relationships. I'm not intending to criticize at all (especially because I can completely relate to your behaviour), but the way you reacted is quite passive. For a start, you have no need to apologise for 'bugging' this guy - you were in a relationship with him, you have every right to expect a response to your text. But also, coming to conclusions about what his behaviour meant - because he was withdrawing (or so it seemed, anyway), you came to the conclusion that he wasn't that in to you and broke up with him. This is pretty much the same thing I did with my boyfriend. In retrospect, I think if you ask someone if something's up, and they say everything's fine, you should probably believe them. However, if they aren't giving you what you need in the relationship, then you have every right to explain what it is that you need (more attention, for example). They can then choose to try and meet those needs, or not. I kind of think you should probably have had that conversation before breaking it off.

 

Like I said, I hope this doesn't sound like criticism. I've learnt some stuff about my own behaviour by going to see a counsellor and one thing I've realised is that I have been quite passive- agressive in my last two relationships, and I need to learn to be assertive.

 

In any case, it seems like this guy proved his worth by not responding to you at all. So I wouldn't waste time having any regrets about this one.

 

 

Thanks again, lostint. I didn't want to write a novel, but I had a face to face conversation with him about 2 weeks ago and explained how I was feeling about him losing interest, etc., he said I was wrong, he just got busy at work, etc. , but his behavior never changed. It actually got worse. I think if somebody told me that and I really liked them, I would wise up and start acting right. This is a guy who our first week together, set his alarm at 5 am to send me a "have a safe flight text" when I traveled. Little things like that to going a whole 5 days without even speaking to me and responding when I got a promotion at work with "nice". I could go on and on, but the point is, you summed it up with "He proved his worth" with not responding. I never even looked at it like that and you're right. He made no effort to give what I needed and no effort to even change things. Yeah, he had to go, sadly. I think part of me will always wonder if I held on and was a little less hard on myself and assuming if it would have changed, but I need certain things from a man. I don't ask for much, despite doing so much for others, but I do need some attention here and there. I have to move on...

[totallylost5040]

Scorpio1978

 

I've had the same issues, except with a girl. I think in this situation, just give it time, maybe after a month go ahead and say something one more time, if no answer then you HAVE your closure.

 

I was dating a girl that just abruptly ended it with and said she didn't have any feelings. Partially my fault because I didn't listen to any of the "signs" but most breakups occur when there is no clear lines of communications to go through. We only dated exclusively for 3 months but I thought I was happy. It's hard to go back to that now but i've been on NC for about 2 weeks trying to heal a broken heart and a broken mind.

 

I was ready to start a long term commitment and it just fizzled out on her end, she broke up with me after she came back after a 12 day business trip, sucks huh?

 

But I would say, you deserve better, everyone needs to be treated with some respect, period. We ALL deserve as much effort as we put into a relationship, especially when it starts and deserve someone who won't RUN like a chicken at the first sight of ONE thing that goes wrong. It needs to be worked out. Relationships aren't always going to be natural. period.

[scorpio1978]

Scorpio1978

 

I've had the same issues, except with a girl. I think in this situation, just give it time, maybe after a month go ahead and say something one more time, if no answer then you HAVE your closure.

 

I was dating a girl that just abruptly ended it with and said she didn't have any feelings. Partially my fault because I didn't listen to any of the "signs" but most breakups occur when there is no clear lines of communications to go through. We only dated exclusively for 3 months but I thought I was happy. It's hard to go back to that now but i've been on NC for about 2 weeks trying to heal a broken heart and a broken mind.

 

I was ready to start a long term commitment and it just fizzled out on her end, she broke up with me after she came back after a 12 day business trip, sucks huh?

 

But I would say, you deserve better, everyone needs to be treated with some respect, period. We ALL deserve as much effort as we put into a relationship, especially when it starts and deserve someone who won't RUN like a chicken at the first sight of ONE thing that goes wrong. It needs to be worked out. Relationships aren't always going to be natural. period.

 

I agree and am sorry for the hurt you're going through as well. I am going to focus on me now and not say another word. I don't hold grudges so maybe in the future, we can be civil. I am mature enough for that. I don't think he is clearly. We work across the street from each other and I get there before he does usually. Today, it was the same time. I went on about my business, he lingered in his car and got out after me so he was about 20 paces behind me. I didn't look to see him or make it obvious. I just went on about my morning. To hell with him

[totallylost5040]

I totally wish I could say that about this girl too... but its so ENGRAINED in my head that I can't get it out, we spent time away on vacation too, which makes it EVEN WORSE, ARGH.

 

I'm glad you can think that way, sometimes remembering the crappy things about people can get you over the hump.

 

Sucks that you work across the street from him, no bueno. I don't hold grudges also, so hopefully for me it'll work better, i haven't had much luck getting advice on this forum.

[Drseussgrrl]

Scorpio I've read the history on this guy.

 

First of all, it is NEVER a good idea to date a guy going through a divorce. There are a myriad of feelings and emotions he's feeling as this chapter in his life is coming to an end, and a new budding relationship might seem exciting to him at first, but then as the expectations set in, he freaked. He's grieving, believe it or not. He probably won't be ready for anything else substantial for quite some time. Trust.

 

Secondly, I want you to learn this very valuable lesson. When a man's behavior suddenly changes, or he grows distant, the very last thing you do is go chasing after him, ESPECIALLY in the beginning stages of a relationship. He could have been feeling a bit of uncertainty, and when you start peppering him with questions or putting him on the spot, it only serves to push him away further. Were you exclusive with him? If not, why weren't you dating other men? The best thing you could have done was pulled back just as much as he did, and waited for him to contact you. Then, when he did, your response is light, breezy, and you have so much to tell him about all the fun stuff you've been up to. Men LOVE THIS. "Wow, she didn't freak like the girls usually do, what gives?" After all - you were just dating, not in a relationship, and you were already acting like a girlfriend.

 

Men freak when they feel that we are more invested than they are. This is one of the main reasons that relationships fail to get off the ground. I mean for crying out loud you were having feelings that he was "The ONE" and the ink isn't even dried on his divorce papers yet. When we meet a guy and get all googly-eyed and they know they've got us in the palm of their hand, it's an attraction-killer.

 

Men value what they have to work for. Next time, just chill the eff out and suss a dude out over a few months. Enjoy the time you spend with him and make every experience with you a FUN one. No pressure, no expectations, just make him an option in your life that you're having fun with until he makes it clear he wants to nail you down as his girlfriend.

 

Got it?

[Minneloa]

^^^This is some damn good advice, for the OP and in general. Thanks, DSG.

[Drseussgrrl]

^^^This is some damn good advice, for the OP and in general. Thanks, DSG.

 

Dude I have made all of these same classic mistakes with men over the years.

 

Men are kind of like rubber bands. You have to be that tension that helps them snap back. An anchor, if you will. When they take a step back, you mirror it. Too many times we women want to "lean forward" because it's in our nature to fix things. But that rarely works.

 

When I first started dating my dude we actually hung out 4 times the second week. In reality that's too much, and my insecurities started rearing their ugly head and I started with the whole "omg where is this going" crap. I mean come on after two weeks?

 

After that, I didn't hear from him for FOUR DAYS. He didn't contact me at all. And you know what? The fact that I didn't lean in made an impact, because sure enough he came sniffing around again right before Memorial Day. I had made plans already for the weekend, and he told me to have fun. I left it at that, and once again he contacted me when we both got back into town.

 

Since then, I've been letting him come my way and it's getting better and better. He'll still let a day or two go by without contact, but I never let it rattle me. I'm busy with my own sh*t. Yesterday, I decided that maybe after this long I'd contact him first (after he had invited me on a camping trip the day before), and he asked me out right away and we have plans for tomorrow night.

 

He told me over the weekend that he really likes having me in my life and that with me, it's "easy". He once thanked me for asking him if he needed downtime after work on a night we had plans. I know that he sincerely appreciates the fact that I'm receptive to his masculine energy and that these things can't be forced. We're not moving at a cannon ball speed but it's steady, light and fun and there are many things I'm becoming to really love about him.

 

Bottom line, this is the first time I haven't let my fear and insecurity dictate how I'm letting this thing play out. Men will always do what they want to do.

 

Anyway sorry for the thread hijack. OP - I've been you, many times, and this is the lesson I've learned.

[scorpio1978]

Damnit!! I am such crap at this! Totally regretting my actions. I have to back off now and not because I want to but because I am going to come off crazy if I don't. The red flags were there, I chose to ignore them. He introduced me as his GF to his family so of course expectations come with that. I just didn't have it in me to sit back idling, waiting for him to come around and now I will never know what could have happened, only what did. it felt bad being placed on the back burner for sure but this feels worse. No fixing this one, sadly.

[Drseussgrrl]

Damnit!! I am such crap at this! Totally regretting my actions. I have to back off now and not because I want to but because I am going to come off crazy if I don't. The red flags were there, I chose to ignore them. He introduced me as his GF to his family so of course expectations come with that. I just didn't have it in me to sit back idling, waiting for him to come around and now I will never know what could have happened, only what did. it felt bad being placed on the back burner for sure but this feels worse. No fixing this one, sadly.

 

Don't beat yourself up. But I definitely would go get your hands on "Why Men Love B*tches". Like, download it now. It will change your dating life.

[Sunshine87]

Dude I have made all of these same classic mistakes with men over the years.

 

Men are kind of like rubber bands. You have to be that tension that helps them snap back. An anchor, if you will. When they take a step back, you mirror it. Too many times we women want to "lean forward" because it's in our nature to fix things. But that rarely works.

 

When I first started dating my dude we actually hung out 4 times the second week. In reality that's too much, and my insecurities started rearing their ugly head and I started with the whole "omg where is this going" crap. I mean come on after two weeks?

 

After that, I didn't hear from him for FOUR DAYS. He didn't contact me at all. And you know what? The fact that I didn't lean in made an impact,

because sure enough he came sniffing around again right before Memorial Day. I had made plans already for the weekend, and he told me to have fun. I left it at that, and once again he contacted me when we both got back into town.

 

Since then, I've been letting him come my way and it's getting better and better. He'll still let a day or two go by without contact, but I never let it

rattle

me. I'm busy with my own sh*t. Yesterday, I decided that maybe after this long I'd contact him first (after he had invited me on a camping trip the day before), and he asked me out right away and we have plans for

tomorrow night.

 

He told me over the weekend that he really likes having me in my life and that with me, it's "easy". He once thanked me for asking him if he needed downtime after work on a night we had plans. I know that he sincerely

 

appreciates the fact that I'm receptive to his masculine energy and that these things can't be forced. We're not moving at a cannon ball speed but it's steady, light and fun and there are many things I'm becoming to really

love about him.

 

Bottom line, this is the first time I haven't let my fear and insecurity dictate how I'm letting this thing play out. Men will always do what they want to do.

 

Anyway sorry for the thread hijack. OP - I've been you, many times, and this

is the lesson I've learned.

 

Some wise words here. But you sound like you are walking on egg shells. Are you really content? Are you being yourself?

[Drseussgrrl]

Some wise words here. But you sound like you are walking on egg shells. Are you really content? Are you being yourself?

 

I'm content and yes, with him I'm completely myself.

 

It's just important for me not to get ahead of him in the stages we're moving in. As evidenced by the OP, I've been in those situations more times than I'd ever care to admit.

[scorpio1978]

Thank you kind souls for your advice. I appreciate it. I don't think I could have won either way with this one. I wasn't content being laidback, wondering, waiting and hurting and I am certainly not happy without him right now as I had high hopes. Truth is, I think overall, I knew better and played with fire anyway. I don't want to be with someone unable to give me what I need. I should never have to ask if a man is interested in me and I need to be able to be myself and be with a partner who lifts me up, not has me wondering why he isn't calling. I need to learn this lesson and steer clear of these situations in the beginning. I never wanted it to end, rather work on things, but I have to work on myself too and figure out why I chose to date a man emotionally unavailable and then beat myself up when I couldn't bring him around. Why I chose to give more of myself and extend kindness to someone, going out of my way actually when he pulled back, thinking I could change it. I don't need to convince a man of my worth and I cannot beat myself up over this because it wasn't right to begin with.

[scorpio1978]

For those thinking of doing what I did by sending a text...DON'T. Do everything in your power not to. Come to find out my guy was going through some stuff he didn't want to convey to me being that we don't know each other super well and took some time to himself. I took it personally, turned it on me and assumed the worst when it wasn't the case. He thought things were fine and going well, but I reacted in such a way that creeped him out, made him feel pressured and I came across clingy. He is not answering me because he feels uncomfortable by my behavior. Hardest lesson learned. I felt so insecure that I ruined a relationship with a man. Who knows what would have happened? Maybe I would have built up a comfort with him finally. Perhaps he would have come out of his shell when he felt more comfortable with me. Maybe I would have gotten over my insecurity. It could have been something good or ended in a firey crash. Point is, I will never know now. He talked to my co-worker about it. It's over and it's my fault. He doesn't want to talk to me again.

Edited June 7, 2013 by scorpio1978

[Leigh 87]

While it is smart to not be so needy and available, a guy who is really into you and has gotten to know you well enough, will not run at the first sign of, well: craziness.

 

Further, I have yet to meet a dude who is really into a girl, that does not talk to her for days on end; they at least text once a day or every other day. UNLESS they are introverted characters in general.

 

I can see how, in the VERY early stages (weeks), they may be a little turned off if, say, you blow up their phone when they ignore you for 2 or 3 days.

 

In my opinion, though; by a month, guys tend to know me well enough to know if I am worth overlooking a little hiccup of desperation or neediness.

 

They tend to be like "okay, this better not be a reoccurring pattern"

 

I flat out asked my own ex about the weird things I did very early on. He is not a desperate guy that would put up with it for a girl he is not into, and he admitted that : some things freaked me out a lot Leigh, but I felt drawn enough to you to overlook them but HOPE you would not repeat that errant behaviour"

 

I think it could also depend on the guy and his past experiences with women. This guy could have come across women who were too pushy when he withdrew for personal reasons, and he overlooked it in the past; only to realise they were, indeed, needy, insecure and just full of drama.

 

In general though, if a guy is reallllly into a girl after a month (that is ENOUGH to know if the girl is worth sticking around)

 

- incessant calling will turn most well adjusted and non desperate men off

 

- talking about babies and marriage early on

 

- any really deviant behaviour that is just plain odd. On more than one occasion.

 

If a guy is into you, though, I doubt he would have pulled away over ONE incident when you were too pushy.

 

He could have really liked you, but I really feel that by 2 months, a guy has enough of an idea of you to know if they will let one unfortunate event slide.

 

You do not have to act unavailable and consciously try to make them see that "you have a life. You will ignore their calls even if you're actually NOT Busy"

 

If a guy is into you, I firmly believe you can see them multiple times a week, if THEY initiate it early on. If they withdraw, you do tend to back off and let them come to you though.

 

Good luck with the next guy. Remember, a guy who really likes you. A LOT. Will not withdraw all of a sudden and then drop you if you do not give him space. If it is a one time thing you do that, it should not be enough to deter a dude who is really interested in being with you.

[letmoc]

I think you are being too hard on yourself. He could have sent you just a small text once a day to make you feel secure it's not a big deal and it is not something you should feel guilty about wanting. The problem is he has major life things going on and you are just not a priority right now. So find a guy who can give you that security you want and deserve. And when the dust settles for him, I have a feeling he will be back.

[PutARingOnIt]

As soon as he said "I've been busy" I would have told him to kick rocks. When a man says he is busy, it just means he is not interested and too much of a coward to tell you that. Nobody is that freakin' busy. It only takes a few seconds to send a text.

[IS IT Better late]

Scorpio your situation is similar to mine,

 

Except I'm a dude. I had 3 great months with a girl who was trying to get closer and closer to me. Met her parents, did a couple of little day trips together spent the holidays together, all seemed fine.

 

Then not more than a week after the holidays she gets distant, less texting, less enthusiastic to chat with me on the phone and then she becomes less available to hang out and cancels a date with me for the first time since we met.

 

So not knowing any better I go on the chase trying to bring her back to where she was just a few weeks earlier. And I start to look for certainty. She would say the right things but her actions didn't match up as she kept putting space between us.

 

Then a few weeks over she gives me a bunch of BS reasons as to why she doesn't want a realtionship with me.

 

And now I'm here like you. I hate myself b/c maybe I could've turned it around if I would've backed off when she did and not seem needy. Instead I pushed her away.

 

I still don't understand what made her change her stance towards me? Another dude maybe? Afraid of relationships maybe? Who know?

 

But like you im hurting and beating myself up over this, replaying every thing I said and did when she started to pull back.

 

I guess it wasn't meant to be but damn I miss her! Now she jerks me around with the breadcrumbs.