Author scorpio1978 Posted June 7, 2013 Author Posted June 7, 2013 Leigh, you bring up a valid point and a friend of mine (male) said the same thing. That he was thinking for an out to begin with and it blaming the texts as a reason. Nobody is ever that busy and his response of not wanting to be with someone he has to talk to every day says it all- dating would be a chore for him unless he found someone he truly has feelings for and that isn't me. I would rather get to a point where I can face that fact then walk around thinking that it is entirely my fault that something is ruined. I go back and forth and the emotions are a little raw. I am a big lover of people and connections and such, so it will get better and I will be ok, I just miss hanging out with him and really cared for him. I ran into him at a work function today. I smiled big, said hello and moved on. I could tell he was uncomfortable. Perhaps didn't expect to see me. I got a whiff of his cologne and wanted to die inside, but I kept the contact minimal, not wanting to be a crazy girl and chat him up. I know this sounds ridiculous, but I really wish I had a second chance and I really wish the timing was better and we were both at a point where he was ready and I was more laid back. I think we would have been a good match, I really do. If I had a crystal ball right now, it would be so amazing. The "what's going to happen?" is a real pisser. That stupid little romantic chip in my brain says "just relax, keep yourself busy, laugh, smile, be cordial, but not pushy and he will see how great you are and come back around". Riiiight.
Lostint Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 Reaching the acceptance stage is the hardest. Once you accept, it gets much easier. That doesn't necessarily mean agreeing with it, just accepting that it's what he wants and there's nothing you can do about it. I still see my ex at work and try to never get close enough that I can smell him! Cos that just ****s me up and brings me right back...
Author scorpio1978 Posted June 7, 2013 Author Posted June 7, 2013 Reaching the acceptance stage is the hardest. Once you accept, it gets much easier. That doesn't necessarily mean agreeing with it, just accepting that it's what he wants and there's nothing you can do about it. I still see my ex at work and try to never get close enough that I can smell him! Cos that just ****s me up and brings me right back... I am going to have to make some changes in my routine. I will never date anyone is a work environment again because there is no escape from the misery. Bad enough, it's hard to sleep, but I cannot even go my waking hours during the week and focus on anything else for fear he will pop around somewhere. I have this part of me where I want to kinda see him here and there in hopes that maybe I will look exceptionally nice one day or maybe my smile, which he always complimented me on will change things and we can get back on track. Trust me, I know I am fooling myself, but there is just that shred of hope that is so hard to get over.
Lostint Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 Give yourself time, it's only been a few days. It may take weeks or months but eventually you'll be fine again. You'll know you've arrived at 'fine' when you stop making 2 x your normal effort when getting ready in the morning! I made sure I looked fabulous every day for about 4 months after my break up. Now I don't really give a damn anymore. Because I realised I have to be authentic and ok with myself, whether he ever changes his mind or not. Break ups are an opportunity to do a lot of self reflection and getting to know yourself and like yourself better. You'll be a better person at the end of this process. I know that my self esteem is a lot higher than it was a year ago, and that makes me a more pleasant person to be around. I can see that my ex feels more comfortable with me and at least we'll end up friends. He may never recognize my value again but at least I now know my own value. 1
Leigh 87 Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 Leigh, you bring up a valid point and a friend of mine (male) said the same thing. That he was thinking for an out to begin with and it blaming the texts as a reason. Nobody is ever that busy and his response of not wanting to be with someone he has to talk to every day says it all- dating would be a chore for him unless he found someone he truly has feelings for and that isn't me. I would rather get to a point where I can face that fact then walk around thinking that it is entirely my fault that something is ruined. I go back and forth and the emotions are a little raw. I am a big lover of people and connections and such, so it will get better and I will be ok, I just miss hanging out with him and really cared for him. I ran into him at a work function today. I smiled big, said hello and moved on. I could tell he was uncomfortable. Perhaps didn't expect to see me. I got a whiff of his cologne and wanted to die inside, but I kept the contact minimal, not wanting to be a crazy girl and chat him up. I know this sounds ridiculous, but I really wish I had a second chance and I really wish the timing was better and we were both at a point where he was ready and I was more laid back. I think we would have been a good match, I really do. If I had a crystal ball right now, it would be so amazing. The "what's going to happen?" is a real pisser. That stupid little romantic chip in my brain says "just relax, keep yourself busy, laugh, smile, be cordial, but not pushy and he will see how great you are and come back around". Riiiight. Look, you backed off. You did the right thing.....A lot of women (myself included) have gone a lot further than you did and made even more of an idiot out of ourselves:lmao: Two texts really was not "totally crazy" territory. Maybe he thought you were a bit crazy, but really; it is nothing that will not be overlooked months down the track, IF you play your cards right and make no further contact! I did about the same amount of damage you did, to a dude, in 2010. We had insane chemistry, but I was going through a rough time in my life and my personality was lacking (I was anorexic and I did not really have much of a life outside of my illness). Plus, I had lost a lot of hair, which is not a good look for me (I need hair to counter balance my pointy nose!). Anywho, he thought I was a nice girl and with a good body, so we had a fling, 2 days in a row. I acted as little off, roughly the same extent you as you did (I sent about 2 texts after) to which he ignored or said "he was too busy" to hook up with me again. It was obvious he was not into me enough in the first place, to get past my slightly strange behaviour and my bland personality AND missing/ severely thinning hair. He would have put up with it, if, say; he loved my personality, we had the same level of chemistry we had, AND I had my full thick main of hair pre anorexia. I just know he would have put up with two calls the following days that week if he was into me. But he wasn't. .......... A year later, he was back! He was at the gym, and he saw my hair had grown back, and I was more confident and had overcome my past illness. He called me. He enjoyed hanging out with me this time and much preferred to be around me this time, since I had established more of a personality since my eating disorder days. We did not hook up; I had a boyfriend. Speaking of which - I met a guy about 6 months after I scared the fling off. I acted WAY more strange to the new dude, yet he stuck around. We are not together NOW, but not because I acted strange initially. At first, my ex thought I was highly unusual! I did and said some things that even he admitted later on : I would have left if you continued acting that strange, but luckily you changed as you developed yourself more post eating disorder and you became more socialised". He admitted " I put up with it because, firstly; I really wanted sex with you. But even after I landed sex, there was just something about you. I WANTED to walk away when you said some strange things, but I felt too drawn to you" " I would have, without question, left any other girl in the past that I have met, had they acted that strange. But I was into you, even though I kind of did not want to be!" ........................................................................................ If a guy feels something about you that draws him to you, he still wait out any strange behaviour (some guys tolerate more than others!). I Hate turning threads about me, sorry, I have a tendency to do this:o Honestly, though; I truly think my situation is relevant to you. I acted strange to two men and one "felt it" with me enough to " overlook" the initial strangeness, where as the other dude wanted nothing further to do with me (but came back!) I even did way more messed up things to the dude who stuck around! I had not been around people for about 5 years throughout my eating disorder, and I had no idea how to drink (alcohol) and I made a total dickk of myself in front of all of his friends. Even with his friends and family not really liking me (some plain hating me) he stopped talking to two good friends he had known for 7 years, and stuck with me even though the rest of his friends did not like me (which they later overcame once they learned my reasoning behind my behaviour and saw that I was a cool and nice women). IN the end we did not last, however; a guy who does feel very drawn together with you, will put up with a LOT before he just gives up and walks away.
Leigh 87 Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 I also want to add - Drzeusgirl is right in playing things cool, she is a great example as to how to handle men in general. It is clear she has made mistakes and learnt a lot from them. I am pointing out that if a guy is that into you and interested in getting to know you further, they will, in some cases, overlook some strange antics or behaviour. Depending on how strange and what sort of man they are, of course. Furthermore; you can still initiate sometimes and you do not have to ignore their calls or texts for a day? If I am really feeling it with a guy and it is obvious he feels the same way, HELL no will I play that "I am so busy " game. I have a life and I do not need to prove it to him by ignoring calls. I tend to let them initiated, then I initiate and then it is back to them. It should be a fairly even game of back and fourth.
Drseussgrrl Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 This is why you date with your self-esteem intact. Why were you going crazy on a dude you'd only hooked up with a few times? You shouldn't be acting in ways that scare men off. Emotionally healthy people don't put up with this. People pull away from relationships all the time, and much of it has nothing to do with you. Your only course of action at that point is to LET THEM. 1
Leigh 87 Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 This is why you date with your self-esteem intact. Why were you going crazy on a dude you'd only hooked up with a few times? You shouldn't be acting in ways that scare men off. Emotionally healthy people don't put up with this. People pull away from relationships all the time, and much of it has nothing to do with you. Your only course of action at that point is to LET THEM. I hadn't dated in years, as I was too ill. Yet I did meet a guy who overlooked the first month of weird behavior. He was not desperate with women. He admitted that he would not have overlooked my strange behavior if he didn't realllllly want to get to know me more first. He, as well as other males I have spoken with about this exact subject matter, all admitted to putting up with initially strange behavior, if they like the girl enough.
Leigh 87 Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 I let the first dude walk away. Like the OP, I figured I needed to back off after the 2 texts. I'm not implying the OPs dude will be back, either. Just that in my case, they saw me around and for whatever reason, probably for sex, they reached out again. Although they kept in contact and wanted to be my friend without the sex. Probably hoping I would change my mind haha. I never forced the very last relationship eithet. They chose/ wanted to try to look past my abhorrent behavior. They wanted to try. I wasn't blowing up their phone, forcing them to date me. Lol. Anyways. The OP knows how to avoid this situation from happening again, as you and I also know how to disappear when a guy backs off for a few days. I learnt in the same way as you did. I made the same mistakes. I have never met a guy that would back off entirely though, at the OPs behavior, if they were really interested. Not saying the O P should continue to bother men who withdraw. She should wait for them to come back, if they do. It is true though, that the divorce could have been a driving factor, and he may have come back and tried to overlook it if he was interested enough.
Leigh 87 Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 Oh crap, really sorry OP, but the other poster makes an important point: some guys genuinely have reasons for fading out. It happens all the time like that poster said. The reason guys disappear to begin with is not always because they just don't like you enough, lol! My point was about dudes who don't pull away to begin with. I talked about abhorrent behavior towards guys that have not withdrawn. Strang behavior when they are still showing an interest. Some guys overlook initially deviant behavior, but only if it stops. Just had to clear that up.
Author scorpio1978 Posted June 8, 2013 Author Posted June 8, 2013 I am so glad you are feeling better, Leigh, and have gotten over your illness. Stay well. I also agree with you and several others about how a man would not get freaked out about something truly if he had feelings to begin with and was drawn to you to start. I truthfully don't think he felt it with me. There was 2 months of dating to decide and he probably realized it wouldn't go anywhere or he didn't even want it to. I obviously wasn't getting what I needed either to send a text like that. I will forever wish though that I had not put so much emphasis on this being a relationship and focused more on getting to know him because the time we spent together was awesome and it could have materialized with less pressure or it could have fizzled, who knows? I have had experience on 3 occasions where a man has come back. One was supposed to be a fling and no relationship, just friends with benefits. But, he stayed over 2 times a week, I made us dinner, etc. and talked to him a couple times a week. Sometimes, he would go 3 days without talking to me and I didn't freak because it wasn't supposed to be anything. I never asked about other women and what he was doing. Once, about 4 months into this, I asked him where this was going because it seemed to be more than a fling and he dropped off, ignoring me, but came back 4 days later telling me I caught him off guard. I told him he was off the hook and we didn't need to date anymore if what I said bothered him. He told me he didn't want to be off the hook and this hook-up continued for 10 months until he recently had to move. It worked for him and it worked for me and developed quite a bit as time went on. I got a call from the "fling" not too long ago where he told me he will always regret not bringing me with him, as I treated him better than his wife did when they were married 4 years ago. He also said I would make an amazing mother and a great wife to him and he wishes it was different. This was out of the blue. About a month before he moved, he started asking me if I was dating anyone and if I was, would I tell him, that he was having bad dreams and it was upsetting him. I wasn't dating anyone else at that point. But, I could tell things were evolving with us without pressure. Point is? I didn't push (except for that one time) and when it seemed like I did, he didn't bail. He calmed me down and got us back on track and it worked out great. The more recent guy didn't do that. Why? Because he wasn't feeling it in any way with me. There was no being "drawn" to me. Sadly, I do feel that way for him. Two other times, a guy from 10 years ago who wronged me tracked me down long before Facebook and MySpace to say he was sorry for the horrible way he treated me and wished we had stayed together. Another I dated for one month who told me there was no spark came back around after he saw me talking to a hot guy out one night. I ignored his breadcrumbs and then he came at me full force. Neither situation worked out, but it can happen. Men are funny like that I think. They need to be ready for things like this and need to be handled with satin gloves. No pressure. My Type A personality allows for little flexibility, so I am very surprised I was as calm with the 10 month "fling". To me, it's all or nothing. I truly wish I had the chance to do it all over again with the more recent guy and take a different approach. I falsely assumed that because he introduced me to his family and friends that this was headed somewhere big. I personally don't do that unless something is serious. To others, this may not be like a big deal. I cannot assume everyone is like me. Whether he was feeling it or not, maybe he would have at some point. Maybe it would have fizzled. I will never know. I cannot beat myself up any longer. Yes, I am sad. I cared for him and miss the hell out of him. After 2 months, he was just such a joy to be around. So positive, and fun, and handsome and affectionate. Why wasn't that enough? Now I have nothing and it sucks. I would kill for a second chance to do it differently. I also am getting angry at times, so I am going through the stages for sure. I am angered that he flat-out ignored me. I find that disrespectful and it makes me feel bad and angry at the same time. This too will pass. It all will. I just need to process it. But, I really wish I didn't have to. I actually prayed last night that he comes back. Unreal. It didn't help that in my funk last night, I saw a couple get engaged right in front of me on the beach. I wanted to scream "F*** you, universe!!!". Way to torture me and rub in my face that I don't have that or anything close any more. I have decided to take a different route to work so as not to run into him any more. But... his birthday is in 2 months and If I am still feeling this way in 2 months (my god, I hope not!!), would it be weird to wish him a happy birthday? I used to drop treats off on his desk before he got there, like lunch or baked goods, etc. I am pretty sure I know the answer to this, but let's say there is no contact what-so-ever for this whole time and his birthday rolls around. His favorite dessert is cheesecake. I used to make it a lot for him. Would it be too much to leave a mini-cheesecake and a card on his desk? Or just a happy birthday text? OK! I am getting off this thread now. I am starting to overthink again. Thanks, all!
Drseussgrrl Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 No you don't wish happy birthday to a man who is ignoring you. Come on girl you're smarter than that! While I think you could have handled things differently, just take this as an important lesson. Don't date married men! I'm sure he liked you, but once he could see you were going full steam ahead into relationship-land, he bailed. A relationship places all sorts of expectations and responsibilities onto a man and he's still working out the legalities from the last time it didn't work out for him. Like I said, it will be a long time before he's ready for all that. I don't think there's anything you could have done that would have changed the outcome. But from what I'm reading it seems like you are an overgiver. You mention cooking his favorite foods a lot. That's fine every now and then but it seems to me like you were so eager to please him and make him your boyfriend that he got spooked. There was no challenge there. It just seems to me that you got WAY ahead of him. In fact you still are - thinking about baking him a cake in two months and he's ignoring you! Do you see what I'm getting at here?
Author scorpio1978 Posted June 8, 2013 Author Posted June 8, 2013 One more thing...(thanks for humoring me- this writing is helping), I think a big part of this hanging on also has to do with the fact that he is in the military and will be deploying this fall to a pretty dangerous area. I have been there. When you have a lot of time to reflect there, it makes a person feel like they miss certain things like interpersonal relationships. It's amazing how being away from society in your own country can open your feelings. As scared as I am for him, I actually want him to go and think he needs time away to heal from everything he has been through, but I would be lying if I didn't say I fantasize about sending him care packages and being the one he looks forward to seeing when he gets back. I honestly sometimes wish I was a cold-hearted bitch like the ones who put men through the wringer and have them lining up for them, but I can't be like that. Never could. I have always been a very very loving and affectionate person even as a child. I work in healthcare where it is my profession to help and take care of people, so I see people hurting, I want to help, often putting them before myself. This man doesn't need "saving" but I know there is a big part of him still healing from his divorce. I have to leave it alone, but hopefully I can get past the hurt and get to a point with him where we can be civil without me having an ulterior motive. We will see. I don't see it happening any time soon, but you never know.
Author scorpio1978 Posted June 8, 2013 Author Posted June 8, 2013 Scorpio your situation is similar to mine, Except I'm a dude. I had 3 great months with a girl who was trying to get closer and closer to me. Met her parents, did a couple of little day trips together spent the holidays together, all seemed fine. Then not more than a week after the holidays she gets distant, less texting, less enthusiastic to chat with me on the phone and then she becomes less available to hang out and cancels a date with me for the first time since we met. So not knowing any better I go on the chase trying to bring her back to where she was just a few weeks earlier. And I start to look for certainty. She would say the right things but her actions didn't match up as she kept putting space between us. Then a few weeks over she gives me a bunch of BS reasons as to why she doesn't want a realtionship with me. And now I'm here like you. I hate myself b/c maybe I could've turned it around if I would've backed off when she did and not seem needy. Instead I pushed her away. I still don't understand what made her change her stance towards me? Another dude maybe? Afraid of relationships maybe? Who know? But like you im hurting and beating myself up over this, replaying every thing I said and did when she started to pull back. I guess it wasn't meant to be but damn I miss her! Now she jerks me around with the breadcrumbs. It's amazing what people can hold inside and have others fooled all is well. We all do it though. I am sorry you're hurting too. I know how it feels, obviously. I say ignore the breadcrumbs. Make yourself completely unavailable to her games and then periodically respond with no pattern if you choose to. Keep her guessing. At least you are getting breadcrumbs. I got nothing! Not sure which is worse or better though. The replaying has been brutal too because you just never know unless they come right out and tell you what exactly it is. You can only speculate and the human mind is like an abyss. It can go on and on. That absence makes the heart grow fonder thing might work with this one. Please keep me posted on how it's going. I don't mind if you hijack this thread.
Author scorpio1978 Posted June 8, 2013 Author Posted June 8, 2013 No you don't wish happy birthday to a man who is ignoring you. Come on girl you're smarter than that! While I think you could have handled things differently, just take this as an important lesson. Don't date married men! I'm sure he liked you, but once he could see you were going full steam ahead into relationship-land, he bailed. A relationship places all sorts of expectations and responsibilities onto a man and he's still working out the legalities from the last time it didn't work out for him. Like I said, it will be a long time before he's ready for all that. I don't think there's anything you could have done that would have changed the outcome. But from what I'm reading it seems like you are an overgiver. You mention cooking his favorite foods a lot. That's fine every now and then but it seems to me like you were so eager to please him and make him your boyfriend that he got spooked. There was no challenge there. It just seems to me that you got WAY ahead of him. In fact you still are - thinking about baking him a cake in two months and he's ignoring you! Do you see what I'm getting at here? Yes, I definitely do see what you're saying. I am an over giver by nature. Something I need to work on indeed. Because it's part of my profession, it's hard to turn it off, but I am trying. I am actually going to counseling not because of him, but because I am smart enough to recognize a pattern, but not enough to prevent it from happening again. I had my first session last week. I have 11 more on my current insurance plan. I am going to do my best to re-wire. I have my moments where I am a complete jerk, don't get me wrong. I am human. But overall, I am a people pleaser because that's what I do and I am an overly good person. I can honestly say that I have a big heart and am a good person. Not trying to toot my own horn here, but I am by no means ugly. I used to be a model. At 34, this is too old to continue that. I know it's not about looks only and I say this because let's face it, the world is superficial. I have a medical degree, so I am no dummy, and I am kind. I love babies, love to cook, am athletic just having run a half marathon. Too lazy for the full! I have a lot of characteristics that I think are a good foundation, but I don't FEEL like that's enough. I don't FEEL good enough, pretty enough, smart enough and I know the right thing to do is to stop this madness, seek help because I clearly cannot help myself. I cannot rely on the love from another person to instill this in me. I need to do it myself. And I cannot allow a break-up to be the end of my world. I need to try something different and I am working on the tools to do that. I feel like it's going to take a lot of work. It took 34 years to get me this way. So, it's like Mount Everest needs to be climbed almost, but I am going to forge ahead and hopefully come out on top. 1
Drseussgrrl Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 Yes, I definitely do see what you're saying. I am an over giver by nature. Something I need to work on indeed. Because it's part of my profession, it's hard to turn it off, but I am trying. I am actually going to counseling not because of him, but because I am smart enough to recognize a pattern, but not enough to prevent it from happening again. I had my first session last week. I have 11 more on my current insurance plan. I am going to do my best to re-wire. I have my moments where I am a complete jerk, don't get me wrong. I am human. But overall, I am a people pleaser because that's what I do and I am an overly good person. I can honestly say that I have a big heart and am a good person. Not trying to toot my own horn here, but I am by no means ugly. I used to be a model. At 34, this is too old to continue that. I know it's not about looks only and I say this because let's face it, the world is superficial. I have a medical degree, so I am no dummy, and I am kind. I love babies, love to cook, am athletic just having run a half marathon. Too lazy for the full! I have a lot of characteristics that I think are a good foundation, but I don't FEEL like that's enough. I don't FEEL good enough, pretty enough, smart enough and I know the right thing to do is to stop this madness, seek help because I clearly cannot help myself. I cannot rely on the love from another person to instill this in me. I need to do it myself. And I cannot allow a break-up to be the end of my world. I need to try something different and I am working on the tools to do that. I feel like it's going to take a lot of work. It took 34 years to get me this way. So, it's like Mount Everest needs to be climbed almost, but I am going to forge ahead and hopefully come out on top. Honey there is nothing wrong at all with your giving nature. But especially in the beginning of a relationship - you need to change the dynamic to "receptive". Allow a man to pursue you. Let him show you what he's got to offer. You're hot sh*t don't forget it. 1
Author scorpio1978 Posted June 8, 2013 Author Posted June 8, 2013 Honey there is nothing wrong at all with your giving nature. But especially in the beginning of a relationship - you need to change the dynamic to "receptive". Allow a man to pursue you. Let him show you what he's got to offer. You're hot sh*t don't forget it. Thanks. This made my day!! :)
inaya42 Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 you did NOTHING wrong. and this is not a case of someone's not being into you. it doesn't matter who you were; not the yummiest, dreamiest, most aloof woman in the world would have been successful getting and sustaining a relationship with this man. his divorce is being finalized, and he will be deploying soon. he let the relationship end because he is in absolutely no position to have one. do not personalize the end at all. he didn't handle it well, likely because he feels a bit guilty for even starting up with you and because he likely doesn't have the emotional reserves to go through a breakup and a divorce at the same time. this was a simple case of bad timing. again, YOU DID NOTHING WRONG, scorpio. (i'm a scorpio, too, so i get why you are torturing yourself. stop...)
Author scorpio1978 Posted June 8, 2013 Author Posted June 8, 2013 you did NOTHING wrong. and this is not a case of someone's not being into you. it doesn't matter who you were; not the yummiest, dreamiest, most aloof woman in the world would have been successful getting and sustaining a relationship with this man. his divorce is being finalized, and he will be deploying soon. he let the relationship end because he is in absolutely no position to have one. do not personalize the end at all. he didn't handle it well, likely because he feels a bit guilty for even starting up with you and because he likely doesn't have the emotional reserves to go through a breakup and a divorce at the same time. this was a simple case of bad timing. again, YOU DID NOTHING WRONG, scorpio. (i'm a scorpio, too, so i get why you are torturing yourself. stop...) Thank you, Inanya. Yes, you definitely know if you're a Scorpio how I am feeling. I am starting to feel better, but this has been a rough week with it all. It hasn't even been a full week yet. I don't think I did anything wrong now the more I think about it and dissect it. I won't let him blame me anymore. I have stopped doing that as much as I was a few days ago, so that's good. If he is ok with the way he handled it and is the kind of person to act like it was all me, then whatever helps him sleep at night. I don't treat people like that. I doubt it was out of intentional cruelty. He just didn't have it in him to have any kind of conversation with me about it and certainly doesn't now with all he is processing in his life. I have to remain positive and wish him the best, but I cannot say it doesn't bother me to think that me might be dating somebody else. I have had multiple situations where things haven't worked out with a man and the very next girl he meets is the one he settles down with. That sucks. But, it's life! I am not going to torture myself with that possibility. It's just not healthy. Hypothetically, if a girl is happy with a man who gives her scraps of his time and nothing else, then I feel sorry for her. And as much as I feel sad, I know that I have it much better than he does in the long run. To be a young man and have his life uprooted with a divorce he didn't want and feel like a failure certainly has to be worse than this I imagine.
Leigh 87 Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 you did NOTHING wrong. and this is not a case of someone's not being into you. Perhaps. Yet I do not know of a single guy who was really into a girl, that would have freaked out over her two texts. Further - I have never seen a guy who was really interested in a girl, withdraw for days like that. IF they were that into them. he let the relationship end because he is in absolutely no position to have one. Probably true. Who knows though? By the time the divorce occurred, he could still have been completely heartbroken and still in love with his ex (who could have screwed him over), OR: maybe he stopped feeling for his ex well before the divorce? ......................................... The problem is, that no one really knows what went on exactly. People leave their partners for other people all the time, so this may or may not have been attributed to the divorce. He may or may not have been into her. I have just never met a man who was really into a girl, that let the two texts scare him. Especially after two months. A man who withdraws after two months for days and days? Never met a man who was seriously into a girl who did that, either. The guy I knew well lost his mother, who he was extremely close to; his travel buddy he knew a mere 3 months ended up being his PRIMARY support outlet. And he is not the type to ever reach out to friends or girls. ...Unless he is seriously into them. Then he opens up more. Of course, the dude in this thread may not be a guy to open up, even to a girl he is realllllly into. I just have not known of any men who do not somewhat open up to girls they seriously fall for. I suspect that, after two months, he would not have acted this way if he was seriously interested in getting to know the OP. Of course, I could be wrong. And Scorpio- DO NOT let this make you feel bad, all this talk of him not being that into you! Seriously, you do know that thousands of beautiful and great ladies out there, do not just get all the guys they like to be into them? Just do not let it get to you that this ONE guy was not that into you (in my opinion, at least). IT sounds harsh but always remember that there are still a lot of dudes who WILL be into you.
inaya42 Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 he will be doing this to every woman that he is with for a while. he is in emotional recovery after a significant loss. all he will be able to do is to take: have fun, pass time until his deployment, and get attention and affection from interested women. you haven't lost anything that any woman will be gaining anytime soon. i know that you are going to analyze this and look at things from every angle before you can move on. but try to let it go. do your best to drop from his radar completely. focus on yourself. forgive yourself for being so hard on yourself -- it is normal and healthy to have needs! forgive yourself for falling for someone who just wasn't in the place to honor your feelings and hopes. forgive him for being interested but ultimately unavailable at this time in his life. (i'm forgiving a recent ex for the same thing.) feel better.
Leigh 87 Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 Thank you, Inanya. Yes, you definitely know if you're a Scorpio how I am feeling. I am starting to feel better, but this has been a rough week with it all. It hasn't even been a full week yet. I don't think I did anything wrong now the more I think about it and dissect it. I won't let him blame me anymore. I have stopped doing that as much as I was a few days ago, so that's good. If he is ok with the way he handled it and is the kind of person to act like it was all me, then whatever helps him sleep at night. I don't treat people like that. I doubt it was out of intentional cruelty. He just didn't have it in him to have any kind of conversation with me about it and certainly doesn't now with all he is processing in his life. I have to remain positive and wish him the best, but I cannot say it doesn't bother me to think that me might be dating somebody else. I have had multiple situations where things haven't worked out with a man and the very next girl he meets is the one he settles down with. That sucks. But, it's life! I am not going to torture myself with that possibility. It's just not healthy. Hypothetically, if a girl is happy with a man who gives her scraps of his time and nothing else, then I feel sorry for her. And as much as I feel sad, I know that I have it much better than he does in the long run. To be a young man and have his life uprooted with a divorce he didn't want and feel like a failure certainly has to be worse than this I imagine. Yes, Scorpio, feel sorry for women who accept scraps from a dude. I dated a jerk long term and even they gave me all their time. Days without a call or text? Sorry but any women who tolerates that a month or more into the dating process, are probably not with men that are all that into them. IF he was into you and it was merely the divorce that halted things for him, he should have had the balls to tell you so! Sure, no one owes you anything, but come on. After two months, that is enough time to come out and be honest with you're intentions. A simple " look, the divorce is taking its toll on me, and while I am into you, I need to pull back a bit and have time alone" Sorry, but if a guy did not call me for days or even sent a little text once a day, and after 2 months? I would date other people and assume that he was not that into me. There is no need to go over the top and text and call all day every bloody DAY haha. But leaving it days between even a short phone calls seems to me like he is not all that interested. Sorry if others do not agree, I only speak from the experience I have with talking to a lot of dudes in real life. I could be wrong! Maybe a lot of men who are really into a girl withdraw and don't call them for several days. Who knows?
Leigh 87 Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 he will be doing this to every woman that he is with for a while. he is in emotional recovery after a significant loss. all he will be able to do is to take: have fun, pass time until his deployment, and get attention and affection from interested women. you haven't lost anything that any woman will be gaining anytime soon. i know that you are going to analyze this and look at things from every angle before you can move on. but try to let it go. do your best to drop from his radar completely. focus on yourself. forgive yourself for being so hard on yourself -- it is normal and healthy to have needs! forgive yourself for falling for someone who just wasn't in the place to honor your feelings and hopes. forgive him for being interested but ultimately unavailable at this time in his life. (i'm forgiving a recent ex for the same thing.) feel better. This could be true, but we really do not know about his divorce. In some cases, the relationship is over well before the final divorce, and the dude is ready to develop serious feelings for another women in good time. Or, alternatively, he may still be in love with his ex and completely at a loss. We just don't KNOW. It could be anything. The OP needs to accept that anything could have happened; he may or may not have been into her, it may or may not have been purely down tot the divorce. The thing she is focusing on is that it has ended. No need to discover exactly why, we are just explaining a few likely outcomes that could have taken place. None of them are right or wrong, as we just don't know. The OP is doing very well though.
Author scorpio1978 Posted June 9, 2013 Author Posted June 9, 2013 To hell with this s**t anymore! I spent all day in a patchouli scented hippie bookstore, walked out with a relax candle, (whatever that is), 2 books on self help, and a CD of people chanting and you know what? As weird as this may seem, I feel great now! Meditation might work. That's today. Tomorrow may be a bad day since I still miss him and want him back, but whenever I feel that twinge of missing him, I have a voice that says to me "You should not accept someone into your life who feels it is ok to completely ignore someone. That is not a kind person". And I feel better. So, $100 later after being in the book store, I found a quote in one of my books "The human spirit is stronger than anything that can happen to it". Ain't that the truth!? I have wrapped all these new feelings of positivity into my head and am going to do my best to focus on that. Also, one of my dear friends is a psychiatrist and she was crying over breakfast about a very similar situation with a man she is dating. So, we all go through it- the strongest, the weakest, the most educated, and so on. I have to move on. What will be will be. I have decided I am done and am focusing on myself from now on. Thank you everyone. 1
Author scorpio1978 Posted June 11, 2013 Author Posted June 11, 2013 Aw, crap. Here we goooo. My co-worker who hooked this guy and I up in the first place (they are golfing buddies) is having a housewarming party the end of this month, which would equal about 3 weeks, maybe 4 of NC. He invited us both when times were good and refuses to get in the middle of us, expecting us as adults to work it out and be civil. Should I go to this party? I know I have some time to decide, but my co-worker is moving to a new job and I won't see him in a professional manner anymore. He is like a brother to me. I can't ask him to un-invite the dude for me and I am trying to be mature, but it is killing me to think of being in the same room with him, not because I don't think I can't hold it together. I certainly can. But, because I have this fantasy of looking absolutely amazing him and barely making small talk, "proving" that I have moved on when I think we all know it's too soon. Any advice? I actually thrive on the idea of being in the same room as him and looking my best with that tiny female fantasy of him seeing what he is missing out on even though it's not realistic. How do I go about this? I don't think it's fair not to go and I don't want to be a baby and say he can't either.
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