AllieLynn Posted June 5, 2013 Share Posted June 5, 2013 So lost...and could really use some advice. A few years ago, I divorced. I began dating a man who was separated (wife left him for another man), but not divorced yet. Since I wasn't in the dating scene seriously...I just let it go. Who was I to care what his legal standing was? Well, almost immediately I was head over heels. Actually-- we both were. We spent every second together, and before long were living together. The "divorce" was brought up. He had wanted a divorce, and quite frankly couldn't stand his ex, but was afraid of losing everything to his ex. I felt bad for her. She had medical issues, although I still am not sure what exactly what entails, and was afraid that she wouldn't qualify for medical insurance. So.... I suggested he wait until she get an actual job before pursuing the divorce. Time went on. She still doesn't have a job. She still is allowing him (and now myself, as we have been living together and now own a home together) to pay for her car insurance, health insurance, life insurance, and more...for the past 2 years. They have accumulated credit card debt, and own a condo together. He has been paying for the credit card as well as the mortgage-- although he does not live in the martial home. Him and I have a joint home that we purchased. Recently, he requested a divorce. He offered to pay for the entire process (through the court). She seemed entirely amicable. Right after, he proposed. I was SO excited. A few weeks after the proposal, I found out I was pregnant. Of course, we want to rush the divorce along now. Suddenly, his STBX realized her free ride was over (upon receiving the court ordered paperwork that SHE requested).....and hired an attorney. They want ALIMONY. Alimony? 1. She is 30. 2. She is employable....having 3 certifications/degrees. 3. They have no children, and she was far from a homemaker. 4. They've been separated for TWO YEARS. She wants alimony while she "gets back on her feet and gets an education." She has a significant earning capacity, and I found out recently (from her) that she has NOT put in one application since the separation. She feels like she shouldn't HAVE to work... So she's requesting 1k a month, for 5 years. Our attorney says she will probably get most of what she is asking for, because NJ has antiquated alimony laws. I'm crushed. We have a baby on the way, we have purchased our first home together-- and we cannot even afford to eat with the dollar amount she'll be sucking from us. Believe it or not, we net roughly $5k a month. Take away her 1k, and we have 4k. We are paying for the marital home that he does not live in, at another 1k a month. Our joint mortgage is roughly $1600. I have a car payment, at $350 a month. We are paying HER personally acquired credit card debt at $150 a month. I am so incredibly crushed. Maybe I should postpone or wedding? Or....possibly have an abortion? Both options sit poorly with me. We are both incredibly excited, both about our future wedding and our little one. It makes me sick that I'm considering doing something we both find morally disgusting, because I am now completely unconfident in how we will support a child and support her. I KNOW I shouldn't have gotten involved with a man who was only separated. I also KNOW that I should have insisted that the divorce was final years ago.... It just didn't seem like it was worth the hassle. She tends to bulldoze him, and is incredibly aggressive. I figured that once she got what she wanted (or what I thought she wanted) it would be an easy fair settlement. Also, he is a responsible man with a decent paying job. He NEVER cheated on his STBX, even though the marriage wasn't a happy one. There are some other factors, but...they all relate back to this. :\ I am so stressed that I am physically getting sick. Link to post Share on other sites
Immortality Posted June 12, 2013 Share Posted June 12, 2013 Not to state the obvious, but this is one of many reasons to avoid married men. Marriage favours the 'wife' financially irrespective of children or duration of relationship. If you love him as you say, then surely your answer is obvious: you must support him through the ordeal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
iris219 Posted June 12, 2013 Share Posted June 12, 2013 I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you, especially since you're pregnant. I know you said his lawyer thought she would get the alimony she is asking for, but I'm confused as to why. Alimony is reserved for a spouse who was economically dependent on their husband or wife. My bf's ex wanted alimony because she got fired from her job while they were separated and didn't feel like finding a new job. Not having a job allowed her to spend more time smoking pot and hanging out with her boyfriend. She was not awarded alimony, although he was ordered to make her car payment. He had given her a lump sum when they separated ($10,000) and paid for her health insurance throughout the separation. This all worked in his favor. When your bf goes before the judge, what he has already done for her (and is currently doing) should count in his favor. I have a friend who recently got divorced and his wife stayed home for the duration of the marriage. All 11 years he supported her and she was a housewife. She was awarded $500 a month for 5 years. Unless the laws are radically different in your state (and I live in a conservative state), I can't see a judge awarding her $1000 a month, especially considering that SHE left HIM for another man. Can he prove this? Has he tried to sit down and talk to her about the alimony and what it will do to him financially? How long have they been married? Link to post Share on other sites
jphcbpa Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 ridiculous. his wife left him for another man...she should be paying him 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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