Kittypaw Posted June 5, 2013 Share Posted June 5, 2013 Does anyone else's MM say that too? It fascinates me and makes me curious why a happily married man would try so hard to find an OW. Mine makes most of the effort in contacting me. I just kind of go with the flow. Can a MM truly be happily married but obviously need to spend time with an OW? How do those two concepts co-exist? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted June 5, 2013 Share Posted June 5, 2013 It's the sex. he can be happily married without sex. he gets that from you when he needs it. He may or may not also get it from her. In any case, he's happy with his wife, because she meets all or most of his needs, and he's happy with you, because you give extra sex. Ok? 8 Link to post Share on other sites
aussietigerwolf Posted June 5, 2013 Share Posted June 5, 2013 he says he's happily married because he gets to have his cake and eat it too. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted June 5, 2013 Share Posted June 5, 2013 Does anyone else's MM say that too? It fascinates me and makes me curious why a happily married man would try so hard to find an OW. Mine makes most of the effort in contacting me. I just kind of go with the flow. Can a MM truly be happily married but obviously need to spend time with an OW? How do those two concepts co-exist? I would not believe him. Mine claimed that too, initially, simply because he did not know better about what a real loving R should be like. Once he had a proper basis for assessment, he fled his "happy M" as fast as his legs could carry him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Elfie Posted June 5, 2013 Share Posted June 5, 2013 Mine told me "Now I know how it's possible to love two women" - the day before he went off on a £3,000 2 week holiday with his W, when all he ever bought me were cheap coffees and dead flowers. What he meant was "I WANT two women". When I asked how can he love 2 women, he said "Different ways". :rolleyes::rolleyes: To some extent, I believe love is when someone else's happiness is more important than your own, and never mind one woman or two, I just don't think he's capable of loving anything, apart from himself. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Mycatsnuggles Posted June 5, 2013 Share Posted June 5, 2013 He married a good friend. Their compatible. Their families good friends his whole life. Similar goals and backgrounds. He thought the passion would grow. It did not. He has no desire to end the marriage. But there's any emptiness. I relate to this, it's the same as I feel. We're both in happy marriages to an extent. But missing something. We found that component together. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 5, 2013 Share Posted June 5, 2013 Does anyone else's MM say that too? It fascinates me and makes me curious why a happily married man would try so hard to find an OW. Mine makes most of the effort in contacting me. I just kind of go with the flow. Can a MM truly be happily married but obviously need to spend time with an OW? How do those two concepts co-exist? If someone is selfish enough and feels entitled to cheat, they will. They put themselves first above their spouses and children. They have it good enough at home, but are bored with the routine, day in and day out. Instead of trying to make things more exciting with their spouses, it's just easier to go look elsewhere or give into their morals, cross boundries with another person. Their 'out' is always going to be "but you knew I was married..." though! Some can easily separate love and sex, push the guilt away (if there is any guilt. Many don't feel guilty until they are caught) and justify their behaviour. So, what happens if you try to contact your MM and want to spend time with him? Seems from what you've said, he does all the contacting... Do you see him every time he asks to get together? Is your life busy reguardless if he calls or wants to visit you? Are you happy in this affair? What are you expecting out of it, short term - Long term? One day are you hoping he'll fall deeper for you and then divorce his wife? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted June 5, 2013 Share Posted June 5, 2013 Mine told me "Now I know how it's possible to love two women" - the day before he went off on a £3,000 2 week holiday with his W, when all he ever bought me were cheap coffees and dead flowers. What he meant was "I WANT two women". When I asked how can he love 2 women, he said "Different ways". :rolleyes::rolleyes: To some extent, I believe love is when someone else's happiness is more important than your own, and never mind one woman or two, I just don't think he's capable of loving anything, apart from himself. Yes, I think this is the point you're missing, OP: He's 'happy' in his marriage because he loves his wife. He hasn't professed love for you; on the other hand, he may have told you he loves you, but I would put very little value on that statement. Words can keep our hearts tied up in knots for years... some people know exactly what to say, in order to effect the result THEY want.... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted June 5, 2013 Share Posted June 5, 2013 It's the sex. he can be happily married without sex. he gets that from you when he needs it. He may or may not also get it from her. In any case, he's happy with his wife, because she meets all or most of his needs, and he's happy with you, because you give extra sex. Ok? Yep, its this right here....All needs can be met on all levels except sex.. TFY Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted June 5, 2013 Share Posted June 5, 2013 He's telling you in what he considers to be clear terms that he is NOT leaving his wife. His wife did nothing wrong and his marriage is fine; he just wants more. He wants to be married and play single. He knows that the responsibility is on him. To some extent, at least you're getting some honesty that most OW don't. But more likely, your expectations are being managed. Don't get your hopes up or be too much trouble because he's just into you for the sex. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 5, 2013 Share Posted June 5, 2013 He's telling you in what he considers to be clear terms that he is NOT leaving his wife. His wife did nothing wrong and his marriage is fine; he just wants more. He wants to be married and play single. He knows that the responsibility is on him. To some extent, at least you're getting some honesty that most OW don't. But more likely, your expectations are being managed. Don't get your hopes up or be too much trouble because he's just into you for the sex. I'm going to add this: He may care about you, even have some feelings for you as well, but that won't change the fact he wants to stay married. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted June 5, 2013 Share Posted June 5, 2013 No, that would have been a dealbreaker for me. I respect it but happily married men do not cheat, in my eyes, so one spouting as such would have been sent back to his happy marriage. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Anna-Belle Posted June 5, 2013 Share Posted June 5, 2013 It's a form of denial. My MM said that in the beginning too. LOL That tune has changed. I think many of them don't know what happy is until they experience it and then they understand. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 5, 2013 Share Posted June 5, 2013 No, that would have been a dealbreaker for me. I respect it but happily married men do not cheat, in my eyes, so one spouting as such would have been sent back to his happy marriage. A happily married man or woman can cheat if they are broken inside, and are selfish enough to do so. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted June 5, 2013 Share Posted June 5, 2013 Happily married doesn't mean completely fulfilled in every way by my marriage. No one on Earth is completely fulfilled in every way by marriage (or by any single relationship). He's happy with his marriage. He also wants and OW. He doesn't necessarily believe that men need to be sexually faithful in marriage. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted June 5, 2013 Share Posted June 5, 2013 I agree. I think "happily married" is probably a euphemism for "I'm not unhappy enough to risk splitting the marital estate and disrupting the kids." OK... this will probably be a thread jack, but why would an OW be with someone saying that? I have come to realize, after reading here for 3 months, that the whole "my marriage is so awful/I'm going to leave me wife" stuff is usually magical thinking and/or bullsh*t...but it can be convincing and suck you in. Why would you go into something with a married guy who is saying he just wants sex from you? 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Elfie Posted June 5, 2013 Share Posted June 5, 2013 Happy men and women cheat all the time. That is no big secret. It is also a very good move from a seasoned cheater to say "I am happy in my marriage". In this manner the OW cannot have any ideas other than providing the sex. As someone else said above. These folks want to be married and single at the same time. They are cake eaters. In my experience he didn't let me know too much about his M until I was well and truly hooked, then it was like a drip-drip effect, said his marriage was flat but cosy, that he couldn't leave "yet". That he loved 2 women...so he knew what he was doing - reeling me in, keeping me hooked and protecting his position by making sure I knew not to dream about a future with him. Yet claimed his wife called him "thick". Not. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted June 5, 2013 Share Posted June 5, 2013 A happily married man or woman can cheat if they are broken inside, and are selfish enough to do so. Like I said, in my eyes a happily married person does not do this. There is something they aren't happy about regardless of what reason, or lack of reason, it is tied to. It may be a question of not actually understanding what happiness means but I disagree with this premise. We may need to agree to disagree. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted June 5, 2013 Share Posted June 5, 2013 A happily married man or woman can cheat if they are broken inside, and are selfish enough to do so. Jeepers, even my husband was messaging one of the OW when she asked him how his sex life was with me. I would've expected some lame lie like "oh she withholds, OR she's not really into it OR it's boring blah blah." What did he say: "It's pretty darn good, but I can't eat steak everyday." Flattering, but very very screwed up. That was one of the few things that cracked me up about this situation. He was basically telling OW, "yeah, I need a hamburger every now and then too, looks like you signed up to be one.":lmao: 7 Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted June 5, 2013 Share Posted June 5, 2013 It's the sex. he can be happily married without sex. he gets that from you when he needs it. He may or may not also get it from her. In any case, he's happy with his wife, because she meets all or most of his needs, and he's happy with you, because you give extra sex. Ok? I agree with most of what TaraMaiden says except for, "It's the sex." I recently read on the Marriage board that sex either stayed the same or increased for BWs whose husbands were cheating. I think that a marriage can be very happy but a partner gets complacent and perhaps a little bored. Then someone new comes along and it's the rush of falling in love all over again (or infatuation, whatever it may be depending on the relationship). Regardless, it may not supplant the love in the relationship at home. Those are the folks I think who, once the affair is discovered, end things with the AP and truly reconcile with their spouses. Then, I think there are the serial cheaters who genuinely place their own happiness first and despite their words, have actually very little regard for the opposite sex. So, they're very cavalier towards others' feelings. Those folks, I doubt feel much love for anyone but themselves. Finally, I think there are those who are truly unhappy in their marriages. But, marriage isn't just a ceremony and a big party. It's a whole lifestyle and when you've been in it awhile, there doesn't seem like an easy way out. Everything about you is tied up in your marriage. Those folks who are desperately lonely in their marriages, I think actually leave and try a relationship with their affair partner. In those cases, I would be curious to know how many actually work out (the APs stay together) or break under the weight of the collateral damage caused by the guilt and sadness of a divorce. So, no pat answer but yes, I think someone could be happily married and fooling around. It sounds so tragic though. Why do that to your spouse and your AP? You're setting them both up to be painfully hurt. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted June 5, 2013 Share Posted June 5, 2013 It's a form of denial. My MM said that in the beginning too. LOL That tune has changed. I think many of them don't know what happy is until they experience it and then they understand. Perhaps this is true. It could also be true that over time, they realize that the whole "I love my wife" line isn't going to keep their OW around for long. It eventually morphs into "I love both women," which I'm sure is an equally confusing line. But in his mind, he's made it clear that he is not leaving his wife (said it out loud and was "honest" with his OW) and so he's free then to play as long as she's willing, all the while ready to pull out that trump card of "I told you so." 4 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted June 5, 2013 Share Posted June 5, 2013 Perhaps this is true. It could also be true that over time, they realize that the whole "I love my wife" line isn't going to keep their OW around for long. It eventually morphs into "I love both women," which I'm sure is an equally confusing line. But in his mind, he's made it clear that he is not leaving his wife (said it out loud and was "honest" with his OW) and so he's free then to play as long as she's willing, all the while ready to pull out that trump card of "I told you so." Interesting, both posters who stated that the MM initially claimed to be happy simply because they did not know better / were in denial, do not fit what you describe at all. Both these MM went on to realise that their Ms were not all that and a bag of chips, and that they were u happy, once they had seen (via the A) what a happy, loving R should be like - and so they checked out of the M and moved on to invest in the A. There was no "I to.d you so". There was simply, "this no longer works for me". Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted June 5, 2013 Share Posted June 5, 2013 Interesting, both posters who stated that the MM initially claimed to be happy simply because they did not know better / were in denial, do not fit what you describe at all. Both these MM went on to realise that their Ms were not all that and a bag of chips, and that they were u happy, once they had seen (via the A) what a happy, loving R should be like - and so they checked out of the M and moved on to invest in the A. There was no "I to.d you so". There was simply, "this no longer works for me". That's why I said that their theories were possible. I'm sure that those posters individual scenarios color their views, much as I admit that my own scenario must color my view. The OP can choose which possibilities are the most likely in her scenario. Personally, I think it would be wise for the OP to believe the MM when he says that he is happy in his marriage so that she doesn't emotionally over-invest in the affair. If I'm not mistaken, the number of MM that actually leave their wives and go on to have successful relationships with their AP is abysmally low (even though you may have two recent anecdotal examples here). I'm not sure it's wise for the OP to assume that she is the exception to the rule when it appears that assuming you're the exception IS the rule. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Blandina Posted June 5, 2013 Share Posted June 5, 2013 Well, he's not happily married in a sense of fullfillment. When he says he's happy, he probably means that they get along well, they're friends, probably don't argue much...everything goes smoothly. But the fact that his marriage is not a living hell does not mean it's a happy marriage in the full sense of the expression. If it was, he wouldn't cheat. Simple as that. He may care for her, but he surely doesn't love her. He's comfortable. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted June 5, 2013 Share Posted June 5, 2013 That's why I said that their theories were possible. I'm sure that those posters individual scenarios color their views, much as I admit that my own scenario must color my view. The OP can choose which possibilities are the most likely in her scenario. Personally, I think it would be wise for the OP to believe the MM when he says that he is happy in his marriage so that she doesn't emotionally over-invest in the affair. If I'm not mistaken, the number of MM that actually leave their wives and go on to have successful relationships with their AP is abysmally low (even though you may have two recent anecdotal examples here). I'm not sure it's wise for the OP to assume that she is the exception to the rule when it appears that assuming you're the exception IS the rule. Nah, I'm completely non-biased. MM that actually leave are less than 10%. That doesn't mean they end up with AP. Of the ones that actually DO leave and do marry AP, 75% marital failure rate. Grand total from AP to wife 2 (3?4?5?) 1.75% And after that 75% failure rate. Anyone want to buy a lotto ticket? Link to post Share on other sites
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