My MM says he is happily married

[Got it]

Nah, I'm completely non-biased.

 

MM that actually leave are less than 10%. That doesn't mean they end up with AP.

 

Of the ones that actually DO leave and do marry AP, 75% marital failure rate.

 

Grand total from AP to wife 2 (3?4?5?) 1.75%

And after that 75% failure rate.

 

Anyone want to buy a lotto ticket?

 

Can you cite where you got this statistic? Thanks!

[Moanin]

I think a lot of MMs (and MW) say they are "happily married" so that the AP doesn't become disillusioned with the thought that he/she will be leaving the marriage.

 

I do not believe that a happily married person will risk losing everything by having an affair.

[bellasue]

my xMM married the woman he dated in middle school. They have been married a very long time and have sort of grown apart. Don't do anything together except watch TV in the evenings and go out to eat on weekends. They even take separate vacations. We had a lot of similar interests and spent a ton of time together.

 

BUT I did question him on several occasions about why he was in the affair knowing it could ruin what appeared to be a very loving marriage to the outside. He said when they had their kids (now grown) she gave up on him as a husband. Little affection, attention, sex.

 

But, because I can't wrap my mind around dropping someone you say you love in an instant, I believe now it was mostly he just wanted sex.

[Pierre]

Well, he's not happily married in a sense of fullfillment. When he says he's happy, he probably means that they get along well, they're friends, probably don't argue much...everything goes smoothly.

 

But the fact that his marriage is not a living hell does not mean it's a happy marriage in the full sense of the expression. If it was, he wouldn't cheat. Simple as that. He may care for her, but he surely doesn't love her. He's comfortable.

 

:laugh::laugh:

 

Do you realize that some folks are simply cheaters? The state of the marriage is moot for a cheater.

 

I realize the OW wants to believe she is rescuing a man in an unhappy marriage. This is part of the rationalization process.

 

The OW does not really know the marriage. But, the line "I am in a happy marriage" while romancing the OW sends a clear message. This is a tough one for the OW that is not good at rationalizing why she is the concubine of a married man.

[Pierre]

Can you cite where you got this statistic? Thanks!

 

Promoting EMRs is never a good thing because most fail. We may never know the true failure rate, but by simple observation it is low.

 

IMHO, promoting EMRs because of personal anecdotes is not sound.

[Moanin]

Ya gotta balk at how so many AP insist, despite being told bluntly otherwise, that their MAP must not be truly happy. The level of willful delusion is amazing. No wonder why Pierre said so long ago love shack is like a science/social experiment where you can get an up close look at how neurosis works....

 

Well if that's what being truly happily married looks like, I'm not sure why anyone would strive to achieve it??

 

The wilful delusion goes both ways: The APs want to believe that their MM/MW isn't happily married, just as much as the BSs want to believe that their WS really doesn't/didn't love their APs. It's self-preservation.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

:laugh::laugh:

 

Do you realize that some folks are simply cheaters? The state of the marriage is moot for a cheater.

 

I realize the OW wants to believe she is rescuing a man in an unhappy marriage. This is part of the rationalization process.

 

The OW does not really know the marriage. But, the line "I am in a happy marriage" while romancing the OW sends a clear message. This is a tough one for the OW that is not good at rationalizing why she is the concubine of a married man.

 

I agree with this in many instances. For a lot of MM it's about the hunt, the dance, the chase. Have you ever known a hunter or fisherman to say, my freezer is full, I think I'll skip hunting this weekend. NEVER, they're out there in zero degrees, rain, sleet, snow, trying to figure out how to out do their last hunt, even though the freezer at home is full.

 

Women on the other hand, NEED to be needed. It's what makes us great parents, great daughters to our aging parents, caring friends and neighbors. So it's a compliment to be needed and make someone happy. And this special person that we care about deserves to be happy! Until its not US that's making them happy anymore, maybe it's, booze, their guy friends, or another woman.

 

Now, it's not about their happiness and a woman's ability to provide it. NOW, they're ape$hit crazy for hurting us or mistreating us, when before it was fine for them to be dishonest because they weren't having their needs met by someone else I the way OW could provide!

 

I think for some MM, it's a lot like somewomen feel about bags or shoes, you can never have enough, or too many! It's a hobby!

 

Women just tend to over think everything to death and men aren't really that complicated. If it feels good do it!

[Praying4Peace]

Mine told me "Now I know how it's possible to love two women" - the day before he went off on a £3,000 2 week holiday with his W, when all he ever bought me were cheap coffees and dead flowers.

 

What he meant was "I WANT two women". When I asked how can he love 2 women, he said "Different ways". :rolleyes::rolleyes:

 

To some extent, I believe love is when someone else's happiness is more important than your own, and never mind one woman or two, I just don't think he's capable of loving anything, apart from himself.

 

Heck, you can "love" a whole harem full of women when in reality you just love yourself!

[underwater2010]

Does anyone else's MM say that too? It fascinates me and makes me curious why a happily married man would try so hard to find an OW. Mine makes most of the effort in contacting me. I just kind of go with the flow.

 

Can a MM truly be happily married but obviously need to spend time with an OW? How do those two concepts co-exist?

Let me guess....when the affair started he told you it was just sex and that he would not get emotionally involved. Am I correct? Because that is what men say when they DO NOT want to leave their marriage.

[dreamingoftigers]

Can you cite where you got this statistic? Thanks!

 

I've been banging around those stats for so long.

 

Just a second.

 

Here's a "25% successful marriages from MM/MW marrying AP" link.

 

Wait for others.

 

Quote from

marriagebuilders wesite

Edited June 6, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[MissBee]

Does anyone else's MM say that too? It fascinates me and makes me curious why a happily married man would try so hard to find an OW. Mine makes most of the effort in contacting me. I just kind of go with the flow.

 

Can a MM truly be happily married but obviously need to spend time with an OW? How do those two concepts co-exist?

 

Why someone wants an OW can be for many reasons. Some see it as supplemental and in addition to their marriage and aren't doing it to replace their wives or because they dislike them or aren't happy. It's still a shiitty thing to do, but every MM's mindset is different.

 

In my former A, I just assumed my exAP was unhappy. I asked him frankly one day if he loved her and how was his relationship and he said he loved her and he loved me too and their relationship was fine.

[MissBee]

Happily married doesn't mean completely fulfilled in every way by my marriage.

 

No one on Earth is completely fulfilled in every way by marriage (or by any single relationship). He's happy with his marriage. He also wants and OW. He doesn't necessarily believe that men need to be sexually faithful in marriage.

 

Ditto.

 

In the culture I'm from having an OW is never about being happy or unhappy. Men have OW because they feel entitled to and don't feel being sexually faithful is "natural" for men. They separate their love for their wife with having OW and even if they have feelings for the OW, it's always "in addition to" and never over and against. They believe that the woman they chose to marry is because they love her and want her as their wife and they also think she shouldn't mind OW because it's not primary.

 

People talk so much about black and white on these boards, yet sometimes it seems like black and white thinking is never acknowledged when it has to do with how OW view the affair...which can also be very idealized and black and white as well. It seems...interesting...that a man has no clue what happiness is until he is in an affair . Right. I'm sure this is possible...but it seems most people know what happiness is and are very much capable of amassing as much of it as possible in terms of cake eating, or compartmentalizing, which allows incompatible things to exist together, i.e. marriage, family and stability and cheating/affairs, excitement, OW.

 

My dad is a serial cheater for example, and one would think by now he'd have MANY opportunities to realize what "happiness" is....welll he made some speech to us about the happiest he's been has been with us (after his second to last cheating scandal). He has serious issues...and happiness in his romantic relationships have nothing to do with it, I can tell you that. Anyway, I don't think an OW/OM should try to analyze whether or not the MP is "really" happy, esp if they say they are. If they aren't, then let them figure that out, but don't hang your hopes on the off chance that they are "confused" and will wake up to "true happiness" with you.

Edited June 5, 2013 by MissBee

[HonestNeurotic]

I think that if one is not happy with themselves then they can only hope for some short term relief in having happiness given to them from a relationship.

 

Being married or even having a boyfriend has never made me more or less happy. Content is about the best I can muster to describe it. Life happens on its own terms. i.e., I can be unhappy but still "happy" with my marriage.

 

I think it's more about being unhappy with ourselves than it is with the marriage itself. I know that I was unhappy in my first marriage, but it had to do with me and nothing at all to do with the marriage itself, but at least I took the responsibility for it. It would have been easier if my ex h was a bad dude, but it was all me.

 

IMHO ~ as always

[HappyAtLast]

I've been banging around those stats for so long.

 

Just a second.

 

Here's a "25% successful marriages from MM/MW marrying AP" link.

 

Wait for others.

 

What Are Plan A and Plan B?

 

Interesting, I had no idea my wife and I were such an anomaly.

[spice4life]

Sorry wrong thread

[latergater]

Does anyone else's MM say that too? It fascinates me and makes me curious why a happily married man would try so hard to find an OW. Mine makes most of the effort in contacting me. I just kind of go with the flow.

 

Can a MM truly be happily married but obviously need to spend time with an OW? How do those two concepts co-exist?

 

Sure. Why not? Plenty of men/women are happily married and living a happy life with their partner. They probably get along, there is not a lot of fighting nor drama within their marriage, and many would consider their partner their best friend. However, that doesn't mean they are having exciting sex every night - a partner hanging from the chandelier, wearing sexy lingerie every night, etc.. It means their partner is a good fit for them and they have NO plans to leave the relationship. Why would they when they can have that and their cake on the side? They live happily ever after, depicting the perfect image of the happily married couple/family, the white picket fence, the little dog in the backyard, etc.. And they get their cake on the side, their freebies so to speak, without anyone knowing. This "partner" on the side provides them with love, sex, attention, etc.. - things they may be bored with as far as their spouse is concerned and/or not getting from their spouse since the years have set in within the marriage and not everything remains as exciting as tantalizing as it once was. Sounds like the best of both worlds to me!

Edited June 5, 2013 by latergater

[BetrayedH]

In regards to stats - From an article on survivinginfidelity.com

 

"A lesser-known fact is that those who divorce very rarely marry the person with whom they are having the affair. A survey of 4,100 people showed that only 3% who divorced their spouse later married their affair partners. Even further, the divorce rate among those who married their affair partners was over 75 percent; reasons for that high divorce rate include intervention of reality, guilt, expectations, and a general foundation of distrust in the marriage - not necessarily the incidence of another affair."

 

So, you have a 3% chance of marrying your AP and a 25% chance of making it thereafter. I'm not sure I would recommend for anyone to keep investing in an affair if you're hoping for a loving marriage as a result.

[jlola]

My 2 cents......Long ago, before I starting reading various infidelity sites, I too thought that a person wouldn't cheat if they were happy in the marriage. After reading numerous posts from people wearing different hats, I no longer buy into that. It does take all kinds..........see below. A few generalizations that I'm sure many will disagree with, but here are my thoughts anyway.

 

1. There are people who place no value at all on fidelity and they are spoiled, selfish, narcissistic enough to think they are entitled to whatever they want. These people cheat just because they want........more and different.

 

2. There are people who have unrealistic expectations of marriage for the long term, they expect their needs to be completely met by their partner. When life gets in the way, kids, jobs, old resentments build up and a general sense of unhappiness and boredom. It's not bad enough to actually take action to leave the marriage, but yet they are susceptible to an affair and if they meet someone who they have an attraction to them bam........there they go. The attraction may be mostly about an ego feed, but they come to have feelings for the other person. However this kind rarely leaves a marriage, unless they are kicked out. They will cake eat as long as the two women allow them to. This person has poor boundaries and is not a cruel evil person at heart, but the things they will do in the affair bring them down to the level of the above. They become a shell of who they were before the affair and f up not only their own lives but those of all those intimately involved if they are enabled.

 

3. Then there is the 3rd kind, a person who is broken due to unresolved issues usually from their childhood. Their unhappiness comes from inside themselves and they don't have the skills or the know how to be a a healthy relationship with anyone, so they keep searching for someone to fix them, make them happy.

 

Spot on!!!!!

Agree with all of this and Miss B. Lots of men in different cultures feel "entitled". And how about the "all men do it" "men will be men" excuse. Isn't that why Pat Robertson got in trouble for the other day.

 

I have heard men in my culture who are not yet married talk about having a mistress one day.

 

And to blame a spouse for your unhappiness is to be a coward. Many unhappy people around. Life is hard and nothing is perfect.

Edited June 5, 2013 by jlola

[who_am_i]

OK... this will probably be a thread jack, but why would an OW be with someone saying that? I have come to realize, after reading here for 3 months, that the whole "my marriage is so awful/I'm going to leave me wife" stuff is usually magical thinking and/or bullsh*t...but it can be convincing and suck you in. Why would you go into something with a married guy who is saying he just wants sex from you?

 

 

I have an answer to this...if you're thinking of starting a new thread.

[canuckprincess]

Does anyone else's MM say that too? It fascinates me and makes me curious why a happily married man would try so hard to find an OW. Mine makes most of the effort in contacting me. I just kind of go with the flow.

 

Can a MM truly be happily married but obviously need to spend time with an OW? How do those two concepts co-exist?

 

Oh yes our mm are all happily married that's why they break their vows and have a double life. Now I think ONS are different from long term affairs. I'm sure some are content in their marriages but there's no way they are "happily married".

[whichwayisup]

Like I said, in my eyes a happily married person does not do this. There is something they aren't happy about regardless of what reason, or lack of reason, it is tied to.

 

It may be a question of not actually understanding what happiness means but I disagree with this premise.

 

We may need to agree to disagree.

 

Yup, agree to disagree!

[ComingInHot]

My H was Happily M. He met young thoughtshewashottieinherownmind. Physical attraction. A few months of strange. H Realized he Was in fact HAPPILY M. Dumped OW. ExOW got mad. Outed A to me After it ended.

He got off (no pun intended*) on an exit he'd never been. Realized he needed to get back on the Right road that lead him home to his Happiest destination, his family*

 

Maybe Sometimes, MM's Happy M is questioned when they act on their temptation/physical attraction then realize on their own they are truly happy in the M or a DDay brings this to light or they realize however happy they were in the M, they can be happIER w/AP.*

[Moanin]

But an important difference: BS isn't usually aware their WS is capable of dishonesty and betrayal, APs however DO know. Moreover: BS have reason to believe they are loved, after all, love was declared before all friends, family, law, church, etc and children/joint investments made, etc. the AP has a mere word of a known liar....

 

My original comment about willful disillusion going both ways, was specifically meant for the BSs who have become aware of the affair and choose to believe that their WS doesn't or didn't love their AP. Obviously, a BS who doesn't know about the affair couldn't possibly be "willfully disillusioned".

 

"BS have reason to believe they are loved, after all, love was declared before all friends, family, law, church, etc and children/joint investments made, etc" - I KNOW this comment SHOULD mean something, but after reading so many posts about marriages on this forum and others, they are just hollow words. Obviously many people are not taking their vows seriously. I'm sure they meant them when they said them in the Church and before God, but after 10, 20, 30 years, feelings change and so do people.

[Moanin]

My H was Happily M. He met young thoughtshewashottieinherownmind. Physical attraction. *

 

Love it!!

[Pierre]

Oh yes our mm are all happily married that's why they break their vows and have a double life. Now I think ONS are different from long term affairs. I'm sure some are content in their marriages but there's no way they are "happily married".

 

Actually, you are correct. Most cheaters are unhappy. However, the lack of happiness is intrinsic. No spouse can make an intrinsically unhappy person 24/7. Double whammy, they are unhappy and dishonest.