Discovering your AP has passed away

[realmcoy]

I've been visiting this site for quite some time and finally decided to register. I've been the OW for 4 years. Initially, we were both married when it started, but I had gotten a divorce a year and half into the affair. Let me stress, I did not go through the divorce because of him. It was a long time coming. His job requires him to live in different parts of the US. His family has not accompanied him on these moves which makes it easier to carry on with the affair.

 

I do not remember what possessed me to ask, "What would you do if you were to wake up and realize I had passed away in the bed?" I stated if I found myself in that situation, I would get rid of any evidence that I had been there and call the cops requesting that they go check up on a friend I hadn't heard from in days. He, on the other hand, stated he would get rid of any evidence that he had been there, but would not call the cops. In my mind, he was pretty much saying I would leave you there to rot. Do you think this is an indicator of how he really feels about me? I can understand his perspective somewhat. Meaning he is worried that if he reports it, people will start asking questions.

[TaraMaiden]

This is a bizarre question.

First of all if it were to really happen, your reactions might well be very different.

Secondly, if you had died - there's no point in caring about 'how you'd feel'...because you'd be dead. Once you're dead, your feelings on what he may or may not do, won't matter a jot. There's nothing you'd be able to do about it, anyway.

 

He has more to hide than you have, he has more commitments and attachments. of course he will be more cautious.

 

You're having an affair with a married man.

Enjoy it while it lasts.

It had a beginning, currently has a middle and will without any single shadow of a doubt, have an end.

 

The time to think about what you're doing, is now.

Not of some uncontrollable, imaginary point.

[Summer Breeze]

I've been visiting this site for quite some time and finally decided to register. I've been the OW for 4 years. Initially, we were both married when it started, but I had gotten a divorce a year and half into the affair. Let me stress, I did not go through the divorce because of him. It was a long time coming. His job requires him to live in different parts of the US. His family has not accompanied him on these moves which makes it easier to carry on with the affair.

 

I do not remember what possessed me to ask, "What would you do if you were to wake up and realize I had passed away in the bed?" I stated if I found myself in that situation, I would get rid of any evidence that I had been there and call the cops requesting that they go check up on a friend I hadn't heard from in days. He, on the other hand, stated he would get rid of any evidence that he had been there, but would not call the cops. In my mind, he was pretty much saying I would leave you there to rot. Do you think this is an indicator of how he really feels about me? I can understand his perspective somewhat. Meaning he is worried that if he reports it, people will start asking questions.

 

Is he so callous he couldn't even do it as you stated -- anonymously? I agree with TM to an extent that if you were dead you were dead but you must have family it would matter to. If he had feelings for you he would have strong feelings that the people you love and who love you have a right to know quickly rather than wait til you've had the chance to decompose a little. Geesh what a guy. Honestly that would have pi$$ed me right off and probably gotten him a 1 way ticket out of my life.

[findingnemo]

That's one of those hypothetical questions which when answered immediately are hurtful. Human beings rarely think about these things because the thought alone is stress inducing.

 

I wouldn't judge anyone by the answer to that question. Who knows what they would do? Getting rid of all the evidence is wishful thinking. What if the hotel room is booked in the survivor's name? How about witnesses?

 

There is no right answer here.

[whichwayisup]

I've been visiting this site for quite some time and finally decided to register. I've been the OW for 4 years. Initially, we were both married when it started, but I had gotten a divorce a year and half into the affair. Let me stress, I did not go through the divorce because of him. It was a long time coming. His job requires him to live in different parts of the US. His family has not accompanied him on these moves which makes it easier to carry on with the affair.

 

I do not remember what possessed me to ask, "What would you do if you were to wake up and realize I had passed away in the bed?" I stated if I found myself in that situation, I would get rid of any evidence that I had been there and call the cops requesting that they go check up on a friend I hadn't heard from in days. He, on the other hand, stated he would get rid of any evidence that he had been there, but would not call the cops. In my mind, he was pretty much saying I would leave you there to rot. Do you think this is an indicator of how he really feels about me? I can understand his perspective somewhat. Meaning he is worried that if he reports it, people will start asking questions.

 

The cops will get involved reguardless! You can't 'get rid of all evidence'!! An autopsy would reveal much more than you realize.

 

You both obviously are worried about getting caught at having the affair and having to face the fallout and him facing his spouse.

 

The truth usually comes out.

Edited June 5, 2013 by whichwayisup

[TaraMaiden]

I do not remember what possessed me to ask, "What would you do if you were to wake up and realize I had passed away in the bed?"

What possessed you was the underlying thought of "How much do you actually value me? How far would you go for me? What am I truly worth to you, if the chips are down? What have I come to mean to you?"

 

I stated if I found myself in that situation, I would get rid of any evidence that I had been there and call the cops requesting that they go check up on a friend I hadn't heard from in days.

You value integrity, discretion and reputation, but you feel deeply enough for him to ensure something is done, and quickly, to make sure everything goes as it should...

Of course, as pointed out, it depends where this 'bed' actually is... Your home?

His?

A hotel??

 

He, on the other hand, stated he would get rid of any evidence that he had been there, but would not call the cops. In my mind, he was pretty much saying I would leave you there to rot.

He values this liaison far less than you do. he also values his own reputation far more, and would do whatever it takes to disassociate himself from you or who you are, to him....

 

Do you think this is an indicator of how he really feels about me? I can understand his perspective somewhat. Meaning he is worried that if he reports it, people will start asking questions.

 

Again, as somebody stated, even if he didn't report this 'to the cops' and investigation would take place in any case.

Foul play?

DNA swabs? Evidence of sexual intercourse?

They'll start asking more than questions.... they'll start pointing fingers...

 

This whole scenario is blowing out of proportion, here... I'm thinking Gil Grissom, Mac Taylor and Horatio Caine....

 

Why not ask him what you're really wanting to know?

 

id est,

 

"How much do you actually value me? How far would you go for me? What am I truly worth to you, if the chips are down? What have I come to mean to you?"

Edited June 5, 2013 by TaraMaiden

[whichwayisup]

He, on the other hand, stated he would get rid of any evidence that he had been there, but would not call the cops. In my mind, he was pretty much saying I would leave you there to rot.

 

As shi.tty as this is and disrespectful too, at least he was honest. With that said, hearing that must have hurt. Question is, now that you know, has it made you stop and think "WTF am I doing this with this MM???"" Hope that it has made you realize that the guy doesn't appreciate you the way he should (he can't because he's married and won't because he doesn't want to) and makes you realize you deserve SO MUCH MORE AND BETTER! Thought about possibly ending your A? To you it seems like so much more - To him, it's just an affair.

[WakingUp]

When you are dead, its over.

 

However, it has me thinking about something I often wondered... if MM and his BW were driving, and he saw my car broken down, or in an accident, or me in serious trouble somehow... would he have stopped? I know he would if he was alone or with someone else... but with his W?

 

Would he have made sure I was OK or would he have kept going and hoped someone else helped me?

 

Its actually an important thing to consider.

 

Not nice, but important.

[WakingUp]

Anyway ugh... I don't want to think about this anymore.

Edited June 5, 2013 by WakingUp

[whichwayisup]

Morbid thoughts happen. Just don't focus on them. The chances of you getting into car accident and the MM and his wife happens to drive by, is a really low percentage.

[dreamingoftigers]

Morbid thoughts happen. Just don't focus on them. The chances of you getting into car accident and the MM and his wife happens to drive by, is a really low percentage.

 

But there's always someone that this happens too..... LOL

 

Getting wrongfully arrested has a very very low probability too.

 

But it happened to my husband and that was what lead to me finding out about his secret life.

 

He was impressively good at hiding it. I wouldn't have known for probably another decade. But you can't plan for everything.

[georgia girl]

That's one of those hypothetical questions which when answered immediately are hurtful. Human beings rarely think about these things because the thought alone is stress inducing.

 

I wouldn't judge anyone by the answer to that question. Who knows what they would do? Getting rid of all the evidence is wishful thinking. What if the hotel room is booked in the survivor's name? How about witnesses?

 

There is no right answer here.

 

 

So agree! That's like asking your spouse if he/she would marry again if you died. Really, while those discussions are fun to have if you can really take it in stride, you really shouldn't take the answer to heart. Who knows really what any of us would do. If it does bother you, I wouldn't ask those kind of questions again.

[SoleMate]

Is he so callous he couldn't even do it as you stated -- anonymously? .......you must have family it would matter to. If he had feelings for you he would have strong feelings that the people you love and who love you have a right to know quickly rather than wait til you've had the chance to decompose a little.

 

Right. Or some consideration for the neighbors, landlord, or eventual person who will have to carry the decomposed body away. Or the fact that the police may waste time investigating a suspicious death.

 

There was a somewhat analogous case in the US: Chandra Ann Levy (April 14, 1977 – c. May 1, 2001) was an American intern at the Federal Bureau of Prisons in Washington, D.C., who disappeared in May 2001. She was presumed murdered after her skeletal remains were found in Rock Creek Park in May 2002. The investigation led to discovery of her affair with married, and then-U.S. Representative, Gary Condit, a five-term Democrat representing California's 18th congressional district and a senior member of the House Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence. Condit denied even knowing Chandra for over 2 months after her death, interfering with the investigation and wasting police resources. He was cleared of suspicion of murder, but found guilty in the court of public opinion as being a total sleazeball. His lies doubtless increased the agony of Chandra's parents.

[Summer Breeze]

Right. Or some consideration for the neighbors, landlord, or eventual person who will have to carry the decomposed body away. Or the fact that the police may waste time investigating a suspicious death.

 

There was a somewhat analogous case in the US: Chandra Ann Levy (April 14, 1977 – c. May 1, 2001) was an American intern at the Federal Bureau of Prisons in Washington, D.C., who disappeared in May 2001. She was presumed murdered after her skeletal remains were found in Rock Creek Park in May 2002. The investigation led to discovery of her affair with married, and then-U.S. Representative, Gary Condit, a five-term Democrat representing California's 18th congressional district and a senior member of the House Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence. Condit denied even knowing Chandra for over 2 months after her death, interfering with the investigation and wasting police resources. He was cleared of suspicion of murder, but found guilty in the court of public opinion as being a total sleazeball. His lies doubtless increased the agony of Chandra's parents.

 

Excellent comparison SM. I actually forgot about Chandra Levy. That was such a horrible thing the poor kid. I remember the family when it was all happening. Ugh.

[findingnemo]

Right. Or some consideration for the neighbors, landlord, or eventual person who will have to carry the decomposed body away. Or the fact that the police may waste time investigating a suspicious death.

 

There was a somewhat analogous case in the US: Chandra Ann Levy (April 14, 1977 – c. May 1, 2001) was an American intern at the Federal Bureau of Prisons in Washington, D.C., who disappeared in May 2001. She was presumed murdered after her skeletal remains were found in Rock Creek Park in May 2002. The investigation led to discovery of her affair with married, and then-U.S. Representative, Gary Condit, a five-term Democrat representing California's 18th congressional district and a senior member of the House Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence. Condit denied even knowing Chandra for over 2 months after her death, interfering with the investigation and wasting police resources. He was cleared of suspicion of murder, but found guilty in the court of public opinion as being a total sleazeball. His lies doubtless increased the agony of Chandra's parents.

 

Yeah, I remember Chandra Levy. She'd gone jogging in the park. It creeped me out and I never went back there...at least not alone. I'm a bit lost though. How does this case relate to the OP? (Not being snarky. I genuinely want to know.)

[HonestNeurotic]

I've been visiting this site for quite some time and finally decided to register. I've been the OW for 4 years. Initially, we were both married when it started, but I had gotten a divorce a year and half into the affair. Let me stress, I did not go through the divorce because of him. It was a long time coming. His job requires him to live in different parts of the US. His family has not accompanied him on these moves which makes it easier to carry on with the affair.

 

I do not remember what possessed me to ask, "What would you do if you were to wake up and realize I had passed away in the bed?" I stated if I found myself in that situation, I would get rid of any evidence that I had been there and call the cops requesting that they go check up on a friend I hadn't heard from in days. He, on the other hand, stated he would get rid of any evidence that he had been there, but would not call the cops. In my mind, he was pretty much saying I would leave you there to rot. Do you think this is an indicator of how he really feels about me? I can understand his perspective somewhat. Meaning he is worried that if he reports it, people will start asking questions.

 

Worst truth/best lie scenario. Truth wins out everytime. Cuz with DNA and other forensic science that is available today, they cops WOULD find out. Then you'd be caught in a lie, which would be worse, even if it was innocent. Innocent meaning that you said that you weren't there because you didn't want his spouse to know. Then - they'd never believe you, because you had already lied. Maybe you'd be accused of murder or manslaughter cuz you didn't do the right thing and call paramedics or ask for assistance.

 

I'd rather be "humiliated" than sit in a jail cell any day. I don't do jail.

[MissBee]

I've been visiting this site for quite some time and finally decided to register. I've been the OW for 4 years. Initially, we were both married when it started, but I had gotten a divorce a year and half into the affair. Let me stress, I did not go through the divorce because of him. It was a long time coming. His job requires him to live in different parts of the US. His family has not accompanied him on these moves which makes it easier to carry on with the affair.

 

I do not remember what possessed me to ask, "What would you do if you were to wake up and realize I had passed away in the bed?" I stated if I found myself in that situation, I would get rid of any evidence that I had been there and call the cops requesting that they go check up on a friend I hadn't heard from in days. He, on the other hand, stated he would get rid of any evidence that he had been there, but would not call the cops. In my mind, he was pretty much saying I would leave you there to rot. Do you think this is an indicator of how he really feels about me? I can understand his perspective somewhat. Meaning he is worried that if he reports it, people will start asking questions.

 

In my former A, this question was one that made me realize that having an A was in no way a healthy or normal relationship which could make me feel secure. I often thought about what if he died, who would alert me? And he said his bestfriend would. Even so, if I went to the funeral, how would I feel? His known and public gf would be comforted and I would be some random woman distraught. Grieving is bad enough, grieving your secret boyfriend is another thing. My own friends knew yes, but the element of me not being known in his life to that extent, and certainly not as his gf, made my stomach turn when I thought about the case of him dying.

 

Death is so disorienting as is, a death in which you're also worried about making sure no one knows you were together etc. is just too much for me personally. That was one big thing which made me say nope...this isn't a way to live for me.

[SoleMate]

How does [Chandra's] case relate to the OP?

It is a case of an affair where one AP died and the other AP reacted by denying the A and connection with the AP, rather than making the otherwise-expected acknowledgment of a r/s and necessary contacts with officialdom, and there were grievous and loathsome consequences, directly springing from the lying and secrecy mandated by a typical A.

[Washingmachine1980]

What a terrible thing for the MM to say to you. Seriously, you should drop this guy. What a horrible person he is.