How should I handle this mess?

[Kindasoso]

Oh man, where to start.. From the beginning I suppose.

My current girlfriend, of 6 months, love each other very much. I know this is true, that might be the only thing I am certain of. We've been through a lot together in the past 6 months, from family members in and out of the hospital for serious procedures, to moving from a roommate lifestyle into her sisters basement in January, and the tragic loss of her bestfriend/ roommate (sisters boyfriend) and work partner, to suicide in early march. There's more, but it's too much to mention.

On to the relationship problems, trust issues on my behalf. Though I love her with my everything and I've put up with a lot, it eats away at me inside. The constant wanting to check texts and Internet history and "check in" to make sure I won't find what I don't want to see. But I've seen it all too many times before. It started about a month into our relationship, the questioning and doubt.

When I met my girlfriend her and her ex (of 7yrs) had been split for about a year, but still living in the same house due mostly to their roommate house and no place for her ex to move to. Also they were, I suppose, "working it out"

The first time I met the ex was on bad terms, she had just moved out, or was in the process of it, and came to the house drunk, called me names and got physical with my girlfriend. (Which wasn't a first) About a month after that I saw fb messages between them, my gf telling her ex, "ex's first name -last name baby, I will love you forever" and discussing other things about their relationship. This was the start.. I kept it in as I'm not one to bust out the I caught you. But later on the same day I found the message we sat down and talked and she told me she still had feeling for her ex. Which I could tell, but didn't want to admit to myself. She stayed faithful to me though and told me she wouldn't get back with the ex if I was in the picture or not, they just weren't meant to be.

Here comes the part that's messed with me the most, about a month or so later my gf wanted to have a closure dinner with her ex, which kind of set me off because she decided she wanted to do this dinner on a day where we had been having an argument. But I let her do what she needed and told her I'd met up with her after. I met her at the restaurant, she was already a few drinks in, and she told me they hadn't had a very successful meeting. We went back to her house and around 2am the ex came knocking. She let her in and I stayed in the bedroom.. They were "talking" downstairs for about an hour or so when I finally said I don't feel comfortable I'm living. Then my gf came out to my car, drunkenly told me she didn't know what she was doing, she wanted us both to leave, but she wanted to hold her one last time (clearly not over her ex) I was told to leave so I did. She said the ex would be taking a cab.. We'll she didn't. She stayed the night with my girlfriend in their old room. This has since been an issue for our relationship.

After she apologized to me the next day and promised me it was all done with and over, nothing happened between them, I continued the relationship. A week later I found a text between them where my girlfriend told her "goodnight love"

Finally I had had it! I confronted her on valentines day (not sure why that day, I just kinda blurted it all out) we got in a huge fight , she tried denying, but the proof was clear.

Anyway... Man, she still wants to be friends with this chick.. They still text randomly.. I see them say things like "love ya", "miss you :(" and she (the ex) says ridiculous, devious things, like "hope you found what you were looking for" or once when we broke up for 8 hours and my gf called her and told her about it..... .... She text her a few days after and said "I see your break up didn't work out so well"

 

I'm sick of it! I love my girlfriend.. But this is ruining us. It goes even deeper, but this is just what bothers me. I've asked her nicely, respectfully and understandingly ... "I know you want to be friends, and she was a good friend through high school, but there's a lot that bothers me ..A LOT. It's just not normal and I'm not comfortable enough with everything for you guys to be friends and talking at the moment. Maybe we should focus on us and you should stop talking to her."

She acts like she understand and agrees, but pushes the fact that they will be friend again on day. Then she'll stop texting her ex for a while then before you know it they're talking again.

Ive also noticed through out different times clearly conversations between them where messages have been deleted out. Not sure if this is innocent and she just doesn't want me to know they're talking or what the hell...

 

Bottom line, my girlfriend is a beautiful person all around, she just has some issues, who doesn't. I love her, I see a future with her. And I haven't walked away yet and I really don't want to. There's just so much to work through.

What should I do?

[Keke1]

Leave and be done with it or stay and continue to have a gf who is in love with someone else also. The choice is yours.

 

The trust and respect is gone already IMO you're going to prolong the inevitable by staying.

Edited June 5, 2013 by Keke1

[Kindasoso]

Ahh.. It's so hard to even think about leaving her. Ive put more of my true, honest love, heart and soul into this 6 month relationship then I have put into some of my past 2-4 year long ones. What I feel in my heart for her is real, real like I've never had before. And her spirit makes me think about my life and about living it for the better, she's taught me a lot... About love and life, how to open my heart, how to be less of a selfish person I used to be. She truly is a wonderful person. I don't want to give up, I don't want to loose her or the love she does give for me.

 

I just wish this other crap was out of the picture and we could move forward and grow in our relationship together. It's hard

[Keke1]

Ahh.. It's so hard to even think about leaving her. Ive put more of my true, honest love, heart and soul into this 6 month relationship then I have put into some of my past 2-4 year long ones. What I feel in my heart for her is real, real like I've never had before. And her spirit makes me think about my life and about living it for the better, she's taught me a lot... About love and life, how to open my heart, how to be less of a selfish person I used to be. She truly is a wonderful person. I don't want to give up, I don't want to loose her or the love she does give for me.

 

I just wish this other crap was out of the picture and we could move forward and grow in our relationship together. It's hard

 

Oh I know it is. It just seems from what you've wrote she just isn't really ready to love you 100% doesnt mean she doesnt at all though. Has she put in her true, honest love, heart and soul in as well? Thats what you have to think about. The relationship can't be lopsided or it will fall over.

How far does she want to take the relationship with you?

[Kindasoso]

I know that a lot of things have stood in our way. And for about the first 3 months of the relationship her heart was not fully in it for me. I knew this and I could tell. Between that, trust issues, resentment and stress we argued a lot for a while. Our comunitcation and sex life went down hill fast. ( which our sex life is a BIG deal to her, as she had problems with it with this same ex in the past. She says it's the reason they went bad, because the ex cut off their sex life completely. And now brings it up to me a lot and tells me it's like a replay and that scares her)

But we've talked about a future, some pretty serious things.. Houses, kids, working to build a life together. I would say our relationship is very serious and long term, but we have problems to get though.

I do believe she has put her whole heart into our relationship now, but though the problems I wonder if it's too late.

I know she frustrated about our sex life.. But I wish she would approach it differently and stop relating our relationship to her and her ex's .. Especially because it's the girl that causes me so much trouble in my mind, I don't want to be compared to anyone and certainly not her.

:/

[Chi townD]

Sorry, but this isn't a very hopeful story. You seem more dedicated to the relationship than she is. She tells you all the things you need to hear in order for you to stay; even if that means lying to you about it.

 

She's cake eating. She has the best of both worlds, she gets to keep her Ex on a leash and get the emotional ego boost from her when she needs it and has the safety and security of your relationship. How is that fair to you?

 

You are 100% dedicated to a girl that isn't 100% dedicated to you. If the mere thought of losing you because of the Ex was a possibility, if she was 100% on board with you, the Ex would be kicked to the curb in a New York minute. But, that isn't the case now is it?

 

You state that you see a future with her. But, I can't see it if there's three people in a relationship.

 

She never got over her feelings for her Ex. You're the rebound and if you don't get out, you're going to get hurt worse later. Oh, and by the way, her staying over and your girlfriend stating that NOTHING happened? Yeah, right.....If you believe that, then I have oceanside house to sell you right in the center of the Mojave Desert. So, don't kid yourself, they got busy that night.

 

Time to heal and move on.

[Ursa]

She is a walking bundle of red flags. I think you not only need to walk away, but you need some time alone and possibly some counseling to help you figure out why you would have gotten involved with her in the first place, much less fallen so hard in love despite all the numerous, flashing neon warning signs. I'm not trying to be mean by saying that, but the fact is that a truly emotionally healthy person would have seen this for the cluster**** it is and walked out the door right from the beginning, but you stayed, you made excuses to yourself, you let yourself get sucked into these deep, dark waters even though you saw all the signs telling you to turn back? Really, ask yourself: why? Were you blinded by lust? Were you hoping you could be the one to change her? Do you have codependency issues? I strongly believe that you do, as you state that THIS relationship is the most intense you've had, so hard to walk away from. That's not because it's love, though, it's because it's a wellspring of intense drama and codependence.

 

Perhaps this girl is an amazing person, on some level. Many people with huge problems and ****ed up lives are pretty awesome in some way, as people are complicated and multi-faceted. However, she is also obviously deceitful, manipulative, emotionally confused and unfaithful, clearly not above juggling and using multiple people for her own support and validation, and just totally incapable of any kind of healthy, mature relationship right now--and so are you as long as you are drowning in her wake.

 

Perhaps you won't want to hear this, but this honestly reminds me of a phase a lot of teenage/early 20s girls go through with bad relationships and high drama before they learn to love themselves more and evaluate their romantic partners more objectively. That is a process.