Just received this e-mail from my MM

[Blandina]

Sorry about the english, I had to translate it (thanks google )

 

Hey baby, good morning!

*

I put a lot of thought on what I was going to write, because I know well that misplaced words can bring misunderstandings and I don't want that...

I know that the difficult contact in the last 2 weeks may have seemed to you like I had no interest in you, but that's not true at all ... you know that when I travel contact gets harder, but now I returned things are back on track.

*

First I will respond to the statement that you can only talk when I want, when I'm available and not when you want to ... this is not true, because you know you can call my cell phone anytime and that nothing prevents you to call here home to talk ... of course it would be less informal since I don't have much privacy here. However, the situation never stopped you from calling me when you really wanted or needed to.

*

Regarding claims that I leave you in the dark, that I don't talk dates or concrete plans ... Well I remember what happened when I told you everything, when I promised deadlines, when I shared my plans with you. By failing to do the right thing in the promised timeframe you know what happened. You turned everything I said against me, everything!

*

A lot has changed in October, as many truths were said and a lot has happened. But I say once again that things had to happen the way I chose, in my own timeframe, and not the way you wanted ... I understand that this is hard for you to cope with, but couldn't be any other way. One indisputable fact is that I left my job and my intention was really to stay with you, if it didn't work out in october as I had promised, another time will surely come, but wanting dates and timeframes at this point is not reasonable. I am getting back on my feet and if it means little to you, to me it means independence, to again have money in my pocket is very important, after all it was my money that brought me close to you and not the grace of others ...

 

Wanting everything to be resolved in a month is an immediacy that will result in nothing, and will certainly bury our intentions. I know it is hard to understand, but it's true.

*

I know my feelings for you, know what I feel and what I think and I know how hard it is for you all this, but you always knew it would never be easy, always knew that we live in different worlds... when you came on this trip you knew all the risks and now you can not dump everything on me as you've been doing.

*

I tell you one thing ... I normally would have walked away from you, because I am the type of man who does not like this kind of relationship, punctuated by arguments and accusations. Like I said a long time ago I am a simple person and like simple relationships. The thing is I love you so much that I think that one day when we're together when the arguments we'll cease, but I know well that when we get together there will always be reasons, actions and words that will bring us misunderstandings ... I do not understand this thing of wanting to dissect everything I say and find out if something is hiding behind. I really do not understand this thing of wanting to analyze everything in me and everything I say as if I were your patient.

 

I do not wanna lose you, but since October you attack me constantly and while you only get love and understanding, all I get is demands and aggression, and it is really hard to live with it and look at myself in the mirror the same way.

 

 

You may not get this letter, but if you do try to understand and let's not make of it one more reason to fight, one more reason for disagreements.

 

Kiss

[georgia girl]

That is the most highly manipulative letter I have every read! I am so angry for you!!! So, basically, he says that he must do everything his own way, on his own timeframe, with no input to you and he isn't even responsible for communicating to you? And if you ask, then you are argumentative and hurtful? And finally, despite all of this, he is gracious enough to still love you, but there's a veiled threat that even though he still loves you so much, this is wearing thin on him.

 

I rarely have such a visceral response, but dump him as fast as you can and find someone who will treat you with kindness, dignity and honesty. I feel incredibly sorry for his wife, but at least you have an easy way out!

[lilmisscantbewrong]

That is the most highly manipulative letter I have every read! I am so angry for you!!! So, basically, he says that he must do everything his own way, on his own timeframe, with no input to you and he isn't even responsible for communicating to you? And if you ask, then you are argumentative and hurtful? And finally, despite all of this, he is gracious enough to still love you, but there's a veiled threat that even though he still loves you so much, this is wearing thin on him.

 

I rarely have such a visceral response, but dump him as fast as you can and find someone who will treat you with kindness, dignity and honesty. I feel incredibly sorry for his wife, but at least you have an easy way out!

 

yep - total manipulation - I got what I thought were love letters as well - and when I looked at them months after, the manipulation was very, very clear - get rid of this guy.

[Summer Breeze]

I agree with the others B. What do you think of his email? What's your story?

[jlola]

Translation.........mm said........I will call the shots in this relationship, it's all on my terms and don't you dare voice any opposition about it because if you keep on complaining, I will dump you or preferably keep on manipulating you to keep you nice and quite.

 

 

What you need to do.......is dump him, like yesterday.

 

I've been with that type of manipulator. They cleverly blame you for misunderstanding. They always throw in the word "Love" and future fake just to dangle the carrot enough to keep you engaged. Classic Assclown!

[Blandina]

Thanks for your input!

 

In what way do you find this manipulative?

 

I may disagree with things that he said, specially considering our story (which you don't know about); I think he's right in other things, specially concerning the brutal way i sometimes mistreat him (yes, I do and just because I am the OW I don't pretend to be the victim when I'm not, I know my faults).

 

But manipulative...I wouldn't say so. I think it was an honest, coherent e-mail. And no, I'm not in denial and I'm not defending him. I just don't see this as manipulative in any way.

[veryhappy]

He's manipulating you in staying around without a lot of fuss and without any real promises while you seem to want a legitimate relationship. If and when things will fall apart, you will feel manipulated.

 

Misunderstanding...must be in the cheater's manual. ExMM complained a lot about misunderstandings. And my ire.

 

He's right with one thing. He can do whatever and you have no right to impose deadlines on him. But...you also have the right to not be okay with it and make it clear by saying bye-bye. I assume the deadlines were a discussion in October. It's June in my universe. What has he done? I may misunderstand, but I'll speculate that nothing. If he's not in a hurry to be with you, you're better off leaving him alone and if he ever divorces he can come after you. Ironically, most women do not want to even try at that point.

 

 

The reason for mistreating him is that you are angry and tired of being the the A, with no plans in sight. You'll never be happy by continuing the A. You're prolonging a painful ending.

Edited June 5, 2013 by cutedragon

[findingnemo]

Sorry about the english, I had to translate it (thanks google )

 

Hey baby, good morning!

*

I <Snip>

 

I don't see much manipulation here. I see truth.

 

First of all, he says you can call him anytime if there is an emergency. He doesn't state that but that's what he is driving at. That if you call him at home, he won't be able to be his usual loving self because his W will be listening. But call him any time? You can do that.

 

On the timing issue, MM is right. He is married and whatever decision is made must be made by him. If he is to leave his M and job, he must make that decision for himself. We always tell OWs that their MMs shouldn't leave for them but for themselves. This man is saying the exact same thing. He clearly states that he wants to be financially independent and while that may not be important to you (your priority being that he leaves), it is to him. So far, he is making sense to me.

 

The one thing that sounds threatening is when he talks about liking simple relationships. Either he is immature (all relationships are complicated to a certain degree) or he is really fed up with the bickering. How much bickering has there been? We don't really know but from what he says it's been months of quarrels and second-guessing his motives and words.

 

How is that manipulative? He is telling his truth. He even thinks the letter will be a reason to quarrel and warns against this. If he was manipulative, he would have simply said he is fed up with the quarrels and wants no more of you. He would put you in the position where you are begging him to stay with You. Is this what this letter is doing? I don't think so.

 

I may have missed something but this seems like a healthy, open and truthful letter about how he feels about things.

Edited June 5, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[waytogo]

One thing that strikes me is he states his independence and money in his pocket is something he needs to achieve before leaving.

 

Is he living off his wife till he gets back on his feet so he can leave her?!?!

Nice guy if so.

 

Why not live off you, the one he really loves, and live the partnership life with you (each supports the other as can when needed) instead of using his wife?

 

Have you told him he can live with and off you since you two plan eternity together. If he leaves what he claims is getting his feet back on the ground in the future, are you prepared to support him then. Are you now?

[Pierre]

Thanks for your input!

 

In what way do you find this manipulative?

 

I may disagree with things that he said, specially considering our story (which you don't know about); I think he's right in other things, specially concerning the brutal way i sometimes mistreat him (yes, I do and just because I am the OW I don't pretend to be the victim when I'm not, I know my faults).

 

But manipulative...I wouldn't say so. I think it was an honest, coherent e-mail. And no, I'm not in denial and I'm not defending him. I just don't see this as manipulative in any way.

 

Maybe this guy is not anal and manipulative. Perhaps he is reacting to a lot of pressure applied to him.

[waytogo]

Maybe this guy is not anal and manipulative. Perhaps he is reacting to a lot of pressure applied to him.

 

If Blandina is his chosen partner in life now and he continuously doesn't keep promises to her, she has a right to question and state her dissatisfaction with that.

 

When a person doesn't live up to promises repeatedly, he or she should expect some pressure or to be totally ignored and deemed unreliable.

[Pierre]

If Blandina is his chosen partner in life now and he continuously doesn't keep promises to her, she has a right to question and state her dissatisfaction with that.

 

When a person doesn't live up to promises repeatedly, he or she should expect some pressure or to be totally ignored and deemed unreliable.

 

Even in an EMR?

 

Promises within an EMR have to be taken in context. Perhaps the OP is very naive.

[HonestNeurotic]

I think he is giving you the terms and conditions of continuing the relationship. Whether or not the terms are acceptable to you is what you need to figure out. It sounds like it's more than just the fact of his being married that makes for the current discord that this letter seems to express.

 

Be stingy with your promises, and expect the same from others.

 

IMHO ~ as always

[Owl]

If Blandina is his chosen partner in life now and he continuously doesn't keep promises to her, she has a right to question and state her dissatisfaction with that.

 

When a person doesn't live up to promises repeatedly, he or she should expect some pressure or to be totally ignored and deemed unreliable.

 

Actually, I agree with you.

 

She's got every right to be dissatisfied with that.

 

The downside is...people are also right for telling her that he's not likely to change his behaviors.

 

What he is doing IS manipulative. She SHOULDN'T like it. She can either accept it, or not. Her choice.

 

The breakdown is that while you can pressure someone to change...the odds are high that they're not going to.

 

Which is basically what folks here are telling her.

[waytogo]

Even in an EMR?

 

Promises within an EMR have to be taken in context. Perhaps the OP is very naive.

 

Actually, promises given and received should hold weight to all parties. Who you receive promises from and count on them, means you should consider the promisor's track record.

 

Poster may or not be naive. MM may be naive thinking he can tell anyone anything to make his life permanently smooth with everyone accepting.

 

If you read my previous question on this thread, yet unanswered, I asked is this mm using his wife financially to get his feet back on the ground. Can this poster support him, and is she willing to do so. Those nagging responsibilities come with getting anything we want.

 

IMHO, this OP needs to be clear what responsibility she is willing to take for this great love. This MM needs to decide who his actual partner is while depending on a woman while his feet aren't yet on the ground.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I'm in the not manipulative camp! He flat out told her how it's going to be and where she stands. There was the obligatory half-hearted attempt to soften the blow with -I must really love you to put up with your crap- statement.

 

I think he told her where she stands and that he's not putting up with her whining or demands. He'll do what he wants when he's good and darned ready and if she doesn't like it then she should leave/consider it over.

 

I don't consider it manipulative, I do think she has way more invested in this than he does. He seems to admit that he has no problem stringing her along.

 

How many times have we heard, "let's not waste our precious time together fighting or worrying about the future or even yesterday! Let's just be happy in the moment!" Chapter 6, first paragraph in MM's handbook!

 

He told her where she stands, it's up to her to accept it or decide those words are some secret code for, "I love you so much, yu are my everything, I can't breathe without you, you complete me! You have my word that we will be together post haste and I will pledge my undying love, and fidelity for you in front of our dearest friends and loved ones!"

[waytogo]

Actually, I agree with you.

 

She's got every right to be dissatisfied with that.

 

The downside is...people are also right for telling her that he's not likely to change his behaviors.

 

What he is doing IS manipulative. She SHOULDN'T like it. She can either accept it, or not. Her choice.

 

The breakdown is that while you can pressure someone to change...the odds are high that they're not going to.

 

Which is basically what folks here are telling her.

 

I agree with you also :-)

It's one reason I asked if she was ready to take on his need to get back on his feet. It's why I asked why the woman he no longer considers a partner should do it and why the current partner isn't given the choice to.

 

If he never keeps his promises to this poster, she hopefully will see that and not make his problems hers.

[findingnemo]

I totally agree with you, IWWH.

 

The man is being clear about how he isn't happy with the way things are going. I don't know how else he could have put it. He stresses the fact that he loves her. He even begins with an apology knowing that Blandina won't like what he is going to say. He asks her to look beyond the anger to the message itself. He is not happy notwithstanding the fact that he takes partial blame for not fulfilling his promises and therefore causing her pain.

 

I like this MM actually. He could have told her a whole different story and manipulated her into waiting for a new deadline. Instead he told her the truth, even if it isn't what she wants to hear.

 

The ball is in your court now, Blandina. Your move...

[Quiet Storm]

If he was manipulative, he would have simply said he is fed up with the quarrels and wants no more of you. He would put you in the position where you are begging him to stay with You. Is this what this letter is doing? I don't think so.

 

 

 

See, I think that saying he is fed up with quarrells and wants no more of you would've been the straight up, non manipulative way of expressing his feelings.

 

I think the letter is manipulative because instead of coming right out and saying how he feels, he does it under the guise of being nice & caring. It's called killing 'em with kindness.

 

I think a straight up, non manipulative letter from him would've been like this:

 

Hey baby, good morning!

*

I am too busy to make time for you when I'm traveling.

 

You can call my cell phone anytime but I'd prefer if you didn't when I'm home because I will have to fake that it's about business. You always call me when you really wanted or needed to, so what's your gripe, anyway? You want me to talk to you at home like I talk to you elsewhere, but I won't because my wife may suspect something is up. I'm married, remember?

 

Regarding claims that I leave you in the dark, that I don't talk dates or concrete plans ... I won't make anymore promises to you because I can't keep them and don't want to be called out on it.

 

You can't handle that I make the decisions, but get used to it. It is what it is. I'm not giving you dates & timeframes. Deal with it.

 

My independence and money are more important to me than our love. My money is important to you, too. Remember? I want you to think that waiting patiently will benefit you. Stop questioning me.

 

I'm not rushing. You pushing me is turning me off to you. Don't have any expectations of me. If you don't have expectations, then you won't be disappointed. I don't want you to be disappointed because then you are in a bad mood. It is what it is. Accept it and still be your fun & happy self for me.

 

I know my feelings for you, know what I feel and what I think- BUT DON'T EXPECT MY FEELINGS TO RESULT IN ACTION. I told you this would be hard. YOU KNEW. YOU TOOK A RISK WITH ME. DEAL WITH IT.

 

Don't bother me with your expectations and disappointments.

 

I normally would dump women like you because I hate to be called on my bullcrap. However, not many women are willing to be the OW, so I will tolerate it. Hopefully I can train you to not start arguments or question me. YOU ARE SO LUCKY that you still get to have me after all these arguments. Be grateful & appreciate me.

 

I love you, but my actions are not matching my words, which is creating "misunderstandings". My actions are confusing for you. I get that, but don't want to hear about it. Please do not point out how my actions are not matching my words. I do not like that.

 

I want you, but since October you attack me constantly and while you only get love and understanding, all I get is demands and aggression. Please love me back the way you used to. Do not demand or expect anything of me, I am not accountable to you.

 

Kiss

 

I see it as manipulation because the running theme throughout the letter is "Do not hold me accountable. Do not have expectations. Do not expect my words to match my actions. Do not question me. Be happy with things as they are."

 

I don't think you want me to go line by line and disect every manipulation, but I will just say that I see the following manipulation tactics in his letter:

 

projection, evasion, diversion, minimizing, intimidation, shaming, playing the victim

Edited June 5, 2013 by Quiet Storm

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Hey baby, good morning!

*

I am too busy to make time for you when I'm traveling.

 

You can call my cell phone anytime but I'd prefer if you didn't when I'm home because I will have to fake that it's about business. You always call me when you really wanted or needed to, so what's your gripe, anyway? You want me to talk to you at home like I talk to you elsewhere, but I won't because my wife may suspect something is up. I'm married, remember?

 

Regarding claims that I leave you in the dark, that I don't talk dates or concrete plans ... I won't make anymore promises to you because I can't keep them and don't want to be called out on it.

 

You can't handle that I make the decisions, but get used to it. It is what it is. I'm not giving you dates & timeframes. Deal with it.

 

My independence and money are more important to me than our love. My money is important to you, too. Remember? I want you to think that waiting patiently will benefit you. Stop questioning me.

 

I'm not rushing. You pushing me is turning me off to you. Don't have any expectations of me. If you don't have expectations, then you won't be disappointed. I don't want you to be disappointed because then you are in a bad mood. It is what it is. Accept it and still be your fun & happy self for me.

 

I know my feelings for you, know what I feel and what I think- BUT DON'T EXPECT MY FEELINGS TO RESULT IN ACTION. I told you this would be hard. YOU KNEW. YOU TOOK A RISK WITH ME. DEAL WITH IT.

 

Don't bother me with your expectations and disappointments.

 

I normally would dump women like you because I hate to be called on my bullcrap. However, not many women are willing to be the OW, so I will tolerate it. Hopefully I can train you to not start arguments or question me. YOU ARE SO LUCKY that you still get to have me after all these arguments. Be grateful & appreciate me.

 

I love you, but my actions are not matching my words, which is creating "misunderstandings". My actions are confusing for you. I get that, but don't want to hear about it. Please do not point out how my actions are not matching my words. I do not like that.

 

I want you, but since October you attack me constantly and while you only get love and understanding, all I get is demands and aggression. Please love me back the way you used to. Do not demand or expect anything of me, I am not accountable to you.

 

Kiss

 

Funny stuff! That's exactly how I read the letter as he wrote it, though. We are discussing a cheatingMM, aren't they the kings of avoiding conflict! He did try to say it nicely, but it reads just the same.

 

OP, what's your reply? What's your next move?

 

He says quitcherbi+chin, deal with it or leave! You say.......?

[findingnemo]

Wow! If MM had written any of the above versions of the letter, then he would have clearly been selfish and evil. A veritable a$$****. But he didn't. He wrote the letter that Blandina posted. We can't really ascribe meaning to them without more background information. Not all MMs think alike.

 

Even so, his own words are clear. There's trouble in paradise and he wants it to stop.

[tinker683]

Hmm...being a guy myself I feel compelled to break this letter down and say how it seems to me, given all the ladies making their comments in this thread

 

Hey baby, good morning!

*

I put a lot of thought on what I was going to write, because I know well that misplaced words can bring misunderstandings and I don't want that...

I know that the difficult contact in the last 2 weeks may have seemed to you like I had no interest in you, but that's not true at all ... you know that when I travel contact gets harder, but now I returned things are back on track.

 

Gawd this starts off like a conversation between my ex and I. Her and I were constantly tripping over each other. But it seems to be honest and upfront here.

 

First I will respond to the statement that you can only talk when I want, when I'm available and not when you want to ... this is not true, because you know you can call my cell phone anytime and that nothing prevents you to call here home to talk ... of course it would be less informal since I don't have much privacy here. However, the situation never stopped you from calling me when you really wanted or needed to.

 

This very well may be true but it possess the question as to whether or not he'll actually pick up the phone when you do call.

 

Regarding claims that I leave you in the dark, that I don't talk dates or concrete plans ... Well I remember what happened when I told you everything, when I promised deadlines, when I shared my plans with you. By failing to do the right thing in the promised timeframe you know what happened. You turned everything I said against me, everything!

 

Without knowing your history, this statement could be true however it strikes me as not being very productive. Yes, trying to set hard dates might have not worked in the past but that doesn't mean it isn't something that needs to be done.

 

A lot has changed in October, as many truths were said and a lot has happened. But I say once again that things had to happen the way I chose, in my own timeframe, and not the way you wanted ... I understand that this is hard for you to cope with, but couldn't be any other way. One indisputable fact is that I left my job and my intention was really to stay with you, if it didn't work out in october as I had promised, another time will surely come, but wanting dates and timeframes at this point is not reasonable. I am getting back on my feet and if it means little to you, to me it means independence, to again have money in my pocket is very important, after all it was my money that brought me close to you and not the grace of others ...

 

Once again it is possible that this is all true...but I can not help but feel like he's managing down your expectations here. It's quite possible there were other options he had at the time, he just chose the easier or more convenient paths.

 

I think unfortunately this paragraph perfectly illustrates the inherently unbalanced nature of these relationships...and why I don't want anything to do with them anymore

 

Wanting everything to be resolved in a month is an immediacy that will result in nothing, and will certainly bury our intentions. I know it is hard to understand, but it's true.

 

I don't care much for this statement. It comes off as condescending and downplaying your expectations.

 

I know my feelings for you, know what I feel and what I think and I know how hard it is for you all this, but you always knew it would never be easy, always knew that we live in different worlds... when you came on this trip you knew all the risks and now you can not dump everything on me as you've been doing.

 

This strikes me as manipulative and honestly my ex used to give this same sort of bovine scatology.

 

Yes it's true you know what you were signing on too and that you'd have to make exceptions for a time but that gives him no right to dismiss your feelings when you ask him to finally make due on all the promises he's been feeding you. It's neither unfair or unreasonable that, after enough time has elapsed, that you begin to demand that he start walking the walk and not just talking the talk. This kind of BS is one sided thinking.

 

I tell you one thing ... I normally would have walked away from you, because I am the type of man who does not like this kind of relationship, punctuated by arguments and accusations. Like I said a long time ago I am a simple person and like simple relationships. The thing is I love you so much that I think that one day when we're together when the arguments we'll cease, but I know well that when we get together there will always be reasons, actions and words that will bring us misunderstandings ... I do not understand this thing of wanting to dissect everything I say and find out if something is hiding behind. I really do not understand this thing of wanting to analyze everything in me and everything I say as if I were your patient.

 

What a load of crap. Buddy, if you wanted a simple relationship than ya shouldn't have gotten into an affair!!!!! They're are some of the most complicated of relationships!!

 

His other statements seem to reveal that there is mistrust in the relationship and I'm not sure that he's cognizant of how his own actions are contributing to this. If he's not Walking the Walk then of course there is going to be mistrust and he doesn't seem to get that.

 

I do not wanna lose you, but since October you attack me constantly and while you only get love and understanding, all I get is demands and aggression, and it is really hard to live with it and look at myself in the mirror the same way.

 

 

You may not get this letter, but if you do try to understand and let's not make of it one more reason to fight, one more reason for disagreements.

 

Good grief. This sounds like a combination of gaslighting and manipulation. "I'm the good guy here! I'm just sitting here being loving and caring and you just don't seem to appreciate that enough! Can't you see how much you unappreciation for my efforts is making feel bad? Feel bad for ME! Feel sorry for ME!"

 

Aside from the fact that all this claptrap is counterproductive, it's downplaying your own feelings on the matter and a whole bunch of expectation-managing.

 

This guy sounds like he may very well be intending on making an exit but he won't do so until things are entirely on his terms, irregardless of how fair or right that is to you.

 

It very well may be that he can't perform the way you need him too but if that's so then it's unfair of him to continue to promise you the moon when the ability to actually do that is suspect. My thoughts are: If he's in this, then he needs to get IN this 100%, all the way, and stop doing this pseudo relationship that works for him and his comfort zone.

 

It's ultimately your choice OP to continue to deal with this, but if it were me...I'd end this if he doesn't start to make some serious freaking effort right. now.[/i]

Edited June 5, 2013 by tinker683

[MissBee]

Thanks for your input!

 

In what way do you find this manipulative?

 

I may disagree with things that he said, specially considering our story (which you don't know about); I think he's right in other things, specially concerning the brutal way i sometimes mistreat him (yes, I do and just because I am the OW I don't pretend to be the victim when I'm not, I know my faults).

 

But manipulative...I wouldn't say so. I think it was an honest, coherent e-mail. And no, I'm not in denial and I'm not defending him. I just don't see this as manipulative in any way.

 

So why did you post it? I'm curious as to what you were expecting.

 

I think it's manipulative too and it seems weird that so many would see it that way.

 

Anyway, I'm sure you think you aren't in denial and aren't defending him. I will give you some time to see if you still feel this is a wonderful email. It's hard for us to hear critique about those we love, especially if it reflects poorly on our own judgment. Most of us have been there and there is almost nothing you can do to have clarity until you have clarity...

[Praying4Peace]

Blandina,

 

Manipulative doesn't mean he's lying. Here's the definition I think of, and what most of the posters are probably thinking of:

 

Characterized by unscrupulous control of a situation or person

 

That's a good description of the email. It has nothing to do with truth or even love. It's not that he doesn't care about you, its just that some MM's use the word 'love' to keep control of the situation or person (in a manipulative way).

 

I don't know your backstory, I didn't get a chance to read it if you've posted it so I'm just going on the email.

[jlola]

Blandina,

 

Manipulative doesn't mean he's lying. Here's the definition I think of, and what most of the posters are probably thinking of:

 

Characterized by unscrupulous control of a situation or person

 

its just that some MM's use the word 'love' to keep control of the situation or person (in a manipulative way).

 

I don't know your backstory, I didn't get a chance to read it if you've posted it so I'm just going on the email.

 

Single men do it too. I looked at this letter and shook my head. It triggered some really bad memories for me. I had 2 x's who could have written that letter. Incredible. It took me years away from them to see the real truth.

 

I was being manipulated. I was told the exact same thing by both(is there a book out there?) If they did not love me, they would not tolerate my behavior.

 

But in all other relationships I was calm and level headed. I did not realize the relationships with those men had lots of uncertainty,anxiety,words that did not match actions,control,dusted with words like "soulmate",never loved anyone like this before,etc. . My behavior was a result of the toxicity those men brought into my life.

 

But back then, I related my anxiety and my uncharacteristic reactions to mean love.

 

i did not understand a man who loves you will jump through hoops to show his love. He will forfeit his ego, he will prove it everyday. The game playing,gaslighting,"you misunderstood" does not happen with a sincere man.

 

We accept so little from love these days. Just nice words and a cheap rollercoaster ride. Love is an action, not words.

 

I hear this song and see most AP would abide by this song and sacrifice. But most MW or MM are too selfish to sacrifice. They want it all. The comforts of home and the thrill of a hidden relationship. says a lot.