Found out MIL is cheating...what to do?

[sweetharris]

In Jan 2003 my MIL asked me to figure out what was wrong with her email. She is not computer savvy at all so I said sure. It was a Hotmail account. She gave me her password. So I logged in and it was working fine. But I did notice that she had literally 30+ emails all from the same address and none of them had any subject lines. So I opened one of the emails thinking it was spam so that I could block the address for her. WELL!! If I didn't get an eyeful! She had been writing an old flame some very incriminating emails, if you kwim?

 

I saw stuff like "I can't wait to see you naked". "I love you", "I wish we could be together" blah, blah, blah

 

It was not hard to figure out after reading one of the emails. From what I gathered, he lives in another state and they had not yet met in person. Here's the bad part - I read more of the emails. It was like a soap opera - I couldn't look away!! But who was the dumbass giving out her password while having an affair??? She has changed her password since and I haven't been in her account for a long time.

 

Anyway, it made me REALLY pissed off. My FIL is a sweet man. I think she is just bored. Of course, you never know behind closed doors, but the emails made it sound like she wants to be living in a romance novel instead of real life. The OM seems to also be unhappily married (duh)

 

The ILs came to visit us only a few weeks after I found out and I sort of acted pissy towards DH's mom (I'm kind of good at the passive-aggressive thing ) although I didn't really mean to be so obvious. I was so frickin mad though! How dare she! So my DH thinks I hate his mom and my ILs noticed my behavior, too. I told DH that it was a bad week because I had just been out of town and was stressed with work. Which was partially true and everyone seemed to buy it.

 

I have sort of put this on the back burner and tried not to think about it since then. HOWEVER, the lastest development is that a couple months ago, she accidently sent me an email meant for her "lover" I just discovered it a few weeks ago because I never look at the email address I use for IM. So now I actually have proof in my hot little hands.

 

My MIL wrote:

 

>He assumed he would be the one to taake my virginity when we got married and Eddie said if it meant that much to >me..He could wait.

 

>From: [email protected]

>To: [email protected]

>Subject: Re: FW: Thought for today...

>Date: Fri, 23 Jul 2004 22:44:58 EDT

>

>....I guess the only question is...why he never made love to you...I must

>admit...I would have tried....and tried...and tried....hmmmm

 

BTW, I have no idea who the hell Eddie is?? That's not the name of the lover or my FIL.

 

So now what? I am mad that I got sucked into this unknowingly. This is a rather large burden to have. What if I slip up sometime?

 

Part of me wants to send her an ugly email. I also thought of sending an anonymous email. She claims to be a Christian. Maybe a big "thou shalt not commit adultery" in her inbox would shake her up? Maybe tell her in person? Do I tell my DH? This is the only secret I have kept from DH

 

Grrrr - I want so badly to tell the truth but I fear the consequences of me sticking my nose in it will be more than I can handle. I do not like to stir the sh*t, kwim? I am terrible with confrontation. I know in my heart of hearts that I will probably not ever say anything. But as long as she lives, I will be pissed at her everytime I see her.

 

I figure I have 3 choices: 1)Tell MIL that I know 2)Tell DH what I know and have him confront his mom 3)Do nothing

 

My DH is an only child and would be completely devestated. I feel like doing option 1 or 2 will only lead to heartache for this family. As soon as I open my mouth, the family will be ruined.

[supermom]

It's best to not have the burden on your hands. I know you want to tell but its not your place.

 

Of course, this is a VERY HARD situation to be in and I honestly don't know what I would do in your situation.

 

Best of Luck

[reservoirdog1]

Maybe you could send an anonymous letter to your FIL, giving him a bit of evidence in such a way as to not give away the source of the info.

 

Often the standard response to your question is, "if you were FIL, wouldn't YOU want to know?" I'm not telling you that you SHOULD tell him, but if you're so inclined, you should probably do it in such a way as to not make yourself obvious as the "leaker."

[Mr Spock]

Originally posted by reservoirdog1

Maybe you could send an anonymous letter to your FIL, giving him a bit of evidence in such a way as to not give away the source of the info.

 

Often the standard response to your question is, "if you were FIL, wouldn't YOU want to know?" I'm not telling you that you SHOULD tell him, but if you're so inclined, you should probably do it in such a way as to not make yourself obvious as the "leaker."

 

BAD IDEA.

 

 

Keep your nose out of it. They're not your direct relatives. If you HAVE to tell someone, tell your SO-they're HIS parents. Not yours. Let him deal with that info.

[fiatflux]

she sounds as dumb as a post -- giving you her password? accidentally sending you one of the messages? geez! I think your FIL deserves better. That said, I don't know what I would do either -- I guess my recommendation would be to tell your husband as well, but I can see that you might be afraid that it could strain YOUR relationship w/your husband. Then again, if he finds out later that you lied to him all this time, it may be worse. And face it...she is so dumb that she is going to f*ck up and do something that will tip off your H eventually!!! *LOL*

[Adunaphel]

But who was the dumbass giving out her password while having an affair???

 

That happens to people who trust others too much.

She probably didn't even think you'd have snooped in her email.

 

But I did notice that she had literally 30+ emails all from the same address and none of them had any subject lines. So I opened one of the emails thinking it was spam so that I could block the address for her.

 

You must have noticed she had already opened them....and kept them.

Did you *really* think it was spam? If so, I apologize.

But it sounds more like old plain curiosity to me.

 

I think she is just bored. Of course, you never know behind closed doors, but the emails made it sound like she wants to be living in a romance novel instead of real life.

 

For all you know her real life could be a crappy one.

Unfortunately, you cannot know for sure how their marriage is. Perhaps your FIL already knows. Perhaps he is doing the very same thing right now. Perhaps he is treating her badly.

Can you tell for sure your FIL is not cheating on your MIL?

 

Not that I'm trying to imply that what your MIL is doing is okay- she is basically cheating online.

But, as you said, you never know.

And you don't have the whole background.

 

 

Part of me wants to send her an ugly email. I also thought of sending an anonymous email. She claims to be a Christian. Maybe a big "thou shalt not commit adultery" in her inbox would shake her up?

 

Sending her an ugly e-mail would be useless....and low.

 

Talk to her about the email she accidentally sent to you, ask her what it means, tell her that you feel you should tell her H about it.

 

See her reaction.

 

It might wake her up and make her realize that she is putting her relationship in danger....that what she is doing is not good... and that she can get caught too.

 

If you really think you should tell someone other than her about what you found out, IMO the best option is telling your husband.

 

 

Good luck to you.....it must a very distressing situation to be in.