Annapol Posted June 5, 2013 Share Posted June 5, 2013 My boyfriend plays in a band. So, he obviously has a lot of female friends/fans on Facebook, he also has a lot of female friends in general, plus, he kind of brags that he's still friends with lots of his exes. We have been together for about two years now, and I still don't know which ones of these tons of female friends are his exes (like I should be creeped out by) or just friends. Especially when they post hearts and flowers on his page all the time, and he's always liking their pictures and calling them "gorgeous" or whatever. There's this one woman especially, who's always liking his stuff and putting little hearts and stuff. She creeps me out because he always says hi to her (on his own) when she comes out to see his band, and I've actually seen her grind up against him when she was drunk. I figure that with him two years into a relationship, why is she STILL obviously trying to get his attention, and why is he STILL liking and commenting on her pictures as if he were one of her regular guy followers? Are they still maybe in contact besides the occasional running into each other or online? I'm wondering if it'd be cool to ask him if they every private message, because it's like sometimes when she posts it's like she's continuing something they've been talking about, or like she's trying to prove she's still in his life or something. What creeps me out about it is not knowing for sure what their deal is or was, plus the fact that I never know for sure who all these women are or were to him. It's like, I'm pretty open about who's an ex or what, and I always ignore if they comment on my page, and I'm definately not talking to them or messaging them! So, should I just ask him if he private messages or anything with this woman? Because if he is, that seems like it would be really inappropriate to me. Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted June 5, 2013 Share Posted June 5, 2013 Your bf isn't gonna tell you the truth. Why don't you know which of his friends are exes? I suggest getting a new bf. one who doesn't keep a gaggle of back ups around. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Annapol Posted June 5, 2013 Author Share Posted June 5, 2013 Your bf isn't gonna tell you the truth. Why don't you know which of his friends are exes? I suggest getting a new bf. one who doesn't keep a gaggle of back ups around. That's one of the points, why DON'T I know which of his friends are exes? It's like he's more worried about their privacy than about my feelings. I'm going to try to figure out a way to just ask him about this, because it's kind of bothering me. I'd let it go, but then I would just have the feeling that he thinks it's ok, when it kind of feels like it's not. I've actually tried to approach him about this before but he kind of blows it off or whatever. Just not a good feeling about it. Link to post Share on other sites
AMusing Posted June 5, 2013 Share Posted June 5, 2013 You've asked him which of his friends are exes, and he refuses to tell you? That seems... strange to me. Has he told you his reasoning for that? He sounds like the stereotypical musician to me: the kind that basks in female attention, regardless of how his girlfriend might feel about it. If you stick with this guy, girls will always throw themselves at him, regardless of how long you two have been together. Why? First, he's a musician, and girls are idiots about musicians (even ones who aren't anywhere near famous). Second, because he encourages it. Time to ask yourself if you're ok with that, or not. Link to post Share on other sites
crederer Posted June 6, 2013 Share Posted June 6, 2013 Comes with the territory with guys in bands. You kind of have to accept it or move on. Doesn't necessarily mean he's doing shady business, but simply keeping fans around as they are the ones paying the bills. It's pretty common. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Annapol Posted June 6, 2013 Author Share Posted June 6, 2013 Comes with the territory with guys in bands. You kind of have to accept it or move on. Doesn't necessarily mean he's doing shady business, but simply keeping fans around as they are the ones paying the bills. It's pretty common. No, I get that schmoozing with fans is part of the deal. But letting a "fan" grind on you and liking her pictures on Facebook and having her posting on just your stuff all the time seems a bit much. I know lots of people in bands, and the fun and flirting is pretty harmless usually, and definately pretty open. And, if it's just a part of the business, why not discuss it openly and acknowledge it? Why all the secrecy? I could deal with a misguided "fan". But some girl who he's dated or ****ed and doesn't seem to get the hint (or worse, he's not giving her the hint), that is not cool. Link to post Share on other sites
jolie_baby Posted June 6, 2013 Share Posted June 6, 2013 Why are you concerned/ worried about the behavior of this girl? or even of your boyfriend? You have been together for 2 years: has he cheated during? did he break up with you for someone else? If they want to be together wouldn't he have left by now and they would be together? My point is, if you have been together for 2 years and this kind of behavior has been going on ever since, then why does it bother you now, especially if it never adversely affected your relationship before? Or did you have an unstable relationship all along, and never got to establish common boundaries or so? I would simply talk to him about it, try to understand his point of view and also communicate my point... but IMO it doesn't merit getting a new boyfriend... not yet so at least... In general, I am with giving SOs some space... even if this means liking other girls/guys pics or commenting on their profiles... in the end of the day he comes back to you, isn't it so?... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Annapol Posted June 7, 2013 Author Share Posted June 7, 2013 Why are you concerned/ worried about the behavior of this girl? or even of your boyfriend? You have been together for 2 years: has he cheated during? did he break up with you for someone else? If they want to be together wouldn't he have left by now and they would be together? My point is, if you have been together for 2 years and this kind of behavior has been going on ever since, then why does it bother you now, especially if it never adversely affected your relationship before? Or did you have an unstable relationship all along, and never got to establish common boundaries or so? Yeah, I'd say that might've been part of it. Also, I guess I just kind of reached a saturation point. He hasn't cheated, and I know he doesn't want to be with her (although apparently not for lack of trying on her part). It just felt like it was taking waaaaaay too long for her to back off. I would simply talk to him about it, try to understand his point of view and also communicate my point... but IMO it doesn't merit getting a new boyfriend... not yet so at least... We did talk and cleared the air quite a bit. Turns out they hadn't dated, but were apparently about to when I came along. So I can see from her point of view that she might want to still be trying to go for it. I had just wanted that clarification and for him to be honest and open with me. (Side note: man, I HATE when people get so desperate and grasping...now that I know what was going on, when I think of all those pathetic little hearts and winkies...poor thing, yeah, but TWO years????) In general, I am with giving SOs some space... even if this means liking other girls/guys pics or commenting on their profiles... in the end of the day he comes back to you, isn't it so?... Lol, but yes, if we gave each other any MORE space, though, we'd be with other people already. We each lead our own lives and are generally very trusting. I just knew there was something more to this woman's inappropriate attentions to him and all I wanted was for him to be open and honest with me, which he was. I mean, I had to ask, but ok, it's a start. And, he did see how creepy it had to have been for me to have seen her rubbing on him, and then him still be all chummy with her anyway, all with no explanation to go on. It took a while, but he is now basically ignoring her. I wish it had been right away, but I do get that he was probably trying to keep his options open. I don't like it, but I get it. I still feel a bit weird about how these things work, but I'm trying to focus on enjoying each moment as it comes. I'm sure there are things about my friends that are maybe not that comforting to him, even though I try to NEVER put him in that kind of position. These forums are great for hearing other voices and trying to sort out what's what. We were able to discuss what was up (or not, in this case) without it becoming an argument or anything. Very nice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted June 7, 2013 Share Posted June 7, 2013 Why haven't you asked him who's who? Are you afraid of his reaction? Don't want to appear jealous? Has he - as opposed to these women - ever done anything that made you uncomfortable or suspicious of cheating? Musicians kinda need their fans, so I would accept some of it. But I do understand the ick feeling. Link to post Share on other sites
SweetiePie12 Posted June 7, 2013 Share Posted June 7, 2013 No, I get that schmoozing with fans is part of the deal. But letting a "fan" grind on you and liking her pictures on Facebook and having her posting on just your stuff all the time seems a bit much. You could be right. I'm seeing an artist, and it began with him liking all my pictures on Facebook. Over a year later, things have progressed far beyond that, I'll just say. Link to post Share on other sites
SweetiePie12 Posted June 7, 2013 Share Posted June 7, 2013 I just knew there was something more to this woman's inappropriate attentions to him and all I wanted was for him to be open and honest with me, which he was. How are you certain he didn't tell you a half or partial truth? To reference my situation again, people know we know one another, but they don't know (but may suspect) alllll of how we sometimes spend our time together. It took a while, but he is now basically ignoring her. ...what if they took things undercover? It does happen, you know. Hope not in your case, though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Annapol Posted June 7, 2013 Author Share Posted June 7, 2013 How are you certain he didn't tell you a half or partial truth? To reference my situation again, people know we know one another, but they don't know (but may suspect) alllll of how we sometimes spend our time together. ...what if they took things undercover? It does happen, you know. Hope not in your case, though. Thank you, I hope so too. But, I asked my question and he answered. I was satisfied with the veracity of the answer, and this is basically the point where I have to trust. I now have all the information that's available to me and all I can do is just wait and see what he DOES versus what he says. Especially since it does seem that there was a bit of a misunderstanding about the other stuff that was making me more apprehensive than I normally am in these cases. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts