Things got drastic 180 degree change

[Mount]

I agree - as bad planning and impulsion is never my style, I am very against that..

 

BTW, you are never a "hater", I never feel that.

 

I have to say, this event surprised me with his capability, as I always admired him and thought he is always a contributor to positive result, with mature intelligence. But now his image is upside down in my mind, he even does not know how to handle an affair (if I may say so)...

 

I don't usually welcome people have destructive or impulsive behavior in my life, that would only bring me bad luck...so I will distant him as much as I can, except necessary work related.

 

 

Wow.

 

Can't say I'm surprised though to be honest, as the whole thing seemed very ill-planned and impulsive and I didn't comment too much, but wanted to see how it played out, for fear of seeming like a "hater."

 

Old and wise unfortunately don't always go hand in hand. I'm sorry for this let down...what are your next steps for yourself?

Edited June 6, 2013 by Mount

[spiderowl]

I'm sorry to hear what happened Mount and I can understand your loss of respect for him.

 

My instinct is that for married men who have affairs, the wife is a mother figure as well as security blanket. Mum stays in the 'kitchen' while little boy goes out to play, but she's always there when he gets back. Once you remove Mum from the scene, you see a scared little boy who didn't realise his security was invested in her.

 

I guess there are married men who are ready to leave, who have moved on emotionally and have probably lived alone for much of the time, but surely it's best to wait until they are out of the marriage and have been for a while before trusting them?

[Lillyfree]

Spider owl, a mother figure, seriously, I am unsure if you are married or what, but a mother figure no way. What most wives represent is what most men really wanted in the first place....honesty, integrity and love that is forgiving and real, most affairs seem to be about ego and low self esteem. The AP usually fills a void in the committed persons flaws, like needing an ego boost. Most MM seem to want their wives when the rubber hits the road and they see what a horrible person they have been by betraying the one they truly love.

 

i believe that what spiderowl was talking about is men who have affairs, not men in general.

i have to agree that in order to have an affair there has to be a whole lot of emotional immaturity present.

[Mount]

And, age does not define maturity....:bunny:

 

Again, I have to say I accept he is going back. Plus what else I can do, or what else I want to do - none at this point.

 

And also, I do have emotion...just for your reference.

 

i believe that what spiderowl was talking about is men who have affairs, not men in general.

i have to agree that in order to have an affair there has to be a whole lot of emotional immaturity present.

[Mount]

Oh my...I can not imagine in your case, so much back and forth, that is horrible!

 

I hate those back and forth, this why I repeatly told him I would not want to see this happen if he was not having firmed mind-set, but he insisted to leave wife, but then went back.

 

That was first time, for sure would be last time. When I want to do something, either the thing has to be successful, or I will abandon the whole thing - back and forth is not my type. So this time I accept him back home....that is the end of story.

 

 

I'm sorry Mount. I've been there. MM left, went back a day later, left again, went back two day later, then she kicked him out. I was stupid and held on. Well until he abused me.

 

I know the deep disappointment. The confusion. The pain. Eventually the anger. After the second time he went back I tried to let go. I said "f this" and even went on a few dates...of course he always begged back, sent me pictures as he packed his bags acting like it was what he wanted. God he even invited me to his brothers house where he had moved to.

 

But the whole time I wasn't the only one he was begging...remember this. He will be trying to work it out with you, try to keep you in his life...but remember, he is trying to keep her too, he is begging her forgiveness as well. He is probably crying to her as he is to you, promising the world. I know that's what mine did. We both kicked him to the curb, he was crying and begging for us both back. I know this because his phone was left at my house after I got back from the hospital and he was in jail.

 

Well thankfully I was finished for good...she unfortunately stayed with him. I'll never understand why, how you could forgive a year and a half affair..but then again, before I had an affair I never understood how someone could be in one.

 

Just see this as your escape. A bullet dodged. Move on with your life and find someone worth while. You know deep down..he was never worth your time.

[2sunny]

None of it is easy Mount - and I'm sorry he's not a man of his word.

 

He may be in that category of men that like both women in their life. Many MM are that way - they just always feel the need to have more than the wife.

 

I hope you can stay strong - you deserve better. Never settle.

[Mount]

Unfortunately what I want is mine and only, could not share. So if he is going back, there has no coming back allowed...

 

Back and forth is not acceptable, and me deadly serious against with, which I had been preventing at the very beginning.

 

None of it is easy Mount - and I'm sorry he's not a man of his word.

 

He may be in that category of men that like both women in their life. Many MM are that way - they just always feel the need to have more than the wife.

 

I hope you can stay strong - you deserve better. Never settle.

[Anna-Belle]

I'm sorry your MM flip-flopped. It's all too common and is a sign that your MM left his marriage prematurely. Likely he was trying to choose which woman to be with instead of dealing with the real issues which have led him to have an EMR. Is he seeing a counselor? He would likely benefit from going to one.

 

It's up to you of course whether the flip-flopping is a deal-breaker to you or not. It really has nothing to do with you and everything to do with your MM. While being in an EMR certainly is not ideal, oftentimes a MM needs time to figure out what he's all about and deal with his issues before he can make a definite move away from the marriage.

[Owl]

Mount, sorry you're going through this.

 

A couple of things to consider.

 

First off...I don't think he's "kidding himself". I DO think he's confused. You see, he's had the best of all things for a while. A wife and marriage that provides security and comfort. An OW who provides additional support and admiration. And...he had a situation in which there was little to no drama.

 

He THOUGHT at that point in time that he wanted you exclusively, and so he took action to secure that.

 

When faced with the REALITY of losing that marriage...he balked.

 

He's not "kidding himself"...he's just wanting to keep both and realizing that the actions he took truly would change that situation, which I don't think he'd really thought through before.

 

Which leads to my second point for you.

 

He's going to reach out to you and attempt to restore that status quo. Once his wife goes through her rollercoaster of emotions...and things start to calm down to a point where he's no scrambling to keep his marriage...he's going to come back to you and attempt to resume the affair with you.

 

Which is why YOU need to give some serious thought as to what you want out of all of this, and take appropriate action. If you don't want the affair to resume, then plan NOW on how to avoid that.

 

I wish you the best, regardless.

[Got it]

Wow Mount, I am sorry. I am impressed with your mindset and while some people don't understand your logical and pragmatic state of mind, I love it and know it will help you move forward. I am similar so sound like I don't care when that isn't the case, I just don't lend to wailing and emotionally expressive.

 

I agree, age and maturity are not guaranteed partners in life.

[Mount]

Owl - I totally understand what you are saying and I accept that he flipflopped and went back to reconcile with wife.

 

As to your second point, it is obvious our A is ended now, and he also expressed that, and I totally agree. I don't expect him to come back the resume the affair, as the starting point of this whole flipflop thing was that he is aware what I want is mine and only. Plus, realistically, not like before, no one knews about the affair, now he had exposed himself to his wife.

 

Which means, despite his drastic behavior disppointed me for sure, it also ends the affair at the clean slate.

 

Just like your "quote" Do or Don't, there has no try. But somehow I feel failure that not able to have the capability to accomplish a project.

 

 

Mount, sorry you're going through this.

 

A couple of things to consider.

 

First off...I don't think he's "kidding himself". I DO think he's confused. You see, he's had the best of all things for a while. A wife and marriage that provides security and comfort. An OW who provides additional support and admiration. And...he had a situation in which there was little to no drama.

 

He THOUGHT at that point in time that he wanted you exclusively, and so he took action to secure that.

 

When faced with the REALITY of losing that marriage...he balked.

 

He's not "kidding himself"...he's just wanting to keep both and realizing that the actions he took truly would change that situation, which I don't think he'd really thought through before.

 

Which leads to my second point for you.

 

He's going to reach out to you and attempt to restore that status quo. Once his wife goes through her rollercoaster of emotions...and things start to calm down to a point where he's no scrambling to keep his marriage...he's going to come back to you and attempt to resume the affair with you.

 

Which is why YOU need to give some serious thought as to what you want out of all of this, and take appropriate action. If you don't want the affair to resume, then plan NOW on how to avoid that.

 

I wish you the best, regardless.

Edited June 7, 2013 by Mount

[veryhappy]

I was surprised to see you write of plans of being together. I always thought your affair was very casual - he was taking you shopping and filling the void of being alone. After the intense pain goes away, ask yourself if you really wanted him or he was just filling your loneliness. If you'll still believe that you wanted a life with him, it will be a more difficult road to recover.

 

Men going back to their wives is very common. At least yours did after one day. Mine never even left the couch in their house. Be greatful. It's much more hurtful if they go back and forth for months and years and they do that as long as they can bs both women.

 

As others have said, he'll come back for the A, and might try to bs you again if that's what it will take and he's still confused. I was in a better position because mine realized how he never wanted me anyway. It's much more difficult to walk away if they still sell you the fantasy of being together. Be prepared for anything and dontexpect he'll do whatever is best for you, which we women foolishly think.

Edited June 7, 2013 by cutedragon

[weedsandposies]

Owl - I totally understand what you are saying and I accept that he flipflopped and went back to reconcile with wife.

 

As to your second point, it is obvious our A is ended now, and he also expressed that, and I totally agree. I don't expect him to come back the resume the affair, as the starting point of this whole flipflop thing was that he is aware what I want is mine and only. Plus, realistically, not like before, no one knews about the affair, now he had exposed himself to his wife.

 

Which means, despite his drastic behavior disppointed me for sure, it also ends the affair at the clean slate.

 

Just like your "quote" Do or Don't, there has no try. But somehow I feel failure that not able to have the capability to accomplish a project.

 

Mount, relationships aren't a "project". So much goes into the dynamic, much of which are emotions. There is no mathematical equation for feelings.

 

You said your self you were relieved when he left. Maybe you're just not compatible. It didn't work out. So what? You'll make another relationship in your future a success.

[Mount]

Yes it could be compatiblity because of our difference that he back off which I/he initially would think it can be overcome, or because he was awaken that he could not leave long marriage after all.

 

The overall scene, I was mad at myself and himself as well that I did not do enough to stop him to leave home at the first place, thus causing the current turmoil. Although in another word, if it meant to be happening sooner or later, sooner is better.

 

 

 

Mount, relationships aren't a "project". So much goes into the dynamic, much of which are emotions. There is no mathematical equation for feelings.

 

You said your self you were relieved when he left. Maybe you're just not compatible. It didn't work out. So what? You'll make another relationship in your future a success.

Edited June 7, 2013 by Mount

[Owl]

Owl - I totally understand what you are saying and I accept that he flipflopped and went back to reconcile with wife.

 

As to your second point, it is obvious our A is ended now, and he also expressed that, and I totally agree. I don't expect him to come back the resume the affair, as the starting point of this whole flipflop thing was that he is aware what I want is mine and only. Plus, realistically, not like before, no one knews about the affair, now he had exposed himself to his wife.

 

Which means, despite his drastic behavior disppointed me for sure, it also ends the affair at the clean slate.

 

Just like your "quote" Do or Don't, there has no try. But somehow I feel failure that not able to have the capability to accomplish a project.

 

Mount...glad you're thinking through this so well.

 

Just consider that we've seen this same dynamic many times.

 

MM is either caught or does something that causes the affair to be "ended".

 

Once things calm down to a point where he feels he can "get away with it"...he reaches back out to the OW. His first attempt at contact may seem relatively innocent. An "I'm sorry", or a "Are you OK?", or similar contact...maybe a "I left my fuzzy slippers at your house, can I have them back?".

 

The intent in this kind of contact is what they call "fishing"...he's wanting to see if the OW is going to rebuff him or not. If she doesn't...he continues mild 'courting' type contact, similar to what he used initially. Innocuous seeming things that keep him in your mind and thoughts...and also 'feed' his craving of resuming the affair. And it continues...sometimes it just takes a short time, sometimes a little longer...until the affair is back on full swing, with the AP wondering how that happened AGAIN.

 

Please realize that we've seen this many, many times.

 

Given the pace at which everything went...I'd be willing to bet you that you'll be contacted him again sometime within the next two weeks.

 

Which is why I suggest that you have a PLAN in place for how to deal with that when it happens.

[Mount]

Owl - did you forget the MM and myself work together thus we still had contact during last few days. But remember one major thing changes is that now wife is aware the situation, so that is why MM has been stated that he wants the affair to end and also to reconcile with wife, so do I (that I really have no interest anymore) based on all the flipflop thing happened.

 

My bet is that the MM is not going to have the guts to try resuming affair as it may cause jepoardy if wife takes actions.

 

Plus, before I was catering to MM to participate into the relationship, now since his wife is aware, there has no way I want to continue at the risk of my everything. Simple is that.

 

But funny you are so right - he did leave some stuff here when he flipflopped back home that day, but I decide to throw away.

 

Also, before everyone says changing job topic - I do not plan to, he can change even he does not want to(but wife can advise him or pressure him).

 

Mount...glad you're thinking through this so well.

 

Just consider that we've seen this same dynamic many times.

 

MM is either caught or does something that causes the affair to be "ended".

 

Once things calm down to a point where he feels he can "get away with it"...he reaches back out to the OW. His first attempt at contact may seem relatively innocent. An "I'm sorry", or a "Are you OK?", or similar contact...maybe a "I left my fuzzy slippers at your house, can I have them back?".

 

The intent in this kind of contact is what they call "fishing"...he's wanting to see if the OW is going to rebuff him or not. If she doesn't...he continues mild 'courting' type contact, similar to what he used initially. Innocuous seeming things that keep him in your mind and thoughts...and also 'feed' his craving of resuming the affair. And it continues...sometimes it just takes a short time, sometimes a little longer...until the affair is back on full swing, with the AP wondering how that happened AGAIN.

 

Please realize that we've seen this many, many times.

 

Given the pace at which everything went...I'd be willing to bet you that you'll be contacted him again sometime within the next two weeks.

 

Which is why I suggest that you have a PLAN in place for how to deal with that when it happens.

Edited June 7, 2013 by Mount

[Mount]

The ending of the affair is obviously after last week's flipflopping, and I accept that he went back. We both try not making anymore noise outside.

 

But I feel like I can not digest well about the feeling of the aftermath. I won't let A to resume, that is for sure.

 

Any wisdom you can share about the feeling of the aftermath?

[2sunny]

The ending of the affair is obviously after last week's flipflopping, and I accept that he went back. We both try not making anymore noise outside.

 

But I feel like I can not digest well about the feeling of the aftermath. I won't let A to resume, that is for sure.

 

Any wisdom you can share about the feeling of the aftermath?

 

I think you seem to have a solid boundary that you're willing to abide by. That's good and healthy for your benefit.

 

Start living like a single gal - rule MM out for your best outcome.

 

And have fun doing that!

 

You deserve the best - never settle Mount.

[HonestNeurotic]

The ending of the affair is obviously after last week's flipflopping, and I accept that he went back. We both try not making anymore noise outside.

 

But I feel like I can not digest well about the feeling of the aftermath. I won't let A to resume, that is for sure.

 

Any wisdom you can share about the feeling of the aftermath?

 

Go and do something that you always wanted to do, but for whatever reason, never got around to it. LIVE! Things that you've never done, or places you've never gone, even if they are not far away places.

 

I had a really bad breakup, and I just delved into things that I had on my bucket list. I was 40. It changed me, for the better. Some things were simple, others required more planning and funds. Skydiving was one. Best thing I ever did for myself. I learned to be happy just with myself.

 

I admire that you're sticking to your guns, so to speak. i.e., not going to do some long drawn out flip flop affair thing. Cut your losses and run. Best of luck to you.

[Mount]

But even though everyone is saying he went back is not about me, it is natural that I feel failure....even though he DID choose to tell wife and decided to leave in a moment.

 

How do I reconcile the feeling though?

 

Go and do something that you always wanted to do, but for whatever reason, never got around to it. LIVE! Things that you've never done, or places you've never gone, even if they are not far away places.

 

I had a really bad breakup, and I just delved into things that I had on my bucket list. I was 40. It changed me, for the better. Some things were simple, others required more planning and funds. Skydiving was one. Best thing I ever did for myself. I learned to be happy just with myself.

 

I admire that you're sticking to your guns, so to speak. i.e., not going to do some long drawn out flip flop affair thing. Cut your losses and run. Best of luck to you.

[HonestNeurotic]

But even though everyone is saying he went back is not about me, it is natural that I feel failure....even though he DID choose to tell wife and decided to leave in a moment.

 

How do I reconcile the feeling though?

 

I used to have this friend that had a lot of challenges in her life on the emotional front. She would run around saying "I can't win". I kept asking her - What do you want to win? See, she really didn't know. She felt that she was "losing", but not realizing that she didn't know what "winning" really was.

 

I would suggest changing your perspective. You did not lose anything at all. You WON by getting the truth of the situation made apparent to you. You now KNOW. You have an answer. There is no underlying murkiness, you got the gift of clarity. And that's a really hard commodity to "win" when it comes to love games. Because one never really "knows" what another is feeling. What's in someone else's mind.

 

I personally feel that we attach to much significance in our views of ourselves based on winning/losing. Life a journey, and not a destination, and all that kinda sentiment. I know that I can look at things that perhaps at the time looked at as "losing", but it propelled me into "winning" in other ways. Sometimes, even the reverse is true. Something that I though I was a winner in, well, I look back now and think that it might of been a temporary high, but in the long run, it held me back from better things. Always, there is a lesson to be learned. That lesson helps me to progress forward, and be better.

 

You shared your "failure" here. I use quotation marks, as I don't see it as a failure. True failure is not acknowledging when we're wrong, or acting as though things are not what they really are. I'm sure that doesn't do anything to help you lessen the pain (heartache). You are not the loser here. You are awake, aware, and cognizant of the real world. He is not. He does not have the courage to be who he says he is or wants to be. People always say to be yourself, though you will find that few will acknowledge who they really are.

 

Like I said, I really feel that you WON here. The universe spared you from further turmoil.

[Owl]

Mount-

 

I think the best thing you can do for yourself at this point is to keep moving forward.

 

You recognize this is the end off the affair. Great step 1. You're going to take effort to 'block' his future attempts at resuming the affair...important step 2.

 

Next for you are two things that you can somewhat happen together.

 

First...mourn the end of the relationship you had with him. Acknowledge that it's over, and grieve as you need to. That's where you'll really find closure.

 

Second, fill your time and energy that you used to spend on him with something else. Start working out, resume an old hobby, start a new one.

 

Fill your mind and time with something other than him, and you'll heal much faster.

[Mount]

Then what happened afterwards?

 

I like what Frank Pittman says about this very common thing. He's said time & time again in his office, he hears when these romantic affairs happen, the other woman is usually cautious, pessimistic & doubtful of the relationship working, where as the MM is the delusional optimistic one with all the hope. And then the MM finally wakes up out of fantasy land and the OW is sitting there saying "I told ya so."

 

How he acted, is very common. My ex-mm did the same. It was his idea to make a seperate hidden bank account, go looking at apartments, etc. to make a future with me as I sat there doubting it the whole time. Pittman is right, MM's usually lose their heads for a short while & then wake up from la la land & go running back to their mommy.

[Mount]

Owl - what you have said makes every sense...basically the fantasy is gone. Even though other poster did point out the drastic behavior from MM might be common, still, I feel sense of failure.

 

However, the upside of breaking up is I don't have the stress of keeping secrecy, as there has no secrecy anymore.

 

 

Mount-

 

I think the best thing you can do for yourself at this point is to keep moving forward.

 

You recognize this is the end off the affair. Great step 1. You're going to take effort to 'block' his future attempts at resuming the affair...important step 2.

 

Next for you are two things that you can somewhat happen together.

 

First...mourn the end of the relationship you had with him. Acknowledge that it's over, and grieve as you need to. That's where you'll really find closure.

 

Second, fill your time and energy that you used to spend on him with something else. Start working out, resume an old hobby, start a new one.

 

Fill your mind and time with something other than him, and you'll heal much faster.

[georgia girl]

Mount,

 

Just dropping you a quick line to say that I know that you have been through an awful lot and you have handled it with amazing strength. Your clarity of purpose is serving YOU well. Keep that focus and I think you will get what you want, need and desire out of any relationship you start going forward.

 

Equity is a beautiful thing; but it's absolutely necessary for a successful relationship. Hold out for it. It's the proverbial brass ring.