What do you do when you're NC and your crush contacts you months later?

[Teknoe]

NC = no contact

 

Right now, I've reached out to my crush (for hang outs) the last 2-3 times. Haven't gotten so much as a response from her. For whatever reason, I'm getting the silent treatment of "Back off, I need some space right now."

 

I know I will maintain NC, but I also know at some point she will remember the times we enjoyed together, and she is bound to text me again.

 

Should I play it:

 

A. Whatever's good/go with the flow

B. A bit assertive, which could make me come off as an *******, but one who demands respect (I did reach out to her the last 3 times and she didn't even respond back, not even a courtesy reply. So should I just act like it never happened and carry on as normal? Or should I be a bit more confrontational?)

C. Other? explain.

 

And no, ignoring her initiating a "wassup" to me is NOT an option. If she hollers, I will holler back. Question is how.

 

example of A: "Oh hey wassup. long time no talk"

 

example of B: "Hey stranger. Where have u been?"

 

B just seems so needy and clingy. Even though I want respect and want to know where the F she has been, I don't think B would fly over too well. A is probably the best way to go, right?

 

Are there any no no's to when a girl you like but went MIA on you decides to contact you back weeks or even months later?

 

Important thing is, in the meantime, I commit to no contact, and I keep improving myself.

[LOSTnMT]

So what part of NO CONTACT don't you grasp?

 

You can't have it both ways. Just leave her alone and find somebody else.

[somedude81]

Dude, you have to move on.

 

You're sounding a lot like me when I was chasing after Dani.

[Teknoe]

Dude, you have to move on.

 

You're sounding a lot like me when I was chasing after Dani.

 

I was just thinking this earlier today. Oh the irony.

Speaking of irony, the tighter you try to hold on, the easier it becomes to lose that which you desire.

 

Funny huh.

 

I thought no contact meant no initiating?

 

She was never my GF. If she breaks up with him and heals, and then seeks me out, then that's ideal for me. It's not like we were a couple, had a nasty break up and now it's hasta la vista forever, ya know?

[somedude81]

I was just thinking this earlier today. Oh the irony.

Speaking of irony, the tighter you try to hold on, the easier it becomes to lose that which you desire.

 

Funny huh.

Yup.

 

So at least you realize it.

 

I thought no contact meant no initiating?

It applies to both people.

 

In your case it means not initiating.

 

There is also a situation where one has no interest in trying to stay in contact with somebody and ignores all attempts of communication from them.

 

Simply ignoring you is a tactic that many women use and they just hope the guy will go away.

 

She was never my GF. If she breaks up with him and heals, and then seeks me out, then that's ideal for me. It's not like we were a couple, had a nasty break up and now it's hasta la vista forever, ya know?

*shrug*

 

Maybe she will, maybe she won't.

 

You just can't sit around waiting for her.

[Teknoe]

*shrug*

 

Maybe she will, maybe she won't.

 

You just can't sit around waiting for her.

 

For the record I never said I'll be sitting around waiting for her.

 

I will move on, as best as I can. I am however open IF she INITIATES contact with me, because I would like to resume a friendship with her. I know it's dangerous, but if I can keep my wits about me 2nd time around, then a casual friendship where we connect on work is possible, until one of us marries.

 

In a nutshell, I am moving on, but figure she will INITIATE contact with me in the near future. When she does, my question is, how should I respond? I can't just ignore her if she initiates. I don't plan to initiate, but I plan to respond when/if she initiates.

[TaraMaiden]

For the record I never said I'll be sitting around waiting for her.

 

I will move on, as best as I can. I am however open IF she INITIATES contact with me, because I would like to resume a friendship with her. I know it's dangerous, but if I can keep my wits about me 2nd time around, then a casual friendship where we connect on work is possible, until one of us marries.

 

In a nutshell, I am moving on, but figure she will INITIATE contact with me in the near future. When she does, my question is, how should I respond? I can't just ignore her if she initiates. I don't plan to initiate, but I plan to respond when/if she initiates.

She doesn't INITIATE contact.

You do.

All she does is knock at the door.

YOU initiate contact by 'opening' it.

If you didn't 'open the door' there would be No Contact.

Ergo, she doesn't BREAK or INITIATE contact - you do.

 

If you always plan to respond, then you are forever breaking No Contact.

This dysfunction is on you, not her.

 

You need to read the Guide again.

She's friend-zoned you and is using you as an option.

Not a priority.

Her 'soft place to fall'.

 

if you're happy with this, then enjoy.

[Minneloa]

What follows is "tough love" from a person who has weathered quite a few fierce crushes in her time:

 

OP, why are you worrying about what to do in a future hypothetical scenario? Right now, she is not communicating with you; this is your current reality. Why waste your mental and emotional energy on her?

 

From what you have posted, it is time to move on. If she initiates contact in the future, you can decide what to do then. You might be surprised at how your interest level in her friendship dwindles over time if you focus on yourself and the present moment.

[Teknoe]

What follows is "tough love" from a person who has weathered quite a few fierce crushes in her time:

 

OP, why are you worrying about what to do in a future hypothetical scenario? Right now, she is not communicating with you; this is your current reality. Why waste your mental and emotional energy on her?

 

From what you have posted, it is time to move on. If she initiates contact in the future, you can decide what to do then. You might be surprised at how your interest level in her friendship dwindles over time if you focus on yourself and the present moment.

 

If you have weathered quite a few fierce crushes in your time then you oughta know the week right after it dies is the toughest. It's fresh in my head... she was like an addiction to talk to... and we were hanging out regularly the past month. Until last week when it all went kaput.

 

I will be fine in time but right now it's hard NOT to think about her throughout my day. I wish I didn't, but I can't help it right now. My brain keeps thinking about what she must be thinking, why the no contact on her part, what I did "wrong" etc.

 

It sucks.

[somedude81]

If you have weathered quite a few fierce crushes in your time then you oughta know the week right after it dies is the toughest. It's fresh in my head... she was like an addiction to talk to... and we were hanging out regularly the past month. Until last week when it all went kaput.

 

I will be fine in time but right now it's hard NOT to think about her throughout my day. I wish I didn't, but I can't help it right now. My brain keeps thinking about what she must be thinking, why the no contact on her part, what I did "wrong" etc.

 

It sucks.

Yup it really sucks. I know exactly what you are talking about.

 

All you can do is try to keep busy.

[Minneloa]

If you have weathered quite a few fierce crushes in your time then you oughta know the week right after it dies is the toughest. It's fresh in my head... she was like an addiction to talk to... and we were hanging out regularly the past month. Until last week when it all went kaput.

 

I will be fine in time but right now it's hard NOT to think about her throughout my day. I wish I didn't, but I can't help it right now. My brain keeps thinking about what she must be thinking, why the no contact on her part, what I did "wrong" etc.

 

It sucks.

 

Of course. It stinks! I sympathize.

 

My point is that actively planning for and soliciting opinions about her possible re-emergence is not the best use of your time and energy.

 

Also, might there be a part of you that feels used and discarded by her? If so, get mad, and put this energy towards moving away from her and her poor relationship boundaries (again, from what you have posted).

 

Sending good thoughts,

M.

[Teknoe]

Yup it really sucks. I know exactly what you are talking about.

 

All you can do is try to keep busy.

 

For sure, man. Today was a busy day, so I didn't have a whole lot of time to think about it. Some days are tougher than others. Even playing my video games, like RPGs, are kind of tough to do now. It's funny how games are best when your life is going pretty well. If things are crappy, you can hardly even enjoy a hobby like video games.

 

But I'll be OK in time.

 

Got a social volunteering event Friday night and a friend's bday party on Saturday. Church on Sunday with good old friends. Keeping busy is the key.

 

 

Of course. It stinks! I sympathize.

 

My point is that actively planning for and soliciting opinions about her possible re-emergence is not the best use of your time and energy.

 

Also, might there be a part of you that feels used and discarded by her? If so, get mad, and put this energy towards moving away from her and her poor relationship boundaries (again, from what you have posted).

 

Sending good thoughts,

M.

 

Thanks M. I know you mean well. Part of me does feel used and discarded. Hard for me to get mad though... I think mainly it's on me for getting my hopes up.

 

Right now I'm into rebuilding my body. This gives me fuel. As I work out my thought process is "friend zone this!" LOL. Seriously, it helps add fuel to the fire. I've never been "fit" once in my life. It'll be nice to hit that goal this end of the summer.

[TaraMaiden]

... she was like an addiction to talk to...

This is precisely what No Contact is: Cold Turkey for the heart.

 

It's coming off the addictive aspect of your relationship; expunging the noxious effect of neediness, clinging and quiet desperation.

And it hurts more than a ton-weight medicine ball to the solar plexus.

 

 

I will be fine in time but right now it's hard NOT to think about her throughout my day. I wish I didn't, but I can't help it right now. My brain keeps thinking about what she must be thinking, why the no contact on her part, what I did "wrong" etc.

You're 'snowballing'.

 

Big time.

Quit snowballing.

It's summer, after all.....

 

(Quick insight on Snowballing:- )

 

I read something on the internet, a while back, that struck a chord....

 

Basically it said that when you're in true distress, the distress lasts for 12 minutes or so.

After that, it's self-inflicted.

A stack of people came back with arguments against this fact:

 

That drug addicts can take years to get over their pain, bereavement is permanent because someone is gone you can't replace them...

 

They were missing the point.

 

If a thought that provokes the pain comes into your head, that thought generates that pain for around 12 minutes at a time.

 

Any prolongation of that pain, is something you are psychologically inflicting upon yourself, by perpetuating that pain.

 

So the thing to do, is to not permit that pain to 'snowball.'

 

This is the problem with situations like this:

Those nursing a broken/healing heart, can't "just leave it there"....

They begin the snowballing... that is, they have the grain of an embryonic thought, and instead of leaving it, they begin to roll it DOWN the hill, accumulating more 'snow' as they go, turning this fleeting little notion into a great big story complete with chapter, verse, footnotes and date references....

 

The trick is to not start rolling the snowball.

Pick it up and throw it, and move on.

 

It takes time to 'get over' a relationship of any kind.

But in your healing process, learn to spot, to recognise, where the real 'pain' should stop, and where you begin with the self-inflicted 'pain'.

 

Pain is valid.

Emotions are valid.

They deserve to be honoured.

But if we self-inflict, we actually do those honourable feelings an injustice, because we coat them and embellish them with our own story, and blur the edges of their raw honesty.

 

The self inflicted pain begins when you begin to labour the point. When you diversify from the original thought and take that line of thinking into a completely new and unrelated zone.

you may THINK it's all related, but it's not.

 

For example: (totally invented and just to demonstrate....)

You suddenly remember that day the car ran out of petrol, and she jokingly accuses you of doing it on purpose, in order to get down to some naughty hanky-panky... it makes you smile, but you then remember where you were going, what your trip out was for, what she was wearing, other things she said....

 

Here it is again, with the original thought, and where the point starts getting laboured...

 

(1) You suddenly remember that day the car ran out of petrol, and she jokingly accuses you of doing it on purpose, in order to get down to some naughty hanky-panky... it makes you smile, [highlight]snowballing starts here[/highlight] (2) but you then remember where you were going, what your trip out was for, what she was wearing, other things she said....

 

See what happened there? You began the snowballing, adding, embellishing, expanding - and feeding your own pain.

 

Feel the feeling (1). Don't labour the point (2).

[elle2012]

Reality is specific girls will never contact you. after a long time of it, girls will move on. she might still wonder about you! but You have to initiate contact if You still like her. and i Know i keep on emphasizing that You have to make the first move but thats just how it is. whether you like it or not. i myself like when a guy is confident enough to contact me and show interest. why not meet her in person to catch up and i dont think you will sound weird it will probably b fun for both

[TaraMaiden]

Reality is specific girls will never contact you. after a long time of it, girls will move on. she might still wonder about you! but You have to initiate contact if You still like her. and i Know i keep on emphasizing that You have to make the first move but thats just how it is. whether you like it or not. i myself like when a guy is confident enough to contact me and show interest. why not meet her in person to catch up and i dont think you will sound weird it will probably b fun for both

 

 

Worst advice you could ever possibly take.

 

This is contrary to all logic, reasoning and damage limitation.

 

Please, with all due respect elle2012, do not give advice where you haven't read the whole story/threads.

[Teknoe]

^ Well, no worries. It's pretty much over between me and this girl.

 

My boss asked me about her yesterday, because my company is still hiring and he said the applicants so far have only been "OK." He asked me to ask her her status, if she was still looking for a job etc.

 

So I texted her last night that my principal asked her if she was maybe still interested.

 

She hasn't gotten back to me.

 

An hour ago I contacted her on chat. "Hey, you get my text last night?"

 

Minute and a half later she goes from "available" status to "away" status.

 

Very bad signs. She's basically ignoring me and has been ghosting me. What sucks is the lack of a reasoning. I guess it doesn't matter ultimately but it'd be nice to hear what I did that caused things to sour.

 

Her last contact to me was literally "You're too popular for your own good, Mr. Tek." I didn't think she meant that in a bad way, or in a "and this is why you'll never hear from me again. Good luck with life" kind of way.

 

I thought maybe she was just kinda being playful.

 

And that's the last I have heard from her.

 

I wish she would just say like "Listen, I enjoyed your friendship while it lasted, but then you got too serious and I'm already in a relationship. Plus, I just don't see you that way. It's best if we both move on"

 

People say it hurts to hear that, but I rather hear the truth than a murky quiet ending. I know she doesn't owe me an explanation, but it helps with closure I feel.

 

Anyway, I'm pretty much done contacting her. She got my text most likely, and she definitely got my chat message. If she's gonna continue to ghost me then well, I don't want someone in my life who doesn't care about me.