Should I trust him?

[Sdee]

3 years ago I got involved with a MM. Met through friends, immediate overwhelming attraction. He had cheated previously and explained he was very unhappy and was only staying with her because of their child and because he was "a coward" and felt guilty and didn't want to struggle with money. He says they have nothing in common and never should have married.

 

I never asked him to leave. It was a situation where we both were ok with how the situation was. I'm 27, never married. He's 33 and they have been married 7 years now. At the time I just didn't want a commitment and so this was I guess a safe choice knowing it could never go to the next level. I do feel guilty about my choices but I was completely in love with him and feel like we are perfect for each other if things were different.

 

2 years into it I decided I was ready to move on and start a relationship. He was upset but "just wanted me to be happy". Didn't speak for 1-2 months hardly and I started dating people. Then he called and said he can't live without me and he was leaving his wife. I told him I didn't want him to leave because of me. He then of course argued that he's doing it with or without me because he's so miserable. I told him we shouldn't talk for a month or 2 so he could really think about it. He was acting obessed. Paranoid that I was talking to other men, sending flowers to my work 2 days a week, was planning vacations and talking about how wonderful it would be. Telling me I'm the best thing that ever has happened to him. At that point I was thrilled and was happy as I've ever been. All my walls came down.

 

He filed, he moved out, sold their house, he went through hell with her and her family. Him and I started fighting after a month or 2 of him moving because he started pushing me away. He started acting soooo weird, and suddenly "couldn't promise me anything" after 3 months of being moved out. And then I found out he was speaking to her romantically behind my back. Lied to me about several things. And next thing I knew he was moving back in with her at her mom's house and pretty much left me on the curb like trash with no explantion, no sincere apology, nothing. I was devastated.

 

That was about 4 months ago. 1 month ago we started talking again casually. I couldn't tell you why. Today he told me he wants to leave again. Gave me 100 reasons why it's different this time. That he knows now he can't be happy with her and that this time he's going to come clean about having an affair which he didn't before. And that he once again is doing this with or without me. I found myself becoming almost angry. But he's "so sorry" he hurt me and I'm his soul mate and he even cries while talking about how he hurt me.

 

My gut is telling me to stop speaking to him and let him figure it out and he can come back when he's a single man. My family and friends are appalled that I am even considering giving him another chance. But my heart just wants to be with him and I don't know if I should trust him again. Is it dumb to forgive and try to start over? Should I refuse to stay involved until he's 100% divorced? I feel so torn. I've really missed him.

[Pierre]

Op

 

You cannot be this naive.

 

This man is flaky, a serial cheater, and lies to all women in his life. Are you out of options at age 27 with no children and prior baggage? I would understand if you were 45 with four kids.

[Praying4Peace]

3 years ago I got involved with a MM. Met through friends, immediate overwhelming attraction. He had cheated previously and explained he was very unhappy and was only staying with her because of their child and because he was "a coward" and felt guilty and didn't want to struggle with money. He says they have nothing in common and never should have married.

 

I never asked him to leave. It was a situation where we both were ok with how the situation was. I'm 27, never married. He's 33 and they have been married 7 years now. At the time I just didn't want a commitment and so this was I guess a safe choice knowing it could never go to the next level. I do feel guilty about my choices but I was completely in love with him and feel like we are perfect for each other if things were different.

 

2 years into it I decided I was ready to move on and start a relationship. He was upset but "just wanted me to be happy". Didn't speak for 1-2 months hardly and I started dating people. Then he called and said he can't live without me and he was leaving his wife. I told him I didn't want him to leave because of me. He then of course argued that he's doing it with or without me because he's so miserable. I told him we shouldn't talk for a month or 2 so he could really think about it. He was acting obessed. Paranoid that I was talking to other men, sending flowers to my work 2 days a week, was planning vacations and talking about how wonderful it would be. Telling me I'm the best thing that ever has happened to him. At that point I was thrilled and was happy as I've ever been. All my walls came down.

 

He filed, he moved out, sold their house, he went through hell with her and her family. Him and I started fighting after a month or 2 of him moving because he started pushing me away. He started acting soooo weird, and suddenly "couldn't promise me anything" after 3 months of being moved out. And then I found out he was speaking to her romantically behind my back. Lied to me about several things. And next thing I knew he was moving back in with her at her mom's house and pretty much left me on the curb like trash with no explantion, no sincere apology, nothing. I was devastated.

 

That was about 4 months ago. 1 month ago we started talking again casually. I couldn't tell you why. Today he told me he wants to leave again. Gave me 100 reasons why it's different this time. That he knows now he can't be happy with her and that this time he's going to come clean about having an affair which he didn't before. And that he once again is doing this with or without me. I found myself becoming almost angry. But he's "so sorry" he hurt me and I'm his soul mate and he even cries while talking about how he hurt me.

 

My gut is telling me to stop speaking to him and let him figure it out and he can come back when he's a single man. My family and friends are appalled that I am even considering giving him another chance. But my heart just wants to be with him and I don't know if I should trust him again. Is it dumb to forgive and try to start over? Should I refuse to stay involved until he's 100% divorced? I feel so torn. I've really missed him.

 

He's shown you he can't be trusted. He's shown his wife he can't be trusted. What makes this time different, other than the new 'reasons' he has concocted. Don't you think he had those new 'reasons' for his W when she took him back?

 

Tell him to call you up 6 months AFTER his divorce is final (its not final or is it?) and not a minute before that. If his divorce is final and he's still going back and forth just dump him.

[spice4life]

If it were me, no, I wouldn't trust it after what he put you through the first time. Tell him to contact you when he is 100% free and clear. I'm not even in your situation and I get ticked reading these stories about wussy MM's jerking women around. It is an awful thing to do to people.

 

I wouldn't touch that situaton with a ten foot pole. And if I did, it would require couples counseling and true blue actions before I could trust. He broke your heart. Do you really want to open youself up to that again? Yikes.

[Sdee]

Obviously I have other options I guess it just comes down to not knowing why I would even consider it and not moving on. I just thought we had a connection like nothing I ever came close to having before. But it seems like no one thinks he should get a 2nd chance! Which is very helpful. This isn't something I have a lot of ppl to talk about with. Thanks!

[Mount]

I hope you are not using the strategy that taking a poll here , then decide what to do with him.

 

Your gut feeling usually tells all...good luck.

 

Obviously I have other options I guess it just comes down to not knowing why I would even consider it and not moving on. I just thought we had a connection like nothing I ever came close to having before. But it seems like no one thinks he should get a 2nd chance! Which is very helpful. This isn't something I have a lot of ppl to talk about with. Thanks!

[Sdee]

I hope you are not using the strategy that taking a poll here , then decide what to do with him.

 

Your gut feeling usually tells all...good luck.

 

 

Haha no, just wanted some insight from people who are in these types of situations. No one in my life understands why I started talking to him the first place. Guess you never think you will do some things till they happen.

[Pierre]

I hope you are not using the strategy that taking a poll here , then decide what to do with him.

 

Your gut feeling usually tells all...good luck.

 

The gut has no ability to reason. At most it is full of it.

[whichwayisup]

Obviously I have other options I guess it just comes down to not knowing why I would even consider it and not moving on. I just thought we had a connection like nothing I ever came close to having before. But it seems like no one thinks he should get a 2nd chance! Which is very helpful. This isn't something I have a lot of ppl to talk about with. Thanks!

 

Just because you have a connection with someone doesn't mean you have to have him!

 

He is a really messed up guy and he has cheated throughout his marriage and also hurt you. If you go back, you're begging to be hurt again!

 

Push your feelings away. listen to your gut even if it kills your heart. You KNOW this man is no good for you and you'll get hurt again if you go for him (again).

 

You're young and deserve a real shot at true respectful and healthy love - With a man who will love and adore ONLY you! A single guy who wants to be married to you, have children with you, build a life with you.

[Pierre]

Obviously I have other options I guess it just comes down to not knowing why I would even consider it and not moving on. I just thought we had a connection like nothing I ever came close to having before. But it seems like no one thinks he should get a 2nd chance! Which is very helpful. This isn't something I have a lot of ppl to talk about with. Thanks!

 

Cheaters and philanderer know how to make women feel special. They are smooth and charming. Furthermore, married men court single women with more dedication.

 

You are very naive and do not realize you are dealing with a narcissist who excels at manipulation. I am certain your mother told you to stay away from men like this when you were growing up. It seems you lack options. Why would a young single woman with no baggage pick a married drama queen.

 

I suggest IC. You needed to figure out why you aim do low.

[secretlady76]

Ignore what he says, it's what he does. So far he's lied and cheated with everyone.

 

I'll give you a good example of what my MM said and what he actually did;

 

"I love you"

"I want you in my life"

"I am getting a divorce"

"I've never felt like this about anyone else"

"I want you"

 

He told his wife he was in love with me and not her (fact)

 

What he actually did:

 

Went NC with me and working on the marriage.

 

Can you see? Action and words are totally different.

 

Can you trust him? NO

 

Should you walk away? YES

 

Then see what he does once his crutch has gone........

[aussietigerwolf]

Op

 

You cannot be this naive.

 

This man is flaky, a serial cheater, and lies to all women in his life. Are you out of options at age 27 with no children and prior baggage? I would understand if you were 45 with four kids.

 

even if I was 45 with 4 kids, I would not go near this guy...

[findingnemo]

3 years ago I got involved with a MM. Met through friends, immediate overwhelming attraction. He had cheated previously and explained he was very unhappy and was only staying with her because of their child and because he was "a coward" and felt guilty and didn't want to struggle with money. He says they have nothing in common and never should have married.

 

I never asked him to leave. It was a situation where we both were ok with how the situation was. I'm 27, never married. He's 33 and they have been married 7 years now. At the time I just didn't want a commitment and so this was I guess a safe choice knowing it could never go to the next level. I do feel guilty about my choices but I was completely in love with him and feel like we are perfect for each other if things were different.

 

2 years into it I decided I was ready to move on and start a relationship. He was upset but "just wanted me to be happy". Didn't speak for 1-2 months hardly and I started dating people. Then he called and said he can't live without me and he was leaving his wife. I told him I didn't want him to leave because of me. He then of course argued that he's doing it with or without me because he's so miserable. I told him we shouldn't talk for a month or 2 so he could really think about it. He was acting obessed. Paranoid that I was talking to other men, sending flowers to my work 2 days a week, was planning vacations and talking about how wonderful it would be. Telling me I'm the best thing that ever has happened to him. At that point I was thrilled and was happy as I've ever been. All my walls came down.

 

He filed, he moved out, sold their house, he went through hell with her and her family. Him and I started fighting after a month or 2 of him moving because he started pushing me away. He started acting soooo weird, and suddenly "couldn't promise me anything" after 3 months of being moved out. And then I found out he was speaking to her romantically behind my back. Lied to me about several things. And next thing I knew he was moving back in with her at her mom's house and pretty much left me on the curb like trash with no explantion, no sincere apology, nothing. I was devastated.

 

That was about 4 months ago. 1 month ago we started talking again casually. I couldn't tell you why. Today he told me he wants to leave again. Gave me 100 reasons why it's different this time. That he knows now he can't be happy with her and that this time he's going to come clean about having an affair which he didn't before. And that he once again is doing this with or without me. I found myself becoming almost angry. But he's "so sorry" he hurt me and I'm his soul mate and he even cries while talking about how he hurt me.

 

My gut is telling me to stop speaking to him and let him figure it out and he can come back when he's a single man. My family and friends are appalled that I am even considering giving him another chance. But my heart just wants to be with him and I don't know if I should trust him again. Is it dumb to forgive and try to start over? Should I refuse to stay involved until he's 100% divorced? I feel so torn. I've really missed him.

 

The problem with people who tell lies is that at some point they begin to believe them.

 

Your MM lied to his W during the A and during the separation. After he left his W (believing in whatever reason he gave her, probably making it her fault) did all sorts of things to work on their R. Meanwhile, you were comfortable knowing he was yours. Because he craves attention, love, adoration, he fell for what his W was giving him. What he forgot was that everything she was doing was based on a lie. Instead he chose to forget that and go with the flow and bask in a false R.

 

You certainly can't trust this man. He has put his W through hell, put you through hell. For what? his personal comfort. How? By maintaining the lies. Did he have to continue the lies when he had left her? Couldn't he have told her the truth about you? It would have hurt her but she would probably have let him go. It would have been evidence of how much he values you. Instead he wanted to have you both. He seems to think both of you are available to him any time. All he has to do is maintain the lies.

 

No you can't trust him. Nothing he said during the A, after the A, after the separation and when he went back is reliable. Some of it may be true but at this point he has clearly proved that he will look out for number one - himself. He needs to suffer the consequences of his actions. In an ideal world, he would lose you both.

[spiderowl]

"and pretty much left me on the curb like trash with no explantion, no sincere apology, nothing"

 

He did this before. A kind, decent guy would not treat anyone like this. Do you want a kind, decent guy, or a lying, serial cheater?