Debate with my husband

[Roweena]

My husband made a comment the other day about my hair, he said that I should grow it by a few inches to how it was before. A few months ago I had it cut rather short and I could tell straight away that he didn't like it, although at the time he didn't say anything. He said that a major part of why he was interested in me initially was the way I looked, and that if I start making changes without consulting him first it will lessen his attraction for me. He says that a woman's appearance is her number 1 asset, followed closely by her femininity.

 

We had a brief discussion about that, and since then we have had a few chats, and now it's kind of an ongoing debate between us.

 

We also discussed a few other things aswell, but I thought I'd start off with this particular subject.

 

Thoughts?

[will1988]

IMHO the woman's hair length doesn't matter as long as it looks good on her. For example, all of my hook ups and exes had long hair... one girl I dated for about half of a year had blonde straight hair almost down to her mid back and she looked great with it. While, my fiance has for the vast majority of our 4 year relationship, has had short hair. When I met her she had hair about ear lobe / top of the jaw length and it was dyed bright pink. That was a turn on to me, and something I've never had on a woman I've dated. It was new and refreshing. For the first year she dyed her hair every color of the rainbow. After that she started dying it more conservative / traditional colors and tried growin it out. Her natural hair color (which I've never seen... because she is a hair stylest and is always dying her hair different colors) is dark brown, almost black... she dyed it that color and grew her hair out. I actually felt like she looked better with her short hair. So did she. She cut it back to the top of jaw length and has kept it for a few years that way. So if the hair fits the woman I don't care if it is pixie cut or mid back long.

 

Now on the case of your husband, that fact he made those comments about how he was interested in you for your looks... IMHO is worse than him not liking your hair. To me it seems like he is looking for excuses to argue with you. Have you told him how you feel when he says things like that?

[Roweena]

I don't think he's looking for excuses to argue. I totally believe that he means what he says. I can't really argue with him because I too was into his looks, and it's one of the main reasons why I started seeing him.

[will1988]

I don't think he's looking for excuses to argue. I totally believe that he means what he says. I can't really argue with him because I too was into his looks, and it's one of the main reasons why I started seeing him.

 

And he is your husband now, right? Did personality and compatability play any part in your marriage?

 

I wouldn't sink to his leval and insult him on something that has changed with him since you got married. I would not get in the mud with pigs as they say.

 

However, tell him you two are married and hair grows back and he is being childish.

[Roweena]

Personality and compatibility did and still plays a part. But I don't know if he's being unreasonable. I like the way my hair is, but he obviously doesn't, and to be honest if he didn't look the way he does I wouldn't be as attracted to him, and I do think maintaining attraction is important. Him telling me to leave my hair to grow to how it was before might not be unreasonable at all.

[dichotomy]

My husband made a comment the other day about my hair, he said that I should grow it by a few inches to how it was before. A few months ago I had it cut rather short and I could tell straight away that he didn't like it, although at the time he didn't say anything. He said that a major part of why he was interested in me initially was the way I looked, and that if I start making changes without consulting him first it will lessen his attraction for me. He says that a woman's appearance is her number 1 asset, followed closely by her femininity.

 

We had a brief discussion about that, and since then we have had a few chats, and now it's kind of an ongoing debate between us.

 

We also discussed a few other things aswell, but I thought I'd start off with this particular subject.

 

Thoughts?

 

I don't have an issue with a general statement of what he finds attractive or not attractive in your appearance. Or even going the next step and saying (honestly) he might find you a little less attractive if you made major change to your hair. Example - my wife has said no beard for me, I tired it once, but I could tell she did not like kissing me.

 

But what I do have an issue with is the statement I bolded above. Thats horse crap.

Edited June 6, 2013 by dichotomy

[miss_jaclynrae]

When I was married my husband didn't have any say in how I did my hair. Looks were never number one just as they never were for me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What does he expect to happen when you both become old?

That would bug the eff out of me.

 

 

Not liking a haircut is one thing, but saying te rest is a whole different ball game.

[Roweena]

What does he expect to happen when you both become old?

That would bug the eff out of me.

 

I can't really say that to him because it is understood that as we get older we don't look as we did when we were younger. What he's talking about is making choices to change my appearance. Old age isn't a choice.

[pink_sugar]

I recently told my husband to grow his hair out a little more on top, because the same hairstyle constantly gets old. Yes, to some extent trying to do small things for your partner to keep the attraction between the two of you is very important.

[CarrieT]

What he's talking about is making choices to change my appearance. Old age isn't a choice.

 

Does he realize that this is the beginning of what you guys are talking about!?!?!

 

You are already OLDER than you were when you met and maintaining a certain style or look that you had when you met may no longer be age-appropriate.

 

What Dichotomy highlighted is what stuck out to me as well. Are you REALLY married to a man who only values you by how you look? Or that your looks are the BEST asset you bring to a marriage?

 

It is no wonder you guys are having a debate and I don't see this ending well. From what you have wrote, you are valued as a piece of meat and not as a partner. You haven't told us how old you two are or how long you have been married, but it sounds like you two are both young and that he is *very* immature. Shall I guess you guys haven't reached 30 yet?

[smoky eyes]

My ex and I spent a couple of years with me saying I wanted to cut my hair and him telling me not to, "women look better with long hair," and also having opinions about whether I should have bangs or not. I get it, I internalized it, and I didn't cut my hair.

 

I kind of think our partners have a right to state a preference... but it also depends on how much YOU like it. If you really really wanted a pixie cut, for example, and he is your husband and loves you, he should be able to put up with it while you go through that phase. Nothing wrong with expressing a preference but seriously wtf to saying looks are a woman's main asset. What, in his view, is a man's main asset?

[Roweena]

Does he realize that this is the beginning of what you guys are talking about!?!?!

 

You are already OLDER than you were when you met and maintaining a certain style or look that you had when you met may no longer be age-appropriate.

 

What Dichotomy highlighted is what stuck out to me as well. Are you REALLY married to a man who only values you by how you look? Or that your looks are the BEST asset you bring to a marriage?

 

It is no wonder you guys are having a debate and I don't see this ending well. From what you have wrote, you are valued as a piece of meat and not as a partner. You haven't told us how old you two are or how long you have been married, but it sounds like you two are both young and that he is *very* immature. Shall I guess you guys haven't reached 30 yet?

 

Just to clarify, me having long hair would be age-appropriate. It would be fine, I'm not that old.

 

I never said that he values me only for my looks. What I said was that my looks formed a major part of his initial attraction to me, and it goes both ways. Maintaining attraction is very important, that seems reasonable to me.

 

I don't quite understand why you say that he is immature for wanting me to look my best for him, when I too want him to look his best for me. It's not a question of maturity.

[Roweena]

I think your hubby is being rather shallow. My intellect and values are profoundly more important than my looks. Physical beauty fades, what's his contingency plan for baldness or erectile dysfunction?

 

He says that a woman's looks are extremely important, and I can't argue with that. Regardless of how I look, I always take pride in my appearance as most of us women do.

[serial muse]

My husband made a comment the other day about my hair, he said that I should grow it by a few inches to how it was before. A few months ago I had it cut rather short and I could tell straight away that he didn't like it, although at the time he didn't say anything. He said that a major part of why he was interested in me initially was the way I looked, and that if I start making changes without consulting him first it will lessen his attraction for me. He says that a woman's appearance is her number 1 asset, followed closely by her femininity.

 

Um, I find the bolded horrifying too, but as long as you guys are on the same page about it - you mentioned you chose him on the basis of looks, too - then I guess it's your relationship and your call. So, as long as you feel that he will also alter his appearance to suit you, then I guess whatever, that's the agreement you entered into, so I suppose he has a point. Honestly, I don't really understand this and wouldn't want to live this way, but it's your life.

 

I do wonder if you would agree to the parallel: that a man's appearance is his number one asset.

 

Eh, I don't know, it's hard to muster up much indignity here if you're together for equally shallow reasons. *shrug*

[pteromom]

I never said that he values me only for my looks. What I said was that my looks formed a major part of his initial attraction to me, and it goes both ways. Maintaining attraction is very important, that seems reasonable to me.

 

If it seems reasonable to you, and if you would feel the same way if he changed his looks, then come to a compromise... maybe there's a new style you'd be willing to try that is a little longer.

 

Although I think it would be really boring to have to keep your hair long for the rest of your life just to keep your hubby happy. Playing with different hair styles/colors is so much fun.

 

Plus, I do worry about the underlying implications. What if you had cancer and went through chemo and lost all your hair? What if when it grew back, it was a different texture and no longer looked good long? Would he leave? Would he refuse to touch you?

 

Yeah, looks matter. But I think focusing on something as arbitrary and changeable as hair length is kinda silly.

[pteromom]

He says that a woman's looks are extremely important, and I can't argue with that.

 

Maybe not, but there will come a time when it is largely out of your control. I just hope he is still attracted to you when you get saggy and flabby (which happens even if you keep yourself in shape.)

[Roweena]

Um, I find the bolded horrifying too, but as long as you guys are on the same page about it - you mentioned you chose him on the basis of looks, too - then I guess it's your relationship and your call. So, as long as you feel that he will also alter his appearance to suit you, then I guess whatever, that's the agreement you entered into, so I suppose he has a point. Honestly, I don't really understand this and wouldn't want to live this way, but it's your life.

 

I do wonder if you would agree to the parallel: that a man's appearance is his number one asset.

 

Eh, I don't know, it's hard to muster up much indignity here if you're together for equally shallow reasons. *shrug*

 

Personally, a man's looks are quite important but other qualities are a bit more important. I don't see why a man would have the same criteria as us, and I suppose it makes sense for a man to want to be with a woman that he finds appealing.

[serial muse]

Personally, a man's looks are quite important but other qualities are a bit more important. I don't see why a man would have the same criteria as us, and I suppose it makes sense for a man to want to be with a woman that he finds appealing.

 

Really? You don't see why a person's character should be his/her most important asset, regardless of gender?

 

Well, OK - like I said, I think the most important thing is that you and your husband are on the same page about it.

[Roweena]

Maybe not, but there will come a time when it is largely out of your control. I just hope he is still attracted to you when you get saggy and flabby (which happens even if you keep yourself in shape.)

 

Yes ok but we're obviously not talking about anything other than me growing my hair. It's easy to do, practically effortless. He's asking me to do something that is easily doable. He has also mentioned that he would like me to work out a bit aswell, and I suppose that makes sense if it pleases him. He does so much for me and I don't think it's too much to ask.

[Roweena]

Really? You don't see why a person's character should be his/her most important asset, regardless of gender?

 

Well, OK - like I said, I think the most important thing is that you and your husband are on the same page about it.

 

We're talking about attraction. Yes those other things are important but the issue here is attraction.

[serial muse]

He does so much for me and I don't think it's too much to ask.

 

OK, gotta ask. What exactly does he do for you? Things he does for himself don't count - I'm asking about things that he wouldn't want to do but does to please you, specifically. (i.e. cutting your hair/letting it grow out)

[pteromom]

Yes ok but we're obviously not talking about anything other than me growing my hair. It's easy to do, practically effortless. He's asking me to do something that is easily doable. He has also mentioned that he would like me to work out a bit aswell, and I suppose that makes sense if it pleases him. He does so much for me and I don't think it's too much to ask.

 

OK... if you think it isn't too much to ask, and that it is no big deal, and that it's easy to do, then why the debate? And why ask us what we think? If it makes sense to you, then just grow your hair out and be happy.

[serial muse]

We're talking about attraction. Yes those other things are important but the issue here is attraction.

 

He said "a woman's appearance is her number 1 asset". Yeah. That's not really ambiguous.

[Roweena]

OK, gotta ask. What exactly does he do for you? Things he does for himself don't count - I'm asking about things that he wouldn't want to do but does to please you, specifically. (i.e. cutting your hair/letting it grow out)

 

He contributes towards the household far more than me, he takes me out often, he takes days off work if I'm sick to look after me, he helps me look after my disabled brother, he does his fair share of household chores, lots of things.

 

As you can see he does a lot. It wouldn't be very nice of me to let myself go in the looks department.

[Roweena]

He said "a woman's appearance is her number 1 asset". Yeah. That's not really ambiguous.

 

How do you mean?