Debate with my husband

[2sunny]

There's nothing mean about wanting your wife to look as nice as she can. What would be mean is me letting myself go and then blaming him when he isn't attracted to me any more.

 

If YOU like it short - wear it short. If YOU like it long - wear it long.

 

If he married you for your hair or your looks - your M is in for some rocky times once you start getting older together.

 

Expect to betray yourself a lot through the years - if he's that superficial and you intend to reward his bad behavior.

 

Did your vows include " I only intend to be attracted to my wife if she looks the way I prefer"?

[miss_jaclynrae]

We're not talking about that. We're talking about him not wanting me to let myself go. All he wants is for me to make reasonable efforts to look as good as I possibly can.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wait... So changing your look is considered letting yourself go?!

Oh gosh, I let myself go more and more every few months.

[Roweena]

Years ago I went out with a guy who at first dressed very well, and made a lot of effort. But not long after we got together, he definitely let himself go. Eventually it contributed to us breaking up. There were other factors too, but I did not appreciate the fact that he didn't see the need to maintain his way of dressing. The things that attracted me to him in the first place, and made me interested in him and curious to get to know his personality, were gone. I can only imagine how much more of a difference that would make to a man. Men are more visual than women. Looks do matter.

 

My husband is a fabulous dresser. I rarely see him looking anything less than his best. I'm very attracted to him, and I appreciate the effort that he goes to. He even wears stuff that he says is not quite his style but he knows that I like it, so he is prepared to make that compromise.

 

So to say that he is controlling or misogynist just because he expects me to make the same effort, is simply ridiculous.

 

It's not just about what the individual wants. When you're with someone, you have to give and take. Let's be honest, when women dress up, it's not to please themselves, it's to get attention from men. That's what we really mean when we say that we do it for ourselves. The truth is that we like being looked at, so in actual fact it's for our self esteem. My husband is asking me to grow my hair because it pleases him, and pleasing him pleases me. All wives and girlfriends should consider it a priority to please the other person.

 

Attraction is what initially brings people together, and when either party doesn't make an effort, it creates a bad impression and it makes the other person feel like they're not worth pleasing anymore.

 

People generally make an effort to look smart when going to a job interview. I consider my marriage and the happiness of my husband to be infinitely more important in my life than a job interview, because jobs can come and go, but a spouse is supposed to be for life. You have to work at it, you have to maintain the spark as much as it's possible to do so.

[2sunny]

Why? They weren't directed towards you.

 

 

 

 

 

Ridiculous. Do women apply make-up and jewelry (beauty enhancers) internally where it can't be seen, or externally, where it can?

 

 

-

 

Who purchases most make up, men or women?

 

 

 

 

 

 

What you look like IS "the person that you are"--to a very large extent.

 

 

 

 

 

It's sad that some people want to inflict their own hang-ups and insecurities on others...

 

 

 

 

 

He wasn't being mean. Unless you believe that having an opinion is being mean?

 

You must be her husband...

[Roweena]

2sunny, I think that was uncalled for. Let's not get personal, please.

[2sunny]

Years ago I went out with a guy who at first dressed very well, and made a lot of effort. But not long after we got together, he definitely let himself go. Eventually it contributed to us breaking up. There were other factors too, but I did not appreciate the fact that he didn't see the need to maintain his way of dressing. The things that attracted me to him in the first place, and made me interested in him and curious to get to know his personality, were gone. I can only imagine how much more of a difference that would make to a man. Men are more visual than women. Looks do matter.

 

My husband is a fabulous dresser. I rarely see him looking anything less than his best. I'm very attracted to him, and I appreciate the effort that he goes to. He even wears stuff that he says is not quite his style but he knows that I like it, so he is prepared to make that compromise.

 

So to say that he is controlling or misogynist just because he expects me to make the same effort, is simply ridiculous.

 

It's not just about what the individual wants. When you're with someone, you have to give and take. Let's be honest, when women dress up, it's not to please themselves, it's to get attention from men. That's what we really mean when we say that we do it for ourselves. The truth is that we like being looked at, so in actual fact it's for our self esteem. My husband is asking me to grow my hair because it pleases him, and pleasing him pleases me. All wives and girlfriends should consider it a priority to please the other person.

 

Attraction is what initially brings people together, and when either party doesn't make an effort, it creates a bad impression and it makes the other person feel like they're not worth pleasing anymore.

 

People generally make an effort to look smart when going to a job interview. I consider my marriage and the happiness of my husband to be infinitely more important in my life than a job interview, because jobs can come and go, but a spouse is supposed to be for life. You have to work at it, you have to maintain the spark as much as it's possible to do so.

 

It's not difficult for me to look amazing - if the man I was with criticized me for the way I looked - you bet I'd be pissed. I like me.

 

You two are a good match... You value looks a lot.

 

I don't care if my guy was considered by others as ugly - it's his brain and his heart and how nice he is that makes him attractive to me.

 

Obviously, we differ.

 

Uncalled for? I thought maybe it was your hubby...?

[Roweena]

It's not difficult for me to look amazing - if he man I was with criticized me for the way I looked - you bet I'd be pissed. I like me.

 

You two are a good match... You value looks a lot.

 

I don't care if my guy was considered by others as ugly - it's his brain and his heart and how nice he is that makes him attractive to me.

 

Obviously, we differ.

 

Actually what he values, and what I value, is knowing that the other person thinks highly enough of us to make an effort. Would you turn up at your parent's house for dinner looking like you crawled out of bed? Wouldn't you want to be presentable? What about a job interview? If you showed up with your hair all over the place, do you think the interviewer would see you as someone who really wants the job?

[miss_jaclynrae]

I'll just say this,My ex husband loved me for who I was, my boyfriend loves me for who I am.

 

 

I will never be with a man who puts so much emphasis on my looks. Sure, I love to look good, but that's for ME. I will take my mans opinion and keep him in mind, but ultimately I'll do what I want to do with my own body. If a man EVER tells me he wouldn't find me attractive if I change something about myself willingly, I would drop him like that. I would never tell the person I love that that I won't find them attractive if they change something. My man is ALWAYS sexy to me, because he is an amazing man. He could say he wants to wear uggs and grow a scraggly beard and I would still love the **** out of him.

 

 

 

 

Maybe make fun of him a bit, but it would never change my attraction.

Course, I love people for who they are, and my attraction is based on who a person is, not solely on how they look.

[2sunny]

Actually what he values, and what I value, is knowing that the other person thinks highly enough of us to make an effort. Would you turn up at your parent's house for dinner looking like you crawled out of bed? Wouldn't you want to be presentable? What about a job interview? If you showed up with your hair all over the place, do you think the interviewer would see you as someone who really wants the job?

 

I look amazing with little effort...and I'm old!

 

I've always looked good - but that's for ME! I don't care what others think about me.

[Roweena]

I'll just say this,My ex husband loved me for who I was, my boyfriend loves me for who I am.

 

 

I will never be with a man who puts so much emphasis on my looks. Sure, I love to look good, but that's for ME. I will take my mans opinion and keep him in mind, but ultimately I'll do what I want to do with my own body. If a man EVER tells me he wouldn't find me attractive if I change something about myself willingly, I would drop him like that. I would never tell the person I love that that I won't find them attractive if they change something. My man is ALWAYS sexy to me, because he is an amazing man. He could say he wants to wear uggs and grow a scraggly beard and I would still love the **** out of him.

 

Maybe make fun of him a bit, but it would never change my attraction.

Course, I love people for who they are, and my attraction is based on who a person is, not solely on how they look.

 

Why would you keep his opinion in mind?

[miss_jaclynrae]

Actually what he values, and what I value, is knowing that the other person thinks highly enough of us to make an effort. Would you turn up at your parent's house for dinner looking like you crawled out of bed? Wouldn't you want to be presentable? What about a job interview? If you showed up with your hair all over the place, do you think the interviewer would see you as someone who really wants the job?

 

 

 

Do you have kids? I can't wait to see how you handle things then.

 

 

 

 

Making an effort is great, when the occasion arises, but your partner in life sees you every way possible, you make me so happy I am with someone who thinks I'm beautiful whether all dressed up or in sweats just waking up.

[Roweena]

I look amazing with little effort...and I'm old!

 

I've always looked good - but that's for ME! I don't care what others think about me.

 

I'm sure you'd make yourself presentable for a job interview. What I'm saying is that my marriage is of the utmost importance to me. If you showed up to a job interview looking like you just woke up, the interviewer would not believe that you really want the job.

[miss_jaclynrae]

Why would you keep his opinion in mind?

 

 

 

It's called consideration. That doesn't mean I wouldn't do it if it was something I felt I truly wanted to do. My guy likes my hair long too, but you can bet your bottom dollar he wouldn't ever say he will lose attraction to me if I cut it. If I want to cut it I will.

 

 

 

 

It's hair. I can't believe he said that about your hair.

It's sickening really, and so superficial.

[Roweena]

Do you have kids? I can't wait to see how you handle things then.

 

 

 

 

Making an effort is great, when the occasion arises, but your partner in life sees you every way possible, you make me so happy I am with someone who thinks I'm beautiful whether all dressed up or in sweats just waking up.

 

Yes he sees me in every possible way. That's no excuse however for me to let myself go. You wouldn't turn up at a job interview without looking like you really want the job, likewise, it makes sense to show the other person in a marriage that you care enough about them to make an effort. Otherwise they'll feel like you just don't care.

[miss_jaclynrae]

I'm sure you'd make yourself presentable for a job interview. What I'm saying is that my marriage is of the utmost importance to me. If you showed up to a job interview looking like you just woke up, the interviewer would not believe that you really want the job.

 

 

 

So when you wake up looking like crap does your husband think you don't really want to be married?

Horrible comparison.

[miss_jaclynrae]

Yes he sees me in every possible way. That's no excuse however for me to let myself go. You wouldn't turn up at a job interview without looking like you really want the job, likewise, it makes sense to show the other person in a marriage that you care enough about them to make an effort. Otherwise they'll feel like you just don't care.

 

 

 

 

 

You are really holding on to that job interview analogy.

 

 

You are not making sense.

I'll ask again, so cutting your hair is considered letting yourself go?

[Roweena]

When I wake up in the morning, my husband has no problem with how I look, no. Cutting my hair isn't the issue, the issue is me making an effort to please him with my appearance, just as he does for me. He dresses very nicely for me, because he likes to look good for me, and I don't think it would be very nice of me to repay him by saying "stuff you, I don't care if you like how I look or not". Marriage is about give and take.

[Woggle]

Wouldn't be my kind of marriage but it seems like you two are a good match.

[miss_jaclynrae]

When I wake up in the morning, my husband has no problem with how I look, no. Cutting my hair isn't the issue, the issue is me making an effort to please him with my appearance, just as he does for me. He dresses very nicely for me, because he likes to look good for me, and I don't think it would be very nice of me to repay him by saying "stuff you, I don't care if you like how I look or not". Marriage is about give and take.

 

 

 

 

 

My problem isn't even do much with the give and take. Saying "oh honey I really liked your long hair, I would love it if you grew it out!"

 

 

And saying

"you should grow out your hair otherwise i wont be attracted to you."

 

 

Are two completely different approaches. One is Conveying a preference an the other is just being a jerk.

That is the huge problem, but you obviously are perfect for each other.

[Roweena]

When he said it, he did in fact say that he liked my long hair, and that he would love it if I grew it again. But he also stated something which is very true, which is that it's important to maintain attraction long term, as much as it's possible to do so, within reason (also taking into account old age).

 

If he let himself go, or if he changed his appearance in such a way as to make him less physically appealing to me, it would make a difference, and so for him to ask me to maintain my standards for him too is not unreasonable at all.

 

People in general don't like to talk about it but it's true that when one person or both stops making an effort to please, it does contribute to breakups, because no one likes to feel that they're not worth looking nice for.

[2sunny]

Yes he sees me in every possible way. That's no excuse however for me to let myself go. You wouldn't turn up at a job interview without looking like you really want the job, likewise, it makes sense to show the other person in a marriage that you care enough about them to make an effort. Otherwise they'll feel like you just don't care.

 

You seem hyper concerned with looks - and the possibility of "letting yourself go"...

 

You may want to explore why you focus so much on that.

 

If its important to you (what others think of you - instead of how YOU think and feel about yourself) - it makes life difficult to be authentically happy.

 

 

Yes, I dress nice - and appropriate for each occasion - but that's not really what were talking about here.

 

Your H expressed he didn't like your hair (when YOU stated YOU liked it) and now you're considering changing that to please him.

 

He should love you for you - not for how your hair looks...

 

What happens if you have cancer and need chemo? You'll loose ALL your hair! Will he love you THAT way?

 

I'm serious! I have friends in this position! The great husbands love them bald!

 

Placing so much importance on superficial things usually shows some unhappiness on the inside.

[2sunny]

When he said it, he did in fact say that he liked my long hair, and that he would love it if I grew it again. But he also stated something which is very true, which is that it's important to maintain attraction long term, as much as it's possible to do so, within reason (also taking into account old age).

 

If he let himself go, or if he changed his appearance in such a way as to make him less physically appealing to me, it would make a difference, and so for him to ask me to maintain my standards for him too is not unreasonable at all.

 

People in general don't like to talk about it but it's true that when one person or both stops making an effort to please, it does contribute to breakups, because no one likes to feel that they're not worth looking nice for.

 

Lets see how nice you look while you're pregnant - or 70 years old.

 

Your perspective is very short sighted...

[Roweena]

You seem hyper concerned with looks - and the possibility of "letting yourself go"...

 

You may want to explore why you focus so much on that.

 

If its important to you (what others think of you - instead of how YOU think and feel about yourself) - it makes life difficult to be authentically happy.

 

 

Yes, I dress nice - and appropriate for each occasion - but that's not really what were talking about here.

 

Your H expressed he didn't like your hair (when YOU stated YOU liked it) and now you're considering changing that to please him.

 

He should love you for you - not for how your hair looks...

 

What happens if you have cancer and need chemo? You'll loose ALL your hair! Will he love you THAT way?

 

I'm serious! I have friends in this position! The great husbands love them bald!

 

Placing so much importance on superficial things usually shows some unhappiness on the inside.

 

All of us are talking about looks because that's what the thread is about.

 

Of course I'm going to grow my hair to please him. What in the world is wrong with wanting to please your husband in that way? He does love me for me, but the way I look matters. If I lose my hair, get old or pregnant he will be fine with that, that's not what this is about. The way I feel about myself is partly dependent on the happiness that exists in my marriage. Giving creates happiness just as much as receiving, if not more so. I don't see why so many people in the west have such hangups about doing something for the other person in a marriage. It's very sad to see.

[2sunny]

In the west? Now you're blaming this on an area? No can do - I disagree with that.

 

Let me ask you something - when your husband voiced his opinion - how did it make you feel ... Deep down in your gut how did you feel?

[Roweena]

In the west? Now you're blaming this on an area? No can do - I disagree with that.

 

Let me ask you something - when your husband voiced his opinion - how did it make you feel ... Deep down in your gut how did you feel?

 

I felt that he was being reasonable. And I felt the need to please him by not cutting my hair again for a long time. Sorry if that's not what you were expecting me to feel deep deep down. Some women like to please their husbands or boyfriends. It's a shame that there's a trend in certain parts of the world for women to think they can look less than their best and then complain when their husbands don't find them as attractive. I personally see it as a sign of disrespect and disregard to take someone for granted like that. It's like they don't even care, it's all me me me, and that's not right.