Debate with my husband

[Els]

In terms of initial attraction, a woman's looks most certainly are her main asset, followed very closely by her femininity.

 

Mm, yawn.

 

Given that you are so convinced about this, why the 'debate' with your 'husband'? You both seem to have 100% identical points of view, so, there should be no debate at all! Last I checked, you need different points of view to start a debate. Like this thread.

 

Also, why did you cut your hair then? It must have been pretty stupid to knowingly throw your 'greatest asset' down the drain, dontcha think?

[secretlady76]

Men tend to be visual creatures. They like the look of a beautiful woman. It is what gets them attracted to you in the first place.

 

Women can become attracted to men because of their personality as opposed to looks, as can men, but generally men don't tend to chat up someone unless they find them attractive.

 

Men will date the best looking woman they can attract.

 

I think it is important to keep looking good for YOURSELF and for your other half. Both men and women should try and look as good as they can.

 

My husband does occasionally say 'Oh, you looks really nice in xxxx' but he never comments on my hair or wieght unless I specifically ask him as he knows that mentionning something like that is bound to get me going off in a huff.

 

I have said to him on occasion that he looks good in something and once mentionned that he had got a little 'heavy' but that was because I felt that I was trying to look good all the time and he wasn't even bothering.

 

But as you say, personality, passion, friendship, kindness and loyalty is what keeps you together and what lasts. Looks fade, yes, but you can still make the most of whatever you have.

 

Just my thoughts.

[serial muse]

And if you want to maintain the spark throughout a marriage, you have to provide each other with what caused the attraction in the first pace, at least as much as you reasonably can. People get divorced over stuff like this, you should know that, it happens every day.

 

AGAIN with this. Just stop, I already explained why this is a strawman. NOBODY is saying that people shouldn't try to look good when they're married. You are repeatedly arguing this point with exactly nobody.

[pteromom]

Given that you are so convinced about this, why the 'debate' with your 'husband'? You both seem to have 100% identical points of view, so, there should be no debate at all! Last I checked, you need different points of view to start a debate. Like this thread.

 

This is what I am wondering too...

 

OP started a thread saying she was DEBATING her husband. Then when people shared their points of view, she just argued her husband's side.

 

But then she said "Because it's an ongoing debate about various things. For example, he's a christian and he often says, as it says in the bible, that the man is the head of the woman. He's very patriarchical, and I must admit that the way he interacts with me not only turns me on a lot, it actually feels right somehow, like that's the way it's supposed to be."

 

SO AGAIN, she said there was an ongoing "debate" in her marriage, but then argued his side.

 

After re-reading the thread, I think the poster who said this is the husband pretending to be the wife may be on to something.

 

If not, then OP... do what feels right to you. If you are happy with keeping your hair the way your husband likes it, and your husband being the head of the household, you certainly don't need OUR approval to life your life the way you want. But I don't understand why you'd even start a thread if that's the case.

[2sunny]

Too many generalizations from you!

 

If you were correct - all the ugly people in the world would be single - but they are not!

 

Attraction goes way beyond looks - read the OW/OM section - a lot of attraction is based on other things.

[2sunny]

You're just stating evidence that you two are together for reasons that are BASED on appearance - that very shallow minded - life is much more than THAT!

[LittleTiger]

In terms of initial attraction, a woman's looks most certainly are her main asset, followed very closely by her femininity. Why do you think we spend so much money on makeup and clothes compared to men? I really don't understand why you continue to deny the obvious.

 

I think some of you are getting confused between initial attraction (which should be maintained) and overall qualities. My husband has never said to me that the only positive thing about women is their looks. What he said was that in terms of initial attraction, looks are number 1. Hence the makeup industry.

 

And if you want to maintain the spark throughout a marriage, you have to provide each other with what caused the attraction in the first pace, at least as much as you reasonably can. People get divorced over stuff like this, you should know that, it happens every day.

 

Well this is a new take on the 'looks' debate - although I don't see much of a debate concerning your hair!

 

So you think 'looks' are what attracts a man to a women (and vice versa) in every case do you? I beg to differ.

 

I very rarely wear make up and I can't remember the last time I bought any. I spend next to nothing on clothes because I prefer to wear jeans or sporty outfits and, although I get my hair done for special occasions, most of the time it is dishevelled or tied back in a pony tail........and my guy (who is seriously hot himself) thinks I'm hot as h*ll!

 

You could say that I was probably dolled up and took care how I looked in the beginning but you'd be wrong. We got to know each other over a two month period on the internet. During all that time, he didn't know what I looked like. He never saw a close up of my body or any photos of my face until the day we met in real life.

 

However, when we talked on the phone or on Skype (no video) he would get an erection almost every time I laughed. In fact, we could be talking via messenger and if I posted a happy smilie he would get excited by that too - this was just ordinary, non-sexual conversations. Which tells me that, beyond a shadow of a doubt, he was initially attracted to my personality. He had to be - he had nothing else to go on.

 

We keep the spark alive by sharing our 'authentic selves' and, as long as he continues to get excited when he sees or hears me laugh, I know I've got nothing to worry about - even when my looks start to fade.

[Roweena]

Men tend to be visual creatures. They like the look of a beautiful woman. It is what gets them attracted to you in the first place.

 

Women can become attracted to men because of their personality as opposed to looks, as can men, but generally men don't tend to chat up someone unless they find them attractive.

 

Men will date the best looking woman they can attract.

 

I think it is important to keep looking good for YOURSELF and for your other half. Both men and women should try and look as good as they can.

 

My husband does occasionally say 'Oh, you looks really nice in xxxx' but he never comments on my hair or wieght unless I specifically ask him as he knows that mentionning something like that is bound to get me going off in a huff.

 

I have said to him on occasion that he looks good in something and once mentionned that he had got a little 'heavy' but that was because I felt that I was trying to look good all the time and he wasn't even bothering.

 

But as you say, personality, passion, friendship, kindness and loyalty is what keeps you together and what lasts. Looks fade, yes, but you can still make the most of whatever you have.

 

Just my thoughts.

 

Everything you say is correct, and it's exactly what I'm saying aswell. I think the problem really is that there are too many feminists on this forum, and feminists don't like women who are happy in their marriages.

[CarrieT]

I think the problem really is that there are too many feminists on this forum, and feminists don't like women who are happy in their marriages.

 

That is a pretty rude statement -- and incorrect. Why do you assume it is "feminists" who have been challenging your beliefs? There have been plenty of men who have challenged you as well.

 

And no one is debating that you aren't happy in your marriage. We are challenging the basis upon which you have based your marriage which seemed - from your early posts - to be entirely superficial.

[miss_jaclynrae]

Everything you say is correct, and it's exactly what I'm saying aswell. I think the problem really is that there are too many feminists on this forum, and feminists don't like women who are happy in their marriages.

Totally agree with Carrie.

 

 

 

 

 

I hope you actually are happy OP. I would never be in such a relationship but if it works for you fine. I'm afraid that you are just trying to protect your husband and that is why you are saying such ridiculous things.

 

 

It's normal to defend your husband,just don't turn to blatantly ignorant statements in the process.

[sweetjasmine]

Everything you say is correct, and it's exactly what I'm saying aswell. I think the problem really is that there are too many feminists on this forum, and feminists don't like women who are happy in their marriages.

 

So if I'm a feminist who is happy in her marriage, does that mean I hate myself?

[2sunny]

Just go the fake route like a lot of other women - and attach hair extensions to your head - all for the sake of 'making your man happy'.

 

Problem solved - at least until he finds the next thing to criticize you for.

[Roweena]

Totally agree with Carrie.

 

 

 

 

 

I hope you actually are happy OP. I would never be in such a relationship but if it works for you fine. I'm afraid that you are just trying to protect your husband and that is why you are saying such ridiculous things.

 

 

It's normal to defend your husband,just don't turn to blatantly ignorant statements in the process.

 

Yes sweetie, I'm just trying to protect my nasty husband. If more western women treated their men right and took marriage seriously you wouldn't have such ridiculous divorce rates.

[Roweena]

So if I'm a feminist who is happy in her marriage, does that mean I hate myself?

 

You probably do. No woman who wants to be a man could possibly love herself as a woman.

[serial muse]

You probably do. No woman who wants to be a man could possibly love herself as a woman.

 

What about a man posing as a woman? Does he love himself as a man?

[Els]

 

After re-reading the thread, I think the poster who said this is the husband pretending to be the wife may be on to something.

 

While I love your post, I must absolutely 'debate' this point; I don't think the guy who wrote this is likely to be a husband at all!

[Janesays]

OP is a thirteen year old little boy with Mommy issues. Believe it.

[Woggle]

While my mother literally did hate happily married women or thought they were lying to themselves I don't think most feminists feel that way. It is just a minority of bitter people who seem to love breaking up relationships.

[sweetjasmine]

You probably do. No woman who wants to be a man could possibly love herself as a woman.

 

What if I love myself as a man and he loves himself as a woman? I mean, it all cancels out, yeah?

[Roweena]

Btw Misandry has NOTHING to do with having a sexual preference. But it has EVERYTHING to do with dehumanizing women by reducing their value to mere sexual object.

 

A guy who likes long hair isn't a misandrist. A guy who claims a woman's value is in only how sexually attractive he finds them IS a misogynist. He is quite literally basing the value of a human life on how much she makes his c*ck hard and THAT is utter sexism.

 

You need to relax and get off your high horse sweetie. No one here has said that a attractiveness is the only or the most important aspect of a woman's value. What I said was that a woman's looks and femininity are the number 1 things relating to a woman's initial attractiveness.

 

Do you know the difference between overall value as a person, and initial attractiveness? I don't think you do. Therefore you are not qualified to take part in this discussion. So get off your feminist high horse and learn to listen to the difference between one thing and another. Stop putting words into my mouth and listen to what you're being told.

 

Attractiveness is not the same as overall value. You got that? Stop deliberately confusing the two.

[LittleTiger]

My husband ....... says that a woman's appearance is her number 1 asset, followed closely by her femininity.

 

No one here has said that a attractiveness is the only or the most important aspect of a woman's value. What I said was that a woman's looks and femininity are the number 1 things relating to a woman's initial attractiveness.

 

You might not have said it but your husband certainly did!

 

Definition of asset

 

Noun

1. A useful or valuable thing, person, or quality:

 

"his ability to keep others calm in a stressful situation was his chief asset".

 

"her looks were her chief asset"!!!

 

 

I notice you didn't respond to my post giving cast iron proof that looks are not the number one asset when it comes to initial attractiveness - at least for those of us who are less shallow!

[dreamingoftigers]

My husband made a comment the other day about my hair, he said that I should grow it by a few inches to how it was before. A few months ago I had it cut rather short and I could tell straight away that he didn't like it, although at the time he didn't say anything. He said that a major part of why he was interested in me initially was the way I looked, and that if I start making changes without consulting him first it will lessen his attraction for me. He says that a woman's appearance is her number 1 asset, followed closely by her femininity.

 

We had a brief discussion about that, and since then we have had a few chats, and now it's kind of an ongoing debate between us.

 

We also discussed a few other things aswell, but I thought I'd start off with this particular subject.

 

Thoughts?

 

Actually what your OP says is different than what you are saying now.

You are saying that he claims a woman's #1 asset is her looks followed by her femininity.

 

Asset: Anything tangible or intangible that is capable of being owned or controlled to produce value and that is held to have positive value is considered an asset. Simply stated, assets represent value of ownership that can be

converted into cash (although cash itself is also considered an asset)

 

In other words: part of her worth. And in directly in context: her looks followed by her femininity are the largest factors in calculating her perceived worth.

And in your case, you would be reducing your assets (in his perception) by making alterations to your appearance without checking with him. Hence, his attraction for you would dull.

 

I saw the original post the day it came up and thought, oh man this will probably be a hoarde of bashers on here in ten seconds flat. So I didn't bother at the time.

Thought I'd pop in and see if it was a bashing thread by now and saw your post, OP. Knocking the stuffing out of AT's post.....supposedly.

 

Then when I reread what you wrote... Well, goodness, that's what you wrote!

 

And after that last sentence I just read your whole thread where everyone thought you should do what you want with your hair and that keeping your partner's opinion in mind was a good thing.

 

However, his emphasis on looks among his other myriad opinions of women and their capabilities and value to him: sucks.

 

And here you are being very very rude to the people who thoughtfully posted in on your thread about their opinions and concerns.

 

Rude and/or inaccurate about:

 

The west

Bible

Feminism

 

Best of luck. I think that maritally you are in for a rather rough ride.

[dreamingoftigers]

You might not have said it but your husband certainly did!

 

Definition of asset

 

Noun

1. A useful or valuable thing, person, or quality:

 

"his ability to keep others calm in a stressful situation was his chief asset".

 

"her looks were her chief asset"!!!

 

 

I notice you didn't respond to my post giving cast iron proof that looks are not the number one asset when it comes to initial attractiveness - at least for those of us who are less shallow!

 

Crap Little Tiger, you beat me to it!

[dreamingoftigers]

Well my husband says that if it were not for looks, men would not have much reason to be attracted to women, whereas that would not apply so much the other way round. That is why he says that a woman's looks and femininity are her number 1 assets. It may not be politically correct but when I think about it, I don't have anything to say. I think that's absolutely correct.

 

Let's not forget this gem.

[Els]

You need to relax and get off your high horse sweetie. No one here has said that a attractiveness is the only or the most important aspect of a woman's value. What I said was that a woman's looks and femininity are the number 1 things relating to a woman's initial attractiveness.

 

Do you know the difference between overall value as a person, and initial attractiveness? I don't think you do. Therefore you are not qualified to take part in this discussion. So get off your feminist high horse and learn to listen to the difference between one thing and another. Stop putting words into my mouth and listen to what you're being told.

 

Attractiveness is not the same as overall value. You got that? Stop deliberately confusing the two.

 

Hey, 'sweetie'.

 

Care to answer my question about why you supposedly got your #1 asset chopped off?

 

I mean, I know intellect isn't your #1 strength, or even your #2 strength, for the matter (that's femininity, right? Which you also seemed to have chopped off, unfortunately. ), but it goes well below hamster-IQ to knowingly throw away what you so firmly believe to be your strongest asset. Even hamsters keep the best nuts close by, yeah?

 

So, what gives?