imperfectangel Posted June 6, 2013 Share Posted June 6, 2013 I ended it and we have been nc completely since February but these past few days I've been missing him so much.... Thing is I've been trying to work out what it is that I actually miss! That last year was not great and he can't really contact me anymore (too risky) and we never really saw each other I think maybe its just starting to dawn on me that I really might not ever see/hear from him again and I think that's what's scaring me I don't want the affair to start again but I still want him in my life in some way. I don't think with me and him that is possible or even wise we have no reason to stay in touch - no mutual friends, we didnt work together etc I suppose I'm just venting has anyone else ever felt like this? Is it a natural part of nc? Link to post Share on other sites
findingnemo Posted June 6, 2013 Share Posted June 6, 2013 The only time I attempted and succeeded at NC, it lasted for a year and a half. During that time, I felt like I had lost a huge part of myself. All sorts of things triggered thoughts of him and my dream world was crazy. I think it is normal during NC. Something must have triggered your thoughts in the last few days. The fear of forever losing xMM. I am familiar with that fear. It can give you panic attacks. it makes no sense but I decided that I'd rather have him there where i could see he was fine than lose him completely. Let me tell you what happens when you succumb to that fear. Many get back into an A, some maintain a friendship. I maintained a friendship but sometimes I think the cost was/is very high. Because we could talk on the phone sometimes, go to the same parties, work on certain business projects, I found myself in a constant battle. It is psychologically tiring. I believe that seeing him, hearing from him, knowing what is going on in his life and he mine, has allowed us to continue loving each other. We don't have sex and for ages I thought very highly of myself. Then I came to LS and learned about EAs. I think we are in a mild EA of sorts. I'm still conflicted on that. We have established unspoken rules of interaction because we both know what will happen should we find ourselves between four walls or talking about intimate things. Don't do this to yourself if you can help it. Choosing to be friends and LC seems like an easy way but it is the hard road. It is filled with potholes and obstacles. It is the proverbial path paved with gold that leads you straight to hell. Loving someone you know will never be yours in any way is not something I'd wish for anybody. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author imperfectangel Posted June 6, 2013 Author Share Posted June 6, 2013 Thanks for the reply I think realistically we couldn't be friends. I do not want to hear about his wife, where he goes on holiday (obv with her) etc so I can't see it ever working I just miss him and really just want to know he's ok every once in a while but after the ranting I gave him in feb I really do t see how I could approach him (email obv), if I even should Link to post Share on other sites
Praying4Peace Posted June 6, 2013 Share Posted June 6, 2013 ImperfectAngel, Just have a good cry. Get angry and sad and every emotion in between. You'll feel better tomorrow once you let it all out. I think this is just part of the healing process. Link to post Share on other sites
findingnemo Posted June 6, 2013 Share Posted June 6, 2013 Thanks for the reply I think realistically we couldn't be friends. I do not want to hear about his wife, where he goes on holiday (obv with her) etc so I can't see it ever working I just miss him and really just want to know he's ok every once in a while but after the ranting I gave him in feb I really do t see how I could approach him (email obv), if I even should I've seen some posts about staying friends with MM. The thing that is important is deciding what it is to be a true friend. To do that, you must hear about the W, the good and bad times. You must hear about the kids, and you must give the kind of advice a true friend would give. I once had to re-orient myself to be a friend rather than someone who loves xMM and would like him for herself. He had a quarrel with his W and she had left. This was years after our A. When I heard the details, it was obvious he was overreacting. I told him so and explained why I thought his W was right. I told him to reach out to her and called him everyday to make sure he was doing everything to sort things out. I wasn't trying to be a saint. I just realized that he loves her and that what they had wasn't worth throwing away. It's not easy and as I said earlier, it is better to end it when the A ends. As much as you want to know how he is, are you willing to pay the price of remaining true to your values? Are you willing to fight against going back into the A? To do so, you must decide in your heart what is important. To me, xMM is important but my sanity, my peace, my values are more important than him. Loving someone unconditionally entails loving him regardless of the mistakes and choices he has made. If the choices are not for your own good, your love should make it easier to accept that it is for his good. At the same time, you must look out for yourself. Self sacrifice makes sense in this case. I don't sacrifice my values and happiness and I don't ask him to sacrifice his. It is what it is... Link to post Share on other sites
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