How do you deal with the communication between your husband and his ex girlfriend

[fairy_dust]

[font=times new roman][/font][color=darkred][/color]

 

I need advice about this situation somone please help, I known my husband for 2 years now as we got married last year and was common law for a 1 1/2. Well when I first moved in with him he had this pic of an old high school girlfriend, at first wasn't a big deal to see her picture. But after sometime walking in the room looking up to see her face really made me feel uptight about it just being there. I am a scorpio and well in my sign I tend to get verrrry jealous and possesive over my mate. I mean who wouldn't if they love there spouse so much, so anyway we had a dispute about her emailing him and her picture etc.

 

He says I am jealous and I shouldn't be because he loves me and she is just someone of his past and you can't change that. So for sometime he did not tell her that we were dating as we were living withone another. It seemed to me that everytime she would email he would email nothing about me to her. Like he wants to hide or something from her because I guess didn't want to break her heart I don't know. There was a time he tried to call her on the day pf her birthday.

 

Anyway time has passed she still sends occasional emails which of coarse bothers me. We get married and well he tells her he is committed, she didn't congratulate or anything just commented on his email, her mother was upset because she wasn't invited. Anyway she even sent pics of her holding a stanly cup at some gig she had to do. As she is an aspiring musician and actress etc. what ticked me off tho about my husband is that the night before his birthday I told him to tell her stop cmmunicating with you because it bothers me. He thought about it and well he told me he is not going to send her any email saying to stop contacting him. He tells me not to try and change him and he always slaps that in my face about not changing him.

 

I mean how the hell am I going to change him by telling him to stop communicating with her, and to top it off he refuses to consider the way I feel so he tells me on the night of his birthday we are gonna have a divorce if "I can't stop being upset for nothing" so he says. That hurt me so deep it's like he protects her and this past they had that he feels I am destroying it. Then he comes back to me again telling me that "he knows if I leave, I would find no other just as good as he is". That was so obvious he was eating his words of getting divorced, it told me he does not want to loose me of how I took it. Well we dropped that subject that night as I admitted to him that I am jealous and uncomfortable and did not mean no intention to change him or anyone. I just don't want any past lovers to interfer with my marriage as I am protecting m intrest. So from bit my tongue not to comment or complain etc. about his ex girlfriend occasionally emailing him. I even asked him what is it about her that you cling onto this communication with her. He told me because she has a good heart and that was it. But I am feeling it's more than that and he is not telling me the truth, and I also get the feeling she still has feelings for him as well. What should I do?????

[overseas2004]

I would put my foot down because its unacceptable behavior. Tell him if he is going to divorce you over contacting her to be your guest... And leave it at that. Next time you find out he is still writing her pack your bags and leave.

 

That is so unacceptable.

[muse(unloveheart)]

Put your foot down if you mean anything to him at all he will choose you.

I know where i stand with my spouse and that is second to his x-wife and old girlfriends dont let this be you. beth

[Spira]

I had a similar problem... my boyfriend of two years used to call his ex-girlfriend from time to time and it always bugged me. He still has pictures of her, and he has told me about his past with her and all, about how she was his first love and that when he was previously engaged, he cheated on his fiance with her. (Why he told me this, I will never f*cking understand...) Well, I bit my tounge too, knowing that they were still friends and that they only talked to each other on the phone, but all the time I felt like she still had a huge place in his heart - and that hurt.

 

Well, me & my boyfriend sort of frequent this picture-rating site... (yeah, silly, I know), and I found one day that he had left a comment for one of the ladies on the site that said, "You are beautiful. You remind me of my first true love. God, I miss her..."

 

After that I kind of blew up, deleted her phone number out of his cell phone, and he never talked to her again. He is still angry with me about it today...

 

Don't let him disrespect you in this way. If you are his wife, you should be the most important thing to him, and you're feelings should matter. Breaking off ties with her is a small sacrafice to make for your happiness and your relationship.

[Ladyjane14]

I kind of agree with your husband about trying to 'change him'. If he feels that way then he is chafing against the attempts to control his behaviour and you'll just end up being him 'mom', and trying to run his life. Hey, NOBODY wants someone else running their life for them.

 

Here's the hitch in his thinking though: 'What's sauce for the gander is sauce for the goose.'

 

How would he feel if you posted up an old pic of one of your previous boyfriends on the wall? How would he feel if you were e-mailing with someone you once said "I love you" with? Frankly, if he can walk-a-mile-in-your-shoes about that, and it would be okay for him, then you probably ought to drop it. It's not like he's 'doing her' on the kitchen table or something.

 

But, if he would have a problem with it, then that's something different. I think our own behavior sets the parameters for the behavior we should expect from our spouse. In other words, by e-mailing with his old flame, he gives you tacit permission to do the same. I think if it were me I'd explain that to him in very polite and loving terms.

[muse(unloveheart)]

i asked him just that and he said he dont know what he would feel or do, it has never happen to him and hedont beleive i would do that anyways.

and about knowing anyone to put up pic i hate my x. and the only one that i cared for other then my spouse now is dead. (he died one day while we was swimming that was before i got married over a yr an a 1/2 ago. so even if i wanted to i couldnt but thats not me anyways i cant do what he is doing cause i find it wrong.

I do believe in the sayen that do unto others as you want them to do unto you. but it never goes that way. or treat others as you wish to be treated. that one dont hold much in todays dates either.

but thanks for your input people, some have helped and others i just read(food for thought). god bless

beth

[Ladyjane14]

I think your problem is ALOT bigger than what FairyDust is dealing with.

 

Your husband sounds like he's got a serious addiction problem. Or, he just doesn't give a flying flip what you think.

 

Maybe the only way to let him know that you're really serious is to take him up on his ultimatum of 'get over it, or get out'. This is the problem with ultimatums - you've got to be prepared to back it up. Is he?

 

Now, I never recommend head-games. But I think that an ultimatum can be a good tool when you are 100% sure that you can live with the outcome. When you really have given up AS MUCH AS YOU CAN AFFORD in working out a compromise, and when there's no more wiggle room in what you can REALLY live with, then I don't think saying so amounts to a head-game anymore. Rather, it's setting boundaries.

 

I wish you luck. You've got a difficult problem.

[Lucia]

I think you should change your attitude. Your husband knew this person before, loved her, shared things with her, was friends with her. Yes, his love for her is not there anymore, but friendship remained. They are friends now. Why does he have to stop talking to his friend? Try to be more understanding, try to become friends with her. If your husband loves you, this should be enough for you to feel happy, you don't necessarily need to cut him off the world or to have him under your total control. There has to be some trust in your relationship, otherwise you can go crazy with suspicions.

[muse(unloveheart)]

so i should just allow him and her to sex talk and send each other nude pic. and this is ok. I dont agree. a firend is one thing a sex xhat with someone not your apouse is another.

Yes they had something well had is the term. Its over and should stay that way. I could take a hi buddy how are you but not what thay are doing,its wrong.

I cant beleive any wife in her right mind woud let her spouse have this kind of convo with x wives or girlfriends,lover or what ever.

If she calls he runs but if I need him its ill be there later or when i can. NO i will not lighten up on this.

He still had the wrong feeling in that relationship he should not be seeing her. and she should not be calling or writen him. Confuesd wife

beth

[UnicornGirl]

Your attemps to force him to stop contacting the ex are literally driving your husband closer to her. Believe me -- sounds like the ex is totally winning him over.

 

You've done so much damage with your insistence ... do you really want this man to stop contacting his ex because you FORCED him to, or because he loses interest in her since he's got such a great wife? Something to think about.

 

I'm sorry to say that exes are a big problem in marriage ... people who want their ex back are super-determined and often learn to love in better ways than an average person by reading self-help books and going to counseling. I don't know if the ex really loves your husband or not, but she seems determined to either have a sexual relationship with him or win him back. (She won't be able to win him back by having sex with him though, I can assure you ... he'll regret leaving you if that becomes the case and want to go back to you.)

 

Realize that most people who are exes could have reconciled had they resolved internal issues and that as long as two people are alive, their relationship is never dead.

 

The more resentful you act and the more you become jealous and try to argue your husband back to you, the more the ex wins. I don't know if you can have the marriage you want with this man because he may feel he's meant to be with his ex and/or still loves her. I would suggest you stop the posessiveness and go to counseling, which can really help with jealousy and trust issues. I feel if you don't get outside help with this, you won't be able to save your marriage.

[Starbuck Queen]

I have a flirtacious BF. He still has female friends that he has had sex with in the past. He swears that they will never get together but the flirting still bothers me. I gave these ladies the benefit of the doubt. They knew about me and I assumed they would behave honorably. Of course they didn't. Understand however that it takes two. Your husband has to be a willing party in order for something to happen. He should stand up for your relationship and remind his "Ex" that you are his wife and he loves you. while it is ok to keep in touch. It is perfectly reasonable for you to ask for hubby not to cyber with this woman.