foolno.2 Posted June 6, 2013 Share Posted June 6, 2013 I have been involved with a married man for over a year now, all the while (as everyone does) realising how foolish and lacking in self respect i have been... we have worked together for more than 4 years. I am now 31 and he is 52. I went away travelling for a year and returned to the same job. things had changed at work, a lot of the old staff had left so we were close. i find it hard to trust and connect with new people so he was my closest friend there. i never had any intimate thoughts about him, it turns out (so he says) that he had feelings for me for a long time. for some reason about a year after i had returned to work i had a fantasy about him and coincidentally he drunkenly text me when i was at work and we flirted and long story short things progressed from there. rumours started at work and we brushed them off saying we were good friends and worked well together which wasn't a lie. i had a breakdown of sorts about past abuse issues that i eventually went to counselling for and he was the person that i felt supported me the most through that. we talked often about being together properly but because of the age difference we agreed we shouldn't. we were on and off very frequently, both feeling guilty about his wife. i have played the game of us being just friends and i talk to her. she has been to my home and come with me and her husband to take my cat to the vets. she knows the rumours but for her own reasons has done nothing about them and never confronted me. in november he was moved to another area of the company so we spent less time together and catching moments. i saw him yesterday and told him how in love with him i am only to be disappointed by his response. the issue here is that just recently his wife has been moved to my place of work. basically, i really want to end things with him and have no contact but how can i do this when i have to work so closely with her so i will constantly be reminded of him. plus she thinks we are really good friends and may wonder why i am no longer in touch with him.. reallly want to break free. sick of being the other woman and feeling like this for a bloke who claims he loves me but is really just full of ****!!! id be tempted to tell all to her if i could leave that job but i am at university and this is the only work that will accommodate my uni commitments with a decent pay rate. Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted June 6, 2013 Share Posted June 6, 2013 (edited) I have been involved with <Snip> If you interact with the wife you have serious lack of self respect. Seek IC and leave this old man right away. A young woman like you should have options. What are you thinking??? This is insane!! Edited June 6, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author foolno.2 Posted June 6, 2013 Author Share Posted June 6, 2013 If you interact with the wife you have serious lack of self respect. Seek IC and leave this old man right away. A young woman like you should have options. What are you thinking??? This is insane!! i know this!! the heart makes us do stupid things though eh!! Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted June 6, 2013 Share Posted June 6, 2013 i know this!! the heart makes us do stupid things though eh!! Ignore the heart and listen to your brain. If you wrote here you are already listening to your brain. Nothing good can come out of this. You are an ego booster for an old guy. The two of you are in love, but this is the wishy washy form of love. What you feel is the change a brain biochemistry that looks a lot like an addiction. I bet this guy meets some emotional needs you have. Perhaps he pays a lot of attention to you and courts you in a very special manner. This is something you do not find with single young men that have plenty of options. You are vulnerable to the old guy because he knows how to meet your specific emotional needs. A woman with a healthy ego and self esteem would not pay this guy two seconds of attention. This is why you need to talk to a counselor. Find out why you fell for an oldie. Link to post Share on other sites
Praying4Peace Posted June 6, 2013 Share Posted June 6, 2013 Have you spoken to him to ask him what he thinks you should do? Maybe he can convince his wife to leave this job so you can eliminate all contact. Perhaps he should just fess up! If not, let him know that you can tell her so that she's leave the job voluntarily. My first choice would be for YOU to leave that job, but you are saying that it is part of your University's work study program (or the equivalent in Canada)? Nothing healthy or good is going to happen with you two working together, and trust me if she knew she would NOT want to work with you either. When you're away from this whole mess you will feel better. I'm assuming you want to end the A, though? Is that the wrong assumption? Link to post Share on other sites
Author foolno.2 Posted June 6, 2013 Author Share Posted June 6, 2013 he agrees that it is a very bad situation for me having to work with her but has no productive alternative to suggest. he will not tell her the truth about the affair and neither do i really want her to know. i really dont feel good about what i have been doing. truth is my ego must really be that low to continue this whilst knowing that its totally wrong and that in reality i am worth more and i would hate to be on the recieving end. I am in the UK. This job is very flexible for my university hours and the pay for these hours is the best i am likely to get for these hours at this time. I could try and push for a transfer elsewhere but there is no guarantee that my hours of work needs could be met so it probably wouldn't work out. i know that she would not want to work with me if she knew, i don't want to have to face her all the time knowing what i have been doing. its the typical situation of when the going is good i am ok with the affair but when its bad i feel awful and it effects every part of my life and i go into shut down and isolation. i want it to end, it can't continue. either i break it or ultimately we will probably get found out. i don't want it to end that way. to top it off i now have first hand experience of how untrustworthy people can be so will be even more guarded in the future, potentially healthy relationships Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted June 6, 2013 Share Posted June 6, 2013 to top it off i now have first hand experience of how untrustworthy people can be so will be even more guarded in the future, potentially healthy relationships This isnt something that happened to you. Its something that you have Done. There is a difference between choosing an unhealthy relationship with an unavailable man and being betrayed unexpectedly. Im not saying this to hurt you - But this is something Ive learned about myself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author foolno.2 Posted June 6, 2013 Author Share Posted June 6, 2013 I know this may sound snarky, but I don't mean it that way... I read your posts, and something really struck me about them. There really seems to be a total lack of responsibility for the choices you made here...maybe it;s just the way you worded things, as that can easily happen. You say that you got close to him and before you knew it, you were in an affair, and that you can;t help what your heart wants, etc. maybe all of that is true, but you can help what you do about it. - you got involved with a married man - you got involved with a man at work - to CYA, you befriended his wife ( I;m sorry, but that's just nasty) - you somehow seem to expect that she, or him or someone else should make this easier for you at the workplace now that you want to end it - it seems you would be happier if one of them left, as you don't want to give up your position I'm sorry to say it, but there;s not a lot you can do. You can tell her about the affair and own up to your part in it, you can keep working and feel uncomfortable, you can hope he or she leaves, or you can go to the company's HR department ( if this is against your companies policies)... None of those choices is very palatable, but what else can you really do? If I were in your shoes, it chalk it up to a learning experience, do my best to muddle through the next little while, sen dout my resume to aks many places as aI could, and hope something better comes along...and of course, learn form the experience so i never repeat it. I wrote on here for honest opinions, i cannot argue with what people say. I didn't mean to give the impression that I just fell into this affair. obviously i knew what i was doing. youre right, i do have to take responsibility for my own actions and do the right thing. I dont know what you mean by CYA but i do know that having contact with his wife is not nice whilst i have been doing what i have. this is not to excuse myself for anything but just to say that i agree with you. i don't expect anyone to make it easier for me at all. i am just stating the facts about the situation, and i don't think that its a case of me being almost self righteous in thinking that i should be able to keep my job for the sake of others. its true, i either live with it or i change it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author foolno.2 Posted June 6, 2013 Author Share Posted June 6, 2013 This isnt something that happened to you. Its something that you have Done. There is a difference between choosing an unhealthy relationship with an unavailable man and being betrayed unexpectedly. Im not saying this to hurt you - But this is something Ive learned about myself. i wasnt saying it was something that happened to me. i was just showing that through my experience of the situation i have seen a side to people that i might previously have been more ignorant to. i know what you mean and i know that i have effectively created my own unhappiness 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted June 6, 2013 Share Posted June 6, 2013 You can fix it too. Create something else. You might consider telling him that he has to tell his wife or you will. You might consider telling him that if he cant do that , he should encourage his wife to find another position because that would make you more comfortable. In any case - you really really should stop making him important to you. Stop the communication. If his wife asks about it , simply tell her that you have been busy with other friends and interests. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author foolno.2 Posted June 6, 2013 Author Share Posted June 6, 2013 I respect you for owning and understanding your part in this. Do you wish to right your wrongs regarding MM's wife? If so, please please tell her the truth. It will be uncomfortable and possibly ugly, but she deserves to know that her husband is having affairs right under her nose. You deserve better and I hope you find peace. As far as the breakdowns because of past abuse issues...I completely understand this and hope that you continue with therapy. Dump the old man and let yourself heal! i dont think its about righting wrongs. how can i do this just by telling her what has happened? yeah it gives her the freedom to choose whether she wants to stay with this man but it causes her a world of pain and maybe she would rather not know. who am i to decide when i can just walk away. plus it doesn't make me feel any better cos i have, in part, caused all her pain anyway. I feel like she has the right to know but its not about me. my feelings about this relationship and its effect on me are created by me but thats it. i know this kind of contradicts what i said but i confuse myself about the 'right' thing to do in this situation. I am not currently in therapy, maybe i need to resume this Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted June 6, 2013 Share Posted June 6, 2013 who am i to decide when i can just walk away. You are. Why don't you get a new job and separate yourself entirely from these people? Link to post Share on other sites
Author foolno.2 Posted June 6, 2013 Author Share Posted June 6, 2013 Trust me, we BS's want to know. And giving her the truth of her life will be a gift for her in the long run. Please do take care of yourself. what is a BS? sorry, i dont know these abbreviations Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted June 6, 2013 Share Posted June 6, 2013 what is a BS? sorry, i dont know these abbreviations Here is a pinned explanation of acronyms. BS = Betrayed Spouse. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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