katielee Posted June 6, 2013 Share Posted June 6, 2013 1. He said hey if we ever go to this lake, Jim L. just bought a house there and we could stop by for a beer. Jim was with him partying the night he bar hopped and kissed OW1. I said I'm not really interested in hanging out with him. He said he understands BUT why in the heck be friends with him anyway? He is his banker but they must call and talk about stuff that's not business related.... For the record, at his insistence I dumped the two friends I was with the night I was sexually assaulted as we both felt they did nothing to protect me. I really feel like this is a double standard.... 2. He is taking a female client out to lunch. We discussed that he could do this if they are the grandma type. He said shes 60. Moore, she's 4 years older than him, although not attractive. Question is, why go at all if he knows this triggers me- he took the OW all around town for lunch, drinks....as a former wayward myself, I won't go out to lunch with ANY male. It would just look bad. Am I over- reacting? I guess I'm just watching his choices sad trying to determine if I can live with them...,, Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted June 6, 2013 Share Posted June 6, 2013 I ran into these same kind of problems. It's ridiculously tough to have gone thru everything you have gone thru in order to reconcile and then to decide that "little" things like this are a dealbreaker. What does your gut say about him being truly remorseful? And have you requested that he not do business lunches with members of the opposite sex at all? Or that he fully disconnect from friends that are not friends of the marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted June 6, 2013 Author Share Posted June 6, 2013 He's remorseful, just doesn't want his life to change much.... We agreed he could go out with someone older and not attractive but he told me she was 60 and she's not, but maybe looks it. I guess he's following the boundaries but at some point I wish he would think about all the choices he makes, how would this impact my wife? Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted June 6, 2013 Share Posted June 6, 2013 He's remorseful, just doesn't want his life to change much.... We agreed he could go out with someone older and not attractive but he told me she was 60 and she's not, but maybe looks it. I guess he's following the boundaries but at some point I wish he would think about all the choices he makes, how would this impact my wife? I hear you. I, too, wanted my fWS to be more proactive in preventing triggers. She wasn't so good at it. She got better with time. I also had to learn to express my discomfort and anxiety. I had to acknowledge that she wasn't a mind-reader. And I did change my expectations, which wasn't easy to do. Eventually, she got to the point where she would proactively text me photos of where she was at and who she was with. It really became a win-win because it avoided my anxiety and the resulting conflict. But it just took time and my willingness to express what I needed before we got there. Link to post Share on other sites
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