aloneinaz Posted June 6, 2013 Share Posted June 6, 2013 So, my now exgf and I had a spat last Friday. As some of you know, I told her I was tiring of her snapping, being short, etc with me all the time. She worked herself up into a lather and ended up saying she was done. I left and we've had NC since then. I was curious today so I looked at a dating site and sure enough, she had a brand new profile up. We went out for 14-15 months with a few short break ups in there this year. We'd talked marriage, living together, etc. What does it say about someone who immediantly starts dating after a break up of a long relationship? I don't know. I read everywhere that you should give yourself plenty of time to heal before jumping back into the dating scene again. Some folks say "get right back on the horse".. What's your view? Link to post Share on other sites
itto ogami Posted June 6, 2013 Share Posted June 6, 2013 Don't want to generalize too much, but women in my experience are pretty quick to move on, or have somebody in mind even before they break up. Link to post Share on other sites
Drseussgrrl Posted June 6, 2013 Share Posted June 6, 2013 Don't want to generalize too much, but women in my experience are pretty quick to move on, or have somebody in mind even before they break up. This is true for men as well. If you're the dumper, chances are you were over it before you even pulled the plug. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted June 6, 2013 Share Posted June 6, 2013 Usually when people break up they've been weaning their way out of the relationship emotionally for a while before they do it. So this isn't really that unusual for your ex to be doing this. She came to terms and started moving forward before she let you know what was going on. It has nothing to do with her being a woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Author aloneinaz Posted June 6, 2013 Author Share Posted June 6, 2013 Usually when people break up they've been weaning their way out of the relationship emotionally for a while before they do it. So this isn't really that unusual for your ex to be doing this. She came to terms and started moving forward before she let you know what was going on. It has nothing to do with her being a woman. I wasn't imply it had anything to do w/women or men. It just seems to me that it devalues the previous relationship when you simply start over that quickly. Our break up came over me telling her something she didn't want to hear. W/her being a type A, she got pissed and ended it. She's done it 1-2 times before. It wasn't me showing up and her telling me she was done. We'd been getting along ok. I'm not denying that she could have been checking out of the relationship mentally or emotionally. Anything's possible. There were plenty of times I left her house asking myself WTF are you thinking, continuing to date this woman. You hang on to hope that they will change but we all know most don't. Link to post Share on other sites
Drseussgrrl Posted June 6, 2013 Share Posted June 6, 2013 I wasn't imply it had anything to do w/women or men. It just seems to me that it devalues the previous relationship when you simply start over that quickly. Our break up came over me telling her something she didn't want to hear. W/her being a type A, she got pissed and ended it. She's done it 1-2 times before. It wasn't me showing up and her telling me she was done. We'd been getting along ok. I'm not denying that she could have been checking out of the relationship mentally or emotionally. Anything's possible. There were plenty of times I left her house asking myself WTF are you thinking, continuing to date this woman. You hang on to hope that they will change but we all know most don't. As much as it hurts, once someone makes the decision to exit a relationship, what they do after is really none of your concern, and you'll go insane trying to figure out what is going on in her head. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted June 6, 2013 Share Posted June 6, 2013 I wasn't imply it had anything to do w/women or men. It just seems to me that it devalues the previous relationship when you simply start over that quickly. Our break up came over me telling her something she didn't want to hear. W/her being a type A, she got pissed and ended it. She's done it 1-2 times before. It wasn't me showing up and her telling me she was done. We'd been getting along ok. I'm not denying that she could have been checking out of the relationship mentally or emotionally. Anything's possible. There were plenty of times I left her house asking myself WTF are you thinking, continuing to date this woman. You hang on to hope that they will change but we all know most don't. Well, of course she's devaluing the previous relationship -- she ended it. If she saw enough value in it, she'd still be in it. It sucks, but that's how she sees it and she's under no obligation to sit a few weeks out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted June 6, 2013 Share Posted June 6, 2013 I know from experience that if I leave a guy, I've already been emotionally detached for a while. I broke up with one of my exes. We dated for 2 years. Two weeks later I was in a new relationship. I had already detached myself from that guy, I was tired of our relationship, the drama, I didn't see a future with him, and I just cut him loose. And it's true. I had a guy waiting when I broke up with him. I knew this guy before I ended it with him. Sometimes this is what people do. I think if you're the dumpee you should give yourself time to heal. My last ex dumped me and I've been single about 13 months now, and I wouldn't have had it any other way. I'm emotionally healthy and ready for a new relationship now. I don't have ill feelings, baggage, drama, and I've been talking to a new guy now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author aloneinaz Posted June 6, 2013 Author Share Posted June 6, 2013 Well, of course she's devaluing the previous relationship -- she ended it. If she saw enough value in it, she'd still be in it. It sucks, but that's how she sees it and she's under no obligation to sit a few weeks out. True that- "She's devaluing the previous relationship-- she ended it". I love this site as it provides different view points than the way my noggin views things at times. It's odd though. You see so many people who get out of long term relationships that state it took them months or years to enter the dating pool. Then there's folks like my Ex who can't seem to be w/out a significant other in their lives. Oh well. This has been her MO during our past break-ups, so why should things change now. Seeing her there hurts but my none emotional side of my brain says I need to move on, she's not going to change and we're simply not compatible, despite me so wanting it to work. Oh yea, this site she rejoined I was on before as well before meeting her. I had to simply update my profile and pics and turn my profile back on. I think I'll take her lead and start my search for her replacement as well. Maybe there be a side benefit of her seeing me on there and getting a sting herself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author aloneinaz Posted June 6, 2013 Author Share Posted June 6, 2013 I know from experience that if I leave a guy, I've already been emotionally detached for a while. I broke up with one of my exes. We dated for 2 years. Two weeks later I was in a new relationship. I had already detached myself from that guy, I was tired of our relationship, the drama, I didn't see a future with him, and I just cut him loose. And it's true. I had a guy waiting when I broke up with him. I knew this guy before I ended it with him. Sometimes this is what people do. I think if you're the dumpee you should give yourself time to heal. My last ex dumped me and I've been single about 13 months now, and I wouldn't have had it any other way. I'm emotionally healthy and ready for a new relationship now. I don't have ill feelings, baggage, drama, and I've been talking to a new guy now. Good insight Cat! I appreciate your feedback. As I mentioned, I think we both were feeling that it was a lot of work and I was tiring of her continual foul moods towards me, her kids and anyone else around. She was always stressed out from work, kids issues, etc. There were to versions of this woman.. Version one is the one we all hope for in a relationship. This version was very prominent the first 6-7 months of our relationship. Then she let her hair down and i saw the "bad" version of her. Run for the hills! Just not a nice person to anyone. It use to be a ratio of 90-10 with the bad only 10%. The last two months were more like 50-50. Her nurse/friend who took care of her kid and I talked about her, her temper, her running everyone down when mad, many times when my ex wasn't home. The woman knows she has issues and I hope she'll one day address them for her own happiness in life and for the benefit of those who have to endure who mood swings. Link to post Share on other sites
Shaun-Dro Posted June 6, 2013 Share Posted June 6, 2013 "get right back on the horse".. That's exactly what she did and you need to do the same thing, bro. Link to post Share on other sites
simplyamazing Posted June 6, 2013 Share Posted June 6, 2013 I know from experience that if I leave a guy, I've already been emotionally detached for a while. I broke up with one of my exes. We dated for 2 years. Two weeks later I was in a new relationship. I had already detached myself from that guy, I was tired of our relationship, the drama, I didn't see a future with him, and I just cut him loose. And it's true. I had a guy waiting when I broke up with him. I knew this guy before I ended it with him. Sometimes this is what people do. I think if you're the dumpee you should give yourself time to heal. My last ex dumped me and I've been single about 13 months now, and I wouldn't have had it any other way. I'm emotionally healthy and ready for a new relationship now. I don't have ill feelings, baggage, drama, and I've been talking to a new guy now. So you essentially cheated on your boyfriend, stayed with him for no reason other than to be with somebody, until you found a new guy? That's awesome. I really hope that the guy that dumped you did the same thing. There is no hope for the human race. Link to post Share on other sites
Author aloneinaz Posted June 6, 2013 Author Share Posted June 6, 2013 That's exactly what she did and you need to do the same thing, bro. I agree but.. it also makes me feel like "I" can't stand to be alone, when I can. I'm not a co-dependant person and don't need a GF to feel completed. They say to just jump right back into a new relationship is to hide from your emotions about the previous one and to hide from the pain of failure. I think there's value in letting things settle down for maybe a month or two after a year relationship but in her case, she can't handle being alone. Link to post Share on other sites
simplyamazing Posted June 6, 2013 Share Posted June 6, 2013 I agree but.. it also makes me feel like "I" can't stand to be alone, when I can. I'm not a co-dependant person and don't need a GF to feel completed. They say to just jump right back into a new relationship is to hide from your emotions about the previous one and to hide from the pain of failure. I think there's value in letting things settle down for maybe a month or two after a year relationship but in her case, she can't handle being alone. Truth in this. For the first few weeks, I couldn't stand being alone. Now I love it. I get to focus on me, and only me. I can do whatever I want without anyone telling me no, or arguing with me. It's pretty awesome, and I'm not jumping right into anything for a while. Link to post Share on other sites
simplyamazing Posted June 6, 2013 Share Posted June 6, 2013 You think this is unusual? Most people who do the dumping, already have someone lined up. That's why there are so many threads written by dumpees wanting to know why the dumper is dating so soon. This is pretty normal behaviour. And it's not cheating - she ended her relationship... Unfortunately I don't think it's that unusual. I said it's essentially cheating, she was clearly talking to the guy before leaving the relationship, and even says as much. She knew her intent the entire time. That's pretty much why I said there is no hope for the human race. Not many people have integrity left. Link to post Share on other sites
juicygirl Posted June 6, 2013 Share Posted June 6, 2013 So you essentially cheated on your boyfriend, stayed with him for no reason other than to be with somebody, until you found a new guy? That's awesome. I really hope that the guy that dumped you did the same thing. There is no hope for the human race. O.K let's not dig at people, she was just giving her take on the situation. I've had it happen to me where I've broke up with a guy and soon after his started dating a new girl.So I'm guessing this girl was waiting in the wings for us to break up, it's not cheating. Guys do it all the time, wait on the side lines for a girl they like, especially if she confides in them about her current relationship and all the drama and arguments. It just depends on the person. Most of the time one or both parties have checked out emotionally before the big "we need to talk" conversation. I wouldn't waste another second on her. 14 months sounds a bit early to be so on and off, just be happy all you did was talk about marriage. Loads more women out there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author aloneinaz Posted June 6, 2013 Author Share Posted June 6, 2013 It just depends on the person. Most of the time one or both parties have checked out emotionally before the big "we need to talk" conversation. I wouldn't waste another second on her. 14 months sounds a bit early to be so on and off, just be happy all you did was talk about marriage. Loads more women out there. I think in this situation, there wasn't a big "we need to talk conversation". I was over at her house for dinner with her kids. I was feeding one of her kids and she put her arms around me and told me she loves me. It was normal night. She then got a bit snippy and ***chy and I told her "it's getting old" meaning her mood swings and itchyness. She then did a quick errand and came back and was mad that I called her out which lead to the end. I don't feel that dumped. It wasn't like I hadn't thought about dumping her because of her issues. 80-90% of our issues where on her and she'd admit it when she was calm. Her favorite express was "I'm not easy to get along with". Ya think?!?!?! I just kept hoping therapy would help her but it never did. It's much easier for her to move on, lose a great guy and not address her problems that caused many issues in our relationship than it is to do the hard work to make changes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author aloneinaz Posted June 6, 2013 Author Share Posted June 6, 2013 Also Juicy, You make a good point. We were off/on too much for only 14 months. I think we cling to how great things were the first part of the "honeymoon" phase and always hope to get back to there when reality is a different monster. I need to stop being attracted to uptight, angry, controlling, bitchy, TYPE A women Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted June 6, 2013 Share Posted June 6, 2013 So, my now exgf and I had a spat last Friday. As some of you know, I told her I was tiring of her snapping, being short, etc with me all the time. She worked herself up into a lather and ended up saying she was done. I left and we've had NC since then. I was curious today so I looked at a dating site and sure enough, she had a brand new profile up. We went out for 14-15 months with a few short break ups in there this year. We'd talked marriage, living together, etc. What does it say about someone who immediantly starts dating after a break up of a long relationship? I don't know. I read everywhere that you should give yourself plenty of time to heal before jumping back into the dating scene again. Some folks say "get right back on the horse".. What's your view? it means that she's moving on and looking for a new relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author aloneinaz Posted June 7, 2013 Author Share Posted June 7, 2013 it means that she's moving on and looking for a new relationship. LMAO!! Hey Man, please, don't beat around the bush. Get to the point and tell me your thoughts! To your comment, YA THINK? Link to post Share on other sites
inaya42 Posted June 7, 2013 Share Posted June 7, 2013 dating websites help people to move into new relationships. but even more than that, they provide effective ego boosts, and bring sparkly excitement into one's day via computer... a silver lining: your ex did not have a special someone waiting in the wings when your relationship ended. this happens, of course. but when it does happen, it means that one person in the relationship is violating the terms of that relationship if the prior agreement was monogamy. in other words, things have to have proceeded along fairly far (even if only emotionally) for someone to end a long-term relationship for someone waiting in the wings. Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted June 7, 2013 Share Posted June 7, 2013 LMAO!! Hey Man, please, don't beat around the bush. Get to the point and tell me your thoughts! To your comment, YA THINK? then what's the point in asking? you're aware she's moving on, and not coming back, so why are you torturing yourself and cyberstalking her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author aloneinaz Posted June 7, 2013 Author Share Posted June 7, 2013 then what's the point in asking? you're aware she's moving on, and not coming back, so why are you torturing yourself and cyberstalking her? Cyberstalking? Ouch.. The post was for other view points in someone getting out of a serious relationship for over a year and jumping right back into the dating scene. WHAT DID I LEARN FROM MY POST- From what i've seen in these replies, it's not un-usual for folks to do this. I have to admit I was surprised NO ONE said "OMG, you CAN'T start dating this soon" or she's trying to cover her wounds, etc.. Link to post Share on other sites
inaya42 Posted June 7, 2013 Share Posted June 7, 2013 she may have been trying to cover up her wounds. does it make you feel better to think so? that's the thing about breakups -- the stories that we tell ourselves about why/how they happened dictate a lot of what we feel about ourselves and our exes. the stories, those thoughts don't, however, change the fact of the breakup and the work of moving on. this is why NC is essential; it gives our minds less to play with... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BLo7687 Posted June 7, 2013 Share Posted June 7, 2013 My ex did the same thing as well right after we broke up. I knew something was up because he was so wishy washy. And now it all made sense. I didn't know at that time and he didn't tell me until like 2 months later. I thought the same thing as you...really? He ended up meeting someone on there and he's still with her. You have to realize people will do this type of stuff. You just have to accept it and try to move on from it. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts