Still here, still married...

[cozycottagelg]

My story is here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/391514-my-story

 

I am still in the exact same spot. I just can't seem to make a move one way or the other. Last Saturday he looked me in the eye and asked me for the truth, told me he would rather I hurt him than not talk to him..and I still froze up.

 

I was as honest as I had the courage to be. I told him that our past has scarred me and that I just can't seem to let it go, that I hang on to a resentment that I should easily be able to just let go, but I can't.

 

He asked me if I was "angry" that he made all these changes because it made it harder for me to leave, and I was honest and said yes.

 

I just don't know how to look at someone in the eyes, someone I love and care about and tell them that I am not IN love with them anymore. All of my romantic feelings I used to have for him are gone. I find him attractive, but I can't stand his touch. I feel so lost. I feel like a stranger in my own house. I feel like I just don't belong anywhere. It's the strangest feeling I could imagine.

 

My life isn't even bad... I just can't seem to appreciate what I have. And I don't even think that life is going to suddenly be great if I left, I truly don't, I just am not sure if I can live this way forever..

 

I don't want to hurt him and I'm going to have to if I want to end our marriage. I can't even believe I got to this point. It's such a horrible feeling.

 

Just venting I guess. I really am just so lost.

[Deerhunter]

Thinking about yesterday ruins today and spoils tomorrow.

 

Do you think the next one won't hurt you? We all do. Will the next one be willing to change and work for a great relationship? Who knows? That's the chance you have to take.

 

If you can't let go of the past, let him go.

[TaraMaiden]

You write well.

So write to him.

 

Or show him your posts.

 

Something's got to give.

How long do you envisage yourself continuing to live like this?

 

failure to release either of you form something that is both farcical and a sham, is unfair, unreasonable and unrealistic.

 

Life holds no guarantees.

But one thing's for sure.

Staying like this just makes you both miserable, confused and deeply unsettled people.

 

Unfair.

[Porridge]

This post is so accurate to how my wife supposedly felt that I genuinely wondered if you were her for a moment!

 

Cozy, i'll let you know what my instinct said to your post. You've got some sort of depression going on here and with such a mindset, it's easy to identify causes which in fact are not the core reason for you feeling like you do.

 

That's not to say that your feelings for your husband aren't genuine, they clearly are. But along the line, you seem to have lost your own identity and sense of purpose. And if you can't love youself, then you're not going to love anyone else.

 

I'm no expert but I think you should talk to an impartial and professional person about how you're feeling deep down.

[WreckedDan]

Wow... uh. Same here Poridge... wish I knew how someones feeling disappears... I would jave to wonder if maybe you are in a depression? Maybe see your MD or a therapist before making this call... it's possible you're missing something that someone could help you through... You say you love this person, you find him attractive, and he's your friend. Could be something blocking out the intamacy? No idea really, trying to figure out why my wife feels this way towards me. If you figure it out please let me know!

 

Just my 2©

Dan

[WreckedDan]

Just read your original thread, if you replace his sitting on his butt with my working difficult hours and your kids with my own... I would have thought you were my wife.

 

This is going to hurt him A LOT. Please be kind to him, and patient.

 

Dan

[tojaz]

 

I am still in the exact same spot. I just can't seem to make a move one way or the other. Last Saturday he looked me in the eye and asked me for the truth, told me he would rather I hurt him than not talk to him..and I still froze up.

 

I was as honest as I had the courage to be. I told him that our past has scarred me and that I just can't seem to let it go, that I hang on to a resentment that I should easily be able to just let go, but I can't.

 

He asked me if I was "angry" that he made all these changes because it made it harder for me to leave, and I was honest and said yes.

I just don't know how to look at someone in the eyes, someone I love and care about and tell them that I am not IN love with them anymore. All of my romantic feelings I used to have for him are gone. I find him attractive, but I can't stand his touch. I feel so lost. I feel like a stranger in my own house. I feel like I just don't belong anywhere. It's the strangest feeling I could imagine.

 

My life isn't even bad... I just can't seem to appreciate what I have. And I don't even think that life is going to suddenly be great if I left, I truly don't, I just am not sure if I can live this way forever..

 

I don't want to hurt him and I'm going to have to if I want to end our marriage. I can't even believe I got to this point. It's such a horrible feeling.

 

Just venting I guess. I really am just so lost.

 

Cozy, in following your last thread and now your update, I'm just going to repeat that it seems like you have a lot of questions to answer about yourself before taking action against your marriage.

 

I'm bolding a few remarks from your post that really stand out to me if you'd care to elaborate.

 

TOJAZ

[Steadfast]

Cozy, I genuinely believe that you don't want to hurt your husband. Still, there's some contradiction in your words. See...you are hurting him, and you're hurting him more every day this goes on. May I suggest that a large part of this limbo is a fear of hurting yourself?

 

Very clearly you want sex with someone you're attracted to. I don't know (or recall) if you've actually met that person, but if so, then that'll be a huge part of your conflict. But...not all of it. The real battle here is going on inside your head. You're afraid of making a decision you'll regret. You're afraid of losing face to those you desperately seek approval from. You're afraid of your husband falling in love with another woman and losing the 'option' of having him in your life. That's what I see between your words.

 

In my opinion, of course.

 

If what you've written is true, I think your husband is facing what he believes is inevitable. Bracing for divorce. He's mentally gearing up for the split and it scares the crap out of you. You are terrified of saying the wrong thing, or tipping the scales too far. Terrified of saying or doing something that will seal the deal (in his eyes) before you've mustered up the courage to either end it, find an adequate replacement, or both.

 

Before you can work your way out of the mess you've created, you must be honest with yourself. A good, hard look at Cozy is the first order of business. Do get a complete medical check up too. It's a smart move.

[trippi1432]

Cozy - If I may ask you a question, how is your tolerance for stress? Have you seemed to always have a low tolerance for it? You mentioned in your other thread that you avoid confrontations and conflicts....just wondering how you react to stress.

[cozycottagelg]

To those who suggested counseling, I am working on that. I have reached out to a few places and I am just trying to figure out which one accepts my insurance.

 

I don't feel like I am depressed though. Sometimes I feel like I am only going to see a counselor to prove that I'm not. IDK, that in itself sounds crazy when I write it down. I don't feel like I am suffering a depression, I feel like I'm just stuck, because my husband isn't feeling the way I do.

 

 

Cozy - If I may ask you a question, how is your tolerance for stress? Have you seemed to always have a low tolerance for it? You mentioned in your other thread that you avoid confrontations and conflicts....just wondering how you react to stress.

 

I am actually not really sure how to answer this question. Because of my avoiding tendancies, I will initially freak out when a stressful situation arises, but then I might go for a drive, cry it out, and then just sort of re-group with myself and deal with it.

 

My problems avoiding conflict are the exact reason my marriage is the way it is. While I am not saying my husbands actions through the years weren't damaging to my "spirit" so to say, instead of just trying to let it go, I should have spoke up in the moment, or the next day..instead of several years later. Funny thing is, I used to pride myself on being in a marriage where there was no fighting and certainly not yelling, now I feel like that was probably the demise of ours.

 

Even as I write this, and start to realize more about myself, I feel like if I were to meet someone else, I'd do the exact same stuff. I wouldn't want to fight or complain. What the hell?

 

I stick up for myself more, now, with my husband. If he made me angry today, I'd have no problem pointing it out and addressing it, but now I'm in the mindset of waiting for a "real" reason to leave, so it doesn't seem genuine on my part to argue for the sake of arguing to justify my feelings.

 

To the person who suggested I write a letter. I have considered this. I actually have started several, but they seem so cowardly (my style) and I just feel like after an 8 year marriage and almost 12 years of marriage, he deserves more than a letter. Though I have thought about writing it and having him read it while I'm present.

 

Another thing that I haven't mentioned (maybe in a previous post but not sure) is that, I'm scared of his reaction when I do finally tell him I'd like to leave. He is being very understanding and considerate right now. That would change in an instant, in a second. He will become angry, withdrawn, sad, unreasonable, and again, ANGRY. Which I understand is a normal reaction, but I worry terribly about our children seeing this side of him. I worry about the way I will be portrayed about our friends and family, I worry that he will paint me as being crazy... and then I hate myself for even caring what others thing. It's MY life and I let everyone else dictate my choices.

 

It's just so f-ing scary. All of this. I don't want to ruin him

[cozycottagelg]

Update:

 

So I finally got the courage to tell my husband I didn't have feelings for him anymore. I told him that I didn't feel toward him, the way a wife should feel toward her husband.

 

He cried and I held him. It was very awkward and we didn't get into a lot of details after that, sort of just went on with the evening with that looming.

 

The next day I get an email from him, he is upbeat and positive about this marriage working out.

 

It took me a year to tell him how I truly felt, that I didn't have feelings for him, that the spark was gone, a YEAR...and the next day he acts like everything is going to be okay? I was defeated to say the least.

 

A few days of going through the motions and we are at home in the evening and he says "you know, I think so and so have the right idea, they aren't happy, but they stay together for the kids and it just makes sense financially to be together" I was shocked. Did he really think I'd be willing to stay out of convenience? I said to him "yes I know, I realize if I leave I will be broke"...he took that to mean I was on my way out and went upstairs. I found him on our bed sobbing. He starts with "I can't do this again" (he's been married before), "I can't live in this house without you" "I will never find anyone else" "How can you do this to the kids, how can you break up our family"...

 

I stayed calm, until he pulls out "I didn't realize how selfish I was being" and then I got angry. I told him all the times he would apologize for not hanging out with me and the kids. All the emails on a Monday morning, apologizing for missing out on another family activity.

 

He told me he was ready to change, that for the last year he has been better. I asked him to list some examples and he had maybe 2. He started to go on and on about all the things we could do as a family. I asked him why he wouldn't do these things before. Why does it take me leaving to want to hang out with me and the kids. He just kept saying he was selfish.

 

He begged for another chance. But I don't know if I have it in me. I just feel nothing.

 

He emails me all this sappy stuff and it just makes me angry. He planned stuff to do for my birthday without asking me or anything...

 

A year of working up the courage to say how I feel and it's like it never happened. We are back to going through the motions. I guess I'm going to just have to be more forceful. He wants to go to counseling but I don't even know what good that will do. I don't know if there is anything there worth saving. And I have checked out, as I have said in other posts.

 

In some of my other posts I put a lot of the blame on me for not saying how I felt earlier in the marriage...but then as we were talking the other night, I came up with so many times I would tell him I felt, and it didn't matter. But now it matters? Why now, because I'm done?

 

I put him up on a pedestal, he was my entire world and he jumped off...

 

He wants to "start dating again"...I told him that spending time together was never our problem, he just never went anywhere with me and the kids, as a family.

 

He says he is a failure as a father and a husband (said this in an email)..and that he needs to apologize to the kids for being absent. I told him that wasn't necessary. They are little and he is perfect in their eyes. They didn't miss out on anything, he did, by not going places with us.

 

I'm just tired. Tired... and I could co-exist if I had to, but I'm only 32..I feel like I deserve more.

[Man-guy]

Ok, I'll be totally honest with you. My wife was in almost the same EXACT frame of mind when she left. I can't speak to what you're going through, but I can definitely put myself in his shoes. He is putting up a DAMN brave front to try and tackle the issues you're both having. He didn't just "forget" that conversation, he's pouring himself into the relationship with everything he's got... At least, it's what I did for a month, but it did no good... Tell him to tone it down and give you some space to figure yourself out, as well as seeking counseling. I think that it would have helped my wife gain perspective w/o the necessity of leaving, but that still hasn't happened 3 months on (she is NC with me and two of our mutual best friends). It WILL be hard on both of you, but I'm sure you're aware this is a life changing decision, and some time to think about it with some objective POV from a professional will absolutely help you come to the right decision. If this is the right call for you, do it when you're in a clear and determined frame of mind. That's my 2 cents.

[TaraMaiden]

This is a scenario we see on LS, time and time and time again:

 

Wife tries for ages to hold things together, keep things running on an even keel, be supportive/pro-active, makes efforts, allowances, excuses and generally pulls out all the stops to ensure the marriage continues.

 

Husband seems unaware of problems, issues and wife's level of satisfaction, even though such things may have been pointed out before, or may have been alluded to....

 

Wife finally throws in the towel, gives up and states that enough is enough.

 

Husband suddenly decides he can change, he will make the effort, begs, pleads, implores to be given another chance, all the while unaware that the wife has been doing precisely that for the duration...

 

And it's too late.

 

She's spent. Done. Exhausted.

Has no more fight, patience, tolerance or desire to go through the machinations of remedies which actually do not guarantee that the changes will either be genuine or permanent.

 

The danger is two-fold:

(1) The husband is 'changing' not to improve himself, become a "Better person" or alter the dynamics of the dysfunction. he's 'changing' in order to keep the marriage going, to retain the wife and to convince her to stay.

 

(2) Once the changes have been implemented, the wife changes her mind and stays and the marriage experiences a 'revival' - the effort, on his part, diminishes, slows down, becomes sporadic or ceases altogether.

 

The wife cannot conceive the possibility of these two happening, and has no desire to summon up yet more effort, and keep trying.

She is extremely reluctant - or completely averse to - even giving this another chance, ever.

 

The marriage, is over.

The wife has lost heart, and the blinders have fallen from the eyes.

No amount of counselling, therapy or discussion is going to salvage this.

 

 

This is not a right/wrong scenario.

 

This is a standard, normal occurrence, and we see it happening with alarming regularity.

 

(Incidentally, while it seems to be this way round for the majority of the time, the same scenario CAN occur in reverse too. It must be said.)

 

Throwing the guilt trip of

"I can't do this again, "I can't live in this house without you" "I will never find anyone else" "How can you do this to the kids, how can you break up our family".

.. is manipulative.

He's tugging at your heart-strings and saying things that are designed and meant to make you feel guilty.

 

That's not on.

 

He has to accept 50% responsibility for the breakdown and failure of this marriage.

He is as responsible for its demise, and he has to accept that.

It's not all you, destroying it, doing this to the kids, breaking up the family.

He is an equal participant.

[Misadventure]

Cozy.. is it possible that all those romantic feelings about him are not gone but you have so much resentment and hurt that they are buried? You did check out without telling him..now that he knows..why not both go to counseling...I mean this in the sense if there is even the tiniest doubt or feeling left...or if you think they may just be buried.

 

If there is a chance to recapture something and maybe make it better than it was with open honesty, boundaries, clear expectations..and if you are starting to check out again this time say it..when it's happening..not after.

 

It's just a thought. But if you are 100% sure...

[Jstub]

This is a scenario we see on LS, time and time and time again:

 

Wife tries for ages to hold things together, keep things running on an even keel, be supportive/pro-active, makes efforts, allowances, excuses and generally pulls out all the stops to ensure the marriage continues.

 

Husband seems unaware of problems, issues and wife's level of satisfaction, even though such things may have been pointed out before, or may have been alluded to....

 

Wife finally throws in the towel, gives up and states that enough is enough.

 

Husband suddenly decides he can change, he will make the effort, begs, pleads, implores to be given another chance, all the while unaware that the wife has been doing precisely that for the duration...

 

And it's too late.

 

She's spent. Done. Exhausted.

Has no more fight, patience, tolerance or desire to go through the machinations of remedies which actually do not guarantee that the changes will either be genuine or permanent.

 

The danger is two-fold:

(1) The husband is 'changing' not to improve himself, become a "Better person" or alter the dynamics of the dysfunction. he's 'changing' in order to keep the marriage going, to retain the wife and to convince her to stay.

 

(2) Once the changes have been implemented, the wife changes her mind and stays and the marriage experiences a 'revival' - the effort, on his part, diminishes, slows down, becomes sporadic or ceases altogether.

 

The wife cannot conceive the possibility of these two happening, and has no desire to summon up yet more effort, and keep trying.

She is extremely reluctant - or completely averse to - even giving this another chance, ever.

 

The marriage, is over.

The wife has lost heart, and the blinders have fallen from the eyes.

No amount of counselling, therapy or discussion is going to salvage this.

 

 

This is not a right/wrong scenario.

 

This is a standard, normal occurrence, and we see it happening with alarming regularity.

 

(Incidentally, while it seems to be this way round for the majority of the time, the same scenario CAN occur in reverse too. It must be said.)

 

Throwing the guilt trip of .. is manipulative.

He's tugging at your heart-strings and saying things that are designed and meant to make you feel guilty.

 

That's not on.

 

He has to accept 50% responsibility for the breakdown and failure of this marriage.

He is as responsible for its demise, and he has to accept that.

It's not all you, destroying it, doing this to the kids, breaking up the family.

He is an equal participant.

 

Very well said.

 

I think you are done, don't give him false hope by "trying". Be firm and get out. If you don't do it now, he is going to end up getting hurt more and more, and you will suffer more and more in the process.

[keepontruckin]

Or you could just do what my wife did... Wait until I was drunk one night, and pick a fight (we very rarely ever fought over anything), and when I called her some bad names, you now have the "Fatal Mistake" as I've heard it called, which would theoretically give you the ultimate justification to leave.

[cozycottagelg]

This is a scenario we see on LS, time and time and time again:

 

Wife tries for ages to hold things together, keep things running on an even keel, be supportive/pro-active, makes efforts, allowances, excuses and generally pulls out all the stops to ensure the marriage continues.

 

Husband seems unaware of problems, issues and wife's level of satisfaction, even though such things may have been pointed out before, or may have been alluded to....

 

Wife finally throws in the towel, gives up and states that enough is enough.

 

Husband suddenly decides he can change, he will make the effort, begs, pleads, implores to be given another chance, all the while unaware that the wife has been doing precisely that for the duration...

 

And it's too late.

 

She's spent. Done. Exhausted.

Has no more fight, patience, tolerance or desire to go through the machinations of remedies which actually do not guarantee that the changes will either be genuine or permanent.

 

The danger is two-fold:

(1) The husband is 'changing' not to improve himself, become a "Better person" or alter the dynamics of the dysfunction. he's 'changing' in order to keep the marriage going, to retain the wife and to convince her to stay.

 

(2) Once the changes have been implemented, the wife changes her mind and stays and the marriage experiences a 'revival' - the effort, on his part, diminishes, slows down, becomes sporadic or ceases altogether.

 

The wife cannot conceive the possibility of these two happening, and has no desire to summon up yet more effort, and keep trying.

She is extremely reluctant - or completely averse to - even giving this another chance, ever.

 

The marriage, is over.

The wife has lost heart, and the blinders have fallen from the eyes.

No amount of counselling, therapy or discussion is going to salvage this.

 

 

This is not a right/wrong scenario.

 

This is a standard, normal occurrence, and we see it happening with alarming regularity.

 

(Incidentally, while it seems to be this way round for the majority of the time, the same scenario CAN occur in reverse too. It must be said.)

 

Throwing the guilt trip of .. is manipulative.

He's tugging at your heart-strings and saying things that are designed and meant to make you feel guilty.

 

That's not on.

 

He has to accept 50% responsibility for the breakdown and failure of this marriage.

He is as responsible for its demise, and he has to accept that.

It's not all you, destroying it, doing this to the kids, breaking up the family.

He is an equal participant.

 

This, exactly....

[IndecisionIsTorture]

My story is here:

 

I can relate to your story almost verbatim, hence my login name.

[Kimmie80]

I am in a very similar situation. I have been with my common-law partner since we were 17. We have 4 children. I have never got to get out there and date and experience what its like to go out with friends and meet people. From day one, it has just been us. Just shy of us begin together a year, we conceived our first child. I love him. I always will. But I truly, deeply do not feel that I am in love. I strongly believe that our relationship has just become a routine. A safe haven. I grew up with my parents together and I do not want my kids to have to grow up differently. So much would have to change. I met someone a few months back, while we were going through some really hard times. It was completely unexpected. Actually, it through me off guard. This guy serviced my house and became instantly attracted to me. We hit it off for a few months. My hubby knew. I asked, begged, him to give me some time and space to find out why I allowed myself to fall for this person. A complete stranger. He would not give me the time that I needed. It was filled with tears, and him guilt tripping me and calling me a home wrecker whore. I deserve that. Now that that 'fling' is over, I am finding myself upset and lonely that he is gone, than I am of my 15 year relationship falling apart. The spark is gone. There is nothing left. My children are young. I feel like a failure as a mother and a wife, which is why I am still staying in our home, together. I, as well, don't know what to do.

[revitup]

Some questions pop up for me,a couple of answers would help us to see what's going on,

 

Are you saying you're hurt more by the end of your affair with the service man,than you are about losing your 15 year marriage?

 

Your husband knew about the affair?

 

Husband is still with you,in the home?

 

You are not happy?

 

REVITUP

[revitup]

Me thinks me got the posters twisted together somehow.

 

Maybe that last one was for Kimmie?

 

REVITUP

[Kimmie80]

Yes, I am more upset right now about the affair ending. Yes, my hubby knows about the affair and yes we are still living together in the same house. I have asked him to leave, as I need to do some soul searching to find out why I fell for someone else and why I am missing this person terribly. I know this person gave me butterflies and I had a smile on my face everyday for the few months he was in my life. I have been unhappy in my relationship for so long, but have always found a way to put my children and him first; to continue to live like we are a happy little family. I was the happiest I had been in years. The whole butterflies, smiles, the excitement. I felt alive again. Now, I am back to the normal 'routine', only this time, I am sad and hurt that I have messed up something that could have turned out to be the best thing for me.

[RightThere]

Yes, I am more upset right now about the affair ending. Yes, my hubby knows about the affair and yes we are still living together in the same house. I have asked him to leave, as I need to do some soul searching to find out why I fell for someone else and why I am missing this person terribly. I know this person gave me butterflies and I had a smile on my face everyday for the few months he was in my life. I have been unhappy in my relationship for so long, but have always found a way to put my children and him first; to continue to live like we are a happy little family. I was the happiest I had been in years. The whole butterflies, smiles, the excitement. I felt alive again. Now, I am back to the normal 'routine', only this time, I am sad and hurt that I have messed up something that could have turned out to be the best thing for me.

 

So what is stopping you from leaving to go do your soul searching? Don't wait for your husband. If you've decided to move on, pack up your stuff and go!

[IndecisionIsTorture]

I grew up with my parents together and I do not want my kids to have to grow up differently.

 

Well, here is your first decision tree:

-Are you willing to have your kids grow up with their parents in separate households, you in one, and their father in another?

 

YES: Continue the soul-searching.

NO: What more is there to think about? Forget about ServiceGuy and work things out with their father.

 

Until you make the decision as to whether or not you could have your kids grow up in that environment (different households) everything else is irrelevant.

 

No one wants their kids to grow up shuttling between two homes. But right now you've got two diametrically opposed goals. Something's gotta give.

[revitup]

Now, I am back to the normal 'routine', only this time, I am sad and hurt that I have messed up something that could have turned out to be the best thing for me.

 

I hope you understand what others here are thinking,including myself.We all were hurt or are hurting still, because of the actions of a "service guy or gal".

 

You seem to have forgotten the promise you made to your husband,for better or for worse.If you were mistreated then you should let us know,abuse as well.What changed in your Husband that makes him a bad guy now?

 

Why does your "hubby" allow you to see/sleep with the service guy?Is this some sort of "cuckold" agreement?

 

Personally, I would put YOU on the street and never let you back.Never is it ok to sleep around like this.You really are hurting yourself, Kimmie. Your self esteem is gonna take a hit from this.

 

Why did the affair end,you seem to say it was your fault.What happened?

 

REVITUP