blackendangel13 Posted October 8, 2004 Share Posted October 8, 2004 Ok I hope this story gives some of you that are hurting some hope. I was with my ex for a year and a half (see "What's his deal" for more info). Anyway, we broke up because he needed space and I got sick of him not being supportive. I had a lot of tragedy in my life the year and a half I was with him and he was not there for me at all. Now my ex had this friend who basically was very juvenile. He hated the fact that me and my ex were even together because it took away from his buddy time (mind you this guy is 24 and a major alcoholic who works at Pizza hut and cant pay bills so he mooches off my ex). Anyhow, the friend was always a major source of conflict in the relationship because he would pit me against him and try to make me look bad in my bfs eyes. When all this tragedy was going on around me he was taking my ex to the bar. Nice huh? Ok to the point. I have been broken up with my ex for over 2 months. For awhile we were still seeing each other and it was hurting me badly. He would continue to give me false hope of getting back together, so one day I decided I couldn't have it anymore. I initiated no contact and have not talked to him in the last month and a half. In that month and a half I have done so much to better myself. I have raised my esteem by spending time with friends, I have been working on my writing and painting, and just taking a lot of time to better myself. I have even started seeing another guy who is post-breakup also so we are taking things slow and just being there for each other for now. I am so much of a better person now, than I used to be. Well again keep in mind that its been over a month and a half since I have even talked to my ex. Last night I was up till 3am talking to my new friend. I didn't fall asleep till about 4am. So at 6:30 I get a prank phone call. Its my ex's best friend ( I know because he didn't even try to disguise his voice) pretending to be some guy I supposedly met at the bar, not even close to true. I actually went off on him about getting a real job and being a worthless pile of s*** and it felt good. I always kept things in so I didn't look like the bad guy. Well he couldn't handle it and hung up on me. Moral here is things do get better. My ex is still thinking about me because if he had moved on his friend would be more occupied with trying to break that up. But the great thing is I dont care! For a moment I thought of all these things I could do to get back at them and then thought, why bother. I am so much of a better person and its not worth my time! In a month I have gained so much self-respect that the thought of ever going back to my ex makes me ill, physically ill. No contact is the best thing anyone could ever do in a breakup situation. It gives you time to put things in perspective and time to heal. Please give it a try. I know it is hard as hell at first but worth so much in the end. Its only a matter of time before the ex tries to come back and it will be the greatest day of my life when I can look him in the face and say F-U buddy. I am not saying that everyone will end up not getting back together. If that still is your goal after its all clear no-contact will give you time to change so you can show that someone the better person you have become. Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted October 10, 2004 Share Posted October 10, 2004 :Applause: Good for you Girl! I'm happy for you that you've found some peace of mind over all this, and you're feeling a lot better. Link to post Share on other sites
iceisles Posted October 13, 2004 Share Posted October 13, 2004 I can definitelty see myself telling my ex-gf to "shove off" after doing NC. I've only been doing it for a few days and already feel the self-esteem filtering back. IMO, very few exes are worthy of second chances (as friends or otherwise), but I will go through the motions just to make sure that she really is just wasting my time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blackendangel13 Posted October 13, 2004 Author Share Posted October 13, 2004 As hard as it is to take in and to accept, people break up for a reason. Whether it be communication problems or something else but you are right, many exes are not worth a second chance even as friends. I actually got some wonderful advice on this complex from my father who said "If they can't respect you and your feelings as your best friend, you can not expect them to be good as just a friend". No contact forces you to analyze why you broke up and take a long hard look at the other person without love clouding your judgment. It's a wonderful thing. Link to post Share on other sites
iceisles Posted October 13, 2004 Share Posted October 13, 2004 Originally posted by blackendangel13 As hard as it is to take in and to accept, people break up for a reason. Whether it be communication problems or something else but you are right, many exes are not worth a second chance even as friends. I actually got some wonderful advice on this complex from my father who said "If they can't respect you and your feelings as your best friend, you can not expect them to be good as just a friend". No contact forces you to analyze why you broke up and take a long hard look at the other person without love clouding your judgment. It's a wonderful thing. Exactly. My ex broke up with me because (allegedly, and in part) we had lost that "spark" and weren't communicating much. Now that she dumped my a$$, she calls me 2-3 times a week to talk about deep personal issues in her life. Screw that. I've gone to strict NC for an indefinite period of time. If I wasn't good enough to talk about her problems while we were dating, I'm not going to pretend to be her friend - not until she shows some genuine respect, which I've heard many exes will never end up giving you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blackendangel13 Posted October 13, 2004 Author Share Posted October 13, 2004 Yep! Mine was pretending to listen to my issues but was really using me for sex and to boost his ego because he knew he treated me like s***. I think he though that he was making up for that by continuing to be my "friend". I tell ya. I reached my breaking point really fast on that. I think that if someone doesn't respect you they will never truly love you and in both cases you can't make that person do either. By continuing to be friends and pretend (God knows all of us do this) that things are ok are not going to gain any respect. We need to stand up and be firm in our decisions. That will gain you more respect than anything. Link to post Share on other sites
iceisles Posted October 13, 2004 Share Posted October 13, 2004 Originally posted by blackendangel13 Yep! Mine was pretending to listen to my issues but was really using me for sex and to boost his ego because he knew he treated me like s***. I think he though that he was making up for that by continuing to be my "friend". I tell ya. I reached my breaking point really fast on that. I think that if someone doesn't respect you they will never truly love you and in both cases you can't make that person do either. By continuing to be friends and pretend (God knows all of us do this) that things are ok are not going to gain any respect. We need to stand up and be firm in our decisions. That will gain you more respect than anything. It took some nudging by folks on here, but I'm finally on to her game. She only calls me when she needs to talk about a problem she's having. I am not her personal advice counselor. What baffles me is, I'm pretty sure she's dating someone else, so why not bother that guy with her problems? Is it because, like you said, she thinks that being friendly with me will somehow justify everything she did? If that's her method of making up, she better go back to the drawing board. I have slammed the door closed on her right now, and the only key that will open it is an e-mail saying "Ok, let's talk about us." I won't hold my breath waiting around for that to come, though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blackendangel13 Posted October 13, 2004 Author Share Posted October 13, 2004 There is nothing my ex could do to open the door. We havent talked in over a month and a half and that has done so much to show me his true feelings for me. If he truly loved me and valued me in his life like he said he did, he would be knocking my door down to work things out. I believe that true love is something you fight for. If you don't it's not true love, and that's ok. I think as humans we have such pride and we are afraid of both failure and the unknown. We are afraid to be alone. I think you are definitely coming along nicely. At least you are boosting your self-esteem. Too often we sit and pine for our exes instead of taking this time to better ourselves! Link to post Share on other sites
iceisles Posted October 13, 2004 Share Posted October 13, 2004 Originally posted by blackendangel13 There is nothing my ex could do to open the door. We havent talked in over a month and a half and that has done so much to show me his true feelings for me. If he truly loved me and valued me in his life like he said he did, he would be knocking my door down to work things out. I believe that true love is something you fight for. If you don't it's not true love, and that's ok. I think as humans we have such pride and we are afraid of both failure and the unknown. We are afraid to be alone. I think you are definitely coming along nicely. At least you are boosting your self-esteem. Too often we sit and pine for our exes instead of taking this time to better ourselves! I don't want my ex back because what she did was a fatal blow to our trust. Although unlikely to happen anytime soon, I would like a friendship, but that is love in itself (albeit a different kind of love). I completely agree with what you said about fighting for love. If she wanted me in her life in some capacity, she would have a genuine heart to heart conversation about "us" - not about the weather, her schoolwork, or the latest episode of Nip/Tuck. I'm also with you on the being alone thing - I admit I am afraid to be alone. But then I ask myself, which is better - being alone, or being with someone who doesn't really care about me? Clearly, being alone is better, as at least I care about myself. She is going to get ticked after a few days of ignoring her e-mails and phone calls, but she made her bed and now she'll have to sleep in it. By the way, I'm not a vengeful person, but I do believe in standing up for yourself and protecting your own integrity. Life teaches us that people WILL walk all over you if you let them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blackendangel13 Posted October 13, 2004 Author Share Posted October 13, 2004 Amen! I am the same way. I am not a mean person but the things that my ex did were unforgiveable and looking back I don't know how I dealt with them to begin with. I used to be terrified of being alone but now I actually cherish it. I am actually starting to value time alone to think and just be lazy. For the past couple days I haven't had time to be alone and I am aching for it! I know what you mean about not letting people walk all over you too. For a year and a half my ex had my heart on a little leash to do the Mexican Hat Dance on it at his whim. Man I have totally grown a backbone since then! He will be in for the shock of his life when he tries to come back. Link to post Share on other sites
iceisles Posted October 13, 2004 Share Posted October 13, 2004 Originally posted by blackendangel13 Amen! I am the same way. I am not a mean person but the things that my ex did were unforgiveable and looking back I don't know how I dealt with them to begin with. I used to be terrified of being alone but now I actually cherish it. I am actually starting to value time alone to think and just be lazy. For the past couple days I haven't had time to be alone and I am aching for it! I know what you mean about not letting people walk all over you too. For a year and a half my ex had my heart on a little leash to do the Mexican Hat Dance on it at his whim. Man I have totally grown a backbone since then! He will be in for the shock of his life when he tries to come back. I only wish I was this strong during my previous breakups. But even failed love makes us stronger, and I'm glad to take away some solid lessons through all of this. My ex-gf will be floored when I refuse to take her back. She expects me to beg for her back. That will be a great feeling to be able to say "thanks, but no thanks." I believe in forgiveness, but forgiveness doesn't always mean you have to take someone back. She broke my trust, and nothing will ever repair that. I know there are plenty of fish in the sea. I just wish I had a bigger pole. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blackendangel13 Posted October 13, 2004 Author Share Posted October 13, 2004 Lol that is true! Everyone always says there are more fish in the sea and we all get stubborn like a three year old with his favorite toy who refuses to play with anything else. I cannot wait to tell my ex no thanks. He wanted space and I gave it to him and I can never go back to that unproductive waste of my time we called a relationship. I have actually started to really enjoy being single. I have a good friend who is my support group and helps me through things and I just started talking to a guy I have had a crush on for a long time. It feels good to go out and be noticed and talk to whomever you wish! It's a great way to boost the confidence too and women like a confident man! Can't help you on the bigger pole though sorry Link to post Share on other sites
iceisles Posted October 13, 2004 Share Posted October 13, 2004 What's a little tough is that I can't prove that she was cheating, nor can I prove that I am her "safety net". But sometimes you have to go with your gut and the objective advice of others. Things won't always be black and white, and I'm trusting those who have always been there for me in the past. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blackendangel13 Posted October 13, 2004 Author Share Posted October 13, 2004 Exactly. Spend as much time as possible with friends and your support group. It raises your self esteem so much. They have helped me so much since the break-up and it makes me so angry as myself for putting them on the backburned for my ex. I tried to mold him into my best friend and obviuosly didn't work too well. I wish mine had cheated on me, as crazy as it sounds. It would have been so much easier to walk away and I wouldn't have wasted a month still seeing him and thinking things would work out! He was just not there for me at very hard times for me. I moved to the city to be with him and gave up my life and during all of my hardships with my health and family issues he was at the bar... supportive huh? Thats why his friendship will not be missed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blackendangel13 Posted October 14, 2004 Author Share Posted October 14, 2004 Oh my goodness, I saw my ex last night for the first time in almost two months. My friends are in a band and he came to one of their shows and interupted my conversation with some other guys. He asked how I was doing and I said "The best I have ever been" and walked away. Damn it felt good! Link to post Share on other sites
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