My husband hit me

[Joyce]

I have never been the type of person that has ever put up with violence. It seems very unnecessary and I have never understood it. I have been in a violent situation with an ex bf several years ago and as soon as it started I left.

 

Now here I am married to this man for 3 1/2 years and he hit me. He has always had a slight temper but he has never been violent. In fact he has always been against it.

 

We have been having problems. Those of you who don't know my story I had an affair and told him about it. He decided he wanted to work on our marriage. Things seemed to be going pretty good then he flipped out one night. He flipped out because I told him I didn't want to meet with some people that he is looking into becoming business partners with. I did not see it coming at all. To me there is no excuse for violence. I am scared of him now. I no longer feel comfortable around him. I know I have made mistakes but I don't deserve to be hit. I explained this to him and he apologized but how do I know it won't happen again? He said it won't happen again but I don't know if I believe him. Do I ask him to go to counseling? I have been trying to get him to go since I told him about the affair but he won't. I just don't know what to do? I feel like crawling in a hole and staying there forever. I have a black eye that luckily is not too bad. I am able to hid it.

 

This is a very scary situation to be in. Does anyone have any advice on this?

[VivianLee]

If he's never hit you before it could be the last time. If he hits you again, leave or make him leave.....

 

This is something I've not told on the forum or to many people. My husband was abusive our first 2 years of marriage. He never balled up his fist but since he was so much bigger than I, he would throw me around and hold my arms and squeeze causing numerous bruises.

 

He showed no sign of violence when we were dating. Two months into the marriage he got angry at me and tried to throw me outside (we lived in apartments) naked. I almost killed myself holding on to him and the door. I cried and cried and apologized for what I said to him and he stopped.

 

He controlled me with "wait till we get home" if he didn't like what was going on or what I said. I swear it was like someone had taken over him and he wasn't himself. He hit the arm of my chair to scare me and accidentally hit me in the tummy while I was pregnant. I hoped that would calm him down but it got worse.

 

About 2 months before the baby was born, he stopped. Then about 2 months after she was born, he started again. He wanted me to turn up the volume on the TV and I was tired (from being up all night and feeding the baby) so I told him he wasn't busy to turn it up himself. He yanked me up and grabbed me by my arm and pulled me to the TV and "made" me turn it. I showed that bruise to my Mama.

 

He would grab my fists sometimes and have my hands hit him till he bled. I couldn't pull them away from him.

 

He'd rip all the buttons of my shirt and then grab at me in a sexually violent way...

 

A few times I slept in my daughter's room with a baseball bat....he was so scary crazy acting.

 

Finally he was pissed because we were going to my parent's house. My Mama wasn't there so he got mad because she was late. He made us leave and told me that I was going to pay for it when I got home. I wrote my Mama a note and told her to please come to my house as soon as she got home.

 

He was backing me in a corner when she knocked. He ran up the stairs as she came in and went into our bedroom. I felt very brave and told Mama EVERYTHING where he could hear me!!

 

Mama went up to our bedroom and told him to come out. He came out, she got his housekey and told him to leave.

 

He left and the next day Daddy told him to come home.

 

My Daddy told him that if he ever touched a hair on my head, that I better call the police because he would bring a shotgun next time.

 

My husband was humble towards Daddy but after he left he acted hateful BUT not violent...

 

A few days later his brother was in an almost fatal car wreck and was in a coma for 4 months. We grew closer plus were around people at all times so there was not even a hint of violence.

 

About a month later we were alone at the house and got into an argument. He started coming towards me and grabbing my shirt...I stopped from him making me back up and I got so angry I was not even afraid and started backing him up and telling him what a loser and whimp he was for picking on someone smaller than he and a woman...I hollered and screamed for an hour...he finally broke down and cried....

 

Since that day (1988) he's NEVER even acted like he would hit me. He's never been violent towards our daughter. He's never even shown a hint of that type of man.

Even when he confronted me about my affair.....

 

So you see from all this, it can stop and NEVER happen again. It's rare in most cases, they say once an abuser always an abuser BUT since he never was violent before, it's possible that he never will be again.

 

You need to talk about it with him. He needs to apologize and promise "NEVER AGAIN" and if he ever looks like he is going to raise a fit, leave.

 

If he even gives you a hint that he thinks "you deserve it"

 

LEAVE!!

 

Keep us updated, please!!

[izzybelle]

i have to say that although it's scary to jump to the conclusion of once an abuser, always an abuser, it concerns me when anyone resorts to that type of behavior. my exH has never hit me, although he came close a few times, and has also grabbed my wrists and bruised the crap out of them.

 

it's oh so tempting to say, give him one more chance. but what if in doing that you open yourself up to the possibility of more than just a black eye? and then what? don't they almost always say, i'm sorry i won't do it again? so how do you know if he really means it? he may until the next time he gets really pis*ed off. so it scares me for you. and personally, i don't think i'd stick around to find out what might happen next. not until he gets some counseling and even then. ... it's never ok to hit.

[jmargel]

Originally posted by Joyce

I have never been the type of person that has ever put up with violence. It seems very unnecessary and I have never understood it. I have been in a violent situation with an ex bf several years ago and as soon as it started I left.

 

Now here I am married to this man for 3 1/2 years and he hit me. He has always had a slight temper but he has never been violent. In fact he has always been against it.

 

We have been having problems. Those of you who don't know my story I had an affair and told him about it. He decided he wanted to work on our marriage. Things seemed to be going pretty good then he flipped out one night. He flipped out because I told him I didn't want to meet with some people that he is looking into becoming business partners with. I did not see it coming at all. To me there is no excuse for violence. I am scared of him now. I no longer feel comfortable around him. I know I have made mistakes but I don't deserve to be hit. I explained this to him and he apologized but how do I know it won't happen again? He said it won't happen again but I don't know if I believe him. Do I ask him to go to counseling? I have been trying to get him to go since I told him about the affair but he won't. I just don't know what to do? I feel like crawling in a hole and staying there forever. I have a black eye that luckily is not too bad. I am able to hid it.

 

This is a very scary situation to be in. Does anyone have any advice on this?

 

My advice.. give him an ultamatium today. Either counseling or you are leaving for awhile. He hasn't dealt with your cheating in an effective manner and keeping it bottled up. It is coming out in ways like this. This is NOT good.

[VivianLee]

I agree she should at least take pictures of the eye.....

 

But you saw my story....most stories like that end with the couple divorce or the woman killing her abuser or the man killing the victim....

 

I still to this day, don't know who that man was that I lived with for those two years....he left and never came back....it could be a one time thing but y'all really need therapy!!

[whichwayisup]

Joyce.

 

This has to be hard on you, but definately MAKE him go the therapy, anger management or something. There is always a first time. Let's hope that's it.

 

I can't honestly say for sure what I would do in that situation. I KNOW my husband would never hit me, he is very open and kind, doesn't have a temper. But if he hit me I think I would leave and stay with a friend for a while so he could sort out whatever he was feeling and make a huge effort to NEVER touch me again like that.

 

Is he sorry? Has he shown any remorse for what he's done? Cuz he just ruined alot of faith and trust. It will take alot of effort, time and therapy to get it back.

 

I'm sorry he did that to you. I hope you are okay.

 

WWIU

[Matilda]

My ex-husband was abusive, he never hit me, but he threw me onto the ground and put his hands around my neck twice. He also threw me into the wall so hard, there was a hole in the wall (this was before he threw me on the ground). The first time it happened I decided to stay, told him we had to go to counseling, which we did, together and seperately. Also, I made a pact with myself that if it happened again that would be the end of the marriage. And that's what happened, he did it again, and that was it.

 

I would also say that getting some physical evidence is a good idea, either pictures, or go to your doctor and let him/her make a note about it. I did this the second time, since somehow when he threw me to the ground, my foot got very bruised. Anyway, the doctor was very nice about it, and took some xrays just to be sure there wasn't damage, even though I told her I just wanted her to document the injury. I just wanted some objective proof that it actually happened, just in case I needed it for the divorce. I didn't, but I'm still glad I had it.

 

It is very scary to be in that position, and it's hard to trust someone again that does that to you. Since he has never done anything like this before, and if you feel comfortable, you may want to try counseling. But if your marriage is bad in other areas, maybe this is the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak. I would definitely make counseling a condition of staying with him, obviously he has some anger issues, and maybe this anger can be resolved since maybe it is just situational. I mean maybe his is a result of your affair, and so maybe if he can deal with that, he won't do it again.

 

Really though, I think you just have to follow your gut. I really knew my ex would do it again, I was just going through the motions of trying to make the marriage work.

[alicia24]

GET OUT NOW IT ONLY GETS WORSE!!!!

[Haunani]

He needs to attend Anger Management classes, and in the meantime, you need to leave, find a shelter, or Women's Group, that will help you leave. Are you with child? More the reason to do so now.

 

Once you are out of there, then you can do the negotiation and YOUR rules, but don't settle for less dear lady, nobody should every have to put up with feeling scared and hopeless in the face of someone that should be your protector, unconditional love and security.......this is totally wrong, I would have been gone.

[Joyce]

He did apologize. He said he was very sorry. He said he didn't know what came over him. He is a cop and puts people in jail that do stuff like this. If it ever got out that he did this he would loose his job. My gut instinct is to leave but I can't. I feel like since he gave me another chance I should give him another chance.

 

Having been through this for a short time before with another man makes me very angry and scared. It doesn't make sense but I can't but help but feel ashamed. I know I don't deserve that but I don't dare tell anyone. It's crazy! I can't believe I am in this situation again.

 

I am scared to even give him the choice to go to counseling or I will leave. Maybe I am judging him too harsh because I have been through this with someone else before. Plus I can't help but feel that I brought it on. It probably is built up anger from my affair. I have been trying so hard to make him happy... why would he do this? He used to make me feel comfortable and safe. I can't even say I am in love with him after this but then again he is probably not in love with me anymore because of my affair.

[izzybelle]

joyce, DON'T GO THERE!!!! he hit you it is not your fault, you did not bring it on!!! that's an oh so classic response by women who have been abused.

 

yes, i understand your concerns about ruining his job but that doesn't mean that he shouldn't get help. he can easily do that confidentially.

[tiki]

It's not your fault he hit you.

 

Forgive him once.

 

Leave if he continues.

[Joyce]

I know that most things with therapist are confidential. Isn't there a few things that are illegle that they have to disclose? Or am I wrong? If it's abuse is it still confidential?

[izzybelle]

hmmmm, good question and i'm sure someone out there knows. i'm a couselor, and should know, but not that type so....

 

there's nothing that says he can't go under the guise of anger management.

[SoleMate]

Abusers often apologize and act remorseful after they have beaten their victim up. These apologies, unfortunately, mean very little and do NOT indicate that he will not repeat.

 

Moose - I understand and share your anger at Joyce's husband for his violent attack on her, but I have to caution you that further violence, or even threats of violence, are NOT a solution. Would be great if they were though.

[tiki]

Original poster: can you elaborate on HOW he hit you (if you don't mind)?

[Haunani]

he as a COP should know about domestic violence..I'm sure he's been in situations where he had to diffuse them......... that to me is a definate COP-OUT.......

 

Don't blame yourself - never blame yourself. Would it be any different if the shoes were on the other foot, and he had the affair, and you couldnt take that partnership thing, turned around and beat him with a hammer or something? Apologize profusely, but everytime you raised your hand, or had a knife in it to cut something up in the kitchen, he would flintch?

 

That's not a way to live your life.........being fearful all the time, waiting.....wondering.........will it happen again.... looking for the *signs*, trying to be *careful*, walking on eggshells..........that so sucks - get out while you can.

[Joyce]

We were arguing.. he started yelling. He was in my face.. He pinned my arms against the wall. I told him to let me go.. I kept repeating it over and over. Honestly that's all I said the whole time after he started yelling. That's when he said you don't give a fu*k about my happiness and he slapped me across the face but it mostly got the top corner of my eye. Then he stopped let go and walked away... he came back a minute later crying telling me he was sorry.

[Ladyjane14]

I'm usually all for saving marriages but this is the one area where I can find NO compromise. You NEVER let a man hit you.

 

My daddy hit my mama on one occasion early in their marriage. Three days later he was begging her to let him sleep. She had told him, "No man who hits me would be foolish enough to sleep in my presence."

 

A useless anecdote, since I don't advocate violence in any fashion, not even the threat of violence. But the thing I took away from that you NEVER let a man hit you, or intimidate you with his size. If he gets away with it once, he'll likely do it again.

 

Sorry, hon

[Joyce]

NEVER let a man hit you, or intimidate you with his size. If he gets away with it once, he'll likely do it again.

 

I have always shared this opinion. It's so different when your in the situation. It would be so much easier to leave if I was not married to him. I have known him for five years and he has never been violent towards anyone. In fact he met with the OM after I told him about the affair and he was not violent at all. I don't think he is doing it to pick on someone smaller than him. He knows how to fight and how to hurt people. He can have people pinned down in a matter of seconds if he wanted too.

 

I know I would leave if I didn't feel guilty for what I've done. I know abuse victims always blame themselves but this time I really was in the wrong. I hurt him in more ways then I will ever know. I probably triggered it but how do I know if he is going to do it again? Why would he tell me he wants to work things out if he just want to hurt me?

[whichwayisup]

It probably is built up anger from my affair.

 

Sorry, the above is a bunch of BS!! So WHAT????????? That is still no excuse for hitting you, not even ONCE! I wish you didn't see yourself as low as you do. That is how he has made YOU feel, and ofcourse triggering older and painful memories for you of being with another guy who hit you in the past.

 

You had an affair, he may be hurt, angry, sad, all of it, but THAT is NO reason to hit you Joyce. You are a cop's wife and if it gets out then yes, he'll get FRIED for it by his collegues. HE is a complete a-hole. He knows and has seen battered women on the job and dealt with alot...NO excuse for what he has done to you.

 

Talk to your friends/family, get lots of support around you. DO NOT allow him to bully you into not talking about because he's gonna pull a power trip on you and make you just rely on him for everything. He may isolate you, make YOU feel worse, making seem like your fault when IT IS ALL HIS FAULT. DO NOT feel ashamed, bad. You are totally innocent here. He IS NOT.

 

Anger management and therapy-He has to do it..Infact if HE has said it won't happen again EVER, he should be going for himself as well as you, so IT WON'T HAPPEN again period.

 

I'm sorry for sounding harsh, none of this is directed at you, just pisses me off what he has done to you, physically and the whole emotional side of this. I can tell by what and how you are writing how horrible and scared you are feeling. Well, that's HIS FAULT too.

 

All my best and please really think about your options now. If you can stay with a friend for abit, please do so.

[Think too much]

Whether you cheated on him or not you did not deserve to hit. NO one deserves to be hit. No one really knows if he will do it again or not. I would follow the advice about getting a pic of it and document it. If it happens again turn him in and leave.

[SoleMate]

Joyce, quit blaming yourself. Please. I don't care WHAT you did. He does NOT have the right to hit you. He was DEAD wrong.

 

It's so scary to watch how your perceptions are getting altered because of his violence. If you really feel you are guilty, and he has had his feelings hurt, and thus it is OK for him to intimidate you and assault you, then maybe this thought exercise will help you clarify:

 

Just how much physical punishment do you deserve for your misdeeds?

 

A slap?

 

A punch in the stomach?

 

A slap once a week for the next year?

 

A slap and a punch off and on at random intervals for the next 10 years?

 

A broken nose?

 

A broken nose, 8 missing teeth and a broken arm?

 

Loss of an eye, or brain damage?

 

Living in fear and self-blame for the rest of your life?

 

Death threats?

 

Death?

 

Please visit a women's shelter, doctor's office, or hospital ER and ask for information on spousal battering, and how to protect yourself. While you're at the ER, talk to a nurse. ER nurses are experts on the immediate aftermath of spousal battering - the ones who are lucky enough to make it to the ER, that is.

[netrie]

It is scary to be hit by anyone let alone the man you love and open up to. I just do not like it. I think you need to leave him a NOTE and go somewhere else, move out, until he gets therapy or at least until you know he is working on his anger.

 

As far as waiting on "him" to get therapy --------DON'T.

 

Go get therapy by yourself, quickly.

[Ladyjane14]

It's so different when your in the situation.

 

I've been exactly in your position. First husband. I had cheated. He was understandibly upset. I left him anyway. And I held my ground even when he was sorry afterward.

 

I've never been sorry that I made that decision, even though I wassorry that I had hurt him.