Is this my fault need advice please

[husband]

I was wondering if anyone can help me. I have been married for nine years.I have a good job a wonderful 8 year old boy and a nice home you know the american dream. The problem i am having is with my wife. The Problem is about sex.

 

At first in our relationship sex was all the time.I do understand that it does slow down and i am ok with that.But what i do not understand is that i will catch her masterbating.She has admitted to me that while married to me she use to masterbate on average 2to3 times a week.This is where the excusses started. the first excuse was that sometimes its more convienient for her.Althought i was hurt I excepted that and in turn I tried to make sex more convient for her I would help with my childs homework,do the dishes clean up around the house ect.All done so that my wife could relax.This is what i call pre-foreplay. This works well and I think all is well.

 

All is going well until one night I wanted to have sex and excuse number 2 comes up.She said that she is too tired thinking that she must of had a rough day, I said oh well mabye next time and her and i say goodnight and turn out the lights and go to sleep.I Layed there for about 20 minutes or so when the next thing i know thinking im asleep she starts masterbating.With tears rolling down my face I never made a sound.After about 20 minutes she was finished and went to sleep. I was very hurt and i told her so a couple of days later.As soon as i approached her about it she got very defencive and didnt want to talk about it.Finally after about 3 days i let it blow over and all is well once again as long as i didn't bring it up.

 

I asked myself what am i doing wrong .Mabye i'm not satisfying her enough.Mabye i need to focus on her needs you know spruce things up a bit. So I talked to her and asked can i do more She replied nothing you are awsome.One I have to say is that I am very attentive to my wife on average she can orgasm3to4 times while having sex. but still i feel she isnt telling me the whole story. So i went to my doctor and got something to help.It was great I lasted much longer and instead of having 3to4 orgasms she had 6to7.Oh how did i feel great i was making my wife happy.

 

Thinking all was well I started to relax.Our relationship was great she seemed happy and because of that it made me happy. Then it happened again. One night i suggested a prop (movie). She said she was all for it.So i iwent out and got one. We watched it and we both got really into it and had sex. The next morning however she said that she felt guilty about watching it . I understood what she was feeling and said ok no more movies.I threw the movie in the bottom of the drawer and that was it.

 

But then it happened again one night I heard a noise comming from downstairs it woke me up. so i got out of bed and went to the top of the stairs. There she was on the couch masterbating..She didn't know that i was watching.A couple of days later i asked her how she felt our sex life was going she replied great .I then asked her if she still felt the need to masterbate. She said no that she had not done it in months that she was perfectly satisfied. I then told her what i saw the other night. At first she got mad then she gave me another excuse you dont warm up to sex she said. you just come to me and say want to have sex. The whole night was a mess. But once again i let it blow over and everything was fine.

 

The next time it was while i was at camp.I Came home after being gone for three days. My wife was happy to see me. I Then suggested a romantic night and she agreed. Later that night i asked her if she wanted to watch that movie we had stashed away in the closet. She said no that she didn't like that kind of stuff.Isaid ok and all was well. The next day however while she was gone I went to the closet and looked for the tape. You see i marked the tape before i left for camp and she had watched it . So i talked to her and said do you ever watch that tape she said no that she never watched it alone.I then told her that i knew and she became furious with me telling me that it was none of my buiseness.

 

I am now feeling resentment,hurt,and frankly not loved. I feel that i am the only one in this relationship that tries. I tried to be romantic . she doesnt I try to make our sexlife better. i have to ask her to do everything Its like she takes me for granted. I am a hard worker both at home and at work. My wife tell everyone what a great husband i am but she never showes it . I know when she wants to have sex because she always says "what are you doing". Oh sure when i call her on it she does her best for mabye 1 day. She never wants to do anything but yet she still thinks im great. I want more out of this relationship. I have to beg her to buy a teddie. no suprises. and when i talk to her and express my feelings she says that she is just shy. well i dont buy it we have been together for over 14 years. It feels like she wants her cake and eat it to Am i wrong about feeling hurt when she masterbates.She never wants to talk about it or comes up with another excuse . i now feel alone.Can anyone help thanks.

[Matilda]

I'm a little confused. Is the problem that the 2 of you aren't having sex enough, or is the # of times you're having sex okay, but you are bothered by her masturbating?

[alicia24]

She's just no that into having sex with you. If u were satisfying her 100%, the dildo's would be in the trash. sorry

[tiki]

She wants to watch the movies but doesn't want YOU doing it. Throw the tape out, it's causing nothing but trouble. Work on building a stronger backbone and CONFRONT her, right THEN and THERE. Don't give it a couple of days. I'd be livid! You're more of a patient person than I'd ever be.

 

Do some dabbling TOGETHER. Go to the sex shop. Buy some toys. Get into costumes or role playing, it's the perfect time of the year with Halloween season right around the corner.

 

Sex is easily lost in a marriage. Been there. I could never get my interest or intimacy back. Yuck. I moved on. You don't want her doing that! Regain her interest. Stand up to her when she f*cks up. She doesn't want a puss for a husband, I can guarantee ya that.

 

Give her the best sex possible. Hell, hang from the ceiling fan if you have to, but get her attention! Now, just keep it.

 

Go check out this thread and get some ideas. You've come to the right place for info, my friend.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t48698/?highlight=kinky+ideas

 

We strive to make our lovers happy!

 

Search this site. Do a word search on 'kinky' if that's what you're into.

 

Treat her right. Take care of her. Give her everything she's ever wanted. You've got this chance...don't blow it!

 

G'luck.

[gracebaby]

Hello.

 

I am actually dealing with the exact same thing with my boyfriend right now. I cannot figure out why he does this either but I to can relate on the hurt feelings and not feeling loved.

 

I am a woman so maybe I can offer some help since your dealing with your wife on this and maybe in return you could offer me some advice because your a man and I am dealing with the same thing to a T with my bf. Same as you he will do this when I am in bed next to him thinking I am sleeping or to porn on the computer when he thinks I am asleep etc.

 

I think that your wife is only being all about herself and actually may just be going through one of two fases.

 

1. She may not have the desire to sleep with you because to her it may seem predictable and the same ol thing, you did say it has been 14 years. Maybe she is just bored with it and that is only something we woman go through but it does go away.

 

2. She may not feel sexy enough to want to be intimate with you. She may be depressed and dealing with her self esteem or other things that make her feel unattractive in your eyes. Woman have to feel sexy and top notch to want to make love and yes she does know that the both of you have been together long enough that you will love her and want/desire her no matter what but she may just want the opposite something more reassuring other than the fact that you have been together for 14 years.

 

I personally know that when I go through these types of things I am just dealing with so many things the thought to be in the mood for my man is tiring to think of because even though you please your wife it is still work on her part to look and feel good for you during the act and to make the noises etc. Woman put more work into sex than men think to make you feel good about how you make us feel as well. Sometimes it is just easier to please ourselves than to have to complete the entire act. However if she is choosing to do this over be with you than yes that is a problem and I cannot explain why or what the reasons may be because I am dealing with the same thing where he chooses this over being with me and I dont know why only he does.

 

She knows it bothers you than she should open up and talk to you about why she does this but if she wont and wont quit even after she knows it bothers you there is a huge problem as I am dealing with now. I will as of tonight matter of fact be having a talk with my bf and putting my foot down we talk it out or we are going to counseling bottom line....maybe you should do the same!

 

I wish I had more help for you but I dont I can honestly just say I know it hurts and I feel your pain so if you want to talk one on one feel free to email me or whatever.

 

Have you two ever masterbated together? Maybe she would like that? Maybe she has just recently doscovered how to please herself so she is experimenting like with a new toy for example.

[VivianLee]

Althought i was hurt I excepted that and in turn I tried to make sex more convient for her I would help with my childs homework,do the dishes clean up around the house ect.All done so that my wife could relax.This is what i call pre-foreplay.

 

then she gave me another excuse you dont warm up to sex she said. you just come to me and say want to have sex.

 

These statements caught my eye!!!

 

 

Foreplay or pre-foreplay is NOT doing what you said.....you may have her less tired BUT she isn't stimulated because you're hands have been down in sudsy water full of Dawn!!!

 

I have to be careful what I say because my husband has been known to read this forum so I don't want to hurt his feelings (however this could get his attention also) but we need more than a finger between our legs to get going....

 

We may lubricate and enjoy once you enter BUT it doesn't make us anticipate. Anticipation is what makes the perfect foreplay for a woman. Kiss us dammit! We are worth kissing even if we are married to you. Kiss us all the time and then kiss us like you want us so badly you can't breathe. Hey and we have breasts! Yep and they need ALOT of attention!!

 

The touch every part of our bodies as if we are the most perfect thing you've ever touched and taste every inch of us too!! Then when we beg you to enter....the experience will be great BUT since we need that foreplay and if you do it well.....we'll be back for more again and again....

 

Don't worry spontanous sex isn't out of the question! Grabbing our boobs as we walk by or grabbing our crouch IS NOT foreplay....pretend it's the beginning of your sexual relationship and give us a reason to want you...give us a MILLION reasons....and if you don't know how, look it up on the internet AND I don't mean porn, I mean read instructions and pay attention!!!

 

Try this and see if it works....

[flavius]

So, are you saying you don't masturbate? Interesting...and unlikely.

 

I've been thru all of the same stuff as you, except for the delightful-sounding detail of the masturbating wife. I know you are feeling frustrated over sex, but it's way more than that. But even though sex is often just a barometer of other things, I have learned that getting the sex thing straightened out can go a loong way toward making you a happy man.

 

VivianLee is way on the right track. I can't read your mind, but I think I smell somethings in your messages. One, YOU have not been sexually assertive, and that is a big part of your frustration. Two, you already know that your wife is not sexually fulfilled, and that is why you're all torqued by her masturbating alone. Three, you are confusing what it means to be "sensitive" with being a wuss.

 

I spent years (about 14 years, coincidentally) of being "sexually sensitive" (e.g.: all about her pleasure, feelings, etc.) Sounded pretty noble, but eventually I found out that that isn't really what turns her on at all. She is much more excited by the fact that SHE is so SEXY that I cannot control myself -- I've got to HAVE HERRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!! I also learned that, although she is not dishonest, or even subtle, she is incapable of telling me straight what turns her on. It's VERY COMMON for people to deny what turns them on, maybe even typical. After all, our sexual thoughts are almost entirely immoral and so we are appropriately accustomed to resisting them, right?

 

So she "dislikes the porn movies and feels guilty," but then she breaks them out and watches them anyway? Well, guess what?! SHE LIKES THEM! That's right, she likes the NASTY things in them -- they turn her on! So don't go wash dishes, Pal, get in there and make her feel guilty and nasty and hot and beautiful!

 

Your life might be totally different today if you had responded differently when you first caught her masturbating (which she was DOING right in the bed BECAUSE feeling nasty and guilty and hot turns her on -- DUH!) Instead of crying in your pillow, you should have pounced on her in mid-orgasm, laughed diabolically, and told her you'd die if you didn't get some of that stuff. You might have even given the little tart a spanking! Dude, you act like she's someone else's wife! The poor thing might have never had it nasty before, and that's practically immoral. Well it's your job, Buddy!! Find yourself, and teach that girl how a couple of animals would do it in the jungle, okay?

 

The good news, friend, is that three years later, Jungle Love has never been better. My midlife crisis has been swept away in a pink tornado.

 

Good luck!

[muse(unloveheart)]

Yes i understand what you feel. It is all happening to me, but i dont get told i am loved. i dont feel love i am also told i am not love he loves someone else but at times he wants me to stay.

He tells his friends i am a good person but i am the one with the poblems.

I can give up my past but all that goes on only brings it back into full fears and workd hard at maken me want anything from him,he cant let his past go and move on with us. he needs sex and movies and webbing and chat from the computer old girlfriends, lovers and new singles he talks to be happy and satisfied. I give him everything sexual and show him romance,holden hands,touchen, oral, romantic,just hard sex,i have not masterbated for him yet,but i dont think it would help.( I haven felt the need to masterbate, I am happy with,the well what was love maken now its just sex with my spouse, he could only be more romantic but he has fell out of love with me i feel) But he still wants me to show love and emoutional affection, but i get none.

Thier is alot more but I will just leave it at that.

god bless

I hope you get thngs worked out before you get to where i am.(one step before divorce).

He will have to ask me for it, I love him very much even if I am second to his computer whores( that he calls friends),x-wife and his kids.

Me and my kids dont matter. I feel i could die or be hurt and he would care less, same for my kids.

Its sad. So my addvice is to work hard and do everything you can if you really want things to work. It is easyer to get a women to go to get help then a man