Growing Together or Silently Seperating?

[amkxoxo]

We've been dating for about three months, all well knowing he would be graduating college and would not be returning, where I would be. He would be returning home an hour from our school, and me home for the summer, two hours in the opposite direction (3 hours total). We had intense talks about our future and how we were going to handle things. I wanted a relationship, but he was "hesitant". He wanted to just see where things went, and he also said he could change his mind any day, any month, etc... I let it go and we kept dating until the day came and we parted. Days beforehand he told me he was going to "miss me", and was "so glad i met you and got to know you". When I brought up money he told me to save it "to come visit *****" which is where he lives. He even mentioned that in this day and age there are so many forms of communication. I had so much hope for us. Since leaving school we talk back and forth, but the conversation is awkward and I feel I'm losing him. Since we aren't commited I am so insecure. I miss him. I have told him I miss him on the phone and through text and he doesn't reciprocate. When I talk about future plans together, he either talks about how busy he is or just ignores it. It hurts me. I feel bland. I ask him the same questions all the time and I feel like I can't be quirky. There are always awkward silences. This makes me miss being with him in person. He is under a lot of pressure because he is taking summer classes which are intense. He seems on edge a lot and I'm trying to be supportive. When I got sick he texted me everyday, many times a day to see how I was. With no hope of any future visits, and no affection, I am so sad all the time. I don't know what to do. I really want us to work.

[justwhoiam]

Growing Together or Silently Seperating?

Separating... not yet.

 

You've been dating him, he didn't ask you to be his girlfriend. I think you could have tried to understand why:

1) Did you spend little time with him? > Because 3 months seeing each other only once a week or twice a week for a few hours can be too little... to make a decision like that

2) Was he hesitant to have you as his girlfriend just because he knew he was leaving? > Very possible, and you were just at the very beginning, in a stage of getting to know one another, where feelings seem mild.

3) Were his feelings mild regardless of time spent together? > Maybe... this means that even if you were with him all the time, his feelings would still be mild

 

Try to get to know about the answers to those three questions, ask indirectly somehow, if you can. So that you will know if things are as they are only because of the distance. At times, distance is just an excuse.

 

He cares about you, no doubt. Because he texted you all the time when you were sick. But for a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship you need more than that, I mean more than just "caring".

 

the conversation is awkward

...

I have told him I miss him on the phone and through text and he doesn't reciprocate

How is the conversation awkward?

About missing him, don't tell him. I think you're scaring him a bit. It's been (only) 3 months, he didn't delude you with promises, he didn't ask you to be his girlfriend, he didn't say 'I love you'. Honestly, I wouldn't have been able to date someone for 3 months without knowing if he wanted me... I would have stopped seeing him, because of the uncertainty. Even an open relationship wouldn't be for me. But here's the problem. Guys hate this kind of conversation, he would think you're trying to put a label on the relationship and that might scare him away. After all, if he wanted a defined thing, he would have made it clearer. He didn't. He doesn't want to lose you, but probably doesn't know how to keep things going with you, and if you are the one for him. This is why he's still talking to you but going slow. If he were head over heels in love with you, it would show.

 

When I talk about future plans together, he either talks about how busy he is or just ignores it.

Well, this is like going too far, honestly. He's not your boyfriend, what plans are you planning for your future with him?? That's a no-no. Drop the future-plans-together topic. Let him come to you naturally. If he doesn't... let him go.

 

I ask him the same questions all the time and I feel like I can't be quirky.

I don't understand the "I can't be quirky" part. Can you explain? Anyway, what kind of questions are you asking "all the time"? It sounds like you're stressing him... That's just not good if you hope to start something serious with him.

 

With no hope of any future visits

Weren't you going to save up to visit him? But if I were you, I wouldn't spend much money to date him casually... especially since it seems that you're so invested emotionally, and he's just mild about you. Edited June 7, 2013 by justwhoiam

[TaraMaiden]

This is an "Eggs and Bacon" situation.

 

Commitment and Contribution.

 

The Chicken contributes.

The Pig is committed.

 

can you see who's who in this one?

[justwhoiam]

can you see who's who in this one?

Hmm, he's not committed and not contributing much...

[TaraMaiden]

In that case he's a rooster.

Otherwise known as a cock.

[amkxoxo]

Oh I don't talk about our future....I meant more like plans to see each other in the future. When I talk about him coming down to visit me in college in the fall or us going to the beach this summer. He will either not reply or say "yeah we could" He's never been a big planner, but I'm also not going to invite myself to his house. I have the money and transportation to see him, he's the one that doesn't have it to see me. When I mentioned driving to his house he goes "Oh well its a far drive".

He was hesitant to commit because of the seperation. When we talked about it he kept saying "I didn't expect I would like you this much" he said it over and over again. He would always tell me how perfect I was. If I was so great and "perfect" then why not commit and try and make it work??

The conversation is bland. I ask about schoolwork and what he's been doing and its boring. We don't laugh and he doesn't make the conversation flow. I'm trying to be interested in his life.

Like at school I told him "I wasn't planning on seeing anybody else I hope you know that". I figured he would either agree or disagree. I wanted to gage his level of where we were at. All he said was "Well yeah, thats usually not a good thing to do when your trying to make it work with someone" Okayy so are you going to see other people or not? sounds to me like not. Its all very confusing.

[amkxoxo]

Like i tried to call him the other day and he didnt answer his phone. He texted me hours later saying sorry i missed your call. So i told him that it was fine and if he wanted to call me now that'd be great. He told me he was too busy and a lot was going on in his house with schoolwork and stuff at home. So i tried to be there for him and told him it was okay and that he should call me when he has time. Hasn't called me yet. we've texted a little and he sent me a picture of something he made. He's been tweeting and doing music stuff online, but no time to give me a ring???? annoying.

[TaraMaiden]

Stop making contact.

Don't call him, text him, phone him, write to him, email him or Skype him.

 

Leave him be.

Fall off his radar.

 

Count how long it is before HE makes any effort at all to contact you - and how. What he says.

 

leave him be.

let him do the chasing.

 

I frankly think it's a no-brainer and fizzling out.

like a skeleton on a life-support machine, you know.....

 

But just do what I suggest and see what happens.

he might surprise you.

 

he would definitely surprise me....

[amkxoxo]

I just don't know what to do or say. The other day my relative asked me about him and what's been going on and I didn't know what to tell her. "Are you guys together" I have no idea. "Is he your boyfriend" I have no idea. I don't feel like I'm single, but I'm not completely sure what is going on or what to tell people.

[TaraMaiden]

Well then do as I advise.

You'll soon know.

 

It's coasting, currently, because the fuel tank is running on empty.....but actions speak louder than Words.

 

leave him be.

[amkxoxo]

So I took your advice and was planning to keep my distance. The last time we talked was through text last night around 10pm. He never replied so I just let it go and was planning to not really make a huge effort anymore. He just texted me now that its around 3pm today im so happy. I havent responded and might let it simmer until tonight, or might not respond at all. He said that He's hoping I having a good day....Its not a head over heels commitment but I'm thinking this means were on a good path??

[TaraMaiden]

No.

It's just an habitual 'touching base'

It's nice to hear, but it's not what you need to hear.

 

Try to not read different things into something so simple it could have come from your dad.

[amkxoxo]

Yeah I know. Well cause in the past when I didn't hear from him I send him that "Hope you had a good day" text. then we started doing it back and forth. But your right its a 'checking in' message. Then what should I do since he did contact me??

[TaraMaiden]

Ignore it.

 

See what he comes back with - and when.

 

Honey - you have to make him really miss you and want to talk with you, above everything else.

 

Otherwise all you're ever going to be to him is a way to pass the time of day....

[amkxoxo]

I know. You are right. I'm going to try so hard. Its tough. I wanna text him and like all his facebook posts. Its just my personality to be like a head over heels housewife haha. But I'm not going to. I want him to miss me. I want him.

[HeavenOrHell]

I haven't seen anything here which shows that he cares about you much as a partner, apart from sending several texts when you were ill, no sign of commitment at all

I wouldn't contact him back, this is all just making you miserable.

Sorry, wish I could be more positive here.

Don't contact him for a few days, get out and about and focus on other things as much as you can, have a breather from all this.

[amkxoxo]

Yess, it is making me miserable. At school he wasn't the best communicator or texter either, but we can't be together right now so thats all we have. He seemed so into me at school. Like I said above, days before school ended he kept saying how he was going to miss me and how he was so happy he met me and got to know me. And Like i said above, when I mentioned spending money he told me to save it to come to ***** (where he lives). I asked him an hour after that if he really wanted me to come see him and he said "how else are we gonna go out for drinks or chill in the jacuzzi" That to me sounds promising. I know he is boggled down with school work right now and he has no money so I have been trying to be supportive, but how long can I wait around coasting never knowing if or when he will want to see me again, We have been home from school for three weeks now.

[Arabella]

Yess, it is making me miserable. At school he wasn't the best communicator or texter either, but we can't be together right now so thats all we have. He seemed so into me at school. Like I said above, days before school ended he kept saying how he was going to miss me and how he was so happy he met me and got to know me. And Like i said above, when I mentioned spending money he told me to save it to come to ***** (where he lives). I asked him an hour after that if he really wanted me to come see him and he said "how else are we gonna go out for drinks or chill in the jacuzzi" That to me sounds promising. I know he is boggled down with school work right now and he has no money so I have been trying to be supportive, but how long can I wait around coasting never knowing if or when he will want to see me again, We have been home from school for three weeks now.

 

I hate to say this, but to me that sounds like words of finality. Like, "Ok, we had great times and I am glad to have experienced this, but now it's over".

 

Even all the mentions about coming to see him don't really mean much if he's not committed. Of course he wants you to come. He likes spending time with you (not to mention the opportunity to hook up). But there's a difference between that and actually having a long-distance relationship with you.

 

I think this is a loss. I know what you want, but he's not ready or willing to give it to you. Like TaraMaiden suggested, best you can do is distance yourself and find other people to put your energy into. He may come running back, or he may not. Either way, this situation isn't healthy for you, so it's got to change.

[amkxoxo]

Like I said before. He texted me yesterday at 3pm. I never responded and haven't heard from him yet. This is so hard. I want to contact him so bad, but I'm resisting. Ahhhhhhhhhh This is so difficult. I'm afraid I will have a moment of weakness and text him. Trying to stay strong. I'm afraid he will just assume I don't want to talk to him or that I'm done with us and he won't contact me

[TaraMaiden]

Don't.

Don't, don't, don't.

 

You really do have to be strong here.

Don't fall into the pattern again, of pandering to his ego by being the simpering little desperate wimp.

 

He's distancing himself from you emotionally, but be under no illusion....

No man will tell you you're talking too much when you're busy telling him how wonderful he is.

 

He loves the flattery.

 

If he comes looking, pay careful attention to what he says.

 

99.99 times out of 10, he will be fishing for compliments or more attention.

 

You get nothing in return from this guy.

 

Why are you still pouring so much of yourself into this?

You cannot compensate for his lack of interest, by doubling your own.

You can't 'love for 2'.

 

You just can't.

 

 

DON'T.

[amkxoxo]

No I know your right. Its just he liked me so much at school. I don't know why he would stop liking me, or distance himself from me suddenly. I keep telling myself "He likes you" "he likes you" because he hasn't said otherwise and I always doubt it because of insecurity. He was never a good communicator through texting even when I saw him everyday. I just have so much hope.

[TaraMaiden]

Darling....it's not hope.

It's desperation.

 

You need to work on your self-esteem and understand you are worth more than this.

 

Fall off his radar... and start looking for someone else's.

Get out and about, do different things... distract, divert and diversify, until you find that actually, what you're doing is sooo much more fulfilling and fun!!

 

What do you enjoy doing that you haven't done for too long?

[amkxoxo]

He's always been bad at taking compliments. He will even admit it. He had told me not to compliment him, but I do anyway. He has some self worth, self image issues. Last week I texted him telling him Iliked his new profile picture and he looked so good in it. He never responded, so I texted him again saying "and this is where you say thanks you're so nice" and he responded saying exactly that. Men ughhhhh.

[amkxoxo]

Yeah I've been trying to get back into hobbies I did at school and do them at home. I have been hanigng out with friends a lot more and working of course, which helps. I'm trying. I can't sit around all day and mope so I have been trying to do stuff I like. I'm trying. If you can't tell I get super attached to people lol.

[Eggplant]

You need a man who is enamored by you. This one is not and will never be, so meet other people. Do not waste any more time with him.