Growing Together or Silently Seperating?

[amkxoxo]

So he texted me on friday afternoon at around 3pm and I never responded. I followed your advice about not contacting him and he finally texted me last night, Sunday at 9pm. He said "I realize time means a lot to you, and im so sorry i havent been able to give much of it to you, i hope your day has been good today"

From here I didnt respond and he texted again at 11pm " im assuming this is why you're ignoring me, or I hope it is and that nothing bad has happened to you"

Then to make him sweat it out I didnt reply. I called him this morning and he didn't answer. He called me like a half and hour later and we talked for a while. I told him I have been busy etc etc, I was so happy he called because to me that meant he cares a lot. But any opinions are welcome... He seems stressed with home and schoolwork and he was venting the whole time about problems at home and his parents. I didnt tell him I missed him or bring up seeing each other in the future. It still bothers me that he hasn't brought it up but he has no money to even see me. Like I feel bad for him, but at the same time when I was telling him about stuff I'm doing and plans I have next week and he doesn't really seem happy for me or excited. He doesn't really ask me a lot of questions at all. I still really like him and I want to help him through his stressful situation but I don't know how long I can wait to see him and sit around wondering.

[justwhoiam]

So he texted me on friday afternoon at around 3pm and I never responded.

...

he finally texted me last night, Sunday at 9pm. He said "I realize time means a lot to you, and im so sorry i havent been able to give much of it to you, i hope your day has been good today"

From here I didnt respond and he texted again at 11pm " im assuming this is why you're ignoring me, or I hope it is and that nothing bad has happened to you"

So... the entire weekend went by and he didn't contact you. The weekend is when he'd have more free time from school, right? Some free time and he didn't have 2 minutes to send a darn text. Please.

 

Also, sure, he noticed you were not responding. He read that as some abnormal behavior. Too bad you thought you should let him know that everything's fine with you. That was your chance to revert that pattern of you initiating everything or overturn the situation anyway.

 

I was so happy he called because to me that meant he cares a lot. But any opinions are welcome...

You have a twisted way to read into things... in a wrong way.

 

he was venting the whole time about problems at home and his parents

All about him.

 

I was telling him about stuff I'm doing and plans I have next week and he doesn't really seem happy for me or excited. He doesn't really ask me a lot of questions at all.

Knock, knock... hello? Read what you wrote for 20 times, carefully.

 

I want to help him through his stressful situation but I don't know how long I can wait to see him and sit around wondering.

If you want to be the good Samaritan here, go ahead. Helping others is good. But don't expect anything in return for what you're willing to give.

[TaraMaiden]

So he texted me on friday afternoon at around 3pm and I never responded. I followed your advice about not contacting him and he finally texted me last night, Sunday at 9pm. He said "I realize time means a lot to you, and im so sorry i havent been able to give much of it to you, i hope your day has been good today"

From here I didnt respond and he texted again at 11pm " im assuming this is why you're ignoring me, or I hope it is and that nothing bad has happened to you"

Then to make him sweat it out I didnt reply. I called him this morning and he didn't answer. He called me like a half and hour later and we talked for a while. I told him I have been busy etc etc, I was so happy he called because to me that meant he cares a lot. But any opinions are welcome... He seems stressed with home and schoolwork and he was venting the whole time about problems at home and his parents. I didnt tell him I missed him or bring up seeing each other in the future. It still bothers me that he hasn't brought it up but he has no money to even see me. Like I feel bad for him, but at the same time when I was telling him about stuff I'm doing and plans I have next week and he doesn't really seem happy for me or excited. He doesn't really ask me a lot of questions at all. I still really like him and I want to help him through his stressful situation but I don't know how long I can wait to see him and sit around wondering.

 

You're going to have to turn the whole house upside down.

Look down the back of the couch. Look in the most unexpected places.... the washing machine?

Dishwasher?

the garden?

 

How about the loft?

No?

Do you have a basement? it could be in there.

Did you leave it in the car?

 

Check your laundry basket...you might have thrown it in there with the towels....

 

I'm talking about the spine you so obviously have missing.

 

Breadcrumbs.

he snared you and reeled you in and got what he wanted.

His little puppy to sit there and kick.

Yet again.

 

Without any intention whatsoever of being a BF.

Nothing - but nothing about you.

No 'I miss you', no 'I can't wait to see you again', no 'this is killing me'...

 

He decided he needed to tell you all about him, and what he's doing....

Because he knows you'll just lap up every word.

 

Spine went out with the trash maybe.....

You'll just have to grow a new one.

 

And by the way - never discount the fact that he is socialising and very, very probably seeing other girls and chatting to them. And more...

Please, get that in your head, because that's what he's doing.

 

:mad:

[amkxoxo]

I guess I'm just still really confused. Sometimes it seems like he likes me a lot and other time its all about him and his life. I am all for supporting him but when it comes down to him not giving as much as I am it makes me angry. Back when we were in school he told me how his mom didn't really want him getting involved with someone. Since he had a bad breakup right before me and he was graduating. His parents wanted him to focus on getting his life together and gettting a job. Then I remember him turning to me and saying "But if she met you she would definitely love you and change her mind" He seems so focused on his life and his family and his schoolwork. Like on the phone yesterday I mentioned how I was driving around my new car, and was going out with a friend on friday night for dinner. He didn't really acknowledge what I said. To be honest, I think he's jealous. He told me on the phone how all his other friends who are 21 are out doing stuff and having fun with their friends. Were all still in college and are living the college life. I work a little in the summer just for some cash and have been hanging out with friends and doing family stuff. I think he wishes he was still in college like us and not trying to start his life with a new job. I'm trying to be there for him, but at the same time when will it end. He's stressed with school work and his parents breathing down his back...then when thats over in a few weeks, he'll be stressed with finding a job and his own place to live. I will always be at the end of this list. waiting. wondering. I feel so bad. I bought us tickets for this big concert and I was going to give him his for graduation when school ended, but I decided to wait and see how the summer would go and give them to him when i saw him in the summer. I haven't given them to him yet because I haven't seen them. I also wrote him a sweet letter that I never sent. They are both sitting burning a hole in my drawer. :(

[TaraMaiden]

I guess I'm just still really confused. Sometimes it seems like he likes me a lot

Likes? Yes probably. A lot? Debatable. In the way you want/need? Not a chance.

 

and other time its all about him and his life.

Erm.... it always is, mostly....

 

I am all for supporting him but when it comes down to him not giving as much as I am it makes me angry. Back when we were in school he told me how his mom didn't really want him getting involved with someone. Since he had a bad breakup right before me and he was graduating. His parents wanted him to focus on getting his life together and gettting a job. Then I remember him turning to me and saying "But if she met you she would definitely love you and change her mind" He seems so focused on his life and his family and his schoolwork. Like on the phone yesterday I mentioned how I was driving around my new car, and was going out with a friend on friday night for dinner. He didn't really acknowledge what I said. To be honest, I think he's jealous. He told me on the phone how all his other friends who are 21 are out doing stuff and having fun with their friends. Were all still in college and are living the college life. I work a little in the summer just for some cash and have been hanging out with friends and doing family stuff. I think he wishes he was still in college like us and not trying to start his life with a new job. I'm trying to be there for him, but at the same time when will it end. He's stressed with school work and his parents breathing down his back...then when thats over in a few weeks, he'll be stressed with finding a job and his own place to live. I will always be at the end of this list. waiting. wondering. I feel so bad. I bought us tickets for this big concert and I was going to give him his for graduation when school ended, but I decided to wait and see how the summer would go and give them to him when i saw him in the summer. I haven't given them to him yet because I haven't seen them. I also wrote him a sweet letter that I never sent. They are both sitting burning a hole in my drawer.

Read this, over and over, and over again.

 

This is not what you want.

this is not what you need.

 

He uses you as a prop and a sounding board - and he will happily continue to do so, while you give him constant permission to do so.

Please, for goodness' sake, stop this idiocy!!

This guy is stomping all over your heart, but he hasn't got a clue, because he's got great big hobnail boots which cut out all feeling.

 

Stop contacting him, stop answering, stop reaching out to him!!

He isn't worth it!!

 

His priorities obviously lie elsewhere - with him and his close interests! he's not jealous - he's indifferent!

 

Delete his number and block everything! Change your number and for chrissakes, move on!!

[amkxoxo]

I'm really trying. I haven't contacted him since that Monday when I called him. It is now Wednesday afternoon and I have not heard from him. I'm frustrated, sad, and just want to talk to him. My mom thinks I should just give in and call him. And I want to but I'm resisting, because the phone works both ways. He has tweeted today, if you have time for that you have time to shoot me a text. I still really like him and have hope that it could maybe work.

[TaraMaiden]

It won't work.

It won't ever work.

 

Do you know why?

 

Because it takes 2 to make a relationship function.

It's equal input, equal dedication, equal commitment, equal work.

 

Currently, you're both responsible, to 50% each, for this 'relationship'.

 

You are hitting the target every time.

 

he's maybe inputting 5%. Maybe, to be very generous, 10% of his half.

 

You cannot make up his 40% shortfall.

You may want to.

you may believe, with hard dedication, work and commitment, that you can.

 

But you can't.

And he wouldn't thank you, reward you or love you more, even if you could.

 

I wouldn't therefore bank too heavily on this 'hope' thing, of yours, if I were you.

 

OK?

[amkxoxo]

I know what your saying. I wish things were different, but they are not. When I was sick he texted me everyday multiple times a day. As soon as I was better, it was back to him being distant, and me checking in all the time. I can't live like that. Its been easier the longer we have been apart, because all I am living off of are memories, because his conversations provide me with nothing to hope for. Excuse after excuse as to why he's "busy". Well I'm busy too. I question if I overreact. During spring break and weekend holidays home where we would be seperated, he was not good at communicating either. I would start to worry, and when we got back to school things would be fine and he would act like nothing changed, even though inside I was freaking out. This has happened a lot even at school. He would be busy for a few days and I wouldn't really see him, he would go MIA and then things would be fine, and we would be back to where we were. Living on the edge like that all the time is not healthy for me. I'm trying to take a step back and do for myself. He needs to earn it.

[TaraMaiden]

Print this out in the biggest letters you can.

Word.doc.

Paper orientation: landscape.

Size: 148pt.

 

It will take several sheets of paper, but you need to do this, black print on bright yellow paper, and paste it up in your room.

use it as a 'phone screen~saver too...

 

"The person who cares the least, controls the most."

 

He could care less.

he controls your every thought.

 

Tell me, do you think that's right?

[amkxoxo]

No I know...you are right. I'm trying to plan my next course of action. I could try ignoring him again until he contacts me like I did before. When he finally contacted me though he thought I was ignoring him, but I told him I was just busy. He probably just thinks that I'm busy now. My mom thinks that I'm being stubborn doing that and if I want to talk to him I should just call. The fact that he admitted he knew I valued time and he was sorry he hadn't been giving me much of it, meant a lot, but the fact that he knew and admitted this and hasn't tried to change it, is just annoying. Truly in my heart I do believe he cares about me. Being seperated and trying to start his life where I'm not a main fixture in it has made it difficult for him. I matter too though. I'm hurt and I'm having a hard time letting him go :(

[TaraMaiden]

No I know...you are right. I'm trying to plan my next course of action.

 

You don't need to 'plan' anything.

All you need to do is stay determined, and just go No Contact - and STAY No Contact.

Period.

 

Simple.

What's to plan??

 

I could try ignoring him again until he contacts me like I did before. When he finally contacted me though he thought I was ignoring him, but I told him I was just busy. He probably just thinks that I'm busy now.

 

He gives a schytt what you're doing.

What do you think he's doing all the times he doesn't contact you, but could? How long does it take to send a text? is he 'busy' all the time too?

Doubt it, right?

 

He yanks your chain when he feels like it.

Not when he could, but when he feels like it.

 

My mom thinks that I'm being stubborn doing that and if I want to talk to him I should just call. The fact that he admitted he knew I valued time and he was sorry he hadn't been giving me much of it, meant a lot, but the fact that he knew and admitted this and hasn't tried to change it, is just annoying.

He doesn't need to. He knows that if he knocks enough, you'll give in.

least effort, most profit. Got you where he wants you. No effort required.

 

Truly in my heart I do believe he cares about me. Being seperated and trying to start his life where I'm not a main fixture in it has made it difficult for him.

Oh quit will you, please! Making excuses for him!!

It hasn't been difficult in the slightest! he's just fine! Socialising, probably meeting new friends - of both genders - and doing what comes cool to him!!

You honestly think he's sitting pining for you?

Difficult for him?? Oh, honey - PLEASE!!

 

I matter too though. I'm hurt and I'm having a hard time letting him go.

 

You don't matter 'too'... you matter 'most'.

 

Look after you.

he's not, is he?

So it's down to you now.

 

You HAVE to let go.

No Contact. Now.,

FOR GOOD.

[Carenth]

Agree with Tara. Stop being a doormat, this guy couldn't care less about you. You are an amusement to him when it's convenient for him and only him.

[amkxoxo]

I know. I really am trying. I miss him so so much and the times we had at school. I need to stand my ground, cause I'm weak. I texted him tonight and he hasn't replied. No shock there. But there is a hockey game on and he is die hard fan so that could explain it too. I'm done trying. If he calls me I'm going to tell him the truth because I want answers. I'm the kind of person if you haven't noticed, I like to analyze every little thing. Like what went wrong, what did I do, why doesn't he like me anymore, or if he does why isn't he showing it?? I want answers. I seek to understand what happened. Thats just how I am. I need to focus on me and as time goes on I feel like I will better be able to do that. Your inspirational quote is now my background on my computer. Though he still invades my every thought and dream, I working to better my life and if it happens it happens, if we don't we don't. I am trying to start living with no expectations. Time for me.

[Carenth]

Holy **** really? you are still making excuses for this guy? Ok no more kids gloves.

 

1) The times you had in school? great times huh? guess what that is gone, done, dead, finished, forever. You are living in the past a fantasy.

 

2) He didn't reply because he doesn't give a ****. No it's not because there is a hockey game and he is a diehard fan. HE SIMPLY DOES NOT GIVE A CRAP ABOUT YOU.

 

3) If he calls you are not going to answer, why haven't you deleted his contact details yet? you deserve better than this. Unless you really like being treated this way then by all means answer and inflate his ego more. Let him know he has you around his little finger at beck and call. See how that works out and come back and post about it.

 

4) Analysing every little thing will not help you it will drive you insane (as it clearly already is). You won't get the answers you want, you won't get closure. It rarely every happens like that and it sucks, I know. It isn't fair but you need to pick yourself up and move on.

 

5) Don't hang on to hopes of the future that he will ride out on a unicorn sweep you up in his arms and you will live happily ever after. This guy is a tool and you need to move on with your life. Why would you want to be with someone who treats you like this?

 

It will not "happen" because he is not invested in it to happen and never will be. There is you and you are the most important person to look after. You need to focus on yourself and stop living in the past.

Edited June 13, 2013 by Carenth

[TaraMaiden]

I know. I really am trying. I miss him so so much and the times we had at school. I need to stand my ground, cause I'm weak. I texted him tonight and he hasn't replied.

 

DAFUQ - !?! Jeesh, am I wasting 'my breath' with you here, or what?? Thanks for wasting all my time!! I really don't know why I bother!!

 

No shock there. But there is a hockey game on and he is die hard fan so that could explain it too. I'm done trying. If he calls me I'm going to tell him the truth because I want answers.

 

WHAT answers - ?! There ARE no answers! The answer is he gives a phukk!!

 

I'm the kind of person if you haven't noticed, I like to analyze every little thing. Like what went wrong, what did I do, why doesn't he like me anymore, or if he does why isn't he showing it??

 

No you're not!! because you're not logical! Because even when you ARE given the answer, it still doesn't sink in!!

He tells you - by his ACTIONS - how little he cares! And if you confront him and demand answers - he will LIE!! He's a liar, remember?? And a good one! He's pulled the wool over your eyes very successfully!!

 

I want answers. I seek to understand what happened. Thats just how I am.

No, you don't. You desperately want him to give you the answer you most want - and IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!! Quit being clingy and desperate!

 

I need to focus on me and as time goes on I feel like I will better be able to do that. Your inspirational quote is now my background on my computer. Though he still invades my every thought and dream, I working to better my life and if it happens it happens, if we don't we don't. I am trying to start living with no expectations. Time for me.

 

Delete, erase obliterate all his details.

Block his number.

Delete emails and block him on email, Facebook and everywhere else!

 

Change your number, even.

But for goodness' sake, don't let him have the new one! Tell your provider you need to change the number by one digit! And don't tell me you can't - I've done it, twice, and so have many other people on here!

Put your money whwre your mouth is, find that spine, and get on with it!

Edited June 13, 2013 by TaraMaiden

[Leigh 87]

I try to not talk about him unless I really need to make a point, but...

 

My ex was a JERK. He slept with hookers.

 

Yet even HE bothered to contact me, every day, when he was overseas.

 

Every day. Without me pestering him for contact. Or alluding to it. I actually told them to pull back from me a bit, since I was starting a new course and trying to make new friends and manage without him.

 

Because look, if a guy really cares about you on a deep level, they WANT to hear from you.

 

Even guys that are JERKS will regularly contact a girl if they are invested in them enough, to need the girl in their daily lives.

 

Seriously.

 

This guy is probably not a bad person. He is just not that into you.

 

It sounds like he enjoyed his time with you.

 

GUESS WHAT? Men are capable of enjoying their time together with a woman, yet not want to commit to her.

[Leigh 87]

Ugh.

 

These types of threads annoy me a little.

 

I mean, some of us have lost long term partners who we had a life with.

 

It is scary, and I am not saying this in a mean way, but: it is scary how upset you can get over a dude who never had a serious relationship with you, or expressed that he was serious about you.

 

It helps me too, though. I mean, it tells me that I need to get super invested in my own life, after my own failed relationship, so I NEVER get super attached and upset over some dude that has not even committed to me long term!

 

I HOPE the op realises that No Contact with this guy is a walk in the park, compared to if she was seriously with a guy in a long term, committed relationship.....

 

It is still distressing for the OP to have to cut contact off, instead of indulge her fantasies of the guy coming back to her and suddenly wanting a serious relationship (with her).

 

It hurts, but I worry what will happen to her: she cannot cut contact with this guy, and he never showed he was that invested in her to begin with!

 

I worry that the OP will really fall hard if she gets into a relationship with a dude that IS into her and falls in love with her, and if that then fails.....

 

OP - please learn to just cut guys out when they do not show you that they are serious about you. It is SO MUCH easier to do it NOW, than once you're seriously involved with a guy.

 

This is your chance to practice No Contact with a guy you were not in too deep with.. Learn NOW rather than LATER, about the benefits of No Contact.

 

And also - there is a reason you have decided to hold onto a guy who is not showing you that he is that crazy about you..... Your self esteem and self worth may need to be built up.

 

I know, personally, that I only accept bad behaviour when I do not value myself enough.

 

I think if you become totally happy within yourself, and if you really love who you are and you also love your life without a man in it: you will not just bother with guys who are half assed about you. You will enjoy life too much to bother.